Iron Man: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on May 14th, 2008 | Movie Rating: 
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FADE IN:
EXT. AFGHANISTAN
ROBERT DOWNEY JR. illustrates the usage of his new weapon to various military personnel.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
I’d like to thank you all for coming to see my new weapon. As you can see, it’s a giant missile that launches smaller missiles in the air, and each small missile drops copies of In Dreams and Gothika. It’s a truly devastating power.
TERRENCE HOWARD
It’s a good thing you came all the way out to the Middle East to show this weapon, rather than one of the many weapons testing grounds in the United States.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Wait.. we’re in the Middle East? In a Hollywood movie? Then that means… OH SHI–
SUDDENLY, a bunch of extraordinarily well-armed TERRORISTS blow all kinds of shit up and kidnap ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
GENERIC TERRORIST
I need you to build me a missile. Tell me what supplies you need and we will get them, then leave you alone to build whatever you want. Please don’t build anything to use against us.
He DOES. Robert builds a 60′S ROBOT HALLOWEEN COSTUME and then beats up some terrorists using it. Eventually he gets back to AMERICA, which instantly makes everything BETTER.
JEFF BRIDGES
Robert! Welcome back. As your partner and obvious eventual bad guy, I was extremely worried about you. Tell me what you used to escape and if we can sell it.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Later. First, I need a delicious, juicy, American hamburger! Failing that, one of Burger King’s tasteless, squashed heaps of grade D meat and soggy bread will do fine.
GWYNETH PALTROW
Hi Robert. I’m so glad you’re back to carry the movie. I haven’t been in a decent film in about 10 years and this one is my only hope.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Look at who you’re talking to. Anyway, let’s go to my press conference. If there’s one thing comic book fans love to see on film, it’s a good press conference.
INT. DOWNEY INDUSTRIES
REPORTER 1
Robert, is it true that your overdone portrayal of Tony Stark serves to do little more than make the parts of the movie with the titular hero boring by comparison?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Absolutely not, I keep Spiderman’s trademark wisecracking even while in the suit, allowing my incessantly sarcastic character to annoy audiences for the entire duration of the film. Next question.
REPORTER 2
Some people claim that Iron Man is just a shitty Marvel knockoff of DC’s iconic Batman. What do you have to say to them?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
That’s ludicrous. I actually AM the obnoxious douchebag character that Bruce Wayne pretends to be to throw people off. Totally different.
(pause)
Anyway, the point of this press conference is to say that my company will no longer make weapons. Starting immediately, all Downey Industry weapons will shoot out cute little flags that say “bang.”
INT. ROBERT DOWNEY JR’S MANSION
ROBERT begins working on a new ROBOT HALLOWEEN COSTUME.
GWYNETH PALTROW
Robert, your stock is plummeting and your board of directors wants you out.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Superheroes, press conferences, and now all of the excitement of corporate takeovers and stock market fluctuations? This movie has everything!
GWYNETH PALTROW
Everything except a villain.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Oh, who would you prefer I face off against? The Chinese guy with the ten magical rings?
GWYNETH PALTROW
Well no, but so far your biggest villain has been the host of Mad Money. Does Iron Man really suck this much?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
What about myself? As a Marvel character, I have flaws, so perhaps my real villain is my crippling alcoholism.
GWYNETH PALTROW
You mean the crippling alcoholism that in no way stopped you from becoming a genius billionaire inventor and so far has manifested itself in a single scene where you hold a drink without actually drinking it?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
That’s the one. Now get out of my way, I have to go to Afghanistan and fly around a bit to make it seem like this movie has an action sequence.
He DOES. Eventually he saves some villagers from the GENERIC TERRORISTS that captured him earlier, then flies away.
Meanwhile, JEFF BRIDGES uses the pieces of ROBERT’S OLD 60′S ROBOT COSTUME to build an EXTRA HUGE 60′S ROBOT COSTUME of his own.
GWYNETH PALTROW
Robert, I’m pretty sure that Jeff Bridges is trying to kill you. He said something about you pissing on his rug.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
I see no option other than allowing this movie to degrade into a clichéd comic book confrontation between two super powerful monsters battling through the city.
ROBERT flies to DOWNY INDUSTRIES to confront JEFF BRIDGES.
JEFF BRIDGES
I am all-powerful now, Robert! Nobody can stop me! Not even the guy who invented the weapon I’m using!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Gwyneth! Flip the ‘Kill Jeff Bridges’ switch!
GWYNETH PALTROW
I can’t! Despite being strong, smart, and capable for the duration of the film, I’ve suddenly transformed into a scared little damsel in distress, incapable of even the slightest gesture that could help you!
ROBERT flies into the air, and JEFF BRIDGES chases him. Suddenly, they fly too high and JEFF freezes, then plummets to the ground, probably landing on a house and killing the family inside.
JEFF BRIDGES
Did you just kill me with science? What is this shit, the Fantastic Four?
(dies)
GWYNETH PALTROW
You did it, Robert! The world has been saved from the dangerous weapon that you built in the first place!
TERRENCE HOWARD
And I’m still in the movie, everyone!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Let’s celebrate with a drink! Just kidding of course, alcoholism is a totally manageable disease.
END
ROBERT enters his mansion only to discover SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Hello Robert. I’m the director of SHIELD, I want to talk to you about the Avengers project. It’s a superhero team consisting of Captain America, Thor, you, and a bunch of people that nobody gives a flying fuck about at all. And sometimes Spider-man.
END FOR REALS
why’d we vote for the next script if you weren’t gonna do it anyway?
May 14th, 2008 at 5:17 pmSober Downey Jr was in three great films recently, YOU LEAVE HIM BE.
Oh and *bitch bitch bitch poll bitch bitch bitch voted moan moan moan*
May 14th, 2008 at 5:43 pmSorry Rod, you chose the wrong film to diss.
And don’t deny it, I saw the four stars you gave. Now take your own advice and find a movie that’ll make your abridged scripts actually funny, like…”Made of Honour”.
In the meantime you can also tell us if you’ve figured out what the title means.
May 14th, 2008 at 6:48 pmI think the script was funny, but it felt like your heart wasn’t quite in it, Rod…possibly because you actually enjoyed the film? Your scripts are at their best when you’re horrendously brutal, because the more vile a film is, the funnier your material. You’re like a comedic Hulk, I guess.
Still, it was a joy to read…although I still shed a tear every other Tuesday that “Doomsday” will never be on this site.
May 14th, 2008 at 7:06 pmI disagree that the scripts are junk unless he hates the film. I think the Matrix script is one of the best, but Rod liked that one, too. In fact, I think that most of the scripts I REALLY like are the ones where he actually dug the film.
This is not a rule nor an exception to it, only a casual observation. Yeah I think this felt forced, but I think that’s part of it when you feel like you have to [insert talent here] instead of just doing [insert talent here] when you “feel it.”
May 14th, 2008 at 7:39 pmBest part:
TERRENCE HOWARD: And I’m still in the movie, everyone!
Thumbs up!
May 15th, 2008 at 12:29 amGood script making fun of a really good movie. I’m torn. Get back to me later.
May 15th, 2008 at 12:50 amWas the scene after the credits supposed to be a reference to Jumper?
May 15th, 2008 at 1:30 amNo Ryan, there was an extra scene at the end of Iron Man’s credits that had Samuel L talking about the Avengers.
This script seemed very short? And also Rod, I’m surprised that you took a break after Juno only to come back with Iron Man. Iron Man was an overnight box office success, so I guess that’s why you did it, but after asking everyone to do the poll I’m kind of surprised you did it before Cloverfield. And before Harry Potter 5, which you said you’d do months ago. Just sayin…
May 15th, 2008 at 6:45 amPeople keep bitching at me for doing the poll and then not posting what won. Allow me to explain.
There are two strains of scripts on the site:
1) Scripts that I do for the web site
2) Scripts that Total Film tells me to write, which I then put on the web site.
Since Total Film requires I write a script for them every month, AND they determine what movie I have to see/abridge, I have no control over #2.
The #1 strain is far slower-progressing than the #2 strain, because I don’t get paid for them and I just do them to promote the site. Since the goal of #1 is to bring people to the site, I frequently try to find out what visitors would like to see (as it makes other people more likely to visit when they are published). That’s why I do polls.
Juno was toward the top of the last poll, so I abridged it for the #1 strain. Iron Man was an assignment from the #2 strain. Since I had a deadline for it, it got done before the next script to be uploaded through the #1 strain.
I’ve actually tried to deal with this problem by adding a “Coming Soon” section on the left so that nobody thinks I’ve forgotten about scripts I intend to write, but doing so has, somewhat ironically, led to even more complaints than usual.
In any case, Cloverfield and Harry Potter 5 will be the next scripts uploaded under Strain #1. But that strain leads to scripts at a much, much slower pace than Strain #2.
May 15th, 2008 at 7:51 am