The Abridged Script
EXT. OMINOUS NEW ENGLAND WOODS, 1869
RANDOM 19TH CENTURY GUY 1
Gee whilikers, we gotta get rid of this game. It's the work of Satan! Or witches. Or Southerners. Whoever we'd be most likely to demonize at this time in history.
RANDOM 19TH CENTURY GUY 2
I just hope no one finds it, buried deeply as it is, 3 whole feet below the earth. I mean, this is literally the best thing we could think of to protect others from this unspeakable evil: ride a couple of miles into the woods and bury it in a shallow grave.
RANDOM 19TH CENTURY GUY 1
Just as long as it's not our problem anymore. May God have mercy, yadda yadda.
They leave. The movie jumps forward 100 YEARS.
EXT. THE EXACT SAME AREA OF NEW ENGLAND, 1969
ADAM HANN-BYRD and LAURA BELL BUNDY find JUMANJI, the game whose hazards are by turns TERRIFYINGLY DEADLY and HILARIOUSLY RIDICULOUS.
Okay, if something bad happens to me, promise you'll run down the street screaming and do nothing whatsoever to try and rectify the situation.
LAURA BELL BUNDY
What? Oh, sure. Sorry, I'm busy blowing everyone's minds who didn't realize I was in this movie.
ADAM gets sucked into the GAME, and LAURA keeps her promise. The AUDIENCE hopes that over the next QUARTER-CENTURY, the GAME finds its way to somewhere more INTERESTING.
EXT. NOPE, STILL NEW ENGLAND, 1995
It is established that KIRSTEN DUNST and BRADLEY PIERCE'S parents died on a SKIING HOLIDAY, and that ever since, the kids have been ACTING OUT.
I'm a pathological liar. Oh God, did that sentence just become a logical paradox?
I speak to no one, except for my sister, and strange, bearded jungle men.
Let's cut school and play this weird board game. Fuck the establishment!
As before, DANGEROUS CREATURES come out of the GAME, including HUGE MOSQUITOS and MONKEYS THAT CAN DRIVE.
Keeping all that crazy shit in mind, do you know what we should do?
A LION comes out of the GAME to play PIANO. Luckily, ROBIN WILLIAMS comes out with it, and TRAPS it behind the STRONGEST DOOR IN THE WORLD.
Is that a lion in my aunt's bedroom?
Nope. Chuck Testa.
Your beard isn't very convincing. Do the costume and makeup people have any idea how hairy you actually are? You look like you just finished No-Shave November, not spent 26 years in a jungle.
EXT. DEPRESSION TOWN USA
ROBIN leaves to find ANSWERS. In quick succession, he learns that his TOWN has gone to RUIN, his father's FACTORY has CLOSED and that his PARENTS are DEAD.
You're taking this pretty well.
I grew up in a fucking jungle. I'm the baddest, most capable motherfucker alive.
They return to the HOUSE, where ROBIN loses a pint of blood SHAVING and insults a TEN YEAR OLD GIRL.
To make all this go away, we need to finish the game, and for that, we need Bonnie Hunt. Considering all the stress of my disappearance, the 26 year time gap, and the fact that this town is apparently the most terrible place in the country, there's only a very small chance we'll be able to find her.
They find BONNIE HUNT locked inside her CHILDHOOD HOME.
INT. BACK AT THE HOUSE
They all sit down to play the GAME.
Just fyi, I'm going to act like a jerk for a good half of this movie, and you're my first target.
That's not going to stop me from looking at you longingly and enjoying the many, many awkward moments we're going to have before this all gets resolved.
SENTIENT JUNGLE VINES spread through the house, quickly followed by JONATHAN HYDE, who makes his role as a PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION of ROBIN'S FATHER ISSUES extremely obvious, by playing a mean hunter with SIDEBURNS who tries to kill him.
Blast! Damn! Miserable coward! Other assorted British colloquialisms!
Look, I don't know why, he just finds me incredibly offensive for some reason that definitely isn't psychologically significant at all.
Maybe he saw Patch Adams?
Get back here, sonny-jim! Wait, that was a bit obvious. Oh well. The director lost the option of being subtle when he "Hooked" me into playing both roles.
ROBIN runs away, leaving EVERYONE ELSE at the mercy of the VINES, which have luckily suddenly STOPPED DOING ANYTHING AT ALL. He soon returns, and they all KEEP PLAYING.
You'd think that after 26 years in the jungle you'd have developed a survival strategy slightly more complex than "run away."
Oh look, another quaint rhyming riddle about a jungle peril.
Run! It's a stampede! Despite the fact that the idea of a stampede in a jungle makes no logical sense because of all the trees! And that none of the stampeding animals about to trash your aunt's house are native to jungles! And that stampedes are almost always composed of only one species! But run!
A STAMPEDE crashes through the HOUSE, and a PELICAN steals the game, because PELICANS are DICKS.
Don't worry, this isn't the first time I've had to catch a pelican.
Ah, I guess you did have to eat.
Well yes, but that's not what I caught them for.
It gets lonely in the jungle.
ROBIN distracts the BIRD by catching a fish with his BARE HANDS, indicating AMAZING REFLEXES. He then fails to catch the GAME as it FALLS SLOWLY into the water. Luckily, BRADLEY gets it instead.
I refuse to acknowledge your heroic and helpful retrieval of the game because I, as in so many of my other movies, am an odd mix of mature adult and petulant child.
It's okay, honey. His dad keeps trying to shoot him, he's a bit on edge.
DAVID ALAN GRIER arrives and arrests ROBIN for PRETTY MUCH NO REASON. BRADLEY tries to cheat at the game, and starts to GROW FUR.
Bradley, oh my god! You're turning into Robin Williams! This game is truly diabolical.
You know what, given everything that's happened so far, I should be getting eaten alive by fire ants or raped by an armadillo right now. This "punishment" is actually the best thing we've gotten from this game so far. And yes, that includes Robin.
They head into TOWN.
EXT. RECESSION CENTRAL
The STAMPEDE crashes through, with a WHEEZING RHINOCEROS bringing up the rear, a joke that will be used TWICE. BRADLEY tries to evade the SINGLE-FILE LINE of animals by getting into the only car DIRECTLY IN THEIR PATH.
You really don't deserve it, hon.
ROBIN hijacks DAVID'S car and crashes into the SUPERMARKET where JONATHAN has cornered the other PLAYERS.
You know, for a hunter, you're a pretty terrible shot.
I'd deliver the biting retort that I prepared earlier, but I'm about to get crushed, do excuse me.
JONATHAN is buried under HUNDREDS of PAINT CANS, and the players escape. Meanwhile, DAVID, who is evidently a SUPERHERO, rips the door from his car in order to free himself.
INT. THE PARRISH HOUSE
The PLAYERS summon a MONSOON that starts to flood the HOUSE. They make for HIGHER GROUND, instead of OPENING THE FUCKING DOOR and GOING OUTSIDE.
Good thing my dad installed those magical unbreakable windows when he built this place.
Not to mention spending thousands of dollars on caulking.
DAVID uses his SUPERPOWERS to kick down the DOOR that was withstanding WATER PRESSURE strong enough to subsequently CARRY him down the STREET, SCREAMING like a BABY.
Back in the HOUSE, MID-90s SPECIAL EFFECTS are sucking ROBIN into the ground.
There's a metaphor in there somewhere.
Okay, look, let's keep playing, and hope something happens that completely contradicts everything we've come to expect from this game based on the movie so far, preferably before Robin drowns in molten wood.
IT DOES. BONNIE and ROBIN are now stuck in the floor together, which is AWKWARD, yet TOUCHINGLY SWEET.
DIRECTOR JOE JOHNSTON
That's what everyone's getting out of this, right?
Just as long as we get paid, Joe.
Suddenly, SPIDERS! Oh, and KIRSTEN gets BARBED by a vine.
...Shit. Okay, Bradley, run to the woodshed and grab the least effective weapon against spiders that you can find.
Can I lock my aunt in a closet along the way?
If you want to, sweetie.
Everyone keeps playing, despite the fact that both adults are IN THE FLOOR, one kid is POISONED and the other is an AXE-WIELDING MONKEY.
Could've improvised a flamethrower from a can and a lighter like Jeff Daniels, but nooo, I'm just gonna keep chopping away.
An EARTHQUAKE occurs, and the HOUSE splits neatly down the middle, in a way that HOUSES NEVER DO.
We're out of the floor!
Can't stop now, we have more jungle references to make!
ROBIN swings to the ground on VINES, that, once again, AREN'T DOING ANYTHING. He is about to finish the GAME when JONATHAN and his AMAZING TECHNICOLORED KHAKIS appear.
Any last words?
Have you ever seen the clown that hides from gay hunters?
Oh, you dick.
EVERYTHING gets SUCKED into the GAME, including JONATHAN, SCREAMING LIKE A BABY. The WORLD conveniently returns to the way it was in 1969.
Well, I guess we should get rid of this damn thing, knowing how much damage it can cause.
LAURA BELL BUNDY
So what were you thinking? Douse it in gasoline and burn it? Chop it up with an axe? Throw it down a sinkhole? Encase it in the cement foundations of a bridge?
Yeah, that all sounds like a lot of effort. Can we just tie some bricks to it and drop it in the nearest river?
LAURA BELL BUNDY
As long as we can make out afterwards.
They live HAPPILY EVER AFTER, which, to be fair, they kinda earned.
EXT. FRENCH BEACH
The GAME has floated to FRANCE. No one cares, because it's FRANCE.