Kermit the Frog gets a gritty reboot.


Kermit the Frog gets a gritty reboot.

KICK ASS

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. SOME METROPOLIS

A SUPERHERO stands majestically atop a SKYSCRAPER.

NARRATOR

What would happen if someone tried to be a superhero in real life?

The SUPERHERO splats all over the PAVEMENT.

NARRATOR

That's what would happen. Movie over.

Unfortunately, the movie continues.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL

AARON JOHNSON hangs out with his DORKY FRIENDS while LYNDSY FONSECA hangs out with her HOT FRIENDS.

LYNDSY FONSECA

So, Aaron, you're, like, gay, right?

AARON JOHNSON

Gay? What a fascinating and unique metaphor for the secrecy, fear of violence, isolation, and quiet bravery of being a superhero!

LYNDSY FONSECA

Yeah, unfortunately director Matthew Vaughn won't figure that out until X-Men: First Class. We're just using it to pad out the script with sit-com antics and stale gay jokes.

AARON JOHNSON

Wait, is this a spoof of comic book superheroes or Three's Company?

LYNDSY FONSECA

Yeah, right, Three's Company. Who would be stupid enough to do a parody of something that's already a comedy to start with? You'd have to be an absolute moron. A total give-me-the-extended-warranty, Twins-2-with-Eddie-Murphy-sounds-like-a-good-idea, I'm-going-to-vote-for-Ron-Paul, Kick-Ass-needs-an-abridged-script ignoramus.

AARON JOHNSON

I see what you did there. Anyway, I better go put on my wetsuit or the audience is going to get bored.

EXT. PARKING LOT

AARON puts on his KICK-ASS costume and heads to the BAD PART OF TOWN. Sure enough, two THUGS are breaking into a CAR.

AARON JOHNSON

At last, we get to see what a superhero fight would look like in the real world!

AARON gets GRAPHICALLY BEATEN, STABBED, and RUN OVER BY A CAR.

AARON JOHNSON

Ha, ha! That sure was funny. I hope you enjoy watching me get in over my head and get the shit kicked out of me over and over again, because it's pretty much the only joke in the entire movie.

Later, at the HOSPITAL.

DOCTOR

Hey, good news! Now you've got metal bones and can't feel pain!

AARON JOHNSON

Wait, we're supposed to be making fun of how ridiculous superheroes would be in the real world, and the first thing that happens is that I get actual superpowers? Superhero pornos don't abandon their original premise this fast! What could be more stupid?

DOCTOR

Insulting Ron Paul voters in an internet forum that allows comments?

INT. SLUMS

AARON goes out as KICK-ASS once again, this time to confront LYNDSY'S DRUG-DEALING EX-BOYFRIEND.

AARON JOHNSON

Don't worry, I brought a TASER! It's funny because it demonstrates how preposterous it is to think one person could singlehandedly beat up an entire room full of thugs.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Here I come to save the day! Fuck! Bitch! Cunt!

CHLOË singlehandedly beats up an entire room full of thugs. And by "beat up," I mean KILLS THE SHIT OUT OF THEM.

NICOLAS CAGE

That's my little girl! Do to them just like I did to my professional reputation!

AARON JOHNSON

There really are superheroes?! And they really can do all the stuff we're supposed to be lampooning? What the fuck!

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Hey, dipshit! This isn't an exploration of being a superhero in the real world. It's wish fulfillment, pure and simple. Now get the fuck over it, you whiny cunt.

AARON JOHNSON

It is? In that case, why waste time with this stupid "pretending to be gay" subplot? I should be able to walk over to Lyndsy Fonseca's house and she'll suddenly want to have sex with me anywhere and everywhere all the time.

This HAPPENS.

AARON JOHNSON

Hell, yeah! Now how 'bout a sidekick?

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

Did someone call for the Red Mintz?

AARON JOHNSON

I'm totally getting the hang of this. Now let's go fight crime in a successful and wish-fulfilling way!

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

Sure, right after I shoot Chloë in the chest.

He DOES.

AARON JOHNSON

What a shocking betrayal!

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

Actually, the audience has known the whole time that my dad is the big bad guy and this whole thing was a setup.

AARON JOHNSON

Really? Holy wasted opportunity, Batman! Well, at least they're probably totally surprised and heart-broken to see Chloë take a bullet to the chest.

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

Nah, it's been established over and over again that she's wearing a magical bulletproof vest that lets her get shot at close range without even a bruise.

AARON JOHNSON

So none of this has any emotional impact on the audience?

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

Yep. Now I'm taking you and Nicolas Cage hostage.

NICOLAS CAGE

Can you hurry it up? I've got six more Abridged Scripts to be in by Tuesday.

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE

The BAD GUYS beat the UTTER SHIT out of AARON and NICOLAS, ultimately setting them on FIRE.

AARON JOHNSON

If watching the good guys get graphically tortured is your idea of comedy, then this movie is fucking Ghostbusters. Also, your doctor should probably up your daily dose of Thorazine.

CHLOË shows up and KILLS ALL THE BAD GUYS, but it's too late -- NICOLAS DIES from his injuries.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

At last, a scene with some emotional weight.

AARON JOHNSON

Let's ignore it.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Let's ignore the fuck out of it.

AARON JOHNSON

I'm talkin' let's pretend there's not even a body.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

And no police investigation either. Because my dad's death would inevitably lead police right back to me and the shitload of people I just killed.

AARON JOHNSON

If only we had something big to distract the audience.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Something like the giant arsenal of weapons my dad just bought?

AARON JOHNSON

That should do it. After all, if there's anything we learned from Batman, Iron Man, Green Hornet, and Bill Gates, it's that being able to buy stuff is the ultimate super power.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Now let's go straight-up murder all the bad guys in cold-blooded revenge.

AARON JOHNSON

Sure, that sounds like something I'd do. But since this is my movie, why don't you give me all the cool super-weapons while you just walk in the front door?

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Sounds fair.

INT. MARK STRONG'S SKYSCRAPER

CHLOË walks in the front door of BAD GUY CENTRAL and starts KILLING EVERYBODY. Eventually, she gets TRAPPED by gunmen and in need of a RESCUE.

Suddenly, AARON flies in with a JET PACK and some GATLING GUNS.

AARON JOHNSON

I can fly! I'm almost but not quite as cool as The Rocketeer!

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

If this is wish fulfillment, your wishes suck. I bet you can't even beat Christopher Mintz-Plasse in a sissy slap fight.

AARON JOHNSON

Only one way to find out.

AARON and CHRISTOPHER slap each other into UNCONSCIOUSNESS.

Meanwhile, CHLOË continues her MURDEROUS RAMPAGE until she runs into MARK STRONG, the main bad guy. He proceeds to BEAT THE SHIT out of her.

AARON JOHNSON

Hey, I'm awake again. Also, I have a bazooka.

AARON blows MARK STRONG off the face of the planet.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL

AARON and CHLOË now go to the same school.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

I'm living with my dad's best friend now. Any other loose ends you can think of?

AARON JOHNSON

How about 115 murders that the police can very easily trace back to you.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

How 'bout you shut your fucking whore mouth and call this a happy ending.

END.

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