Iron Man: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on May 14th, 2008 | Movie Rating: 
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FADE IN:
EXT. AFGHANISTAN
ROBERT DOWNEY JR. illustrates the usage of his new weapon to various military personnel.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
I’d like to thank you all for coming to see my new weapon. As you can see, it’s a giant missile that launches smaller missiles in the air, and each small missile drops copies of In Dreams and Gothika. It’s a truly devastating power.
TERRENCE HOWARD
It’s a good thing you came all the way out to the Middle East to show this weapon, rather than one of the many weapons testing grounds in the United States.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Wait.. we’re in the Middle East? In a Hollywood movie? Then that means… OH SHI–
SUDDENLY, a bunch of extraordinarily well-armed TERRORISTS blow all kinds of shit up and kidnap ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
GENERIC TERRORIST
I need you to build me a missile. Tell me what supplies you need and we will get them, then leave you alone to build whatever you want. Please don’t build anything to use against us.
He DOES. Robert builds a 60′S ROBOT HALLOWEEN COSTUME and then beats up some terrorists using it. Eventually he gets back to AMERICA, which instantly makes everything BETTER.
JEFF BRIDGES
Robert! Welcome back. As your partner and obvious eventual bad guy, I was extremely worried about you. Tell me what you used to escape and if we can sell it.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Later. First, I need a delicious, juicy, American hamburger! Failing that, one of Burger King’s tasteless, squashed heaps of grade D meat and soggy bread will do fine.
GWYNETH PALTROW
Hi Robert. I’m so glad you’re back to carry the movie. I haven’t been in a decent film in about 10 years and this one is my only hope.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Look at who you’re talking to. Anyway, let’s go to my press conference. If there’s one thing comic book fans love to see on film, it’s a good press conference.
INT. DOWNEY INDUSTRIES
REPORTER 1
Robert, is it true that your overdone portrayal of Tony Stark serves to do little more than make the parts of the movie with the titular hero boring by comparison?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Absolutely not, I keep Spiderman’s trademark wisecracking even while in the suit, allowing my incessantly sarcastic character to annoy audiences for the entire duration of the film. Next question.
REPORTER 2
Some people claim that Iron Man is just a shitty Marvel knockoff of DC’s iconic Batman. What do you have to say to them?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
That’s ludicrous. I actually AM the obnoxious douchebag character that Bruce Wayne pretends to be to throw people off. Totally different.
(pause)
Anyway, the point of this press conference is to say that my company will no longer make weapons. Starting immediately, all Downey Industry weapons will shoot out cute little flags that say “bang.”
INT. ROBERT DOWNEY JR’S MANSION
ROBERT begins working on a new ROBOT HALLOWEEN COSTUME.
GWYNETH PALTROW
Robert, your stock is plummeting and your board of directors wants you out.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Superheroes, press conferences, and now all of the excitement of corporate takeovers and stock market fluctuations? This movie has everything!
GWYNETH PALTROW
Everything except a villain.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Oh, who would you prefer I face off against? The Chinese guy with the ten magical rings?
GWYNETH PALTROW
Well no, but so far your biggest villain has been the host of Mad Money. Does Iron Man really suck this much?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
What about myself? As a Marvel character, I have flaws, so perhaps my real villain is my crippling alcoholism.
GWYNETH PALTROW
You mean the crippling alcoholism that in no way stopped you from becoming a genius billionaire inventor and so far has manifested itself in a single scene where you hold a drink without actually drinking it?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
That’s the one. Now get out of my way, I have to go to Afghanistan and fly around a bit to make it seem like this movie has an action sequence.
He DOES. Eventually he saves some villagers from the GENERIC TERRORISTS that captured him earlier, then flies away.
Meanwhile, JEFF BRIDGES uses the pieces of ROBERT’S OLD 60′S ROBOT COSTUME to build an EXTRA HUGE 60′S ROBOT COSTUME of his own.
GWYNETH PALTROW
Robert, I’m pretty sure that Jeff Bridges is trying to kill you. He said something about you pissing on his rug.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
I see no option other than allowing this movie to degrade into a clichéd comic book confrontation between two super powerful monsters battling through the city.
ROBERT flies to DOWNY INDUSTRIES to confront JEFF BRIDGES.
JEFF BRIDGES
I am all-powerful now, Robert! Nobody can stop me! Not even the guy who invented the weapon I’m using!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Gwyneth! Flip the ‘Kill Jeff Bridges’ switch!
GWYNETH PALTROW
I can’t! Despite being strong, smart, and capable for the duration of the film, I’ve suddenly transformed into a scared little damsel in distress, incapable of even the slightest gesture that could help you!
ROBERT flies into the air, and JEFF BRIDGES chases him. Suddenly, they fly too high and JEFF freezes, then plummets to the ground, probably landing on a house and killing the family inside.
JEFF BRIDGES
Did you just kill me with science? What is this shit, the Fantastic Four?
(dies)
GWYNETH PALTROW
You did it, Robert! The world has been saved from the dangerous weapon that you built in the first place!
TERRENCE HOWARD
And I’m still in the movie, everyone!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Let’s celebrate with a drink! Just kidding of course, alcoholism is a totally manageable disease.
END
ROBERT enters his mansion only to discover SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Hello Robert. I’m the director of SHIELD, I want to talk to you about the Avengers project. It’s a superhero team consisting of Captain America, Thor, you, and a bunch of people that nobody gives a flying fuck about at all. And sometimes Spider-man.
END FOR REALS
“I just think it’s wierd that Rod thinks its a GOOD THING that Total Film ALLOW HIM to post HIS scripts on HIS site. I think thats fucked up.”
That’s copyright for you!
May 16th, 2008 at 11:19 pmlol Damon , you are right about Jeff falling and not dying. And Jim, I don’t get it, what’s so bad about xmen 3. Yeah they screwed up the story line for the comics but i still enjoyed it and it didn’t bother me. Probably for the shear fact that I know only a little about the xmen. But still.
May 17th, 2008 at 4:30 pmWell i think John Favreau did an awesome job of bringin this icon to the big screen, specially when u compare it to the rest of the stinkin pile of crap dats been going around, Spiderman 3, X3, heck even Superman Returns (Batman the beginning excluded…that was the shite!…in a good way). N im really glad the movie paid off…both financially and critically (4stars is a heck of a rarity for Rod)
So its definetly harder to satirize a good movie, n i think Rod did a very commendable job here….loved the Lebowski ref, n u did a fine job of finding out faults for a movie thats to me was pretty close to perfect. Keep up the good work mate.
P.s. There’s always gonna be naysayers and cynics in every crowd, apart from sitting on their asses and criticizing others for their efforts, they hardly ever contribute anything concrete to society, so screw em! Ur doing a heck of a job maintaining and updating this site (a lot more)regularly (than u used to).
May 18th, 2008 at 12:09 pmEditin Rooms come a long way since 2001!
Thought this was a good movie, and didn’t take itself seriously, so I can see how it was harder to satire. I agree that the movies that aren’t as good usually are easier to make fun of.
But thanks Rod for doing this at all. It’s a nice fun distraction now and then.
May 18th, 2008 at 7:37 pmAnyone else wonder why there is an electro magnet in his chest rather than a regular magnet?
May 18th, 2008 at 7:59 pmYeah Ryan, I wonder about that one too. I also wonder why he needs an enormous powercell for that magnet. All the magnet has to do is keep a couple of small pieces of metal in place. A set of AA batteries should do the trick just fine. (Not to mention that over time the magnet would actually attract the metal, rather than keep it in place, but hey, who cares about realism.)
I also wonder why there is only one powercell without backup, and why he doesn’t keep an extra powercell in his pocket at all times, just in case. I wonder why the suit doesn’t have its own powersupply, rather than feeding of his. I wonder…. never mind, there are so many holes in this plot, I’d never finish this post if I had to list them all.
I didn’t think the movie was all that bad, but those small details get really annoying after a while.
May 19th, 2008 at 8:22 am“ROBERT flies into the air, and JEFF BRIDGES chases him. Suddenly, they fly too high and JEFF freezes, then plummets to the ground, probably landing on a house and killing the family inside.”
Glad I wasn’t the only one who thought of that during the final battle. Great movie and great parody though. Also, thanks for the Mandarin reference.
May 19th, 2008 at 9:20 am“Anyone else wonder why there is an electro magnet in his chest rather than a regular magnet?”
And anyone else notice the unexplained shift by which the device on his chest somehow went from just keeping the shrapnel from moving towards his heart (a very slow process, which would take days or months to kill him), to actually being what kept his heart working, meaning that he was almost dying when Stane took it away?
Hey, I loved the movie too, it’s hugely enjoyable, but I couldn’t help but notice this (and other) blatant plot holes. More fun could have been made of it!
May 19th, 2008 at 1:47 pmyeah, well thats like … your opinion, man.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:08 pmel_monty Says:
‘And anyone else notice the unexplained shift by which the device on his chest somehow went from just keeping the shrapnel from moving towards his heart (a very slow process, which would take days or months to kill him), to actually being what kept his heart working, meaning that he was almost dying when Stane took it away?’
By that time I’d pretty much given up on making sense of the whole magnet/heart thing. But you’re right. It was quite a change. Of course, if they hadn’t made this change, We’d have to wonder why they didn’t just remove the pieces of metal from his heart. If you can do open heart surgery in a cave and keep the subject alive, removing a couple of pieces of metal should be no problem for a good hospital
May 21st, 2008 at 8:04 am