LA LA LAND
The Abridged Script
EXT. FREEWAY IN LOS ANGELES (WHICH WAS AFFECTIONATELY KNOWN AS “LA LA LAND” BACK IN, LIKE, 1890 OR SOMETHING)
A whole bunch of people are stuck in TRAFFIC. Suddenly they all get out of their cars and launch into a CORNY SPONTANEOUS SONG-AND-DANCE NUMBER.
So the critics and awards buzz
Whipped up high anticipation?
Let this cheesy car commercial
Kill those pesky expectations!
When these idiots finally start acting like ADULTS and get back in their CARS, we see that two of the people in this traffic jam are EMMA STONE and RYAN GOSLING.
So before that gorgeous stranger
(blocks Ryan’s car)
Can be made into my lover
(blasts horn obnoxiously)
Rom-com law demands that first
(flips Ryan off)
We must be assholes to each other.
(shoots out Emma’s tires)
EMMA goes off to do a bunch of unsuccessful ACTING AUDITIONS.
I’m competing with a billion
Other hopefuls, as you see
I deserve it and they don’t, though
Cause the movie’s about me.
After this disheartening affair she goes to a PARTY where for the second time in TEN MINUTES, a whole bunch of RANDOM STRANGERS GO BERSERK.
LIKE A HUNDRED FRENETICALLY-DANCING PEOPLE
THIS PORTION OF THE MOVIE
IS AN ENERGY ATTACK!!
LIKE A HYPERACTIVE TODDLER
OR BAZ LUHRMAN ON LESS CRACK!!!
The camera SWOOPS and SPINS and VIBRATES and finally EMMA has to leave to avoid THROWING UP. She winds up passing by a RESTAURANT where she is attracted inside by the fancy JAZZ PIANO of - whaddaya know, RYAN GOSLING! RYAN’S ASSHOLE BOSS J.K. SIMMONS promptly FIRES HIM for playing GOOD MUSIC.
You’ll play your music MY way
Or you can go to hell!
I only do ONE character
For Damien Chazelle!
RYAN goes to leave, but EMMA interrupts him.
I just heard your music
And let me say, just, wow-
Asshole Rule, remember?
GONNA BODY SLAM YOU NOW.
(flings Emma across room)
EXT. ANOTHER PARTY
A couple of months later, EMMA is at a PARTY where she notices that RYAN is playing keytar in a CRAPPY COVER BAND.
There’s that guy I saw
For like ten seconds, months ago!
How I recognise and hate him still
I really do not know.
It’s time to switch from foes
To caustic screwball-banter flirts
Let’s go do a cutesy dance routine
So amateur it hurts.
They do some “DANCING WITH THE STARS”-LEVEL HOOFING and LIGHT BICKERING until they are IN LOVE.
Caustic phase is over!
Time for lovey-dovey schmaltz!
I’ll just quickly dump my boyfriend
Then let’s have a floaty waltz!
RYAN and EMMA go to a PLANETARIUM and FLOAT AROUND like SOAP BUBBLES because this is a MUSICAL so just FUCK REALITY, right?
INT. JAZZ CLUB
Months later, RYAN and EMMA are at a JAZZ CLUB where they are approached by JOHN LEGEND.
I’m here to hire Ryan
Which will fund the plan he has
To start a club like this one
Which will somehow rescue jazz?
It’s true, if I said yes
All my problems would be solved
But you cut your jazz with dubstep
And JAZZ MUST NOT EVOLVE!
Meanwhile in my own career
I’ve got a brand new goal
I’ll do the Good Will Hunting thing
And write my OWN damn role
I think I’m gonna write
One of them neat one-woman shows
I’m sure that casting agents
Aren’t just sick to death of those!
EMMA writes her PLAY, while RYAN CAVES and SELLS THE FUCK OUT and joins JOHN’S BAND. They start seeing each other LESS and LESS until tensions erupt during a ROMANTIC DINNER.
You're staying with the band?
Well that completely sucks!
Can't you just go start your club
On like five thousand bucks?
But nope, instead you’re sticking
With your steady paying job!
What happened to your calling
As a pompous purist snob?
“Your music talent’s gone to waste”
Is what you’re saying then?
Do I have to do the fight scene
From Blue Valentine again?
RYAN blows off EMMA’S PLAY like a JERK, but you didn’t really miss anything man, it kinda tanked.
Plays by and starring no-one
Don’t fill houses, who’da thunk?
So I’ll leave LA in tears
Just like a whiny little punk.
Wait, there were some casting guys
Who saw and loved your show!
How deep into wish fulfilment
Does this movie go?
Plus, for some damn reason
Those guys called not me, but you
So our reconciliation
Is contrived and clunky too.
EMMA goes to the AUDITION where they just ask her to tell them a STORY.
Instead of that, why don’t I sing
A song about believing
And following your heart
As well as dreamers and their dreaming
Also having faith in yourself
And courage and inspiration and stuff and
(glurge glurge glurge)
Hooray, you got the part
Thanks to that sentimental swill!
I should follow you to Paris now
But I don’t think I will
There’s this bittersweet finale
That they really want to do
So let’s ditch our love for our careers
Romantics, me and you!
INT. RYAN’S CLUB
FIVE YEARS LATER, EMMA is a MOVIE STAR who is MARRIED to SOME GOOBER and has a BABY. She and her husband go out and go into some JAZZ CLUB, but it turns out to be RYAN’S, OUCH!
Guess there’s just one thing to do
While stuck in this position:
An American in Paris:
The Depressed-As-Fuck Edition!
As RYAN PLAYS THE MOVIE’S THEME TUNE for the ONE BILLIONTH TIME, EMMA goes into an extended DREAM BALLET SEQUENCE where she replays the entire plot of the movie, except this time the MAIN CHARACTERS don’t act like MOODY NEUROTIC DIPSHITS. Just as the AUDIENCE starts to wonder why they didn’t get to watch THAT movie, we get kicked back out to bitterly poignant CANON.
Sheesh, that was a downer
Now let’s end this thing before
We win more Oscars than we should
And no-one likes us anymore.