Iron Man: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on May 14th, 2008 | Movie Rating: 
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FADE IN:
EXT. AFGHANISTAN
ROBERT DOWNEY JR. illustrates the usage of his new weapon to various military personnel.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
I’d like to thank you all for coming to see my new weapon. As you can see, it’s a giant missile that launches smaller missiles in the air, and each small missile drops copies of In Dreams and Gothika. It’s a truly devastating power.
TERRENCE HOWARD
It’s a good thing you came all the way out to the Middle East to show this weapon, rather than one of the many weapons testing grounds in the United States.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Wait.. we’re in the Middle East? In a Hollywood movie? Then that means… OH SHI–
SUDDENLY, a bunch of extraordinarily well-armed TERRORISTS blow all kinds of shit up and kidnap ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
GENERIC TERRORIST
I need you to build me a missile. Tell me what supplies you need and we will get them, then leave you alone to build whatever you want. Please don’t build anything to use against us.
He DOES. Robert builds a 60′S ROBOT HALLOWEEN COSTUME and then beats up some terrorists using it. Eventually he gets back to AMERICA, which instantly makes everything BETTER.
JEFF BRIDGES
Robert! Welcome back. As your partner and obvious eventual bad guy, I was extremely worried about you. Tell me what you used to escape and if we can sell it.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Later. First, I need a delicious, juicy, American hamburger! Failing that, one of Burger King’s tasteless, squashed heaps of grade D meat and soggy bread will do fine.
GWYNETH PALTROW
Hi Robert. I’m so glad you’re back to carry the movie. I haven’t been in a decent film in about 10 years and this one is my only hope.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Look at who you’re talking to. Anyway, let’s go to my press conference. If there’s one thing comic book fans love to see on film, it’s a good press conference.
INT. DOWNEY INDUSTRIES
REPORTER 1
Robert, is it true that your overdone portrayal of Tony Stark serves to do little more than make the parts of the movie with the titular hero boring by comparison?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Absolutely not, I keep Spiderman’s trademark wisecracking even while in the suit, allowing my incessantly sarcastic character to annoy audiences for the entire duration of the film. Next question.
REPORTER 2
Some people claim that Iron Man is just a shitty Marvel knockoff of DC’s iconic Batman. What do you have to say to them?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
That’s ludicrous. I actually AM the obnoxious douchebag character that Bruce Wayne pretends to be to throw people off. Totally different.
(pause)
Anyway, the point of this press conference is to say that my company will no longer make weapons. Starting immediately, all Downey Industry weapons will shoot out cute little flags that say “bang.”
INT. ROBERT DOWNEY JR’S MANSION
ROBERT begins working on a new ROBOT HALLOWEEN COSTUME.
GWYNETH PALTROW
Robert, your stock is plummeting and your board of directors wants you out.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Superheroes, press conferences, and now all of the excitement of corporate takeovers and stock market fluctuations? This movie has everything!
GWYNETH PALTROW
Everything except a villain.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Oh, who would you prefer I face off against? The Chinese guy with the ten magical rings?
GWYNETH PALTROW
Well no, but so far your biggest villain has been the host of Mad Money. Does Iron Man really suck this much?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
What about myself? As a Marvel character, I have flaws, so perhaps my real villain is my crippling alcoholism.
GWYNETH PALTROW
You mean the crippling alcoholism that in no way stopped you from becoming a genius billionaire inventor and so far has manifested itself in a single scene where you hold a drink without actually drinking it?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
That’s the one. Now get out of my way, I have to go to Afghanistan and fly around a bit to make it seem like this movie has an action sequence.
He DOES. Eventually he saves some villagers from the GENERIC TERRORISTS that captured him earlier, then flies away.
Meanwhile, JEFF BRIDGES uses the pieces of ROBERT’S OLD 60′S ROBOT COSTUME to build an EXTRA HUGE 60′S ROBOT COSTUME of his own.
GWYNETH PALTROW
Robert, I’m pretty sure that Jeff Bridges is trying to kill you. He said something about you pissing on his rug.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
I see no option other than allowing this movie to degrade into a clichéd comic book confrontation between two super powerful monsters battling through the city.
ROBERT flies to DOWNY INDUSTRIES to confront JEFF BRIDGES.
JEFF BRIDGES
I am all-powerful now, Robert! Nobody can stop me! Not even the guy who invented the weapon I’m using!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Gwyneth! Flip the ‘Kill Jeff Bridges’ switch!
GWYNETH PALTROW
I can’t! Despite being strong, smart, and capable for the duration of the film, I’ve suddenly transformed into a scared little damsel in distress, incapable of even the slightest gesture that could help you!
ROBERT flies into the air, and JEFF BRIDGES chases him. Suddenly, they fly too high and JEFF freezes, then plummets to the ground, probably landing on a house and killing the family inside.
JEFF BRIDGES
Did you just kill me with science? What is this shit, the Fantastic Four?
(dies)
GWYNETH PALTROW
You did it, Robert! The world has been saved from the dangerous weapon that you built in the first place!
TERRENCE HOWARD
And I’m still in the movie, everyone!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Let’s celebrate with a drink! Just kidding of course, alcoholism is a totally manageable disease.
END
ROBERT enters his mansion only to discover SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Hello Robert. I’m the director of SHIELD, I want to talk to you about the Avengers project. It’s a superhero team consisting of Captain America, Thor, you, and a bunch of people that nobody gives a flying fuck about at all. And sometimes Spider-man.
END FOR REALS
thanks for the explanation, rod. people need to just be grateful that we can see these for free and appreciate the ones that YOU CHOOSE to do. hear that, everyone? rod isn’t our bitch.
May 15th, 2008 at 10:19 amI’ve read your explanation a few times Rod, but it’s still no clearer to me WHAT THE FRICK YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.
Anyrate, do you feel you’re censoring yourself? You said you were going to do Doomsday, but then turned heels because of your job with Total Film (a magazine I’ve been buying for ten years, so I know how in love they are with Neil Marshall, and as such would’nt like to direct their readership to a website that crucified his latest film).
Hit me straight; did Total Fim tell you not to abridge Doomsday in order to not piss off their good friend Neil Marshall?
Ok, I guess answering that question would be career suicide for you, but… well, for me, you don’t need to answer. I think I know. Which is a shame, really; would’nt it be better if you were free, on YOUR OWN FUCKING SITE, to write whatever you wanted?
Anyone?
Anyone?
May 15th, 2008 at 11:26 amMoney is money, a living is a living. Loyalty is to what feeds you, not to a flock of sheep going ‘bitch bitch poll moan moan voted.’
May 15th, 2008 at 11:49 amJoker, no one knows what the “frick” YOU’RE talking about.
What’s worse…no one cares.
May 15th, 2008 at 1:20 pmJim…. Let it go, man. I’m obviously a big part of your life right now, and I’m sorry that you can’t seem to get over the time I handed you your ass on a platter a few weeks back. Just.. let it go. I’m not going to reciprocate in this any further. Just let it slide.
Prick.
May 15th, 2008 at 2:23 pmThe two best moments of this script revolved around Gwyneth Paltrow. First, yes, although I kind of liked Shallow Hal (yes) her last really good films (Sliding Doors, Shakespeare In Love) were around ten years ago.
Then there’s the line: “Despite being strong, smart, and capable for the duration of the film, I’ve suddenly transformed into a scared little damsel in distress, incapable of even the slightest gesture that could help you!” How true. And that plot point irritated me as well.
On the whole, this script is fine. But the 300 one was way funnier. (It grew on me as I grew to actually like the film more.)
May 15th, 2008 at 3:10 pmNo Ryan, there was an extra scene at the end of Iron Man’s credits that had Samuel L talking about the Avengers.
And was it a reference to Jumper?
May 15th, 2008 at 4:24 pmAll ya’ll need to lay off Rod’s balls about the voting crap and that the script sucked. Are you kidding me? this was fuckin hilarious. And Dr. Fumg, how could you not like Iron Man? Just because he wasn’t in it enough for you and that there were terrorist in it? Seriously?
May 15th, 2008 at 5:38 pmThe script didn’t suck. It just couldn’t compare to the rest.
And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to feed himself, is there? For all you know (and I apologise if he stated this somewhere), but writing for Total Film may be what’s funding this site. Domains and bandwidth don’t come free. Just sayin’.
May 15th, 2008 at 6:54 pmRod, your writing is excellent, keep up the good work, please overlook the fact that the majority of your readers are tools. Such is life.
Regards,
May 15th, 2008 at 8:37 pmLove Gorilla