Iron Man: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on May 14th, 2008 | Movie Rating: 
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FADE IN:
EXT. AFGHANISTAN
ROBERT DOWNEY JR. illustrates the usage of his new weapon to various military personnel.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
I’d like to thank you all for coming to see my new weapon. As you can see, it’s a giant missile that launches smaller missiles in the air, and each small missile drops copies of In Dreams and Gothika. It’s a truly devastating power.
TERRENCE HOWARD
It’s a good thing you came all the way out to the Middle East to show this weapon, rather than one of the many weapons testing grounds in the United States.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Wait.. we’re in the Middle East? In a Hollywood movie? Then that means… OH SHI–
SUDDENLY, a bunch of extraordinarily well-armed TERRORISTS blow all kinds of shit up and kidnap ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
GENERIC TERRORIST
I need you to build me a missile. Tell me what supplies you need and we will get them, then leave you alone to build whatever you want. Please don’t build anything to use against us.
He DOES. Robert builds a 60′S ROBOT HALLOWEEN COSTUME and then beats up some terrorists using it. Eventually he gets back to AMERICA, which instantly makes everything BETTER.
JEFF BRIDGES
Robert! Welcome back. As your partner and obvious eventual bad guy, I was extremely worried about you. Tell me what you used to escape and if we can sell it.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Later. First, I need a delicious, juicy, American hamburger! Failing that, one of Burger King’s tasteless, squashed heaps of grade D meat and soggy bread will do fine.
GWYNETH PALTROW
Hi Robert. I’m so glad you’re back to carry the movie. I haven’t been in a decent film in about 10 years and this one is my only hope.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Look at who you’re talking to. Anyway, let’s go to my press conference. If there’s one thing comic book fans love to see on film, it’s a good press conference.
INT. DOWNEY INDUSTRIES
REPORTER 1
Robert, is it true that your overdone portrayal of Tony Stark serves to do little more than make the parts of the movie with the titular hero boring by comparison?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Absolutely not, I keep Spiderman’s trademark wisecracking even while in the suit, allowing my incessantly sarcastic character to annoy audiences for the entire duration of the film. Next question.
REPORTER 2
Some people claim that Iron Man is just a shitty Marvel knockoff of DC’s iconic Batman. What do you have to say to them?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
That’s ludicrous. I actually AM the obnoxious douchebag character that Bruce Wayne pretends to be to throw people off. Totally different.
(pause)
Anyway, the point of this press conference is to say that my company will no longer make weapons. Starting immediately, all Downey Industry weapons will shoot out cute little flags that say “bang.”
INT. ROBERT DOWNEY JR’S MANSION
ROBERT begins working on a new ROBOT HALLOWEEN COSTUME.
GWYNETH PALTROW
Robert, your stock is plummeting and your board of directors wants you out.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Superheroes, press conferences, and now all of the excitement of corporate takeovers and stock market fluctuations? This movie has everything!
GWYNETH PALTROW
Everything except a villain.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Oh, who would you prefer I face off against? The Chinese guy with the ten magical rings?
GWYNETH PALTROW
Well no, but so far your biggest villain has been the host of Mad Money. Does Iron Man really suck this much?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
What about myself? As a Marvel character, I have flaws, so perhaps my real villain is my crippling alcoholism.
GWYNETH PALTROW
You mean the crippling alcoholism that in no way stopped you from becoming a genius billionaire inventor and so far has manifested itself in a single scene where you hold a drink without actually drinking it?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
That’s the one. Now get out of my way, I have to go to Afghanistan and fly around a bit to make it seem like this movie has an action sequence.
He DOES. Eventually he saves some villagers from the GENERIC TERRORISTS that captured him earlier, then flies away.
Meanwhile, JEFF BRIDGES uses the pieces of ROBERT’S OLD 60′S ROBOT COSTUME to build an EXTRA HUGE 60′S ROBOT COSTUME of his own.
GWYNETH PALTROW
Robert, I’m pretty sure that Jeff Bridges is trying to kill you. He said something about you pissing on his rug.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
I see no option other than allowing this movie to degrade into a clichéd comic book confrontation between two super powerful monsters battling through the city.
ROBERT flies to DOWNY INDUSTRIES to confront JEFF BRIDGES.
JEFF BRIDGES
I am all-powerful now, Robert! Nobody can stop me! Not even the guy who invented the weapon I’m using!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Gwyneth! Flip the ‘Kill Jeff Bridges’ switch!
GWYNETH PALTROW
I can’t! Despite being strong, smart, and capable for the duration of the film, I’ve suddenly transformed into a scared little damsel in distress, incapable of even the slightest gesture that could help you!
ROBERT flies into the air, and JEFF BRIDGES chases him. Suddenly, they fly too high and JEFF freezes, then plummets to the ground, probably landing on a house and killing the family inside.
JEFF BRIDGES
Did you just kill me with science? What is this shit, the Fantastic Four?
(dies)
GWYNETH PALTROW
You did it, Robert! The world has been saved from the dangerous weapon that you built in the first place!
TERRENCE HOWARD
And I’m still in the movie, everyone!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Let’s celebrate with a drink! Just kidding of course, alcoholism is a totally manageable disease.
END
ROBERT enters his mansion only to discover SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Hello Robert. I’m the director of SHIELD, I want to talk to you about the Avengers project. It’s a superhero team consisting of Captain America, Thor, you, and a bunch of people that nobody gives a flying fuck about at all. And sometimes Spider-man.
END FOR REALS
Duuuuuuuudddddeeee…..you pissed on my rug!
May 14th, 2008 at 7:26 amGENERIC TERRORIST
I need you to build me a missile. Tell me what supplies you need and we will get them, then leave you alone to build whatever you want. Please don’t build anything to use against us.
If any of the terrorists had ever seen an episode of The A-Team, this film would have been about 20 minutes long.
May 14th, 2008 at 8:09 amthat is such a piece of crap, steel was 1000 times better. shaq should win oscars.
on a serious note, movie was great and i kept thinking if the alcoholism was gonna move on forward but nothing.
the end of the movie felt like the end of spiderman 3, such cool build up to have a 10 minute action sequence that seemed rush to please the fanboys.
i hope iron man 2 has better villains and a long action sequence, no more generic terrorists!!!
May 14th, 2008 at 9:23 amI hate superhero movies, but I go and see ALL of them because all my friends are superhero nerds and they drag me along. So I wasn’t looking forward to seeing yet another generic movie with another superhero in another corporate setting where another CEO of said stupid company somehow becomes a super villain out of greed… Ok, seriously, that super-villain plotline is used WAY TOO MUCH.
But anyway, I actually liked the movie. It wasn’t full of excruciating dialogue where the masked superhero dramatically spins around and yells, “UH OH!” whenever something bad is about to happen. The acting was solid all-around. However, no amount alcoholic consumed beforehand could make Robert Downey Jr look hot. So that was a downside. Along with the cliche “company CEO becomes evil” thing.
May 14th, 2008 at 10:26 amThe movie was fun as long as you turn your common sense off, because it has enough plotholes to drive an SUV through.
One of my favorites was the “TRANSLATE” tool, which allowed us to know that the exact part of the phrase that was being talked there was an as-direct-as-it-gets incrimination to the villain, so we now know that he is not only greedy, but also a killer… Even though sending to kill Downey Jr. was stupid to begin with.
May 14th, 2008 at 10:32 amNice and subtle Lebowski reference :D
I found it a bit short through
May 14th, 2008 at 11:34 ameven better than the “Translate” tool being so convenient was the way it was able to translate it into English with a middle eastern accent.
May 14th, 2008 at 11:41 amWas there anything evil in the movie that wasn’t in some way Robert Downey Jr.’s fault? Terrorist weapons, Iron Monger suit, destroyed aircraft, Jeff Bridges holding so much power, the plant exploding at the end. Protecting a city from your own devices is hardly super heroic. That would be like if I burned down a retirement home but pulled a few old people out before it was completely consumed by the blaze.
Also he somehow didn’t melt in the first suit in the desert even though it was surrounded by flames.
May 14th, 2008 at 12:44 pmGreat script.
This movie, in poor words, sucked. Iron Man was only in it for about 20 minutes of the entire film. Also, having terrorists being the bad guys in almost every film is boring. Didn’t Iron Man start out fighting the Russians or something? Why ditch the Russians for the random Middle Eastern terrorist that “wants to control the world”? That’s lame. This movie sucked.
May 14th, 2008 at 1:47 pmAwful! Whats happened to you Rod?
May 14th, 2008 at 3:06 pm