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Loser

LOSER

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. COLLEGE

JASON BIGGS goes to COLLEGE.

JASON BIGGS

I am a loser with a heart made of pure 18 karat gold.

3 DUDES

Hey! We're actually the losers, for you see, we do not love like Jason.

They do crazy COLLEGE things because they are in COLLEGE.

DIRECTOR/WRITER AMY HECKERLING

It should be painfully obvious by now that I have never actually been to college.

MENA SUVARI

I am a goth-looking girl, however I do not sound/act goth, and I like Everclear.

JASON BIGGS

Shouldn't you like Manson, Orgy, or Nine Inch Nails according to the stereotypes?

MENA SUVARI

Yeah, but they refused to make the useless cameo appearance. The best we could do was Everclear. It's too bad Everclear really fucking sucks.

3 DUDES

Yeah, it is quite a shame just how much of a shitty, poser band Everclear is.

JASON BIGGS

Even I think Everclear sucks, and I am a loser. God damn I fucking hate Everclear.

GREG KINNEAR

I am a walking sphincter. Watch me use every single line to further show that I am a complete asshole. Hey hun, could you make me a cup of tea and if you don't mind please lick my boots and let me take a shit in your mouth.

MENA SUVARI

Hmm, alright, but only because I have some serious emotional issue that causes me to seek love in inappropriate places. If only some guy with a heart of gold could possibly show me I can be loved.

JASON BIGGS

I'm nice and apparently I have killer abs. Go out with me.

MENA SUVARI

No, but I'll string you along for a bit until I come to the obvious descision to leave my evil, one dimensional bastard boyfriend.

JASON BIGGS

Ready yet?

MENA SUVARI

No, let me take some drugs and stuff first. And if you give me a few minutes, I'm sure Greg will do something horrendously evil.

GREG KINNEAR

You look stupid. Be silent. Eat some dirt. Wash my car. Grade my papers. Suck my big fat dong. Clean my toilet with your tounge.

MENA SUVARI

Alright, that's good. I'm leaving you!

GREG KINNEAR

No skin off my shaft. Fuck off, bitch.

JASON BIGGS

Hey, I'm angry with you for being an asshole. I have a lot of integrity and morals.. and I'm so angry I will now use the f-word!! F-WORD!!! F-WORD YOU!!!!! DARN IT!!!

MENA SUVARI

I love you.

DIRECTOR/WRITER AMY HECKERLING

Now I will display text that explains that really bad stuff happened to all the bad people in the movie, even though this is a pathetic storytelling technique and in real life all of these people would probably do quite well. Clearly I have no sense of reality.

EVERCLEAR

I'd just like to reiterate that we suck.

END