Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Jun 17th, 2008 | Movie Rating: 
Shia comes face-to-face with his career in 10 years.
FADE IN:
EXT. NEVADA DESERT
PRODUCER FRANK MARSHALL immediately proves his commitment to using CGI “only when necessary” by featuring completely necessary CGI prairie dogs in the first shot of the movie.
A bunch of cars drive through the DESERT to AREA 51. HARRISON FORD’S SHADOW, then HARRISON FORD’S SHOE, then HARRISON FORD’S ARM, then HARRISON FORD’S HAT and finally HARRISON FUCKING FORD are eventually revealed.
HARRISON FORD
Alright folks, let’s get this show on the road. I want to make it to Country Buffet by four.
CATE BLANCHETT
Pryvet, Harrison. I am evil Soviet. You vill help me find Moose and Squirrel, yes?
HARRISON FORD
Holy Christ, you’re not going to talk like that the whole movie are you?
CATE BLANCHETT
Da. You vill help locate MacKuffin now.
HARRISON FORD
Fine. The thing you’re looking for is super magnetic, so if we just throw this gunpowder into the air it will lead us to the MacGuffin.
RAY WINSTONE
Nineteen years to write this movie and that’s how it’s going to start? Really? I think I’m going to write myself out of this movie as much as possible by revealing myself to be a double agent.
RAY turns on HARRISON. CATE escapes with the MACGUFFIN and HARRISON gets away, only to find himself in the middle of a NUCLEAR TEST SITE that is apparently located within walking distance of AREA 51.
HARRISON FORD
Holy shit, a nuclear bomb! I’ll hide in this lead-lined fridge to protect myself from the radiation that will permeate the area shortly after the ten-million degree heat generated by the blast is done obliterating every single object in a 5 mile radius!
Somehow, this WORKS. HARRISON FORD emerges from the fridge with his face covered in black soot, holding a sign that reads “ouch.”
INT. MARSHALL COLLEGE
HARRISON teaches his film class entitled “How To Ruin Millions Of Childhoods In 2 Hours” when he is interrupted by the DEAN, JIM BROADBENT.
JIM BROADBENT
Sorry Harrison, I have to let you go. The government thinks you might be a Soviet. Apparently someone rented “K-19: The Widowmaker” and panicked.
HARRISON FORD
Bullshit, nobody saw that movie.
HARRISON packs up props from the prior films, but is interrupted by SHIA LABEOUF.
SHIA LABEOUF
Hey, my mother and John Hurt have been kidnapped. My mom said you’d help me because every great adventure film needs an insufferable douchebag sidekick.
HARRISON FORD
Your mom knew me? Well it seems painfully obvious that you’re going to turn out to be my son, then.
SHIA LABEOUF
And yet, that’s going to be mentioned later in the movie as though it’s some kind of shocking revelation.
Suddenly, more CARTOONY SOVIETS show up and try to kidnap SHIA and HARRISON.
SHIA LABEOUF
Shit, they have guns. What do we do?
HARRISON FORD
Just wait until the movie gets re-released in a few years and they’ll be replaced with walkie-talkies.
SHIA and HARRISON escape on a motorcycle. Crazy stunts are performed in order to evade the SOVIETS.
SHIA LABEOUF
Are we really expecting audiences to put up with this? We’re violating like ten thousand laws of physics here.
HARRISON FORD
Are you joking, kid? That makes this the most realistic action scene in the movie.
EXT. SOUTH AMERICA
SHIA and HARRISON go to SOUTH AMERICA to look for the next CLUE. SHIA flips his knife around in his hand trying to look badass, but actually grabs it by the blade. Twice. Seriously.
HARRISON FORD
Alright, the walkthrough for the movie says that our next clue is in a spooky graveyard. We should probably save our game here.
SHIA LABEOUF
Pick up MAP. Use MAP on HARRISON FORD. Walk To TOMB.
They travel to an underground tomb and find a CRYSTAL MACGUFFIN using its super-powerful magnetic properties.
SHIA LABEOUF
That crystal skull looks like an alien head. And the Soviets were looking for an alien corpse stored in Area 51. Golly, there sure is a lot of alien stuff.
HARRISON FORD
If you’re trying to mentally ready the audience for the ending, don’t bother. I’ve read through the script, nothing can prepare moviegoers for what happens at the end.
Suddenly, SOVIETS show up and kidnap SHIA and HARRISON. They bring them back to their camp, where HARRISON finds JOHN HURT and KAREN ALLEN. CATE BLANCHETT embarrasses herself some more and eventually they all travel into the AMAZON FOREST.
HARRISON FORD
What are we doing in the Amazon?
KAREN ALLEN
Cate wants to return the Crystal MacGuffin to the ancient City of Gold.
HARRISON FORD
City of Gold? Isn’t that what Nicolas Cage was looking for in National Treasure 2? Are we seriously getting the plot for our shitty sequel to Indiana Jones by ripping off the plot of a shitty sequel to a shitty knock-off of Indiana Jones? I feel like that should unravel the space-time continuum or something.
A caravan of vehicles, led by a giant tree-cutting machine, travels deep into the AMAZON FOREST. HARRISON uses a CHEAT CODE to spawn a ROCKET LAUNCHER, then uses it to blow up the tree-cutting machine.
SHIA LABEOUF
I’m pretty sure the audience came here to see more Shia LaBeouf, so I’m going to fence Cate Blanchett in front of an obvious green screen.
HARRISON FORD
Wait, what are they chasing us through? Are there roads in the middle of the jungle? Why the hell did we bother showing that tree-cutting thing if we were just going to contradict the very thing it was trying to establish?
KAREN ALLEN
That’s what’s so great about this movie - we can just do whatever the hell we want, because even glaringly obvious flaws like that are dwarfed by the sheer magnitude of failure that is the rest of the movie.
To illustrate this, SHIA LEBEOUF flies up into the FUCKING JUNGLE and swings like FUCKING TARZAN along the FUCKING VINES with a FUCKING ARMY of CGI FUCKING MONKEYS. That actually FUCKING HAPPENS.
Everyone eventually winds up in the CITY OF GOLD.
INT. CITY OF GOLD
HARRISON solves a few simple puzzles and gains access to the CITY. Some natives show up and attack, but are quickly dispatched, making the AUDIENCE wonder why they were introduced at all.
HARRISON FORD
Alright, the aliens or whatever want me to return the crystal to some ridiculous alien throne room.
CATE BLANCHETT
Not zo fast. I vill return skull instead.
HARRISON FORD
Shouldn’t it have been taken as an indicator of a writing problem when the good guy and the bad guy in a movie have the exact same goal?
CATE takes the skull and places it on a THRONE. It then turns into an ACTUAL ALIEN and makes her head explode. The ALIENS pile into a GIANT UFO and fly off into SPACE.
HARRISON FORD
Wow. Considering that the first movie revolved around a magical box made by God that melts faces when opened, it’s really astonishing that this movie managed to be so incredibly stupid by comparison.
JOHN HURT
I can’t believe that the crystal skull wanted you to return it to the city just so that aliens could have blown your head up. Those aliens are total assholes.
SHIA LABEOUF
Seriously, what kind of jerks would intentionally trick people into thinking they were going to get something awesome, but then give them something so awful it makes their brains melt instead?
GEORGE LUCAS AND STEVEN SPIELBERG
Rich jerks! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
END
Oh, I forgot to add, not only was it suggested Blanchett’s character was psychic, but I believe they implied that she had some telekinetic or telelectric ability - I could be wrong, but it looks like they wanted us to believe she unlocks and opens the warehouse door with her mind.
Which never comes up again.
And this advanced psychic scholar doesn’t recognize automatic writing when she sees it? Heck, it was painfully obvious to my godson, and he’s a) 14, and b) never studied the paranormal. Just weak.
Sigh.
June 21st, 2008 at 12:25 amI completely agree with spacesheik.
* No plot without any logical connection
* How can Indy survive from an atomic attack?, the three river falls?
* No strong characters in this movie
* The monkey ride (what the hell is that?), the ants (nonsense!)
This movie is just an absolute collection of nonsense, a complete catastrophe, a full zero!
June 21st, 2008 at 12:34 amUnlike the first Indy, the whole thing looked like it was shot on greenscreen. There wasn’t a jungle, or waterfalls, or big alien ruins, or even the big warehouse and nuked-model-city. CGI monkeys? What about the CGI extras? It failed to help me suspend disbelief from the start.
In an adventure movie, the adventure is supposed to change the adventurers, to have an effect on their lives and worldview and maybe even their character. Nothing. Excuse the expression in this context, but it was arcless. Surviving a nuclear test and discovering he had a son didn’t really affect Dr. Jones at all.
Just a thought, but wouldn’t the movie have been improved if Jones was fighting radiation sickness through the rest of the adventure?
I believed there was room for beloved characters to have grown and changed in the decades since we saw them last, as we all have grown and changed. Twenty years does more than add inches to your waist, it changes the kinds of risks you seek, the scope of your dreams, the kind of life you’ve been able to live vs. the life you thought you’d live. This Indy was 5 minutes more experienced, mature, and worldly than the last one. Where was his current girlfriend? Or the wife who’d left him? His drinking or drug addiction? The disease that haunted him from all those years of traveling the back end of the world? The bad habit or obsession that had filled his time in the intervening years? The scandal with the young co-ed? Give the new Jones something to work out along the way.
And that’s just Indy. The director gave us Shia as a kid who wears rebellion as fashion. Why not give us a really messed up youth, someone with real character notes? Exploring his attraction to men? Working out lack-of-daddy issues by bullying? Being absorbed in religion?
The Young Indiana Jones gave a great backstory of Jones’ early era and times; the movie could easily have built on any of the historical figures Indy knew. It would have been nice to solve an historic mystery, instead of inventing a mystery.
While I wanted 4 to have some fidelity to the Indy canon, that’s all we got. Nods were nicely given to previous bad guys, government bureaucrats, the warehouse, snakes, whips, hat, truck-hijinx, etc. Thanks. However there were few iconic moments (the nuke? the monkeys?), not one line worth quoting, no new memorable characters.
If done well, Lucas/Spielberg could have set us up for a new trilogy. As it is, they’ve burned the franchise for a generation.
June 21st, 2008 at 1:42 am[...] Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room Funny synopsis of “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.” (tags: indianajones kingdomofthecrystalskull humor) [...]
June 21st, 2008 at 3:30 amI agree with Chad, spacesheik, etc.
Temple of Doom is a classic.
1) Dark plot and story suits its title.
2) The McGuffin, although supernatural, never detracts from the motives of the characters.
3) Comedic timing - cheesy as it is, many of the gags WORKED. Indy’s fight with the swordsmen, a gag used to good effect in Star Wars, yet, timing.
4) REAL CREEPY CRAWLIES - yes, no CGI bugs crawling around. IF that didn’t make you shuffle in your seat and cringe a bit.
5) REAL MENACING VILLAIN - Mola Ram is as evil as they come, appearance, motive, etc.
6) Hokey special effects that didn’t detract from the tale.
7) THE MINE CAR CHASE - they used models, shot it in stop motion, but it works. We can FEEL the love of the craft that the model makers used, and the effort gone into making it enjoyable.
8) MOTIVE - there was a real peril in TOD and a motive to save the children, “we’re getting out of here, ALL of us”.
9) The stunts - We felt every punch, grimaced when Indy got hit (especially when fighting Pat Roach as the big Indian guy), and rejoiced at his triumphs.
All the elements worked. Sure the story was hokey, but damn, it was classic movie making and had all the hallmarks of a fun ride.
June 21st, 2008 at 5:47 am[...] this abridged script of the 4th Jones movie -totally [...]
June 21st, 2008 at 7:06 amIndy IV got off light. You could have gone on for another ten scenes ripping this sad excuse for a sequel apart. I detest this goddamn movie.
June 21st, 2008 at 8:18 amAnd I also agree Temple of Doom is vastly superior. Think of all the fantastic banter and thrilling scenes in it. The opening. The shrinking dungeon. The mine cart chase. The bridge scene. Even the flirtatious scene between Indy and Willie “you’ll be back here in five minutes!” Temple of Doom is ten times the film Crystal Skull thinks it is. No comparison.
June 21st, 2008 at 8:21 am90% of the people seem to agree about the major flaws of IJATKOTCS. Makes ya wonder if Spielberg/Lucas ever check these boards to see what the real folks think of their work. Doubtful. Seems they have one bottomline and one bottomline only: The flick made money = people were entertained = we are gods. Lucas has gone off the deep end a long time ago. But Spielberg?! What happened to the man who brought us Jaws, Raiders, E.T.!! His mantra has changed from “let me tell you this great story” to “how can I entertain the audience” to “how can I make the most money on opening weekend”. Time to look to other filmmakers to deliver the goods, I guess. All hail McG!!!
June 21st, 2008 at 8:26 am[...] importância da imaginação (discurso de J.K.Rowling aos alunos de Harvard); e a versão resumida do guião do último Indiana Jones, escrita por quem detestou o filme. Classificado como escrita, J.K. Rowling, recursos, sabatina e [...]
June 21st, 2008 at 9:14 am