Iron Man: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on May 14th, 2008 | Movie Rating: 
|
FADE IN:
EXT. AFGHANISTAN
ROBERT DOWNEY JR. illustrates the usage of his new weapon to various military personnel.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
I’d like to thank you all for coming to see my new weapon. As you can see, it’s a giant missile that launches smaller missiles in the air, and each small missile drops copies of In Dreams and Gothika. It’s a truly devastating power.
TERRENCE HOWARD
It’s a good thing you came all the way out to the Middle East to show this weapon, rather than one of the many weapons testing grounds in the United States.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Wait.. we’re in the Middle East? In a Hollywood movie? Then that means… OH SHI–
SUDDENLY, a bunch of extraordinarily well-armed TERRORISTS blow all kinds of shit up and kidnap ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
GENERIC TERRORIST
I need you to build me a missile. Tell me what supplies you need and we will get them, then leave you alone to build whatever you want. Please don’t build anything to use against us.
He DOES. Robert builds a 60′S ROBOT HALLOWEEN COSTUME and then beats up some terrorists using it. Eventually he gets back to AMERICA, which instantly makes everything BETTER.
JEFF BRIDGES
Robert! Welcome back. As your partner and obvious eventual bad guy, I was extremely worried about you. Tell me what you used to escape and if we can sell it.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Later. First, I need a delicious, juicy, American hamburger! Failing that, one of Burger King’s tasteless, squashed heaps of grade D meat and soggy bread will do fine.
GWYNETH PALTROW
Hi Robert. I’m so glad you’re back to carry the movie. I haven’t been in a decent film in about 10 years and this one is my only hope.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Look at who you’re talking to. Anyway, let’s go to my press conference. If there’s one thing comic book fans love to see on film, it’s a good press conference.
INT. DOWNEY INDUSTRIES
REPORTER 1
Robert, is it true that your overdone portrayal of Tony Stark serves to do little more than make the parts of the movie with the titular hero boring by comparison?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Absolutely not, I keep Spiderman’s trademark wisecracking even while in the suit, allowing my incessantly sarcastic character to annoy audiences for the entire duration of the film. Next question.
REPORTER 2
Some people claim that Iron Man is just a shitty Marvel knockoff of DC’s iconic Batman. What do you have to say to them?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
That’s ludicrous. I actually AM the obnoxious douchebag character that Bruce Wayne pretends to be to throw people off. Totally different.
(pause)
Anyway, the point of this press conference is to say that my company will no longer make weapons. Starting immediately, all Downey Industry weapons will shoot out cute little flags that say “bang.”
INT. ROBERT DOWNEY JR’S MANSION
ROBERT begins working on a new ROBOT HALLOWEEN COSTUME.
GWYNETH PALTROW
Robert, your stock is plummeting and your board of directors wants you out.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Superheroes, press conferences, and now all of the excitement of corporate takeovers and stock market fluctuations? This movie has everything!
GWYNETH PALTROW
Everything except a villain.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Oh, who would you prefer I face off against? The Chinese guy with the ten magical rings?
GWYNETH PALTROW
Well no, but so far your biggest villain has been the host of Mad Money. Does Iron Man really suck this much?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
What about myself? As a Marvel character, I have flaws, so perhaps my real villain is my crippling alcoholism.
GWYNETH PALTROW
You mean the crippling alcoholism that in no way stopped you from becoming a genius billionaire inventor and so far has manifested itself in a single scene where you hold a drink without actually drinking it?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
That’s the one. Now get out of my way, I have to go to Afghanistan and fly around a bit to make it seem like this movie has an action sequence.
He DOES. Eventually he saves some villagers from the GENERIC TERRORISTS that captured him earlier, then flies away.
Meanwhile, JEFF BRIDGES uses the pieces of ROBERT’S OLD 60′S ROBOT COSTUME to build an EXTRA HUGE 60′S ROBOT COSTUME of his own.
GWYNETH PALTROW
Robert, I’m pretty sure that Jeff Bridges is trying to kill you. He said something about you pissing on his rug.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
I see no option other than allowing this movie to degrade into a clichéd comic book confrontation between two super powerful monsters battling through the city.
ROBERT flies to DOWNY INDUSTRIES to confront JEFF BRIDGES.
JEFF BRIDGES
I am all-powerful now, Robert! Nobody can stop me! Not even the guy who invented the weapon I’m using!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Gwyneth! Flip the ‘Kill Jeff Bridges’ switch!
GWYNETH PALTROW
I can’t! Despite being strong, smart, and capable for the duration of the film, I’ve suddenly transformed into a scared little damsel in distress, incapable of even the slightest gesture that could help you!
ROBERT flies into the air, and JEFF BRIDGES chases him. Suddenly, they fly too high and JEFF freezes, then plummets to the ground, probably landing on a house and killing the family inside.
JEFF BRIDGES
Did you just kill me with science? What is this shit, the Fantastic Four?
(dies)
GWYNETH PALTROW
You did it, Robert! The world has been saved from the dangerous weapon that you built in the first place!
TERRENCE HOWARD
And I’m still in the movie, everyone!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Let’s celebrate with a drink! Just kidding of course, alcoholism is a totally manageable disease.
END
ROBERT enters his mansion only to discover SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Hello Robert. I’m the director of SHIELD, I want to talk to you about the Avengers project. It’s a superhero team consisting of Captain America, Thor, you, and a bunch of people that nobody gives a flying fuck about at all. And sometimes Spider-man.
END FOR REALS
first! haha, joker, take that!
May 14th, 2008 at 6:42 amMovie was great, this Abridged Script was just as good!
May 14th, 2008 at 6:59 amDuuuuuuuudddddeeee…..you pissed on my rug!
May 14th, 2008 at 7:26 amGENERIC TERRORIST
I need you to build me a missile. Tell me what supplies you need and we will get them, then leave you alone to build whatever you want. Please don’t build anything to use against us.
If any of the terrorists had ever seen an episode of The A-Team, this film would have been about 20 minutes long.
May 14th, 2008 at 8:09 amthat is such a piece of crap, steel was 1000 times better. shaq should win oscars.
on a serious note, movie was great and i kept thinking if the alcoholism was gonna move on forward but nothing.
the end of the movie felt like the end of spiderman 3, such cool build up to have a 10 minute action sequence that seemed rush to please the fanboys.
i hope iron man 2 has better villains and a long action sequence, no more generic terrorists!!!
May 14th, 2008 at 9:23 amI hate superhero movies, but I go and see ALL of them because all my friends are superhero nerds and they drag me along. So I wasn’t looking forward to seeing yet another generic movie with another superhero in another corporate setting where another CEO of said stupid company somehow becomes a super villain out of greed… Ok, seriously, that super-villain plotline is used WAY TOO MUCH.
But anyway, I actually liked the movie. It wasn’t full of excruciating dialogue where the masked superhero dramatically spins around and yells, “UH OH!” whenever something bad is about to happen. The acting was solid all-around. However, no amount alcoholic consumed beforehand could make Robert Downey Jr look hot. So that was a downside. Along with the cliche “company CEO becomes evil” thing.
May 14th, 2008 at 10:26 amThe movie was fun as long as you turn your common sense off, because it has enough plotholes to drive an SUV through.
One of my favorites was the “TRANSLATE” tool, which allowed us to know that the exact part of the phrase that was being talked there was an as-direct-as-it-gets incrimination to the villain, so we now know that he is not only greedy, but also a killer… Even though sending to kill Downey Jr. was stupid to begin with.
May 14th, 2008 at 10:32 amNice and subtle Lebowski reference :D
I found it a bit short through
May 14th, 2008 at 11:34 ameven better than the “Translate” tool being so convenient was the way it was able to translate it into English with a middle eastern accent.
May 14th, 2008 at 11:41 amWas there anything evil in the movie that wasn’t in some way Robert Downey Jr.’s fault? Terrorist weapons, Iron Monger suit, destroyed aircraft, Jeff Bridges holding so much power, the plant exploding at the end. Protecting a city from your own devices is hardly super heroic. That would be like if I burned down a retirement home but pulled a few old people out before it was completely consumed by the blaze.
Also he somehow didn’t melt in the first suit in the desert even though it was surrounded by flames.
May 14th, 2008 at 12:44 pmGreat script.
This movie, in poor words, sucked. Iron Man was only in it for about 20 minutes of the entire film. Also, having terrorists being the bad guys in almost every film is boring. Didn’t Iron Man start out fighting the Russians or something? Why ditch the Russians for the random Middle Eastern terrorist that “wants to control the world”? That’s lame. This movie sucked.
May 14th, 2008 at 1:47 pmAwful! Whats happened to you Rod?
May 14th, 2008 at 3:06 pmwhy’d we vote for the next script if you weren’t gonna do it anyway?
May 14th, 2008 at 5:17 pmSober Downey Jr was in three great films recently, YOU LEAVE HIM BE.
Oh and *bitch bitch bitch poll bitch bitch bitch voted moan moan moan*
May 14th, 2008 at 5:43 pmSorry Rod, you chose the wrong film to diss.
And don’t deny it, I saw the four stars you gave. Now take your own advice and find a movie that’ll make your abridged scripts actually funny, like…”Made of Honour”.
In the meantime you can also tell us if you’ve figured out what the title means.
May 14th, 2008 at 6:48 pmI think the script was funny, but it felt like your heart wasn’t quite in it, Rod…possibly because you actually enjoyed the film? Your scripts are at their best when you’re horrendously brutal, because the more vile a film is, the funnier your material. You’re like a comedic Hulk, I guess.
Still, it was a joy to read…although I still shed a tear every other Tuesday that “Doomsday” will never be on this site.
May 14th, 2008 at 7:06 pmI disagree that the scripts are junk unless he hates the film. I think the Matrix script is one of the best, but Rod liked that one, too. In fact, I think that most of the scripts I REALLY like are the ones where he actually dug the film.
This is not a rule nor an exception to it, only a casual observation. Yeah I think this felt forced, but I think that’s part of it when you feel like you have to [insert talent here] instead of just doing [insert talent here] when you “feel it.”
May 14th, 2008 at 7:39 pmBest part:
TERRENCE HOWARD: And I’m still in the movie, everyone!
Thumbs up!
May 15th, 2008 at 12:29 amGood script making fun of a really good movie. I’m torn. Get back to me later.
May 15th, 2008 at 12:50 amWas the scene after the credits supposed to be a reference to Jumper?
May 15th, 2008 at 1:30 amNo Ryan, there was an extra scene at the end of Iron Man’s credits that had Samuel L talking about the Avengers.
This script seemed very short? And also Rod, I’m surprised that you took a break after Juno only to come back with Iron Man. Iron Man was an overnight box office success, so I guess that’s why you did it, but after asking everyone to do the poll I’m kind of surprised you did it before Cloverfield. And before Harry Potter 5, which you said you’d do months ago. Just sayin…
May 15th, 2008 at 6:45 amPeople keep bitching at me for doing the poll and then not posting what won. Allow me to explain.
There are two strains of scripts on the site:
1) Scripts that I do for the web site
2) Scripts that Total Film tells me to write, which I then put on the web site.
Since Total Film requires I write a script for them every month, AND they determine what movie I have to see/abridge, I have no control over #2.
The #1 strain is far slower-progressing than the #2 strain, because I don’t get paid for them and I just do them to promote the site. Since the goal of #1 is to bring people to the site, I frequently try to find out what visitors would like to see (as it makes other people more likely to visit when they are published). That’s why I do polls.
Juno was toward the top of the last poll, so I abridged it for the #1 strain. Iron Man was an assignment from the #2 strain. Since I had a deadline for it, it got done before the next script to be uploaded through the #1 strain.
I’ve actually tried to deal with this problem by adding a “Coming Soon” section on the left so that nobody thinks I’ve forgotten about scripts I intend to write, but doing so has, somewhat ironically, led to even more complaints than usual.
In any case, Cloverfield and Harry Potter 5 will be the next scripts uploaded under Strain #1. But that strain leads to scripts at a much, much slower pace than Strain #2.
May 15th, 2008 at 7:51 amthanks for the explanation, rod. people need to just be grateful that we can see these for free and appreciate the ones that YOU CHOOSE to do. hear that, everyone? rod isn’t our bitch.
May 15th, 2008 at 10:19 amI’ve read your explanation a few times Rod, but it’s still no clearer to me WHAT THE FRICK YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.
Anyrate, do you feel you’re censoring yourself? You said you were going to do Doomsday, but then turned heels because of your job with Total Film (a magazine I’ve been buying for ten years, so I know how in love they are with Neil Marshall, and as such would’nt like to direct their readership to a website that crucified his latest film).
Hit me straight; did Total Fim tell you not to abridge Doomsday in order to not piss off their good friend Neil Marshall?
Ok, I guess answering that question would be career suicide for you, but… well, for me, you don’t need to answer. I think I know. Which is a shame, really; would’nt it be better if you were free, on YOUR OWN FUCKING SITE, to write whatever you wanted?
Anyone?
Anyone?
May 15th, 2008 at 11:26 amMoney is money, a living is a living. Loyalty is to what feeds you, not to a flock of sheep going ‘bitch bitch poll moan moan voted.’
May 15th, 2008 at 11:49 amJoker, no one knows what the “frick” YOU’RE talking about.
What’s worse…no one cares.
May 15th, 2008 at 1:20 pmJim…. Let it go, man. I’m obviously a big part of your life right now, and I’m sorry that you can’t seem to get over the time I handed you your ass on a platter a few weeks back. Just.. let it go. I’m not going to reciprocate in this any further. Just let it slide.
Prick.
May 15th, 2008 at 2:23 pmThe two best moments of this script revolved around Gwyneth Paltrow. First, yes, although I kind of liked Shallow Hal (yes) her last really good films (Sliding Doors, Shakespeare In Love) were around ten years ago.
Then there’s the line: “Despite being strong, smart, and capable for the duration of the film, I’ve suddenly transformed into a scared little damsel in distress, incapable of even the slightest gesture that could help you!” How true. And that plot point irritated me as well.
On the whole, this script is fine. But the 300 one was way funnier. (It grew on me as I grew to actually like the film more.)
May 15th, 2008 at 3:10 pmNo Ryan, there was an extra scene at the end of Iron Man’s credits that had Samuel L talking about the Avengers.
And was it a reference to Jumper?
May 15th, 2008 at 4:24 pmAll ya’ll need to lay off Rod’s balls about the voting crap and that the script sucked. Are you kidding me? this was fuckin hilarious. And Dr. Fumg, how could you not like Iron Man? Just because he wasn’t in it enough for you and that there were terrorist in it? Seriously?
May 15th, 2008 at 5:38 pmThe script didn’t suck. It just couldn’t compare to the rest.
And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to feed himself, is there? For all you know (and I apologise if he stated this somewhere), but writing for Total Film may be what’s funding this site. Domains and bandwidth don’t come free. Just sayin’.
May 15th, 2008 at 6:54 pmRod, your writing is excellent, keep up the good work, please overlook the fact that the majority of your readers are tools. Such is life.
Regards,
May 15th, 2008 at 8:37 pmLove Gorilla
To answer a few more questions, no I don’t think that Total Film is censoring me in any way. In fact, it’s extremely nice of them to allow me to post the longer versions on my site. Considering that the script is a paid commission by them, they could just claim all copyright, but they allow me to retain copyright on the larger script and post it on the site.
They actually change the movie they want me to do at the last minute frequently. I just don’t usually announce the likely movie in a comment like I did with Doomsday. The doomsday change WAS a bit weirder than usual, but the magazine industry is pretty political, so it doesn’t surprise me.
It’s also worth mentioning, if you take all of the Total Film commissioned scripts OFF the site suddenly, you’d be left with FAR fewer scripts. In fact, a few years ago (before I switched the format of the site, added comments, and gained some more visitors) the ONLY scripts on the site were the ones Total Film had me write, and quite frankly had they not done that I probably would have stopped updating the site around 2003 or so. It was a busy time for me, and the only reason I kept working on the site was that it was essentially free to do so.
May 15th, 2008 at 9:39 pmOk, for starters, I’m not ragging on Rod AT ALL. I’ve been a fan of this site since Total Film printed the Phantom Menace Abridged script way back when the site was ter.aer0day (nah, me neither) and I’ve read and enjoyed just about everything he’s written. He’s gotta feed the monkey on his back, so I’m damn glad that he has a job with Total Film (you couldn’t get me a start, could you?).
I just think it’s wierd that Rod thinks its a GOOD THING that Total Film ALLOW HIM to post HIS scripts on HIS site. I think thats fucked up. Just saying. Certainly, I don’t want to go back to how it was 18 months ago, when you got three scripts a year, at best. And I certainly do remember a few scripts that appeared in the magazine that never made it to this site (Alien vs Predator being the first that springs to mind).
As a fan of this site, I do feel the right to comment on these pages; hey, if Rod didnt want feedback, he wouldn’t have added the comments section. Look back through the talkbacks; its the same twenty or so guys, everytime. These comments don’t actually get that much fedback, certainly not as much as, say, the talkbacks on AICN. The fanbase for this site, the ones that read scripts and bother their asses commenting on them seems to be quite small.
In summary;
: Love the site
: Glad Rods work is paying off
: Sorry to hear about inteference from outside sources
: Another lesson learned in movie politics
Thats it!
May 16th, 2008 at 2:25 amRyan - no, it wasn’t a reference to Jumper! Why would it be? That’s not the only film Samuel L Jackson has ever been in/will ever be in!
In essence, it was a plug for another movie. Whether that movie will be Iron Man 2: Featuring the Avengers or a different set of movies about the Avengers and featuring Downey’s Iron Man, I’m not sure. But Samuel L’s presence in Iron Man was nothing to do with Jumper. He wasn’t there as a Paladin. He was there as Nick Fury.
May 16th, 2008 at 3:58 am2010; Iron Man 2
2010; Thor
2011; Captain America: The First Avenger (Working Title)
2011; The Avengers
That’s marvel Studio’s Line up, as announced a few weeks back.
May 16th, 2008 at 4:37 amam i the only one who got completely tired of superhero movies right around X-3??
May 16th, 2008 at 5:16 amJoker - yeah, I saw that a few weeks back, on Geekologie. That’s why I don’t know whether the shoutout at the end of Iron Man means the Avengers are in Iron Man 2, or whether it’s a plug for the eventual Avengers movie.
In any case? It’s definitely not Jumper.
May 16th, 2008 at 6:11 amDon’t get me wrong, I liked this script and loved the movie. However, I like scripts better when they are about movies I didn’t like, like Cloverfield.
May 16th, 2008 at 7:04 amEven better than the “Translate” tool being so convenient and the way it was able to translate it into English with a middle eastern accent, was the fact that the terrorist in the video plainly says “Obidiah Stane”. Was he meant to be saying this in a foreign language before? I’m pretty sure that Stark would’ve noticed, in the middle of all the incomprehensible babble, the lead terrorist dropping the words “Obidiah Stane” into the speech.
May 16th, 2008 at 7:16 amI liked the movie a lot, but I also liked the script! Keep up the good work!
And you are right, the movie could use better villains and more action scenes, even as I thought Jeff Bridges’ character was hilarious and the action was great.
May 16th, 2008 at 11:57 amThe best part in the movie is when Jeff Bridges falls three miles and doesn’t die. Matter of fact, this happens several times throughout the film. One of the funniest comic-book movies ever because it’s so self aware and satirical of what makes these movie ludicrous.
May 16th, 2008 at 6:38 pm“I just think it’s wierd that Rod thinks its a GOOD THING that Total Film ALLOW HIM to post HIS scripts on HIS site. I think thats fucked up.”
That’s copyright for you!
May 16th, 2008 at 11:19 pmlol Damon , you are right about Jeff falling and not dying. And Jim, I don’t get it, what’s so bad about xmen 3. Yeah they screwed up the story line for the comics but i still enjoyed it and it didn’t bother me. Probably for the shear fact that I know only a little about the xmen. But still.
May 17th, 2008 at 4:30 pmWell i think John Favreau did an awesome job of bringin this icon to the big screen, specially when u compare it to the rest of the stinkin pile of crap dats been going around, Spiderman 3, X3, heck even Superman Returns (Batman the beginning excluded…that was the shite!…in a good way). N im really glad the movie paid off…both financially and critically (4stars is a heck of a rarity for Rod)
So its definetly harder to satirize a good movie, n i think Rod did a very commendable job here….loved the Lebowski ref, n u did a fine job of finding out faults for a movie thats to me was pretty close to perfect. Keep up the good work mate.
P.s. There’s always gonna be naysayers and cynics in every crowd, apart from sitting on their asses and criticizing others for their efforts, they hardly ever contribute anything concrete to society, so screw em! Ur doing a heck of a job maintaining and updating this site (a lot more)regularly (than u used to).
May 18th, 2008 at 12:09 pmEditin Rooms come a long way since 2001!
Thought this was a good movie, and didn’t take itself seriously, so I can see how it was harder to satire. I agree that the movies that aren’t as good usually are easier to make fun of.
But thanks Rod for doing this at all. It’s a nice fun distraction now and then.
May 18th, 2008 at 7:37 pmAnyone else wonder why there is an electro magnet in his chest rather than a regular magnet?
May 18th, 2008 at 7:59 pmYeah Ryan, I wonder about that one too. I also wonder why he needs an enormous powercell for that magnet. All the magnet has to do is keep a couple of small pieces of metal in place. A set of AA batteries should do the trick just fine. (Not to mention that over time the magnet would actually attract the metal, rather than keep it in place, but hey, who cares about realism.)
I also wonder why there is only one powercell without backup, and why he doesn’t keep an extra powercell in his pocket at all times, just in case. I wonder why the suit doesn’t have its own powersupply, rather than feeding of his. I wonder…. never mind, there are so many holes in this plot, I’d never finish this post if I had to list them all.
I didn’t think the movie was all that bad, but those small details get really annoying after a while.
May 19th, 2008 at 8:22 am“ROBERT flies into the air, and JEFF BRIDGES chases him. Suddenly, they fly too high and JEFF freezes, then plummets to the ground, probably landing on a house and killing the family inside.”
Glad I wasn’t the only one who thought of that during the final battle. Great movie and great parody though. Also, thanks for the Mandarin reference.
May 19th, 2008 at 9:20 am“Anyone else wonder why there is an electro magnet in his chest rather than a regular magnet?”
And anyone else notice the unexplained shift by which the device on his chest somehow went from just keeping the shrapnel from moving towards his heart (a very slow process, which would take days or months to kill him), to actually being what kept his heart working, meaning that he was almost dying when Stane took it away?
Hey, I loved the movie too, it’s hugely enjoyable, but I couldn’t help but notice this (and other) blatant plot holes. More fun could have been made of it!
May 19th, 2008 at 1:47 pmyeah, well thats like … your opinion, man.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:08 pmel_monty Says:
‘And anyone else notice the unexplained shift by which the device on his chest somehow went from just keeping the shrapnel from moving towards his heart (a very slow process, which would take days or months to kill him), to actually being what kept his heart working, meaning that he was almost dying when Stane took it away?’
By that time I’d pretty much given up on making sense of the whole magnet/heart thing. But you’re right. It was quite a change. Of course, if they hadn’t made this change, We’d have to wonder why they didn’t just remove the pieces of metal from his heart. If you can do open heart surgery in a cave and keep the subject alive, removing a couple of pieces of metal should be no problem for a good hospital
May 21st, 2008 at 8:04 amSince War Machine absolutely has to be in the sequel for whatever reason, I hope that means U.S. Agent has to be in “Captain America- The First Avenger” and Thunderstrike in “The Mighty Thor” and Mr. Fix-It in the “Incredible Hulk” sequel, and Scarlet Spider in “Spider-Man 4″ and so on…
Also, Jim Cramer does the best Jim Cramer impression I’ve ever seen.
May 21st, 2008 at 10:00 amIron Man originally fought Communists, not specifically Russians. In his original origin story Tony Stark was doing a tech-demo for the Army in the middle of the Vietnam War and was captured by the Viet Cong and forced to make weapons for them. Meatball-Surgeon meets Shade-tree Engineer and Voila, Iron Man is born.
Also, in the original comics Obidiah Stane was one of Tony’s Rivals and head of Stane International, a rival mega-corp to Stark Industries.
May 23rd, 2008 at 1:07 amBrilliant…thank you for this web site, I love it!
May 23rd, 2008 at 10:31 amComic book lore - the final pieces of shrapnel were inside Tony’s heart, so the electromagnet was required to keep them in place. I would assume that the reason they used an electromagnet was so that a circuit could be put in place - an electromagnet can just be a small line of metal with electricity going through it, whereas putting a magnet in would be basically like adding another big of crap into his heart along with the shrapnel. As to an operation to remove the shrapnel, in Tony’s origin story this couldn’t be done by the doctors of the time. In current Tony’s time, he has had a further operation to get rid of the shrapnel, and he now only uses the circular power source for his suit.
…I’m a dork.
May 23rd, 2008 at 5:19 pmAm I the only one who thought this movie was a ridiculous collage of mindless excuses for what passes for entertainment these days? Things that were so gay I couldn’t take the movie seriously:
1. Tony Stark hits the desert floor in a poorly built hydrolic-powered metal suit with rockets attached to it at what appears to be well over the speed limit of any U.S. highway and doesn’t get either slices to ribbons by the rusty metal or turned into a puddle of human flesh, presuming the suit could actually hold itself together after the crash (which it couldn’t).
2. Tony Stark appearantly has the ability to hit a cement wall wearing nothing but a t-shirt and jeans (and the pivotal rocket boots) at about a hundred miles an hour and just shake it off.
3. Tony Stark possesses A.I. dozens of years beyond anything imaginable by current human technology and, using his ONE ROOM BASEMENT, builds adaptions that allow the mechanics that just PUT THE SUIT ON to rise out of his floor.
4. Tony Stark’s computer can build the most advanced military weapon in the world in, what, five hours?
5. Appearantly the Iron Monger’s armor can’t put a dent in Iron Man’s suit when he’s squeezing with two arms, but as soon as Tony Stark takes the helmet off, Iron Monger CRUSHES it in one hand.
I CAN’T BE ALONE.
May 25th, 2008 at 6:16 pm[...] segnala una divertente parodia (scritta) di Iron Man. Un po’ sullo stesso genere di Stefano [...]
May 28th, 2008 at 10:50 pm….And sometimes Spider-Man.
Loved it.
May 29th, 2008 at 7:36 pmCody:
I noticed all those things as well and ignored them because I am a moron. ^_^
May 30th, 2008 at 11:24 amRod;
I am officially putting in a request for you to do The Strangers, as that movie totally sucked ass! It was so full of cliches and storytelling dead ends, it’s simply criminal that it got made!
May 30th, 2008 at 7:38 pmHey Rod, the movie had them fly up really high FIRST and then had Gweneth Paltrow hit the “kill jeff bridges” switch. Did you screw up the order on purpose? (that might mislead some people who haven’t seen the movie)
Also:
Well… she was concerned in the movie that the “magic switch” would kill Robert as well as Jeff so… I don’t see how that works at all. Not to mention that she did then go around, flip 2000 switches (which apparently takes about an hour) and push the button that ended the main menace once and for all.
Just saying that on these 2 points, your technically incorrect.
June 3rd, 2008 at 5:21 pmWhy didn’t you just say “I hate comic books”?
Besides, considering some of the stuff on What were they thinking? and Superdickery this movie was pretty realistic by comic standards.
Besides, it’s called Suspension of Disbelief.
June 3rd, 2008 at 5:26 pmCody-
1: He’s called “The Invincible Iron Man” for a reason. Part of any type of science fiction is presuming that technology can do things that we know it can’t. This is true in all science fiction. You should be used to it by now.
2: Same thing. In almost any case, people fall much further than they should be able to without taking as much damage.
3-4: This bugs me especially. One of the pretty cool parts of the movie is that they handle the technology aspects especially well. The whole reason why joe schmoe government type can’t build an Iron-man type suit is that they don’t have the technology of the arc reactor.
Science, historically, follows this trend. When the LASER was invented, a whole new science was created that made huge breakthroughs very quickly.
5: I wasn’t paying enough attention for this minor quibble.
I mean, movies never ever ever get the physics right. Maybe I notice this more because I’m a physicist. I guess that gives me lower expectations. *shrug* What’s really important is for a movie to follow its internal laws (Once a fact is established, the movie follows this through.)Iron man follows this suprisingly well.
May the wind be always at your back,
June 5th, 2008 at 11:53 pm-Wonton Burrito Meals
[...] They tend to be a bit long, but here’s an excerpt from Iron Man: [...]
June 6th, 2008 at 4:51 pmPart of any type of science fiction is presuming that technology can do things that we know it can’t.
Not really. It’s more about looking at what technology can already do and presuming that it can do it moreso.
June 7th, 2008 at 11:54 pm“What’s really important is for a movie to follow its internal laws (Once a fact is established, the movie follows this through.)Iron man follows this suprisingly well.”
- Wonton Burrito Meals
Except for number 5, eh? They established that Iron Monger’s best attempts couldn’t harm the suit, then… oh, wait, what’s this? He can effortlessly crush it like a soda can. Nevermind.
June 8th, 2008 at 1:44 pmSorry, double post…
WBM calls number five a “minor quibble” then goes on to say that getting stuff like that right is “what’s really important”.
So which is it? I’m guessing you just couldn’t come up with a counterpoint to that one so, rather than allow that Cody may have had a valid point or two, you just chose to ignore it after stressing how insignificant you thought it was.
June 8th, 2008 at 1:51 pmI so agree with this script. I didn’t like Ironman- I was bored for much of the movie and was annoyed by the lack of action in this so-called action movie. To me, it was a mesh of “yay America,” a giant Join the Army commercial, and “weapons are bad” as a sort-of moral. Tony Stark is an ass and not very interesting as a hero. The villain wasn’t a villain- I would have much preferred the Mandarin. It’s sad to know that people will proclaim any shitty film as a good movie nowadays. I shudder to see what they plan to do with the sequel.
June 11th, 2008 at 2:16 amrod, please make scripts for “lady in the water” and “the happening”.
June 15th, 2008 at 10:31 am[...] as “Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull“, “The Da Vinci Code“, “Iron Man” and other fabulous holywood turds that escaped being shelved against all logical reason [...]
June 19th, 2008 at 9:51 amHey Tana it’s fair enough if you didn’t like Iron Man, but that doesn’t mean you can lessen other peoples opinions just because they like it. That’s just wrong, and as for the villain you’ve got to realise that Iron Man didn’t focus as heavily on fighting villains as the rest of the marvels. That’s why he made his powers, to show a human side to being a superhero, instead of a superhuman trying to be normal in his alter ego, that’s why he revealed himself as a superhero at the end.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:04 pm[...] latest additions: - Iron Man - Sex and the City - [...]
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:30 pm[...] plan of writing a review of Iron Man gang aft agley’d, so instead, here’s a link to an abridged version of the script over at the Editing Room. This snarky parody reads like a Mad magazine [...]
July 1st, 2008 at 4:13 pmI’m gonna have to say F you on this one. Burger King is delicious.
July 26th, 2008 at 8:15 pmWait, so did you like it or not?
I understand satire but you honestly point out flaws (several of them) and then give the movie a four star rating which, for you guys is pretty high. Did you like it or not?
August 2nd, 2008 at 2:42 pm“I’m pretty sure that Jeff Bridges is trying to kill you. He said something about you pissing on his rug.”
Way to almost get me fired for laughing at work!
August 8th, 2008 at 1:58 pmObity Coyote for future references please list any multiple amount of details sowe know your not just spinning nachos.
August 8th, 2008 at 5:14 pmok I amknow just going tocondence my post by page.
@Dr.Fumg: The group was an obvious reference to the Mandarin if you caught that “The man whose ring I wear” comment
@Holden: Iron Monger wasn’t his fault he hadtomake the suit to escape Obity Like I said to the last guy please list all these ‘ceo villians” becuse Doom and Osborn used there ceo status as a replacemntfor the straight up freak accident super origin story
August 8th, 2008 at 5:28 pmhey Josh if they WERE middle eastern wouldnot it make MORE sensefor the accent to be middle eastern
August 8th, 2008 at 8:35 pmWhen i think about it Rod i believe yuo have been corrupted now that big media has made you there bitch it’s going to be hard to get a decent script but what the frick it is better than subscrbing.
August 8th, 2008 at 8:39 pmHahaha.
I liked this film but the dryness of this script made me chuckle.
‘Eventually he gets back to AMERICA, which makes everything instantly BETTER.’
LOL.
August 15th, 2008 at 2:58 pm