FADE IN:

INT . JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

I’ll just go to sleep now..

She slips on her TIGHT, SEXY PAJAMAS.

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

Oh, no, this left strap is broken. I guess I might as well just sleep topless……

SUDDENLY, there is a rustling of clothing. JENNIFER grabs a knife. Her closet light is on. She, with her breasts, creeps toward it silently. She draws her knife… SUDDENLY, BRANDY leaps out of the closet.

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

BRANDY

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

BRANDY

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

Oh, it’s just you. What the hell is wrong with you?

BRANDY

I was just borrowing your dress. In the middle of the night. And being secretive and creepy about it. What’s the problem?

(pause)

Oh, that’s right, the overparanoia and nightmares you have as a result of almost being killed numerous times and seeing your best friends brutally butchered. I probably should have taken that into consideration. Sorry.

SUDDENLY, the phone RINGS. JENNIFER’S LEFT BREAST picks it up.

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

Hello?

EVIL SOUNDING VOICE

Do you know the capital of Brazil?

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

Rio de Janeiro.

TARGET STUPID TEEN AUDIENCE

Wow, how’d they know that, yo?

EVIL SOUNDING VOICE

Correct. You’re going to the bahamas!

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

Yay!

EVIL SOUNDING VOICE

To die.

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

What?

CLICK!

EXT. THE BAHAMAS - DAY

MEKHI PHIFER

Damn, baby, I wanna be gettin it on wit yo sweet honey ass damn yo.

BRANDY

Sorry, I can’t be nude. It would ruin my career. I’ve gotten so far with the ingenious “Moesha.”

MATTHEW SETTLE

(squealing like a nerd)

Where’s my inhaler?

RESORT STAFF

Hi, we work here at the resort. Since it’s the rainy season, you are apparently the only people here, plus us.

SUDDENLY, everyone on the RESORT STAFF explodes.

THE FISHERMAN

Har har! My Gorton’s Fish-sticks they ate today had explosives in them. Arrrr.

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

BRANDY

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

BRANDY, MATTHEW, JENNIFER, and JENNIFER’S BREASTS run away.

MEKHI PHIFER

I’ll be manly and stay here, I will stop the evil Gorton’s Fisherman.

THE FISHERMAN deep fries MEKHI and dips him in cocktail sauce.

THE FISHERMAN

Arrr, matey.

He walks, slowly but menacingly, after the group and their many BREASTS.

EXT. THE BAHAMAS - NIGHT (MOMENTS AFTER IT WAS DAY)

BRANDY trips. THE FISHERMAN catches up with her.

THE FISHERMAN

Ahoy.

THE FISHERMAN makes her walk the PLANK.

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

Now you’ve gone too far. YOU’RE GOING DOWN, FISHERMAN SCUM!

THE FISHERMAN

Arr!!

JENNIFER’S BREASTS pummel THE FISHERMAN.

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

STOP..MURDERING…MY…FRIENDS!!!

THE RIGHT BREAST kicks THE FISHERMAN in the NARDS.

THE FISHERMAN

When I killed all of your friends, I may have gone overboard…

THE LEFT BREAST pulls out a GUN and SHOOTS THE FISHERMAN five times.

MATTHEW SETTLE

Good job. Let me have the gun.

She gives it to him.

MATTHEW SETTLE

Ha ha! I am actually The Fisherman’s son! I must kill you.

BRANDY

Wait! I’m still alive!

BRANDY sings “That Boy Is Mine.”

MATTHEW SETTLE

(clutching skull)

NO!! NOT THAT SONG!! I’VE HEARD IT OVER A THOUSAND TIMES ON THE RADIO!

JENNIFER sings her new song, “How Do I Deal.”

MATTHEW SETTLE

(digging fingers into skull)

I ONLY HAVE ONE BULLET LEFT! WHICH ONE DO I SHOOT? AHHHH!!

He shoots himself in the head.

END