"Swear to god you guys, if I hear one more 'Vampire Hunter' crack, so help me..."


"Swear to god you guys, if I hear one more 'Vampire Hunter' crack, so help me..."

LINCOLN

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. BATTLEFIELD - 1865

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS is chatting with two BLACK SOLDIERS.

BLACK SOLDIER

So, D-Day, what wacky method acting bullshit did you undergo to create today's performance?

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

Well, I sound like I have my balls caught in a vice and some of the camera angles make me look pretty tall. I've got about fifty billion monologues though, so I think I can win an Oscar via attrition.

BLACK SOLDIER

Huh. Well, anyway, Mr. Lewis, my entire race is being tortured, raped and forced to work in unsanitary conditions. Think you could help a brother out?

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

And continue to perpetuate the idealistic notion that the American Civil War was about freedom and not economics? D-Day to the rescue!

INT. CAPITAL BUILDING

PETER MCROBBIE is speaking to CONGRESS, an assembly of men who's ELDERLINESS is matched only by their WHITENESS.

PETER MCROBBIE

...And furthermore, slavery is totally awesome and beautiful and literally no one could possibly disagree that it is the greatest and best thing ever.

TOMMY LEE JONES

I disagree!

CONGRESS

(gasps)

TOMMY LEE JONES

That's right, you fatuous nincompoops. I'm playing a progressive firebrand here to teach all you whippersnappers a thing or two about not enslaving people.

PETER MCROBBIE

What poppycock! Slavery is the tits! I won't be lectured at by a Men in Black action figure that's been left out in the sun.

CONGRESS

(hoots)

TOMMY LEE JONES

Slavery is only for fatheads and dumbells! Maybe you could see that if you unfurrowed your brow once this century.

CONGRESS

(goes "awwwww")

PETER MCROBBIE

Forsooth!

TOMMY LEE JONES

Fie!

PETER MCROBBIE

A pox on thee!

TOMMY LEE JONES

Verily!

(drops mic)

Having exhausted his OLD TIMEY THESAURUS, Screenwriter TONY KUSHNER allows the scene to end.

INT. WHITE HOUSE

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS meets with DAVID STRATHAIRN to discuss their plan to end slavery.

DAVID STRATHAIRN

Grr, those pesky Democrats, oh how I despise them. More like Demo-CRAPS, amirite?

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

Now now, David, let us not forget to be reasonable.

DAVID STRATHAIRN

But they're blocking our attempts to end slavery!

(to camera)

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. There was a time when the Republican Party fought FOR the rights of minorities.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

I'm sure they'll be open to diplomacy and not require backhanded chicanery. Morally gray actions make Spielberg shoot blood out of his eyes.

DAVID STRATHAIRN

What if we segregated all of the morally gray actions into three bumbling comic relief characters?

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

Even better!

DAVID STRATHAIRN enlists MOE, LARRY and CURLY JAMES SPADER, TIM BLAKE NELSON, and JOHN HAWKES to garner the necessary votes to pass the THIRTEENTH AMENDMENT.

DAVID STRATHAIRN

Alright boys. I need you to get the Democrats on our side by any means necessary.

JAMES SPADER

(belches)

No problem boss.

(farts)

DAVID STRATHAIRN

Wow. How are these objectively shitty human beings going to help America's greatest president push the most important piece of legislation in US history through Congress?

JAMES SPADER

With the magic of montages, of course!

The trio engage in WACKY SCOOBY DOO HIJINKS with CONGRESSMEN while Pulitzer Prize-winning author DORIS KEARNS GOODWIN weeps quietly in the theater.

INT. WHITE HOUSE PRIVATE CHAMBERS

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS is being nagged at by his wife, SALLY FIELD.

SALLY FIELD

Listen Daniel, I know you're a powerful historical figure with a bloody, economically devastating civil war on your hands as well as crippling depression, but my motherly instincts require me to add to your burdens. If you let our son join the Army I will literally bite your dick off.

Sufficiently pussy-whipped, DANIEL DAY-LEWIS speaks to his son, JOSEPH GORDON-HANDSOME

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

I actually acknowledge out loud how cliche this subplot is so let's get this out of the way. You can't join the army and die. Sorry.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

But daa-aaaad.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

No. Go to your room.

JOSEPH pouts in the corner for the rest of the movie.

INT. CABINET MEETING

DANIEL is accosted by his servant, GLORIA REUBEN.

GLORIA REUBEN

As this film's only black actor who isn't a prop to emote off of, I feel it is my duty to taciturnly reference the overwhelming historical evidence that Abraham Lincoln was a galloping racist.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

And you've done an excellent job. Now off with you. I have important White Person business to attend to.

GLORIA REUBEN

(vanishes)

DANIEL summons the SOCIAL JUSTICE LEAGUE to check on their progress.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

So, do we have the necessary votes?

JAMES SPADER

(hawks a loogie)

Not even slightly.

(shits)

DAVID STRATHAIRN

Wow. Your job was to bribe UNITED STATES SENATORS. That's like getting sorority girls to do shots. Oh why did I put my trust in such idiots?

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

Enough! It's time for my fifty-billionth Oscar moment! Let me see, I had a sad monologue, a wife monologue, a monologue about war, about haircuts, about pissing off the King of England. Hmm, all that's left is my angry monologue.

(takes deep breath)

FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO I WILL FEED YOU YOUR OWN ENTRAILS IF YOU DON'T MAKE SLAVERY NOT HAPPEN.

DAVID STRATHAIRN

Wait, haven't you been striving for some moral high ground literally this entire film?

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

MORALITY IS FOR THE WEAK. IT'S BACKHANDED CHICANERY TIME!

DANIEL personally visits several of the JERKASS CONGRESSMEN.

JERKASS CONGRESSMAN

I won't vote away slavery. Nothing could possibly change my mind.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

How about a monologue?

JERKASS CONGRESSMAN lapses into mollified silence, because in Spielbergland even the harshest of bigots can be shown the error of his ways with a STERN TALKING TO from a FATHER FIGURE.

INT. CAPITAL BUILDING

CONGRESS has assembled to determine the future of the black race in America.

TOMMY LEE JONES

We've graciously decided to let some random black people into the building to watch this vote go down. How you feeling, black people?

BLACK PEOPLE

Well, we're-

TOMMY LEE JONES

Whoop, sorry, we can't be wasting precious lines on someone who isn't Daniel Day-Lewis. Y'all just gotta sit there and look pretty.

The vote BEGINS!

SPEAKER

Mr. Jones, how do you vote?

TOMMY LEE JONES

Abolish dat shit!

SPEAKER

Mr. McRobbie?

PETER MCROBBIE

Hell naw!

SPEAKER

How about you, Jerkass Congressman?

JERKASS CONGRESSMAN

Truly I have seen the error of my ways.

This continues for some time. It is SUSPENSEFUL, because apparently no one in the audience knows if SLAVERY is still legal or not. Finally, a slow John Williams crescendo announces that the HAPPY ENDING has arrived.

SPEAKER

I hereby declare slavery is abolished, AIDS is cured, Hitler never existed and Firefly has been renewed!!!!

TOMMY LEE JONES

Yer darn tootin'! My black girlfriend is going to love this! That's right folks, I've got a black girlfriend WHAAAAAT.

BLACK GIRLFRIEND

That's right, dear. And personally I think-

TOMMY LEE JONES

Honey, remember our rule about three dimensional black characters.

BLACK GIRLFRIEND

(vanishes)

INT. THEATER

Spielberg gets his directions mixed up and accidentally films in the wrong theater during the ASSASSINATION SCENE. We see DANIEL's LIFELESS BODY, tastefully stained with PG-13 ketchup.

DAVID STRATHAIRN

Truly Lincoln was a deeply flawed and troubled man who relied on shady dealings, unconstitutional excesses, and outright lies to achieve his goals. But at least through his wisdom and tireless effort we all managed to find the strength to pull together to accomplish the death of slavery.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

(rising from the dead)

Wait, what? That's not what this movie was about. Joseph Gordon-Freakin-Levitt has more lines than the entire black cast combined! This movie just uses slavery as a framing device so Spielberg and Kushner could give our intractable Congress a stern talking to! It's not about black freedom, it's about white guilt!

DAVID STRATHAIRN

Well, on the Sensitivity Meter from Django Unchained to 12 Years A Slave, I think we're a solid Amistad.

SPIELBERG

You're welcome, America.

END

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