Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Jun 17th, 2008 | Movie Rating: 
Shia comes face-to-face with his career in 10 years.
FADE IN:
EXT. NEVADA DESERT
PRODUCER FRANK MARSHALL immediately proves his commitment to using CGI “only when necessary” by featuring completely necessary CGI prairie dogs in the first shot of the movie.
A bunch of cars drive through the DESERT to AREA 51. HARRISON FORD’S SHADOW, then HARRISON FORD’S SHOE, then HARRISON FORD’S ARM, then HARRISON FORD’S HAT and finally HARRISON FUCKING FORD are eventually revealed.
HARRISON FORD
Alright folks, let’s get this show on the road. I want to make it to Country Buffet by four.
CATE BLANCHETT
Pryvet, Harrison. I am evil Soviet. You vill help me find Moose and Squirrel, yes?
HARRISON FORD
Holy Christ, you’re not going to talk like that the whole movie are you?
CATE BLANCHETT
Da. You vill help locate MacKuffin now.
HARRISON FORD
Fine. The thing you’re looking for is super magnetic, so if we just throw this gunpowder into the air it will lead us to the MacGuffin.
RAY WINSTONE
Nineteen years to write this movie and that’s how it’s going to start? Really? I think I’m going to write myself out of this movie as much as possible by revealing myself to be a double agent.
RAY turns on HARRISON. CATE escapes with the MACGUFFIN and HARRISON gets away, only to find himself in the middle of a NUCLEAR TEST SITE that is apparently located within walking distance of AREA 51.
HARRISON FORD
Holy shit, a nuclear bomb! I’ll hide in this lead-lined fridge to protect myself from the radiation that will permeate the area shortly after the ten-million degree heat generated by the blast is done obliterating every single object in a 5 mile radius!
Somehow, this WORKS. HARRISON FORD emerges from the fridge with his face covered in black soot, holding a sign that reads “ouch.”
INT. MARSHALL COLLEGE
HARRISON teaches his film class entitled “How To Ruin Millions Of Childhoods In 2 Hours” when he is interrupted by the DEAN, JIM BROADBENT.
JIM BROADBENT
Sorry Harrison, I have to let you go. The government thinks you might be a Soviet. Apparently someone rented “K-19: The Widowmaker” and panicked.
HARRISON FORD
Bullshit, nobody saw that movie.
HARRISON packs up props from the prior films, but is interrupted by SHIA LABEOUF.
SHIA LABEOUF
Hey, my mother and John Hurt have been kidnapped. My mom said you’d help me because every great adventure film needs an insufferable douchebag sidekick.
HARRISON FORD
Your mom knew me? Well it seems painfully obvious that you’re going to turn out to be my son, then.
SHIA LABEOUF
And yet, that’s going to be mentioned later in the movie as though it’s some kind of shocking revelation.
Suddenly, more CARTOONY SOVIETS show up and try to kidnap SHIA and HARRISON.
SHIA LABEOUF
Shit, they have guns. What do we do?
HARRISON FORD
Just wait until the movie gets re-released in a few years and they’ll be replaced with walkie-talkies.
SHIA and HARRISON escape on a motorcycle. Crazy stunts are performed in order to evade the SOVIETS.
SHIA LABEOUF
Are we really expecting audiences to put up with this? We’re violating like ten thousand laws of physics here.
HARRISON FORD
Are you joking, kid? That makes this the most realistic action scene in the movie.
EXT. SOUTH AMERICA
SHIA and HARRISON go to SOUTH AMERICA to look for the next CLUE. SHIA flips his knife around in his hand trying to look badass, but actually grabs it by the blade. Twice. Seriously.
HARRISON FORD
Alright, the walkthrough for the movie says that our next clue is in a spooky graveyard. We should probably save our game here.
SHIA LABEOUF
Pick up MAP. Use MAP on HARRISON FORD. Walk To TOMB.
They travel to an underground tomb and find a CRYSTAL MACGUFFIN using its super-powerful magnetic properties.
SHIA LABEOUF
That crystal skull looks like an alien head. And the Soviets were looking for an alien corpse stored in Area 51. Golly, there sure is a lot of alien stuff.
HARRISON FORD
If you’re trying to mentally ready the audience for the ending, don’t bother. I’ve read through the script, nothing can prepare moviegoers for what happens at the end.
Suddenly, SOVIETS show up and kidnap SHIA and HARRISON. They bring them back to their camp, where HARRISON finds JOHN HURT and KAREN ALLEN. CATE BLANCHETT embarrasses herself some more and eventually they all travel into the AMAZON FOREST.
HARRISON FORD
What are we doing in the Amazon?
KAREN ALLEN
Cate wants to return the Crystal MacGuffin to the ancient City of Gold.
HARRISON FORD
City of Gold? Isn’t that what Nicolas Cage was looking for in National Treasure 2? Are we seriously getting the plot for our shitty sequel to Indiana Jones by ripping off the plot of a shitty sequel to a shitty knock-off of Indiana Jones? I feel like that should unravel the space-time continuum or something.
A caravan of vehicles, led by a giant tree-cutting machine, travels deep into the AMAZON FOREST. HARRISON uses a CHEAT CODE to spawn a ROCKET LAUNCHER, then uses it to blow up the tree-cutting machine.
SHIA LABEOUF
I’m pretty sure the audience came here to see more Shia LaBeouf, so I’m going to fence Cate Blanchett in front of an obvious green screen.
HARRISON FORD
Wait, what are they chasing us through? Are there roads in the middle of the jungle? Why the hell did we bother showing that tree-cutting thing if we were just going to contradict the very thing it was trying to establish?
KAREN ALLEN
That’s what’s so great about this movie - we can just do whatever the hell we want, because even glaringly obvious flaws like that are dwarfed by the sheer magnitude of failure that is the rest of the movie.
To illustrate this, SHIA LEBEOUF flies up into the FUCKING JUNGLE and swings like FUCKING TARZAN along the FUCKING VINES with a FUCKING ARMY of CGI FUCKING MONKEYS. That actually FUCKING HAPPENS.
Everyone eventually winds up in the CITY OF GOLD.
INT. CITY OF GOLD
HARRISON solves a few simple puzzles and gains access to the CITY. Some natives show up and attack, but are quickly dispatched, making the AUDIENCE wonder why they were introduced at all.
HARRISON FORD
Alright, the aliens or whatever want me to return the crystal to some ridiculous alien throne room.
CATE BLANCHETT
Not zo fast. I vill return skull instead.
HARRISON FORD
Shouldn’t it have been taken as an indicator of a writing problem when the good guy and the bad guy in a movie have the exact same goal?
CATE takes the skull and places it on a THRONE. It then turns into an ACTUAL ALIEN and makes her head explode. The ALIENS pile into a GIANT UFO and fly off into SPACE.
HARRISON FORD
Wow. Considering that the first movie revolved around a magical box made by God that melts faces when opened, it’s really astonishing that this movie managed to be so incredibly stupid by comparison.
JOHN HURT
I can’t believe that the crystal skull wanted you to return it to the city just so that aliens could have blown your head up. Those aliens are total assholes.
SHIA LABEOUF
Seriously, what kind of jerks would intentionally trick people into thinking they were going to get something awesome, but then give them something so awful it makes their brains melt instead?
GEORGE LUCAS AND STEVEN SPIELBERG
Rich jerks! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
END
The more the movie fails, the more the script wins.
And firsties.
June 17th, 2008 at 11:59 amI haven’t seen it and thanks to this now I don’t have to. I’m glad someone else out there hates crappy cgi.
June 17th, 2008 at 12:05 pm“Use map on Harrison” Ha ha man! I really did hate those stupid CGI animals, it totally worsened the movie. And what the hell was up with the beginning scene with that horrible elvis song? Yeah, we know it’s the 50’s. It was so pointless.
June 17th, 2008 at 12:19 pmOh God, please don’t let people start saying ‘first’ here as well.
Great script.
June 17th, 2008 at 12:25 pmdear god, the more I think about this movie, the more stupid it becomes. I try not to think about it, but c’mon! Who the hell shoots a double-sided dart (because they so obviously exist)?? seriously, the only (absolutely only) thing in this movie that felt like Indiana Jones was Indy getting pulled into the cars by the russians, and then fighting his way to the other side of the car onto shia’s bike. Everything else is like vomit and candles mixed together.
June 17th, 2008 at 12:31 pmI was expecting an Ewoks joke with the monkeys. Because the first thing I thought of after the entire scene with monkeys was “George Lucas and his fucking Ewoks!”
June 17th, 2008 at 12:32 pm“City of Gold? Isn’t that what Nicolas Cage was looking for in National Treasure 2? Are we seriously getting the plot for our shitty sequel to Indiana Jones by ripping off the plot of a shitty sequel to a shitty knock-off of Indiana Jones?”
Seriously. WTF was with the treasure from all the various civilations? How did that get there?
I really, really wanted to like this movie. I was willing to just accept it on its terms and let it happen to me, but when it turned out to be a non-stop stinking pile of shit, I just couldn’t enjoy it on any level.
June 17th, 2008 at 1:14 pmI am SO going to have to see this movie now!
Who knew it was going to be a comedy?
June 17th, 2008 at 1:24 pmTo be honest the only way I think movie sequels can be good these days is if they change the director and in this case the writer, with the exception being X men 3 and Jurassic Park 3. Spiderman 3 was shit, the Star Wars prequels were shit, Fantastic Four 2 was worse than the first one as impossible as that seems.
June 17th, 2008 at 1:24 pmTo be honest I think in this case George Lucas’ ability to fuck up every movie he’s involved in seems to have passed on to Spielberg. Fuck it’s spreading, first Lucas, then Raimi, now Spielberg.
Sorry, Rodster- you obviously DIDN’T GET IT! Those weren’t ALIENS!! They were interdimensional beings from the space between spaces!!! The Spielberger rewrote modern mythology saying that what we thought were extraterrestrials all these years were actually beings from another dimension. BLOWS your mind, don’t it? Watch the movie again, keeping in mind that very premise and it’ll ALL make sense. For example… Yes, the monkeys looked fake- that’s BECAUSE they WEREN’T MEANT TO BE REAL!! The not-alien-but-interdimensional-in-origin crystal skull manifested those monkeys (and the bugs for that matter) to assist the good guys in their plight against evil. Remember the skull had great powers?? You really think all it could do is attract metallic objects? No, SIR! It was helping Indy all along — which is why he survived the nuke, the triple tumble down the raging waterfall, and the cliff dive (that car catching rubber tree– you’ve guessed it!!). I expect a full retraction!!
June 17th, 2008 at 1:28 pmAwesome script, but why no mention of the ridiculous ant scene? I like how they’re supposed to be super deadly but when Blanchett gets bitten by one she basically just goes “ow” and moves on.
June 17th, 2008 at 1:47 pmMy disgust captured in solid form. Excellent script.
June 17th, 2008 at 1:57 pm1st friggin shot of the movie is a cgi prairie dog… and after the nuke there’s more prairie dogs, and then monkeys… U know 100% that must have been George Lucas’ idea with the friggen cute furry animals. Ewoks ruined ROTJ, Jar Jar, although not furry, ruined Phantom Menace, and now these things ruined this (among all the other problems mentioned). They killed a classic trilogy. Just coz this movie exists, the others suffer. I wish I could un-see Indy 4 and just remember the good ol classic trilogy.
June 17th, 2008 at 1:58 pmI went into the movie with severely low expectations, and the movie certainly delivered on that, so I actually had a pretty good time watching it, even though it was clearly terrible, and I certainly would never want to see it again. The only part that *really* upset me about it was them surviving THREE huge waterfall drops. I mean, come on - he’s not Superman. Each of those drops was, like, many stories tall.
Spot on with the National Treasure 2 thing. I kept hoping that they’d be running through a tunnel and run smack into Nicolas Cage & co, on a different quest through the same underground area, look at each other in bewilderment for a second, and then continue on their separate ways.
I’m counting on SOMEBODY splicing together the movies on youtube, once the DVD of this comes out, to make that a reality.
June 17th, 2008 at 2:01 pmFuck the haters, I enjoyed this movie. It had its problems, but was much better than Temple of Doom at least. Face it, if anyone’s childhood memories are so sensitive that a harmless movie like this could seriously tarnish them, then you all are much too neurotic and cynical to deserve precious childhood memories in the first place.
June 17th, 2008 at 3:01 pmWhy does George Lucas have to suck the magic out of everything? First he turns the Force into some kind of blood disorder and now an Indiana Jones movie that ends with fucking aliens.
June 17th, 2008 at 3:14 pmLoved the interactive fiction references. Did you by chance ever play Zork or Adventure? Some references to those would be highly amusing.
June 17th, 2008 at 3:19 pmMy point exactly Benzo, George Lucas just isn’t a film maker but just because he has cash believes he is. After all when he came up with the original trilogy, other directors and producers helped him, with the prequels I think Lucas just got big headed and said to everyone while holding up a big wad of cash, ‘I’ve got the most money, I don’t need anyone elses advice. Now I have an idea for an amphibian thing that will be even better than the ewoks that everyone loved.’ Seriously I think Lucas should just retire and hole up somewhere instead of fucking up classic movie franchises, I mean he’s easily got enough money.
June 17th, 2008 at 3:24 pmHa Ha, brilliant script and well worth the anticipation of waiting. This movie is terrible, especially the “Nuke the Fridge” scene which gave birth to an alternate jump the shark term for movies.
June 17th, 2008 at 3:30 pmDid you know that in the first draft of the script for Back to the Future, Marty was going to get back to the future in a lead-lined refrigator as a nuclear bomb test provided the energy to the time machine?
June 17th, 2008 at 4:35 pmI was laughing my fucking ass off after the first few lines about the cgi prairie dogs and the Rocky and Bullwinkle reference. Great script man.
June 17th, 2008 at 4:47 pmHeh, I noticed that too, Ryan. At that point I thought “So they’re stealing ideas from themselves, now?” Nice that they included the line “Those things are death traps” to keep with their original reason for not using the concept in Back to the Future. By “nice” I mean “not worth the awkwardly-filmed effort to get Indy standing in front of a mushroom cloud.”
Benzo/Spellmage: Lucas’ narcissism comes from the days of THX-1138 and American Graffiti, and even the days leading up to Star Wars’ release. After being the sole architect of American Zoetrope’s downfall, nobody believed in him. He would show early cuts of Star Wars to his friends, and save for Spielberg, their response was “I don’t get it, George.”
My theory is that when Star Wars made bank, Lucas decided that he would do whatever the fuck he wanted, no matter how ridiculous, to cheese off those who held him down in the past. These long years have turned him bitter and angry, to the point where he says yes to every one of his own ideas (simply because he is able to) and where his cynicism comes out in his projects, examples being all religious backgrounds turned into scientific explanations (The Force evolved to Medichlorians, Ark of the Covenant/Mystical Stones of Shiva/Holy Grail evolved to Interdimensional Beings with Magnetic Skulls).
Honestly, though, all I blame Lucas for is the rejection of Frank Darabont’s draft, and even then, it’s only theorhetical. Most of the blame for this eye-igniting entry to the Indiana Jones franchise goes to David Koepp, who couldn’t write his way out of balls. All he had to do was stitch together a compelling journey from action scene to action scene with cool traps and some witty banter, and he failed miserably. I paid nine bucks for one good snake joke. Fuck the bozo. I want his head.
June 17th, 2008 at 4:59 pmNumerous flaws, and far more Lucas than Spielberg, but still fun. I was only truly disappointed by the CGI monkeys, because I was hoping Mutt was going to develop a fear of monkeys the way his pop has a fear of snakes, and grandpa has a fear of rats. It didn’t happen. The monkeys became his silent allies in an awful, arbitrary cartoon bit.
Rod Hilton is tremendously insightful and original, as always.
June 17th, 2008 at 5:28 pmI had no problem with the aliens… but then I was kinda ready for it, seeing as how it’s been rumoured as a plot point for YEARS (one draft was called Indiana Jones and the Saucermen from Mars). It was no dumber than that really old knight in The Last Crusade.
The whole jungle section though; that shit makes NO SENSE. One minute, the russians are chasing Indy, the next, they start absailing down the cliff, despite not having the skull, and not knowing where they’re going.
And my biggest problem;
HE ONLY USES HIS WHIP TWICE, IN THE FIRST TEN FUCKING MINUTES.
And he only gets called “Indiana” or “Indy” about four times.
June 17th, 2008 at 5:30 pmI still liked this movie as it was better than Die Hard for the simple fact that it still had an Indy touch for me. What about you Rod? This or Die Hard 4?
June 17th, 2008 at 5:47 pmYour script was, unfortunately, dead-on and flawless.
“Unfortunately” because you illustrated perfectly why George Lucas needs a lobotomy.
Marry me, dammit.
June 17th, 2008 at 6:34 pm“Harrison Ford emerges from the fridge with his face covered in black soot, holding a sign that reads ‘ouch’.”
BAM!
Way to hit that nail right on the head with the Wile E. Coyote, Looney Toons reference, Rod! Out of all the Indy movies, this was the most unbelievable, cartoon-like one ever! And I LOVE Raiders and Temple of Doom(not so much Last Crusade). Lucas and Spielberg have changed Indiana Jones from a semi-believable tough guy who does what he has to do, into a fucking cartoon character.
Easily the best script you’ve done in recent memory, and a hell of a great read. Well done, Rod. Bravo!
June 17th, 2008 at 7:17 pmRod: Funny as usual, just a question. While i read it i detected quite a bit of anger in your writing i didn´t catch in other scripts, is it my imagination?
June 17th, 2008 at 8:06 pmHonestly, though, all I blame Lucas for is the rejection of Frank Darabont’s draft, and even then, it’s only theorhetical.
Oh, I think I heard about that draft once, and it actually sounded even worse than the final movie. At least it’s nice to know that they fixed up a bad script rather than dumbing down a good one.
June 17th, 2008 at 8:08 pmThat was the best Monkey Island/Indiana Jones & The Fate Of Atlantis/Any point&click LUCASARTS adventure game REFERENCE EVER!
Never knew Rod for SUCH a video game geek (besides the movie guru we all know and love).
June 17th, 2008 at 8:15 pmThank you, derp. You said what I came here to say.
I’m tired of people screaming “CHILDHOOD RAPE” simply because a movie is released a couple decades after the previous installment. The Indiana Jones series thrive on ridiculous pseudo-science and farfetched situations. They’re B-Movies by two guys who love B-Movies. And yes, it WAS better than Temple of Doom.
June 17th, 2008 at 9:17 pmI can immediately think of more enjoyable scenes in Temple of Doom than ANYTHING remotely entertaining in Kingdom of Crystal Skulls.
In fact, walking out of the theatre in that hazy state of embarassment, remembering Temple of Doom was like a breath of fresh air.
June 17th, 2008 at 9:25 pmWhy is Lucas receiving so much of the blame? He didn’t even write the script. And no matter what crazy idea Lucas had, Spielberg is the director. At the end of the day, it’s his decision what goes into the movie and what stays out. Lucas wanted to shoot the film digitally and Spielberg refused. Lucas wanted a CGI whip and Spielberg refused.
June 17th, 2008 at 9:57 pmhilarious as always rod. there were the precise plot elements that ticked me off about indy. nevertheless i did enjoy the movie for what it was, in the end, overlooking the countless flaws and the lost magic of spielberg, it was an indiana jones movie. i’ll accept it as that. strangely though, it’s always the even numbered sequels that turned out to the be worst of the now saga, temple of doom and now kingdom of the crystal skull. oh well, at least we still have last crusade.
June 17th, 2008 at 9:58 pmthanks again for a good laugh.
At last. Thank you for another great script Rod. And thank you Joker for voicing one of my big problems (aside from the lame-ass script, CGI, weak action scenes, and Shia La Boeuf) with this movie. Also of note: two hours and not one single booby trap.
June 17th, 2008 at 10:04 pmBy the way, I actually liked Temple of Doom a lot. At least it didn’t skimp on the action, humor, and gross-out moments in favor of double agent/political intrigue/HE’S YOUR SON moments that added nothing to the entertainment value.
I think this script is one of Rod’s best, it’s classic. I can’t really comment on the movie. I was never a big fan of the original three films, so when something stupid happened in this one I kept thinking, “It’s supposed to be stupid, right? It’s supposed to be corny” and by repeating that the film was mildly entertaining. I guess it’s nice not to be an Indy fangirl.
June 17th, 2008 at 11:38 pmThis is still kinda bugging me, Shia LaBeouf: Shia LeBoeuf? Le Boeuf as in the beef? Shia the beef?
June 18th, 2008 at 12:36 amAnyway, great script Rod, I wish I read this instead of watching the movie. I think I’m still a little sick from the monkeys.
I learned from Transformers anything with Shia LaBeouf in it is best avoided.
Even my parents didn’t like this movie, and they love just about everything that comes out: Harry Potter, Chronicles of Narnia, Golden Compass, etc etc.
(And a note to Al: I noticed Rod’s anger too. And quite enjoyed it)
June 18th, 2008 at 12:38 amI love how we’ve been looking at the same CGI alien in every movie for the past 10 years.
And yes, the monkeys were stupid but the surviving a nuke by climbing in a fridge was just bad. baaad. like “why the heck was this in the movie because it’s so bad” bad.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:05 amIt’s not like this was there only script choice, Frank “I tend to make movies that are fucking awesome” Darabont turned in a non shitty script and of course George”ruin anything good” Lucas thought it sucked. her head explodes why? fucking aliens. we’ve seen enough aliens in movies already, let it the fuck go. They don’t even exist.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:27 amLogan, I notice that too. Actually, I just talked to a friend before entering the cinema how the aliens in Signals looked fake and generic, and there they are again.
I kind of enjoyed most of the movie because I always considered corny stunts as part of the series, so I think this is probably one of the most “loyal to its roots” sequels of this “lets make a sequel of a ten year old movie” trend (that includes things as Rambo and Die Hard), but there were some things over the top… The nuke and the UFO in the end was just too much.
June 18th, 2008 at 7:23 amSay what you will about the fridgenuke-scene. That image of Indy watching the mushroom cloud was absolutely fantastic.
June 18th, 2008 at 7:43 amCan someone explain how a sequel can ruin the original? I thought this movie sucked donkey balls, but Raiders is still great.
Editing the movies themselves can make them awful (Greedo shoots first, guns > walkie-talkies, etc.).
But adding sequels? Sure, enough of it can water-down the overall effect and weaken the strength of the franchise as a whole.
But having seen this movie doesn’t diminish my enjoyment of watching Raiders in any way.
June 18th, 2008 at 8:16 amhahahahhahaha
awesome. this was even more entertaining that watching the actual movie was. well done.
June 18th, 2008 at 8:29 ambuttcheese is good at answering his own questions.
June 18th, 2008 at 8:31 amI learned from Transformers anything with Shia LaBeouf in it is best avoided.
I thought he was fine. Better than Short Round. Definitely not as good a partner/sidekick as Salah though.
And while I still liked the movie more than I disliked it, the script pretty much hit all the major problems and plot inconsistencies.
The CGI stuff was the worst. Just because you can make an animated rodent doesn’t mean you NEED to do it.
Seriously, stop it. Stop. It. Stop it. Now.
That is all.
June 18th, 2008 at 8:33 amWhen I saw this movie with some friends one of them turned to me and whispered, “My God I feel like they just raped my childhood”.
June 18th, 2008 at 9:44 amI laughed my ass off reading this! Mad props. My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I am too critical of movies. She says, “It’s a movie, just enjoy it!”
Halfway through this POS, she said, “Oh my God, this movie is awful. I can’t even watch it… everything looks so fake…the dialogue is terrible…the skull looks like a plastic prop with plastic wrap inside of it…what the hell do aliens have to do with Indiana Jones…etc etc”
You know that George Lucas sat there and said, “You know Steve, if we put in some cute CGI animals we’ll really appeal to kids… and you know, you can save a lot of money and time by filming on green screens istead of taking the time to build miniatures, sets, or film on location.”
June 18th, 2008 at 9:51 amhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoyqAguNfLI
I think my review was a bit nastier.
But not by much ;)
June 18th, 2008 at 9:53 amI don’t get why everyone made such a big deal about the ‘interdimensional beings’/aliens. The other Indiana Jones movies had demon ghosts in the Ark of the Covenant, a giant whirlpool of fire that apparently led to the goddess Kali, and a cup that made you immortal if you drank from it. None of those are any more realistic than the alien-like things in this movie. The only difference is that in the other movies, the supernatural event was less religious and more sci-fi. But Indiana Jones has always involved some sort of supernatural event.
June 18th, 2008 at 10:01 amThis is awesome! ITs fuckin awesome that the current indy film suckd massive balls. U kno y? Cos Ford’s getting old (something like 65 now rite?) this will give Lucas (or some other ambitious execs) to do a ‘reboot’ of the franchise in like 5 years! Aww I can’t fucking wait. This will be like Chris Nolan’s batman sans to amazingly cool reimaginations and ofcourse directorial talents such as chris nolan.
June 18th, 2008 at 10:09 am[...] Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room [...]
June 18th, 2008 at 11:01 amOr perhaps Lucas would say: “Meesa thinks they’sa gonna pay.”..
June 18th, 2008 at 11:26 amWhat is it with CGI animals? Don’t people ever learn that it just doesn’t look right? And what is the point? I mean, if you want to show some prairy dogs running around, why not just round up a few and take the shot. You can even use archive footage. Anything but CGI.
And Tyallie, so far all Indiana Jones movies had mythological aspects, not Science-Fiction. The objections aren’t based on whether or not it is more or less realistic, but that it just doesn’t belong in the series. Basically they have turned Indiana Jones into a cheap Tomb Raider rip-off.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:40 amMonkeys don’t attack communists for no reason!
That’s the best line I saw on IMDB about this disaster of a movie.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:43 am[...] Hier gibt es eine sehr unterhaltsame Zusammenfassung des [...]
June 18th, 2008 at 11:53 amYep, this movie was retarded, but so were the other 3.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:53 amIndiana Jones has always been a ridiculous cartoon of a franchise. As such I fail to see the point of holding it to such scrutiny. Either you like IJ or you don’t. If you liked the first 3, you will probably like this one, and if you don’t, you have probably outgrown what you liked about it in the first place. The fact that they use aliens this time instead of some religious artifact is of little consequence in my opinion.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:54 amThanks for the colorful razing of a decent movie. You people are so jaded with all the videogames and movies with CGI. Do you ever stop and think how void of any kind of joy or wonder that you once had when you were very young or maybe you didn’t which is the whole problem. Movies are supposed to be entertainment and we are so saturated by rapid images and instant gratification that you can’t even enjoy a good romp through a character that many of us grew up with. Why don’t you invest some of that high powered observation and write something completely original instead of bitching about other peoples work.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:15 pmthank you for this. that movie was so horrible, i walked out to go read a book… but your script was way more entertaining. nice work.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:16 pm[...] http://www.the-editing-room.com/indianajones4.html [...]
June 18th, 2008 at 12:36 pmTyallie, it was exceptable to have the ark, holy grail and the ring of fire, because it was historical, and what is Dr. Jones? He’s a teacher, archaeologist, that is stuff he would love see, it goes with the story. Teachers don’t talk about aliens.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:44 pmWhy can’t Hollywood find a Russian actor to play a Russian in a movie? (or any other nationality for that matter) Why do we have to be subjected to an actor with a TERRIBLE accent?
June 18th, 2008 at 1:14 pmI’m sorry to say it man… But I think you’re loosing you toutch.. I remember I used to visit your site and laugh so hard I’d crap my pants and go to work smelling like shit…
Thats how i came up with the Golden rule when i put my panties
back on.. “Golden in the front and Bronce in the back”
Aaaanyhoo. I love you to death. you are a talented satire comedian. its just it feels like your not doing this for yourself anymore..
Huggs and Kisses
/////////////Samael Daemon (yes thats my real name, don’t ask why)
June 18th, 2008 at 1:27 pmha! this highly accurate review is pure nerd therapy - thank you! it is so much more worth the $10 price of admission i paid to see the Indiana Jones series get the dreaded Phantom Menace treatment. thanks!
June 18th, 2008 at 1:43 pmA poorly written joke; simply not funny at all. The movie was pretty bad, sure, but that’s how the others ones are too - Indiana Jones is not Superman, sure, but he’s far more than just a man.
It stuck to the theme of showcasing a swashbuckling hero who got through insane situations through luck and crazy skills.
I just cannot believe that so many people though this was a funny parody. I was going to post this comment after reading only a bit of it, but after reading the rest of the comments I thought this would be amusing, but damn - this writer’s sense of humor is alarmingly low quality.
I’m not a huge fan of Indiana Jones, but just enjoy the movies for what they are - if you don’t like cheese, why bother seeing any Indiana Jones movie (except POSSIBLY Raiders of the Lost Ark - that’s iffy too).
And Sean C - you are an absolute moron. You’re telling me that insane fake ‘Indians’, worse special effects and a rather similar story somehow make Temple of Doom a breath of fresh air? Temple of Doom was by far the worst.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:36 pmAllen, I didn’t MIND Cate Blanchett’s accent. She was hands down the best thing in the movie.
As for the film as a whole, well, I actually felt it started promisingly enough, and then Shia LaBeouf showed up. Down, down, down from there until I exited the cinema furious. To be honest Rod, I thought your rating was kind.
While I was willing to let the fridge thing go (despite its ridiculousness), my patience had truly worn thin after Karen Allen, Shia and Harrison (and John Hurt, I think) survive not one, not two, but three falls down a waterfall without a scratch.
And then came the Giant UFO, at which point I was reminded of the fact I’d watched the theatrical cut of Close Encounters the week before. Then I realised how far Spielberg really has fallen.
Finally, before I forget - good reference to the ‘Berg’s ET-tinkering.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:37 pm“…Samael Daemon (yes thats my real name, don’t ask why)”
hey Samael what’s up with your name? *snicker*
June 18th, 2008 at 2:55 pmBOOM! What a wonderful synopsis of this let-down.
All I want is for some of these movies to get fucking creative when it comes to creating aliens. The fact that Spielberg used this oft-used joke of a look when you can get as creative as you want was a huge let-down.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:55 pm______
/ \
| O O |
Tyler Durden’s comment wins. IJ movies have always been over the top action movies made to entertain. It seems that many of you were expecting an accurate true to physics depiction of the adventures of a teacher/tomb raider. All we can do now is hope that this bitter satirist,(whom would be nothing without a blockbuster to make fun of), gets big enough to show us how a real movie should be made. Good luck with that.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:22 pmExcellent send-up. Reminds me of old Mad Magazine parodies. You’ve made the memory of watching ID4 a little less painful.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:03 pmKasi, which part of Crystal Skull was most enjoyable for you? The utterly pointless graveyard guardians with blowdarts? Ray Winston’s unnecessary presence? Cate Blanchette’s failure at being a menacing villain? The part where Indy stares at the skull and starts convulsing in an unconvincing and (let’s face it) embarassing manner? The lazy way they fit the shot of the red line going across the map? Indy saying ‘I like Ike’?
I was never a big fan of Temple of Doom, no, but even with its annoying female costar, child sidekick, scene after scene if Indy losing, and a story that is more disturbing than adventurous, I would still rather sit through all two hours of that film than re-experience one second of Crystal Skull. The special effects might be dated (especially that stupid raft scene) but that mine cart chase is better than all of the action scenes in what you are defending.
That’s what makes Fuckskulls such an embarassing black mark on the fabric of the franchise. I was there opening night, sitting through the stupid-fucking opening scene at Roswell, watching Cate Blanchette imply that she was psychic (something that is never again referenced to) and experiencing just the awkwardness of the entire thing, waiting for it to get good.
About twenty minutes in, I thought “Okay, maybe Mutt’s introduction will get things going…”
Nope. Shea does an admirable job with the character but the what follows is such an uninteresting series of uninspired clues that I found myself saying “Okayyyy… maybe Karen Allen’s appearance will bring some class here.”
Kinda, but by then I was so desperate to like ANYTHING that I would have accepted a cameo from Kate Capshaw. The shittiness of what I was watching was sinking in with John Hurt’s appalling jittering and prancing about, but I thought that since this was a STEVEN SPIELBERG film, that at least the action scenes would be good. And I wasn’t even granted that. The chase through the jungle was boring and fake-looking as fuckall, with no sense of peril or danger. And when Allen drove the truck off the cliff, landed in the tree, bended the tree, and landed in the river, I gave up. All that was left was to wait for the film to end and resist the urge to drive to Modesto and shoot poisonous darts at Geroge Lucas’ back. Fuck the movie.
Your argument, Kasi, (nearest I can tell) is that one should ‘take the film for what it is’: an excuse to showcase a hero archeologist getting out of crazy situations while crackin wise and punchin people’s lights out. To me, this translates to ‘Let’s all take Catwoman for what it is: a hot bitch in a leather suit crackin whips and licking milk out of a bowl.’ But let’s go ahead and look at your stupid point anyway.
Raiders of the Lost Ark, according to Spielberg and Lucas, was a way to get their action-adventure serial roots out into the open; basically a bunch of action scenes strung together with exposition and brief scenes of dialogue, at various exotic locations around the planet (like the Bond series). Fine, but is that all that Raiders is? HARDLY. There is a certain timeless quality about the film with the amount of care that went into its execution, something that will never get old and that anybody twenty years from now will be able to enjoy. The argument in the tavern followed by the shootout, the scene where the beam of light reveals the location of the Ark, the fight at the plane followed by the truck chase, all among the best things ever put on film. It’s all BADASS, and while the climax is a gratuitous use of ILM effects and strikes heavily as a deus ex arkina, the attitude is maintained, and within the universe of Indiana Jones and what has been presented, it fits fine.
If you think it’s unfair to bring up the first film in the series, let’s bring up the Last Crusade. It shares the most commonalities with Crystal Skull. Similar wink-wink, out-of-place humor, bright cinematography, and (some) action scenes that are oddly unexeciting. To me, the film doesn’t get truly good until Dr Jones Sr shows up, and then it’s magic all the way through. The banter is well-written, the Holy Grail gets the proper amount of buildup, there is an awesome showdown with Indy and an asshole Nazi commander on a tank, and after a series of puzzles, we get a climax similar to the one in Raiders. Most importantly, INDY AND HIS DAD LOVE EACH OTHER. Yeah, not as good as the first, but think of it like Die Hard with a Vengenace. “Yeah, okay, better than the second film. You are forgiven, filmmakers.”
Hearing of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull in-production status way back in early 2007 filled me with dread, but with each still photo and press release, I became more confident. I was told they weren’t going to use a lot of CGI. I was told that Harrison Ford was in great shape. I was told that it would adhere to what made the last three so iconic. So through a series of outright lies, they got me excited for a film that was going to disappoint me, then depress me, then piss me off. Cate Blanchette and the mystical properties of the skull are revealed fairly early on, so there’s no danger, no mystery, no excitement whatsoever, not to mention that the one cool trap in the film (shrinking stairs) is over way too fast. “But they had fun making it!!!” Good for them. I’m the one that has to sit through the fucking thing.
And keep in mind, this didn’t have Joe Johnston or Len Wiseman or Paul WS Anderson at the helm. Indiana Jones was raped by his own parents. Stop being in denial about it.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:06 pm@XdudeX even a pit of fire deep in the earth is “historical,” (a semi-active volcano in India perhaps) what about pulling a man’s heart out and yet they still live to suffer in said volcano? That was a much, much worse bunch of tripe than Crystal Skull.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:08 pm^Um…I enjoyed the movie. Not as much as the others, but I liked it all three times I saw it. Too bad you had to resort to being such a whiny ***** about it *shrugs shoulders*
June 18th, 2008 at 4:17 pmI love how everyone gets so worked up over how other people judge the movie and try to imply that “Its just a movie, so enjoy it!”…well this is just an abridged script (a hilarious one I must say)… so enjoy it!! Just because you liked the movie doesn’t mean you can’t joke about all it’s ridiculous flaws. I enjoy a lot of the movies Rod writes scripts for, but I love his scripts too! Great job Rod, keep it up.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:19 pmDude, was not too crazy about this movie, not too crazy at all.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:31 pmhttp://www.FireMe.To/udi
Brilliant! Loved the Rocky and Bullwinkle reference. So true.
Also, they kept mixing up Mexico, Central America, and South America. Indy says that he learned Quechua (spoken in the Andes) when he was hanging out with Pancho Villa (on the US/Mexican border).
I didn’t have a problem with the idea of putting aliens in the movie. I had a problem with stupid aliens that had cheap McGuffin heads stolen from the Aliens movies. Plus, they’re great contribution to ancient civilization was to teach people about irrigation and building temples and pyramids out of stone.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:58 pm[...] movies. Hilarity ensues. It’s called The Editing Room and features such rewrites as “Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull“, “The Da Vinci Code“, “Iron Man” and other fabulous holywood turds [...]
June 18th, 2008 at 5:24 pmPirateT7, haven’t you been listening? Temple of Doom sucked anyways.
June 18th, 2008 at 5:43 pm“buttcheese is good at answering his own questions.”
Not really. My point is that if they made a LOT more of these, THEN they may be watering down the franchise. One easily ignored movie hasn’t done it yet, and nothing can ruin Raiders (short of actually editing Raiders itself).
So, yeah, this movie sucks as hard as all get out, but to say it ruined the franchise is just over the top; hell, the argument can (and sometimes is) made that numbers two and three already ruined it.
June 18th, 2008 at 6:27 pmi haven’t been to the movies since i saw POTC: World’s End. paying 10 bucks (20 if you want popcorn and a drink) to see stupid movies/sequels is just fraggin ridiculous. think i’ll pass on this ‘new’ Indy film…just like i did on the ‘new’ Rambo. bleh. they need to frickin retire already. let Johnny, Orlando, The Rock, and other younger guys take the action stage for cripes sake.
June 18th, 2008 at 7:10 pmThanks Rod, great as ever. Especially glad that you picked up on the fridge scene forever changing Jones from one of cinema’s truly great adventure icons into a fucking Looney Tunes cartoon. He was bad ass. Now he’s Elmer Fudd.
While i’m here, a word to all the ‘it’s just a movie, the others were unrealistic, why so harsh?’ brigade (who seem to not understand the page on which they’re posting), your low expectations of movies (’it’s SF, it doesn’t need to make sense!’) seem to have led the industry to a point where decent screenplays are the exception, not the rule. People lap up plot hole riddled, unsatisfying shit with a smile and demand more. No wonder Hollywood doesn’t aim higher.
Thanks again Rod, always a pleasure
June 18th, 2008 at 7:19 pmLoved the “walkie-talkies” reference.
June 18th, 2008 at 8:18 pmRod must’ve run out of space so he couldn’t mention the killer ants that can outrun an adult human.
Or Ray Winstone’s pointless character switching sides three times.
Or the fact that Karen Allen’s character was:
1. Abandoned by Indiana
2. Just before their wedding date
3. And she was pregnant
4. And he never contacted her
5. For 20 years
….and she IMMEDIATELY FORGIVES HIM. And then they get MARRIED.
That shit was pathetic. I walked out of the theater with a strong desire to buy Raiders and Crusade - which, I suspect, was the reasoning behind making Crystal Skull all along.
June 18th, 2008 at 8:22 pmWoah woah woah people. Hate all you want on this movie, but do not touch Temple of Doom. That is not even close to being as bad as everyone says it is. It is funny, action packed, and most of all, exciting. Which is more that you can say for this one and Last Crusade a.k.a. same exact movie as Raiders but with a different item and a pathetic villain with the stereotypically Spielbergian estranged father subplot shoe-horned in.
Willy is the perfect foil to Indy; whiney, annoying, and bitchy to compliment his exactly opposite attitude. It’s funny to watch them be in the same situation and have drastically different responses. While I love Marion and think she’s perfect for Indy, I thought it was nice to have a character who was stubbornly opposed to having the same sense of adventure as Indy.
June 18th, 2008 at 9:12 pm[...] battle of the hilarious summer movie synopsis has begun! i can’t decide which is funnier: the abridged script of indy4 or this review of the hulk… by the hulk. (warning, [...]
June 18th, 2008 at 9:23 pmThat was rather funny, good job!
June 18th, 2008 at 10:13 pm[...] folks, let’s get this show on the road. I want to make it to Country Buffet by four. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: The Abridged Script [probably contains spoilers] Read More…. @ [...]
June 18th, 2008 at 10:20 pmI will defend Temple of Doom with my dying breath.
Temple of Doom>>>Crusade
—
June 18th, 2008 at 10:51 pmMy kids just watched the 1st and 3rd of the franchise. They’re 13 and they loved them. I was holding back 2 and Skull, but I’m thinking now that they’ll enjoy both. They’re 13, in the important target group.
I also believe there must be better story ideas out there. What say with home pc power somebody builds a better Indy? There must be worse hobbies.
This kid’s U-tube Ford gets my appreciation.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bba_wPdLxp4
June 18th, 2008 at 11:29 pm======================================
Movies are supposed to be entertainment and we are so saturated by rapid images and instant gratification that you can’t even enjoy a good romp through a character that many of us grew up with.
======================================
But this movie is exactly the kind of “rapid images and instant gratification” you speak of. It’s very much the problem. Nostalgia is not a strong enough premise for blind enjoyment, sorry.
======================================
Why don’t you invest some of that high powered observation and write something completely original instead of bitching about other peoples work.
======================================
Practice what you preach.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:49 pmvery funny and true. The Phantom Menace made me feel like I had been raped but Indiana Jones 4 made me feel as if I had been raped with a CGI groundhog.
June 19th, 2008 at 1:30 amIndiana Jones and the Revenge of the Phantom Clones
Although I feel as bad as the prequels were this movie was much worse.
@A-killa - I’m glad you pointed out the Indy/Marion relationship and how fucking absurd it was, nobody else seemed to mention it, but god I just couldn’t believe it. Karen Allen just looked happy to have a job - grinning and giggling like an idiot. What happened to the tough woman in the bar that didn’t take shit from anyone and could out drink men 3 times her size? Honestly by the time the wedding scene happened I was in a state of denial mentally and the scene didn’t bother me because I already had written this off as not even being an Indy film.
June 19th, 2008 at 2:40 am[...] Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room [...]
June 19th, 2008 at 3:30 amSerious, Spielberg will be never watch again by me. Not because of the movie it self, but because of the ending!
Nobody, disturbed that? Did you walk out the cinema that quick?
I mean what’s wrong with him: the shitty movie is over. fade-out. then the greasy marriage! twisted the knife sticking in m back! the only thing missing would have been the android boy bringing the ring and then fly away in the alien dice-space-ship. He does it in every movie. Schindlers List, AI, …
I hate him. I hate him.
June 19th, 2008 at 4:13 amI’m going to pretend that what “Johnny” said is true. That way, the monkey scene and the ant scenes have SOME sort of justification behind them.
June 19th, 2008 at 7:07 amRead most of the comments here, and I agree with the writer of the main article.
The bottom line about Speilberg and Lucas I think, is that whenever the project involves a franchise its basically a licensed product, kinda like the way Disney World works. They concentrate so much on attempting to give ppl an entirely novel “experience”, that in doing so they completely ignore they psychology of mature audiences, who have left behind dungeons and dragons and strange tales from space to fit into society.
Peter Jackson’s King Kong was similar to Indy 4 imo, and what all these movies have in common to me is that they try to be like a theme park ride, to wow us with things we’ve probably never seen before and in so get to far off the path to get back anywhere into reality
Decades ago, movies like Star Wars were like a wet dream, because they really had stuff nobody had seen before, and for the first time in such major use convincingly throughout the movie. Nowadays we’re just spoiled for choice, humans aren’t essentially different, but our tastes are. So ppl back in the 80’s who went to see Temple of Doom truly experienced a revelation. Today, we go to see Matrix Revolutions for instance, and we’re like “meh..”.
June 19th, 2008 at 8:00 amWhen IJ4 ended, I turned to my wife and said, “Really? Fucking aliens?” I actually felt bad about dragging her to see this piece of crap when she wanted to go see Sex and the City.
June 19th, 2008 at 8:58 amOMG .. SB is too old now..
I think this movie should be a tv show not a box office movie. OMG lead villians are school villians .. wtf .. not only should she have killed his ex-girl but the boy as well no reality to the show at all.
Damn SB is watching too much disney.. what this world coming to.
June 19th, 2008 at 10:27 amWas I the only one who laughed at Blanchett’s accent? It swtiched from whatever it was supposed to be back to very Brittish when saying “Dr. Jones”. It was ridiculous.
I liked the movie. It certainly wasn’t the best Indy flick. I thought the action scenes were similar and the deaths died by the bad guys were gruesome like the old, good movies. The movie’s structure mirrors that of the originals very closely, but the delivery and context were a bit more farfetched.
Great work Rod. You always make me laugh.
June 19th, 2008 at 10:42 amReally O’Neil!? Wow. You couldn’t win either way.
This brings to mind a quote from Major League: Back to the Minors:
Doc: “I’ll tell you what, why don’t you bring me a gun and I’ll just shoot myself!”
June 19th, 2008 at 10:43 am[...] So, if you already saw the movie, and want to re-read the story, try this version. [...]
June 19th, 2008 at 11:16 am[...] thoroughly enjoyed the abridged script from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull as posted on The Editing Room: SHIA and [...]
June 19th, 2008 at 11:30 am[...] Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - The Abridged Script: that would have been a shorter and more honest movie had they made it. {via} [...]
June 19th, 2008 at 11:45 am[...] Editing Room has written an abridged script for the film and it is hilarious (even more so if you’ve seen the film, which I [...]
June 20th, 2008 at 2:03 pmTEMPLE OF DOOM has more rousing thrills and technical excellence in the first 10 minutes than the wretched SKULL does its whole running time.
You could detect Spielberg’s love of CINEMA, the choreography, the editing, cinematography, the great music and kinetic action in that flick from beginning to end.
He wasn’t a lazy 1 take director in those days, shooting one film while editing another.
He has lost it. Even the method the movie opens, with the credits placement over the action and frame was so casuall and uninvolving - no menace, no drama -
The problem with SKULL is the script is full of holes and doesnt make bloody sense, and the humorous spoof above pretty much nailed most of the issues with the flick.
But most of all it didnt flow well, it looked like it was shot in the backlot somewhere - did they even go on location to shoot this? Exposition in soda joint - hartford chase - indy theme over map - shot of airport - small mexican backlot - deserted cemetery (looks like old set from 1976s THE OMEN - and so on.
In RAIDERS you could *see* Indy in Morocco, you could see him traverse from point A to point B in Sri Lanka in DOOM, you could se him in Venice in CRISADE - this movie really looks like they were lazy to travel and shoot this anywhere else. They probably made it as far as Hawaii maybe, shot some jungle scenes and then crammed them with CGI. Horrendous.
I saw TEMPLE OF DOOM in 70mm at the Empire Leicester Square and even though the violence was slightly edited by the British board of censors (heart being ripped out etc) it was a solid, very entertaining rollercoaster ride, it looked great, it sounded great, and it was thrilling - it wasnt RAIDERS but credit goes to Spielberg at the time for taking a dark detour - after the backlash of that flick he never really regained his INDY footing (although CRUSADE had some good moments, notably the opening River Phoenix prologue).
June 20th, 2008 at 3:20 pmNuff said. I really loved this script! - And I liked the movie until the alien-exploding-head-sequence. Of course, the other movies where much better.
Steven Spielberg has seen too much his own movies.
June 20th, 2008 at 3:43 pmOh, forgot to mention: Someone should take the “Insert CGI Stuff” button away from Lucas. Please!!
June 20th, 2008 at 3:44 pmHa ha silly Europe and their censoring
June 20th, 2008 at 3:49 pmGreat script really funny. However I do find your video game references overused and unfunny. Even if you haven’t used them for the last 5 or 6.
June 20th, 2008 at 6:06 pm[...] Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room PRODUCER FRANK MARSHALL immediately proves his commitment to using CGI “only when necessary” by featuring completely necessary CGI prairie dogs in the first shot of the movie. A bunch of cars drive through the DESERT to AREA 51. HARRISON FORD’S SHAD (tags: entertainment fan fiction funny movies parody people reviews movies/indiana-jones stupid) [...]
June 20th, 2008 at 11:34 pmI saw it twice, jut to be sure what I’d seen was as bad as it felt the first time through. It was.
Up front, let me say that I have no issue with the premise: it fits in perfectly with what Indy was: a throwback and homage to the adventure serials and war movies of the 30’s and 40’s that Spielberg and Lucas grew up on. (STAR WARS, for one, has entire sections of action and dialogue lifted from THE BATTLE OF BRITAIN and THE DAM BUSTERS).
This film, made 20 years later, picks up on the adventure films of the time, which were what? That’s right: science fiction. From THE BLOB to THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL, fantasy adventure in the 50’s and 60’s was more about the frontiers of space and science than it was bushwhacking and lost tribes. I had no problem with that as a concept, and the tie-in to the crystal skulls was legitimate. Chariots of the Gods, baby!
But between idea and execution, a vast gulf appeared, and despite years upon years and draft upon draft by accomplished screenwriters, it’s the writing that most fails this picture. (And by writing, I don’t mean only the script that can nominally be attributed to David Koepp, but the many story and character decisions Lucas governed with his characteristic iron grip of misplaced self-confidence).
Lesson for filmmakers: even the most pedestrian of movies asks the audience to embrace the illusion that what they’re seeing is real. When dealing with a fantasy film (IJ being adventure fantasy, SW being space fantasy, etc.), it’s even more important that you not tax your audience’s credibility onthings that they knowand understand, because you need them to be willing to accept the more sensational elements of your story.
Case in point: yes, it was cool for Jones to be able to stand in front of a mushroom cloud (the only menacing thing in the whole movie, IMHO), but it was NOT cool that he could survive a nuclear blast by hiding in Bob Zemekis’ old fridge. Leaving aside the destructive force of the blast itself, or the intense heat, the rather sudden deceleration of the fridge’s impact in the New Mexico desert would have turned Indy into so much chunky salsa.
Another case in point: I know it was a throwback to Steven and George’s old days watching Johnny Weismuller play Tarzan to have Mutt swinging on vines, but - even leaving aside how embarrassing the whole jungle chase was, or the horde of McCarthyist monkeys - having Mutt *catch up* to vehicles moving at, what, 40 miles an hour? By swinging on vines? Come ON now. It’s not good enough to say “it’s an adventure film”: some things have to be at least minimally plausible, or it destroys the illusion.
RAIDERS was a huge success in part *because* Indy was a more “realistic” hero than your typical matinee idol: yes, he managed to do incredible things, but he was also a spectacular failure who accomplished things as much by luck as by design. It made cheering him on that much more enjoyable. That humanity was missing here. (This, by the way, is also why Batman will always be a more interesting character than Superman).
I will agree with others above that TEMPLE OF DOOM had a lot more to recommend it, despite its issues. CRYSTAL SKULL? Ugh.
Even leaving aside all the technical flaws, the character work was… oh wait, there was no character work. Despite being a long bloody movie that dragged and dragged, they still couldn’t find time for any memorable dialogue or scenes that weren’t mere exposition. That’s why Marion’s “grinning idiot” response to seeing Indy again was so wretchedly disappointing. I know Karen Allen runs a knitting circle now, but I’m sure she’s still got some acting chops, let her use them.
I’d pay good money - more than I paid to see this - to read Darabont’s treatment, but I’m sure Lucas will supress it to his grave, at which point his estate will supress it in perpetuity.
As far as ruining franchises, I find I am saved by selective memory: as far as I can recall, there are only three STAR WARS movies (if I’m being totally honest, there are only two), there was only ever one HIGHLANDER, one MATRIX, one PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN, and there are definitely only three INDIANA JONES movies.
Self-delusion can be a wonderful thing.
June 21st, 2008 at 12:20 amOh, I forgot to add, not only was it suggested Blanchett’s character was psychic, but I believe they implied that she had some telekinetic or telelectric ability - I could be wrong, but it looks like they wanted us to believe she unlocks and opens the warehouse door with her mind.
Which never comes up again.
And this advanced psychic scholar doesn’t recognize automatic writing when she sees it? Heck, it was painfully obvious to my godson, and he’s a) 14, and b) never studied the paranormal. Just weak.
Sigh.
June 21st, 2008 at 12:25 amI completely agree with spacesheik.
* No plot without any logical connection
* How can Indy survive from an atomic attack?, the three river falls?
* No strong characters in this movie
* The monkey ride (what the hell is that?), the ants (nonsense!)
This movie is just an absolute collection of nonsense, a complete catastrophe, a full zero!
June 21st, 2008 at 12:34 amUnlike the first Indy, the whole thing looked like it was shot on greenscreen. There wasn’t a jungle, or waterfalls, or big alien ruins, or even the big warehouse and nuked-model-city. CGI monkeys? What about the CGI extras? It failed to help me suspend disbelief from the start.
In an adventure movie, the adventure is supposed to change the adventurers, to have an effect on their lives and worldview and maybe even their character. Nothing. Excuse the expression in this context, but it was arcless. Surviving a nuclear test and discovering he had a son didn’t really affect Dr. Jones at all.
Just a thought, but wouldn’t the movie have been improved if Jones was fighting radiation sickness through the rest of the adventure?
I believed there was room for beloved characters to have grown and changed in the decades since we saw them last, as we all have grown and changed. Twenty years does more than add inches to your waist, it changes the kinds of risks you seek, the scope of your dreams, the kind of life you’ve been able to live vs. the life you thought you’d live. This Indy was 5 minutes more experienced, mature, and worldly than the last one. Where was his current girlfriend? Or the wife who’d left him? His drinking or drug addiction? The disease that haunted him from all those years of traveling the back end of the world? The bad habit or obsession that had filled his time in the intervening years? The scandal with the young co-ed? Give the new Jones something to work out along the way.
And that’s just Indy. The director gave us Shia as a kid who wears rebellion as fashion. Why not give us a really messed up youth, someone with real character notes? Exploring his attraction to men? Working out lack-of-daddy issues by bullying? Being absorbed in religion?
The Young Indiana Jones gave a great backstory of Jones’ early era and times; the movie could easily have built on any of the historical figures Indy knew. It would have been nice to solve an historic mystery, instead of inventing a mystery.
While I wanted 4 to have some fidelity to the Indy canon, that’s all we got. Nods were nicely given to previous bad guys, government bureaucrats, the warehouse, snakes, whips, hat, truck-hijinx, etc. Thanks. However there were few iconic moments (the nuke? the monkeys?), not one line worth quoting, no new memorable characters.
If done well, Lucas/Spielberg could have set us up for a new trilogy. As it is, they’ve burned the franchise for a generation.
June 21st, 2008 at 1:42 am[...] Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room Funny synopsis of “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.” (tags: indianajones kingdomofthecrystalskull humor) [...]
June 21st, 2008 at 3:30 amI agree with Chad, spacesheik, etc.
Temple of Doom is a classic.
1) Dark plot and story suits its title.
2) The McGuffin, although supernatural, never detracts from the motives of the characters.
3) Comedic timing - cheesy as it is, many of the gags WORKED. Indy’s fight with the swordsmen, a gag used to good effect in Star Wars, yet, timing.
4) REAL CREEPY CRAWLIES - yes, no CGI bugs crawling around. IF that didn’t make you shuffle in your seat and cringe a bit.
5) REAL MENACING VILLAIN - Mola Ram is as evil as they come, appearance, motive, etc.
6) Hokey special effects that didn’t detract from the tale.
7) THE MINE CAR CHASE - they used models, shot it in stop motion, but it works. We can FEEL the love of the craft that the model makers used, and the effort gone into making it enjoyable.
8) MOTIVE - there was a real peril in TOD and a motive to save the children, “we’re getting out of here, ALL of us”.
9) The stunts - We felt every punch, grimaced when Indy got hit (especially when fighting Pat Roach as the big Indian guy), and rejoiced at his triumphs.
All the elements worked. Sure the story was hokey, but damn, it was classic movie making and had all the hallmarks of a fun ride.
June 21st, 2008 at 5:47 am[...] this abridged script of the 4th Jones movie -totally [...]
June 21st, 2008 at 7:06 amIndy IV got off light. You could have gone on for another ten scenes ripping this sad excuse for a sequel apart. I detest this goddamn movie.
June 21st, 2008 at 8:18 amAnd I also agree Temple of Doom is vastly superior. Think of all the fantastic banter and thrilling scenes in it. The opening. The shrinking dungeon. The mine cart chase. The bridge scene. Even the flirtatious scene between Indy and Willie “you’ll be back here in five minutes!” Temple of Doom is ten times the film Crystal Skull thinks it is. No comparison.
June 21st, 2008 at 8:21 am90% of the people seem to agree about the major flaws of IJATKOTCS. Makes ya wonder if Spielberg/Lucas ever check these boards to see what the real folks think of their work. Doubtful. Seems they have one bottomline and one bottomline only: The flick made money = people were entertained = we are gods. Lucas has gone off the deep end a long time ago. But Spielberg?! What happened to the man who brought us Jaws, Raiders, E.T.!! His mantra has changed from “let me tell you this great story” to “how can I entertain the audience” to “how can I make the most money on opening weekend”. Time to look to other filmmakers to deliver the goods, I guess. All hail McG!!!
June 21st, 2008 at 8:26 am[...] importância da imaginação (discurso de J.K.Rowling aos alunos de Harvard); e a versão resumida do guião do último Indiana Jones, escrita por quem detestou o filme. Classificado como escrita, J.K. Rowling, recursos, sabatina e [...]
June 21st, 2008 at 9:14 am[...] ALERTS! Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: The Abridged Script: CATE takes the skull and places it on a THRONE. It then turns into an ACTUAL ALIEN and makes her [...]
June 21st, 2008 at 9:29 amOhioJones:
I found a script via torrent that SEEMS like it COULD BE Darabont’s draft. I haven’t finished reading it yet, but overall, it’s not bad, it has some potential, the opening sequence is far better (the mushroom cloud thing is still there, but is no longer in walking distance to Area 51; Indy loses the fight and they put him in a trunk and drive him out to it), but I dunno, it isn’t really helping. What I’d really like to do is construct a side-ship to travel to Alternate Earth where the World Trade Center is still standing and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was actually good.
June 21st, 2008 at 1:12 pm[...] Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room “SHIA LABEOUF: Pick up MAP. Use MAP on HARRISON FORD. Walk To TOMB.” (tags: gamelike satire humour funny indianajones script abridged) [...]
June 21st, 2008 at 4:30 pmI love how the movie equates fundamental relics of Christianity with UFOs. It’s a surprisingly subtle diss, considering how consistently Lucas sabotages subtlety in his films.
They should’ve adapted Fate of Atlantis. It’s not like anyone would have minded.
June 21st, 2008 at 7:18 pmTo Thomas,
June 21st, 2008 at 7:27 pmI don’t mind Rod making video game references, after all, how can you not laugh at the one he did in Rambo.
Rod do you work for MAD magazine? You are frickin hilarious!!!
June 21st, 2008 at 11:33 pm“I love how the movie equates fundamental relics of Christianity with UFOs. It’s a surprisingly subtle diss…”
A lot of Biblical scholars think certain passages in the Bible describe encounters with UFOs. That the angels, being for the moment in physical form so as to be able to interact with physical humans in the physical world, needed a physical vehicle in which to travel through that world.
Not so much of a diss when there are Biblical believers/scholars who agree with the concept.
June 22nd, 2008 at 12:09 amHey Dickie,
You mean “silly UK” surely, that’s where the infamous heart ripping sequence of Temple of Doom was cut. I watched it in a cinema in Spain back in the day and that scene was left uncensored. A propos “IJTD” I’ve never understood the bad press it’s got in some quarters; it had a great intro with Cole Porter’s “Anything Goes” sung in Chinese and the flawlessly choreographed brawl in the Shanghai night club, classic stuff really, much better in any case than that contrived shipwreck of a movie that was the Last Crusade which put me off from watching any more Indy sequels, which is why I’m not exactly rushing to go near any cinema that plays this Crystal Skull thingy. Life is too short to be forever revisiting your adolescent memories no matter how wonderful those years might have been , just like all those thirtysomething buying Star War toys, there’s something downright creepy about it.
June 22nd, 2008 at 12:20 amAnyway, all those champions of the latest Indy sequel deserve and extra helping of liberty fries when they order their Indy tie-in Big Macs for being such good and easy to please customers, Lucasfilm Ltd loves you.
[...] Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room [...]
June 22nd, 2008 at 7:32 amI havnt seen the film but at the end the main bad guy jumps the gun by placing the skull on the throne and it makes her head exsplode..? Like in the 2nd film where achiving his goal makes the main badguy melt or in the 3rd where yet again the main bad guy age rapidly till he dies… Woah, very original Lucas…
June 22nd, 2008 at 8:57 amIn every film Indy film the villain is injured by the artifact s/he is trying to acquire. It’s not “unoriginal”, it’s “thematic.”
June 22nd, 2008 at 9:16 amDouble-post, my bad.
“when they order their Indy tie-in Big Macs for being such good and easy to please customers”
Burger King got the promo deal on this one, so those’d be Indy tie-in Whoppers, not Big Macs. Just FYI. ;)
June 22nd, 2008 at 9:20 amI agree completely. This movie sucks monkey balls. No, monkey brains. Like the ones in that completely horrible movie Temple of Doom. Seriously, I couldn’t even watch Temple of Doom twice. I got up to the monkey brains and then just couldn’t see anymore. it was too brain-dead stupid. Just like Crystal Skull. So guys, stop trying to defend one retarded movie just because it wasn’t swamped in CGI, while bashing the other one that was. Both of them were awful.
Raiders and Crusade are the only Indy films worth watching.
Oh, one last thing: Rod, you REALLY should have mentioned the way they needlessly pointed out Sean Connery’s death even though the actor (unlike the one who played Marcus Brody) is still alive, just because he wouldn’t agree to be in the movie. It was unncessary and depressing, and half-ruined the movie for me because I loved Henry Jones Sr. in the Last Crusade. ARGH! Heck, if they’d left that mention of his death out and put Sallah back in the friggin’ movie I probably would have borderline enjoyed it rather than despising its very unnecessary existence.
June 22nd, 2008 at 2:56 pmTemple of Doom sucked far worse. That one was like a bad kids TV series episode.
1 and 3 were okay. 3 I found very enjoyable actually, largely thanks to you-know-who..
So not bad, a 50% score for a series of Spielberg films.
June 22nd, 2008 at 10:40 pm[...] Review - Latest Indiana Jones film gets a rewritten [...]
June 23rd, 2008 at 1:14 am[...] Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull, some other people didn’t apparently. Mostly the writer of this abridged script. I’ll admit, its pretty funny, and this is my favorite [...]
June 23rd, 2008 at 7:34 amI cant believe that Roger Ebert gave it “two thumbs up” and has 80% on rotten tomatoes!Were they paid off or was it critics buying into theyre own hype?
I really tried hard to like this movie even the people I saw it with sucked.My half-bro who saw it with me pulled out his Nintendo DS half way through the movie he was so bored.This film was made for the money and no other reason.
June 23rd, 2008 at 6:51 pmFinally got around to attempting to watch this a day or so ago (thank you bootleggers!) Only got to a little bit after the Nuked the Fridge scene before I couldn’t bear the movie any longer.
It was just.. bad. Really bad. No dynamic opening scene. Enemies were lame. Rushed action. Nothing even resembling a story in the first twenty minutes. Why keep watching?
June 24th, 2008 at 1:17 amI saw this yesterday, and I laughed at your script version of it, as I was thinking exactly some of what you say as I was watching it!
An army of monkeys for Pete’s sake!
June 24th, 2008 at 8:14 am[...] humoristischen Werts - und natrlich seines Wahrheitsgehalts! - nicht vorenthalten… Click: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room http://petergerri.blogspot.com/ mein VFX-Blog, wo du meine wichtigsten FX-Tests und [...]
June 24th, 2008 at 11:52 am“Indiana Jones and the creaky stunts of arthritis” was worthless, and doubly so since I went straight to it from “Iron Man”, which at least had seriously cool effects, even if the end was pretty predictable. I shoulda seen “Speed Racer” instead.
However, there was some mild redemption in that Cate Blanchett makes a pretty hot Evil Commie.
June 24th, 2008 at 6:47 pm[...] the new Indiana Jones movie, you can get pretty much the entire gist of it here at this unofficial “Abridged Script”. Even if you did go and see it (silly!) it’s still probably worth a look for a giggle. Unless [...]
June 25th, 2008 at 1:41 am[...] The Editing Room has the funniest take on the latest Indiana Jones movie in the form of a script re-write. A caravan of vehicles, led by a giant tree-cutting machine, travels deep into the AMAZON FOREST. HARRISON uses a CHEAT CODE to spawn a ROCKET LAUNCHER, then uses it to blow up the tree-cutting machine. [...]
June 25th, 2008 at 5:07 amBrilliant, this just made me enjoy Indy4 a bit more. to me it wasn’t such a bad movie, just a lot of stupid choices.
June 25th, 2008 at 8:43 amThe only thing I have a trouble with on this script is.. “Shouldn’t it have been taken as an indicator of a writing problem when the good guy and the bad guy in a movie have the exact same goal?” …. Except for Temple of Doom, that’s the plot of every Indy movie. They’re both after the same thing, for different reasons. They both want the Ark, they both want the Cup of Christ, etc.. It’s nothing new, if the other films aren’t bashed for that than neither should this one.
June 25th, 2008 at 1:56 pmJohn:
In every other film, Indy and the bad guy were seeking the same item, but they did not have the same goal. The bad guys always want to do something nefarious with the item, while Indy wants to preserve it in a museum or somesuch lofty goal.
In this movie, they both sought the skull, and wished to do the exact same thing with it: put it back in the throne room/temple. The goals were the same.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:20 pmJeez, I don’t know what is so bad about Indy 4, yeah there are a few stupid and unnecessary things thrown in there (gophers, monkeys, shia swinging like tarzan, and the infamous fridge scene) but I still thought it was a good movie and I liked it better than TEMPLE. But I am becoming a little untrustworthy of critics, Wanted is at 84%. It looks like a lot of fun, but hardly a good movie. And yeah, it’s the summer, time for action flicks but doesn’t mean you have to give them good ratings just because it’s that time of year.
June 25th, 2008 at 8:45 pmwow i like most of these scripts and the soviet girl wanted to know everything so they gave her that unfortunately the human brain cant hold all that shit and what would you do if you were in a nuke testing ground plus the testing ground wasnt in walking distance he had to ride that thing on the tracks with a rocket on the back
June 25th, 2008 at 8:50 pm