Iron Man: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on May 14th, 2008 | Movie Rating: 
FADE IN:
EXT. AFGHANISTAN
ROBERT DOWNEY JR. illustrates the usage of his new weapon to various military personnel.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
I’d like to thank you all for coming to see my new weapon. As you can see, it’s a giant missile that launches smaller missiles in the air, and each small missile drops copies of In Dreams and Gothika. It’s a truly devastating power.
TERRENCE HOWARD
It’s a good thing you came all the way out to the Middle East to show this weapon, rather than one of the many weapons testing grounds in the United States.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Wait.. we’re in the Middle East? In a Hollywood movie? Then that means… OH SHI–
SUDDENLY, a bunch of extraordinarily well-armed TERRORISTS blow all kinds of shit up and kidnap ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
GENERIC TERRORIST
I need you to build me a missile. Tell me what supplies you need and we will get them, then leave you alone to build whatever you want. Please don’t build anything to use against us.
He DOES. Robert builds a 60′S ROBOT HALLOWEEN COSTUME and then beats up some terrorists using it. Eventually he gets back to AMERICA, which instantly makes everything BETTER.
JEFF BRIDGES
Robert! Welcome back. As your partner and obvious eventual bad guy, I was extremely worried about you. Tell me what you used to escape and if we can sell it.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Later. First, I need a delicious, juicy, American hamburger! Failing that, one of Burger King’s tasteless, squashed heaps of grade D meat and soggy bread will do fine.
GWYNETH PALTROW
Hi Robert. I’m so glad you’re back to carry the movie. I haven’t been in a decent film in about 10 years and this one is my only hope.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Look at who you’re talking to. Anyway, let’s go to my press conference. If there’s one thing comic book fans love to see on film, it’s a good press conference.
INT. DOWNEY INDUSTRIES
REPORTER 1
Robert, is it true that your overdone portrayal of Tony Stark serves to do little more than make the parts of the movie with the titular hero boring by comparison?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Absolutely not, I keep Spiderman’s trademark wisecracking even while in the suit, allowing my incessantly sarcastic character to annoy audiences for the entire duration of the film. Next question.
REPORTER 2
Some people claim that Iron Man is just a shitty Marvel knockoff of DC’s iconic Batman. What do you have to say to them?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
That’s ludicrous. I actually AM the obnoxious douchebag character that Bruce Wayne pretends to be to throw people off. Totally different.
(pause)
Anyway, the point of this press conference is to say that my company will no longer make weapons. Starting immediately, all Downey Industry weapons will shoot out cute little flags that say “bang.”
INT. ROBERT DOWNEY JR’S MANSION
ROBERT begins working on a new ROBOT HALLOWEEN COSTUME.
GWYNETH PALTROW
Robert, your stock is plummeting and your board of directors wants you out.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Superheroes, press conferences, and now all of the excitement of corporate takeovers and stock market fluctuations? This movie has everything!
GWYNETH PALTROW
Everything except a villain.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Oh, who would you prefer I face off against? The Chinese guy with the ten magical rings?
GWYNETH PALTROW
Well no, but so far your biggest villain has been the host of Mad Money. Does Iron Man really suck this much?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
What about myself? As a Marvel character, I have flaws, so perhaps my real villain is my crippling alcoholism.
GWYNETH PALTROW
You mean the crippling alcoholism that in no way stopped you from becoming a genius billionaire inventor and so far has manifested itself in a single scene where you hold a drink without actually drinking it?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
That’s the one. Now get out of my way, I have to go to Afghanistan and fly around a bit to make it seem like this movie has an action sequence.
He DOES. Eventually he saves some villagers from the GENERIC TERRORISTS that captured him earlier, then flies away.
Meanwhile, JEFF BRIDGES uses the pieces of ROBERT’S OLD 60′S ROBOT COSTUME to build an EXTRA HUGE 60′S ROBOT COSTUME of his own.
GWYNETH PALTROW
Robert, I’m pretty sure that Jeff Bridges is trying to kill you. He said something about you pissing on his rug.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
I see no option other than allowing this movie to degrade into a clichéd comic book confrontation between two super powerful monsters battling through the city.
ROBERT flies to DOWNY INDUSTRIES to confront JEFF BRIDGES.
JEFF BRIDGES
I am all-powerful now, Robert! Nobody can stop me! Not even the guy who invented the weapon I’m using!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Gwyneth! Flip the ‘Kill Jeff Bridges’ switch!
GWYNETH PALTROW
I can’t! Despite being strong, smart, and capable for the duration of the film, I’ve suddenly transformed into a scared little damsel in distress, incapable of even the slightest gesture that could help you!
ROBERT flies into the air, and JEFF BRIDGES chases him. Suddenly, they fly too high and JEFF freezes, then plummets to the ground, probably landing on a house and killing the family inside.
JEFF BRIDGES
Did you just kill me with science? What is this shit, the Fantastic Four?
(dies)
GWYNETH PALTROW
You did it, Robert! The world has been saved from the dangerous weapon that you built in the first place!
TERRENCE HOWARD
And I’m still in the movie, everyone!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Let’s celebrate with a drink! Just kidding of course, alcoholism is a totally manageable disease.
END
ROBERT enters his mansion only to discover SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Hello Robert. I’m the director of SHIELD, I want to talk to you about the Avengers project. It’s a superhero team consisting of Captain America, Thor, you, and a bunch of people that nobody gives a flying fuck about at all. And sometimes Spider-man.
END FOR REALS
[...] They tend to be a bit long, but here’s an excerpt from Iron Man: [...]
June 6th, 2008 at 4:51 pmPart of any type of science fiction is presuming that technology can do things that we know it can’t.
Not really. It’s more about looking at what technology can already do and presuming that it can do it moreso.
June 7th, 2008 at 11:54 pm“What’s really important is for a movie to follow its internal laws (Once a fact is established, the movie follows this through.)Iron man follows this suprisingly well.”
- Wonton Burrito Meals
Except for number 5, eh? They established that Iron Monger’s best attempts couldn’t harm the suit, then… oh, wait, what’s this? He can effortlessly crush it like a soda can. Nevermind.
June 8th, 2008 at 1:44 pmSorry, double post…
WBM calls number five a “minor quibble” then goes on to say that getting stuff like that right is “what’s really important”.
So which is it? I’m guessing you just couldn’t come up with a counterpoint to that one so, rather than allow that Cody may have had a valid point or two, you just chose to ignore it after stressing how insignificant you thought it was.
June 8th, 2008 at 1:51 pmI so agree with this script. I didn’t like Ironman- I was bored for much of the movie and was annoyed by the lack of action in this so-called action movie. To me, it was a mesh of “yay America,” a giant Join the Army commercial, and “weapons are bad” as a sort-of moral. Tony Stark is an ass and not very interesting as a hero. The villain wasn’t a villain- I would have much preferred the Mandarin. It’s sad to know that people will proclaim any shitty film as a good movie nowadays. I shudder to see what they plan to do with the sequel.
June 11th, 2008 at 2:16 amrod, please make scripts for “lady in the water” and “the happening”.
June 15th, 2008 at 10:31 am[...] as “Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull“, “The Da Vinci Code“, “Iron Man” and other fabulous holywood turds that escaped being shelved against all logical reason [...]
June 19th, 2008 at 9:51 amHey Tana it’s fair enough if you didn’t like Iron Man, but that doesn’t mean you can lessen other peoples opinions just because they like it. That’s just wrong, and as for the villain you’ve got to realise that Iron Man didn’t focus as heavily on fighting villains as the rest of the marvels. That’s why he made his powers, to show a human side to being a superhero, instead of a superhuman trying to be normal in his alter ego, that’s why he revealed himself as a superhero at the end.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:04 pm[...] latest additions: - Iron Man - Sex and the City - [...]
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:30 pm[...] plan of writing a review of Iron Man gang aft agley’d, so instead, here’s a link to an abridged version of the script over at the Editing Room. This snarky parody reads like a Mad magazine [...]
July 1st, 2008 at 4:13 pm