"Hey! The Inception DVD cover completely ripped us off!"


"Hey! The Inception DVD cover completely ripped us off!"

LEGION

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. HEAVEN - 2009

GOD turns on his DVR and watches "LOST".

GOD

I love this show so much! I can't wait to see how it's going to end. I bet it's going to be awesome! Let me just take a quick peek into the future and find out...

(does so)

THIS IS BULLSHIT! I WILL NOT STAND BY AND ALLOW THIS CRAP TO AIR! APOCALYPSE ACTIVATE!

INT. APOCALYPTIC CITY

ARCHANGEL PAUL BETTANY drops down from HEAVEN covered in RIDICULOUS TATTOOS to SAVE HUMANITY.

PAUL BETTANY

With guns. LOTS of GUNS!

PAUL cuts off his ANGEL WINGS and steals a METRIC SHITLOAD of ASSAULT RIFLES from the local COSTCO and SHOOTS PEOPLE who have become possessed by DEMONS!

PAUL BETTANY

No, not demons. ANGELS!

AUDIENCE

Uhhhh, you mean to tell us angels are being depicted as having blacked out eyes and sharp demon-like teeth and are possessing innocent humans and killing them as well?

PAUL BETTANY

Hell yeah! Finally, a movie depicting the true nature of angels! Cool right?

AUDIENCE

(facepalms)

No way could this movie possibly get any dumber.

But IT DOES.

INT. A SECLUDED DINER WHERE CAREERS GO TO DIE

A group of unlikeable NOBODIES and HAS-BEENS have gathered here. This includes CHARLES S. DUTTON and TYRESE GIBSON.

CHARLES S. DUTTON

Hey, I thought I was the only token minority in this miscarriage. What the hell are you doing here?

TYRESE GIBSON

Embarrassing myself by playing an annoying stereotypical loud-mouthed gun-totting asshole.

CHARLES S. DUTTON

Like always, you mean?

DENNIS QUAID and LUCAS BLACK operate the DINER.

DENNIS QUAID

Damnit boy, why are you so in love with Adrianne Palicki? She's knocked up with somebody else's baby and won't even bother to quit smoking. Can't you just find another less pregnant skank to stalk?

LUCAS BLACK

No's I cain't. I's in luv wit Adr'e'anna. I's gonna takes care a her.

DENNIS QUAID

Holy elephant shit are they still letting you use your real southern accent?! Where did you graduate from? The Matthew McConaughey School of Acting?

LUCAS BLACK

Wit honors an' full scholars'ship.

DENNIS QUAID

If I die and you don't I swear I will burn this whole fucking diner down.

Suddenly, NOT CLORIS LEACHMAN turns into an ANGEL-DEMON and KILLS one of the NOBODIES! But she is quickly KILLED with BULLETS! Not SPECIAL HOLY MAGICAL bullets, just PLAIN ORDINARY ONES.

PAUL BETTANY

Okay everybody, listen up. I have to tell you just how seriously fucked we all are. God is sending an army of killer angels here to murder Adrianne's baby before it's born.

TYRESE GIBSON

Why would God want to kill a baby?

PAUL BETTANY

Haven't you ever read the bible? Killing innocent children is kind of his thing. Well, that and helping rappers win music awards.

DENNIS QUAID

Then why didn't Not Cloris Leachman just bite Adrianne's head off instead of stupidly blowing the element of surprise?

PAUL BETTANY

Because the studio wanted to put that scene in the trailer. Duh!

Everybody barricades themselves inside the DINER just as it's surrounded by a SEISMIC FUCKTON of ANGEL-DEMONS!

PAUL BETTANY

Don't worry guys, we are completely safe inside this diner!

TYRESE GIBSON

How exactly? Is this place made out of adamantium? What's stopping the angel-demons from crashing their cars into this place or lighting it on fire?

PAUL BETTANY

The simple fact that these angels are total dumbasses.

CHARLES S. DUTTON

But Paul, weren't YOU an angel?

PAUL BETTANY

Hey Charles, did you notice your copy of the script only goes up to page 58?

CHARLES S. DUTTON

(checks script)

Hey, you're right. Why is that?

CHARLES is killed by EXPLODING ANGEL ACID! (which the angel-demons will NOT EVEN ATTEMPT to somehow melt the diner with)

TYRESE GIBSON

Yes! According to "Deep Blue Sea" logic, if there are two black characters in a movie and one dies, the other black character will survive, so I should be safe!

WILLA HOLLAND

Oh no! A helpless kid is outside with the angel-demons! And it in no way looks like a trap! Somebody who's expendable needs to go out there and sacrifice themselves to save that kid!

(pause)

That means you, Tyrese.

TYRESE GIBSON

FUCK!

TYRESE goes outside to save the HELPLESS ANGEL-DEMON KID and DIES.

Then the ANGEL-DEMON KID sneaks inside the diner and uses a large BUTCHER KNIFE to try and kill ADRIANNE with, but he ends up cutting off HIS OWN THUMBS instead because these angels are INCOMPETENT FUCKTARDS.

Then ADRIANNE PALICKI goes into labor and gives birth to NEW BABY JESUS. This causes the army of ANGEL-DEMONS to GIVE UP their PATHETIC EXCUSE of an ATTACK out of sheer embarrassment.

ADRIANNE PALICKI

Great! So movie over now, right?

Then ARCHANGEL KEVIN DURAND comes down from HEAVEN and breaks into the diner while wearing a left-over costume from "XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS".

KEVIN DURAND

I have come to kill babies and chew bubblegum and I'm all out of bubblegum. So which one of you jackasses would like to die first?

DENNIS QUAID

Excuse me Mr. Xena Angel, but if you could break into the diner that easily why didn't God just send you to kill us from the start?

KEVIN DURAND

Aaaaaaand we have a winner!

KEVIN uses his METAL ANGEL WINGS to disembowel DENNIS!

Then PAUL and KEVIN FIGHT! This would be COOL if it wasn't so BADLY CHOREOGRAPHED and POORLY LIT.

KEVIN eventually KILLS PAUL, which somehow transfers PAUL's RIDICULOUS TATTOOS over to LUCAS, making him the new MAIN CHARACTER! SOMEHOW!

LUCAS BLACK

I's is?

DENNIS QUAID

(re-animates)

You mean Lucas really DOES get to live and I don't?! Screw you all!

(blows up the diner)

ANGEL-DEMONS

Wait, so blowing up the diner WAS AN OPTION? Why does no one tell us these things?!

EXT. POST-APOCALYPTIC ROAD

LUCAS and ADRIANNE escape in a car with NEW BABY JESUS, but KEVIN flies in and ATTACKS THEM! This causes the car to FLIP OVER 17 TIMES and CRASH! Then it BURSTS INTO FLAMES! And then the FLAMES burst into EVEN MORE FLAMES!

KEVIN DURAND

Clearly no one on earth could survive a horrible crash like that, much less an infant, so I shall declare Mission Accomplished!

But LUCAS and ADRIANNE crawl out of the wreckage COMPLETELY UNHARMED. The BABY too! SERIOUSLY. THIS HAPPENS.

KEVIN DURAND

That's bullshit! Nobody survives a crash like that! They should be FUCKING DEAD!

PAUL BETTANY

And so should I!

PAUL returns from HEAVEN as an ARCHANGEL again!

KEVIN DURAND

He does? I can't wait to see how the movie explains this.

PAUL BETTANY

It doesn't. Oh, and God changed his mind about that whole "apocalypse" thing too.

KEVIN DURAND

But... but that's retarded! Why would God send you here to stop me just when I'm about to complete the baby killing mission he sent me on?

PAUL BETTANY

For the same reason someone thought a movie about angel-demons destroying the world would be a good idea: sheer stupidity.

KEVIN DURAND

Hollywood's one true weakness!

They FIGHT. AGAIN. But this time PAUL stabs THE SHIT out of KEVIN.

KEVIN DURAND

Goddamnit, so you mean I die in yet another movie? Am I the new Sean Bean or something?

PAUL BETTANY

How dare you fucking compare yourself to the great Sean Bean! Besides, you actually get to live for some reason.

KEVIN DURAND

I do? Yippie!

(flies away)

ADRIANNE PALICKI

Wait, so that's it? God just changes his mind and it's over? So what was the whole point of all of this? Why would he let billions of us die only to realize we were worth saving after all?

PAUL BETTANY

Maybe you haven't noticed, but God's always been kind of a dick that way. Speaking of which, he wanted me to tell you you're a shitty Wonder Woman.

ADRIANNE PALICKI

But I'm not playing Wonder Woman!

PAUL BETTANY

And now you know why.

END

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