The Abridged Script
INT. HEAVEN - 2009
GOD turns on his DVR and watches "LOST".
I love this show so much! I can't wait to see how it's going to end. I bet it's going to be awesome! Let me just take a quick peek into the future and find out...
THIS IS BULLSHIT! I WILL NOT STAND BY AND ALLOW THIS CRAP TO AIR! APOCALYPSE ACTIVATE!
INT. APOCALYPTIC CITY
ARCHANGEL PAUL BETTANY drops down from HEAVEN covered in RIDICULOUS TATTOOS to SAVE HUMANITY.
With guns. LOTS of GUNS!
PAUL cuts off his ANGEL WINGS and steals a METRIC SHITLOAD of ASSAULT RIFLES from the local COSTCO and SHOOTS PEOPLE who have become possessed by DEMONS!
No, not demons. ANGELS!
Uhhhh, you mean to tell us angels are being depicted as having blacked out eyes and sharp demon-like teeth and are possessing innocent humans and killing them as well?
Hell yeah! Finally, a movie depicting the true nature of angels! Cool right?
No way could this movie possibly get any dumber.
But IT DOES.
INT. A SECLUDED DINER WHERE CAREERS GO TO DIE
A group of unlikeable NOBODIES and HAS-BEENS have gathered here. This includes CHARLES S. DUTTON and TYRESE GIBSON.
CHARLES S. DUTTON
Hey, I thought I was the only token minority in this miscarriage. What the hell are you doing here?
Embarrassing myself by playing an annoying stereotypical loud-mouthed gun-totting asshole.
CHARLES S. DUTTON
Like always, you mean?
DENNIS QUAID and LUCAS BLACK operate the DINER.
Damnit boy, why are you so in love with Adrianne Palicki? She's knocked up with somebody else's baby and won't even bother to quit smoking. Can't you just find another less pregnant skank to stalk?
No's I cain't. I's in luv wit Adr'e'anna. I's gonna takes care a her.
Holy elephant shit are they still letting you use your real southern accent?! Where did you graduate from? The Matthew McConaughey School of Acting?
Wit honors an' full scholars'ship.
If I die and you don't I swear I will burn this whole fucking diner down.
Suddenly, NOT CLORIS LEACHMAN turns into an ANGEL-DEMON and KILLS one of the NOBODIES! But she is quickly KILLED with BULLETS! Not SPECIAL HOLY MAGICAL bullets, just PLAIN ORDINARY ONES.
Okay everybody, listen up. I have to tell you just how seriously fucked we all are. God is sending an army of killer angels here to murder Adrianne's baby before it's born.
Why would God want to kill a baby?
Haven't you ever read the bible? Killing innocent children is kind of his thing. Well, that and helping rappers win music awards.
Then why didn't Not Cloris Leachman just bite Adrianne's head off instead of stupidly blowing the element of surprise?
Because the studio wanted to put that scene in the trailer. Duh!
Everybody barricades themselves inside the DINER just as it's surrounded by a SEISMIC FUCKTON of ANGEL-DEMONS!
Don't worry guys, we are completely safe inside this diner!
How exactly? Is this place made out of adamantium? What's stopping the angel-demons from crashing their cars into this place or lighting it on fire?
The simple fact that these angels are total dumbasses.
CHARLES S. DUTTON
But Paul, weren't YOU an angel?
Hey Charles, did you notice your copy of the script only goes up to page 58?
CHARLES S. DUTTON
Hey, you're right. Why is that?
CHARLES is killed by EXPLODING ANGEL ACID! (which the angel-demons will NOT EVEN ATTEMPT to somehow melt the diner with)
Yes! According to "Deep Blue Sea" logic, if there are two black characters in a movie and one dies, the other black character will survive, so I should be safe!
Oh no! A helpless kid is outside with the angel-demons! And it in no way looks like a trap! Somebody who's expendable needs to go out there and sacrifice themselves to save that kid!
That means you, Tyrese.
TYRESE goes outside to save the HELPLESS ANGEL-DEMON KID and DIES.
Then the ANGEL-DEMON KID sneaks inside the diner and uses a large BUTCHER KNIFE to try and kill ADRIANNE with, but he ends up cutting off HIS OWN THUMBS instead because these angels are INCOMPETENT FUCKTARDS.
Then ADRIANNE PALICKI goes into labor and gives birth to NEW BABY JESUS. This causes the army of ANGEL-DEMONS to GIVE UP their PATHETIC EXCUSE of an ATTACK out of sheer embarrassment.
Great! So movie over now, right?
Then ARCHANGEL KEVIN DURAND comes down from HEAVEN and breaks into the diner while wearing a left-over costume from "XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS".
I have come to kill babies and chew bubblegum and I'm all out of bubblegum. So which one of you jackasses would like to die first?
Excuse me Mr. Xena Angel, but if you could break into the diner that easily why didn't God just send you to kill us from the start?
Aaaaaaand we have a winner!
KEVIN uses his METAL ANGEL WINGS to disembowel DENNIS!
Then PAUL and KEVIN FIGHT! This would be COOL if it wasn't so BADLY CHOREOGRAPHED and POORLY LIT.
KEVIN eventually KILLS PAUL, which somehow transfers PAUL's RIDICULOUS TATTOOS over to LUCAS, making him the new MAIN CHARACTER! SOMEHOW!
You mean Lucas really DOES get to live and I don't?! Screw you all!
(blows up the diner)
Wait, so blowing up the diner WAS AN OPTION? Why does no one tell us these things?!
EXT. POST-APOCALYPTIC ROAD
LUCAS and ADRIANNE escape in a car with NEW BABY JESUS, but KEVIN flies in and ATTACKS THEM! This causes the car to FLIP OVER 17 TIMES and CRASH! Then it BURSTS INTO FLAMES! And then the FLAMES burst into EVEN MORE FLAMES!
Clearly no one on earth could survive a horrible crash like that, much less an infant, so I shall declare Mission Accomplished!
But LUCAS and ADRIANNE crawl out of the wreckage COMPLETELY UNHARMED. The BABY too! SERIOUSLY. THIS HAPPENS.
That's bullshit! Nobody survives a crash like that! They should be FUCKING DEAD!
And so should I!
PAUL returns from HEAVEN as an ARCHANGEL again!
He does? I can't wait to see how the movie explains this.
It doesn't. Oh, and God changed his mind about that whole "apocalypse" thing too.
But... but that's retarded! Why would God send you here to stop me just when I'm about to complete the baby killing mission he sent me on?
For the same reason someone thought a movie about angel-demons destroying the world would be a good idea: sheer stupidity.
Hollywood's one true weakness!
They FIGHT. AGAIN. But this time PAUL stabs THE SHIT out of KEVIN.
Goddamnit, so you mean I die in yet another movie? Am I the new Sean Bean or something?
How dare you fucking compare yourself to the great Sean Bean! Besides, you actually get to live for some reason.
I do? Yippie!
Wait, so that's it? God just changes his mind and it's over? So what was the whole point of all of this? Why would he let billions of us die only to realize we were worth saving after all?
Maybe you haven't noticed, but God's always been kind of a dick that way. Speaking of which, he wanted me to tell you you're a shitty Wonder Woman.
But I'm not playing Wonder Woman!
And now you know why.