The Abridged Script
INT. ELABORATE GREEK ARCHITECTURE ROOM #1
FRIEDA PINTO awakes from a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE VISION.
I just had a dream that Mickey Rourke stole the Maguffin Bow and unleashed the Titans!
ORACLE DECOY FRIEND #1
Wait. Are we speaking in ancient Greek? You mean a Hollywood film is actually going to try for a bit of accuracy in a film?
Nope. Start talking in English. Americans like English. Tarsem! Remember to make this movie more like 300.
DIRECTOR TARSEM SINGH
Movie? I thought I thought I was doing another music video.
EXT. ELABORATE GREEK VILLAGE ON CLIFFSIDE
HENRY CAVILL talks with JOHN HURT, who looks like a chestburster is about to pop out, probably because he's in this movie.
Henry, you must try to be a good warrior... and stuff. I really don't care. This walking stick I'm carrying has more character than you.
Henry love village. Henry love mother. Henry good boy.
Oh well. Let me turn into Zeus so I can lessen my screentime in this movie.
JOHN HURT turns into LUKE EVANS, who is SEXY. He meets up with ISABEL LUCAS, another God, who is also SEXY.
Isabel, we are so sexy.
Yes. Such sexy sexiness. Gods don't get much sexier than this.
Come. Let's go be sexy on sexy Mount Sexylympus.
They teleport away. With sexiness.
Henry! Mickey Rourke is coming to get us! You should come fight with us!
Henry go fight Mickey. Mickey bad. Henry good.
On second thought, we'll just go without you. You're kind of a stupid.
MICKEY ROURKE shows up with his army and starts killing the fuck out of everyone. He then captures HENRY'S MOTHER. This makes HENRY angry.
HENRY starts killing a lot of MICKEY ROURKE'S soldiers, but HENRY is captured.
Uh oh. This bad.
MICKEY kills HENRY'S MOTHER.
I find your fighting abilities very appealing. I will let you live, but I won't even take you in as a soldier or anything useful really. You're just going to be a slave with a grudge against me. That's totally the best thing to do in any situation like this.
EXT. ELABORATE SEXY MOUNT SEXYLYMPUS
LUKE EVANS talks with the other Gods.
Listen guys. Mickey Rourke is going to go get the Maguffin Bow, but you can't interfere, unless he unleashes the Titans. Doing so will result in death.
Wait a minute. Who made these rules? I mean, we're gods. Our job is basically to make sure shit like this doesn't happen. What the fuck else do we do in our spare time?
Well your job in this music vid- I mean movie, is to stand around and look sexy until the third act! Now look sexy!
The sexy Gods sexily look down on the not sexy Earth in sexy poses.
EXT. ELABORATE GREEK DESERT
HENRY CAVILL is being used as a work slave along with STEPHEN DORFF.
Hey! I'm the only one in this movie with any resemblance of a personality, AND I have more of an interesting backstory than Henry. This makes me a prime candidate to be the protagonist of the movie in which I debate going and working with Mickey or being a hero! What an interesting character I could be!
Shut up Stephen! This Henry movie! You Henry lackey!
THE GUARDS bring in FRIEDA PINTO and her ORACLE DECOY friends. FRIEDA accidentally touches HENRY'S foot and gets a vision.
My friends, I just had a vision that this man sitting out here is very important and will save us from Mickey Rourke. We have to escape!
ORACLE DECOY FRIEND #3
You mean you were fine with being captured until you got a contact high from touching this guy?
I don't know... there's something... SUPER... about him.
HENRY, STEPHEN, FRIEDA, and FRIGHTENED INMATE #1 and #2 escape from the guards.
EXT. ELABORATE GREEK DOCK
HENRY and the GREEK JUSTICE FRIENDS are attacked by MICKEY ROURKE'S people. FRIGHTENED INMATE #1 is killed!
Uh oh. Henry no like this.
Meanwhile, sexy KELLAN LUTZ decides to sexily jump off sexy Mount Olympus into the sexy water and create a sexy tidal wave to wash away MICKEY ROURKE'S people.
Wow. What a shitty way to help us. We could have died.
It's ok. I did exactly what Luke Evans told me NOT to do. Surely I will be punished.
EXT. ELABORATE GREEK VILLAGE ON CLIFFSIDE
HENRY and the GREEK JUSTICE FRIENDS go back to HENRY'S VILLAGE.
Henry bury mother.
What a noble deed. If only you weren't a prick who decided to leave his fellow village people lying dead on the floor to rot as well.
HENRY goes into a tomb to bury his mother. Meanwhile, the screenwriters discover the movie is stalling, so HENRY finds the MAGUFFIN BOW! RIGHT NEXT TO HIS MOTHER'S TOMB!
Henry like coincidences. Wait. If Maguffin Bow here whole time, why no one use bow on Mickey? War be over in minute. This movie silly.
HENRY gets in a fight with A MINOTAUR! Except it's not a Minotaur. It's a giant guy in a bull suit.
GUY IN BULL SUIT
This is a very impractical way to fight!
DIRECTOR TARSEM SINGH
Shut up! It looks cool.
HENRY cuts off the BULL MAN'S HEAD and drags it back outside to where THE GREEK JUSTICE FRIENDS are being held hostage by MICKEY'S HENCHMEN!
HENRY kills them all with the bow. He tosses the BULL MAN'S HEAD off the cliff.
BULL MAN'S HEAD
Why did you take my head in the first place?!
INT. ELABORATE GREEK HOUSE
FRIEDA and HENRY sit inside a house.
Henry. I had a vision that you united with MICKEY ROURKE and became best pals.
Henry no do that. Henry hate Mickey.
I know. So instead of keeping my powers in such a critical time, I'm going to have sex with you so I don't have to have visions anymore. That's totally responsible.
Henry make boom boom?
Yes. Henry make boom boom.
They have sex while DIRECTOR TARSEM SINGH makes sure there is a giant closeup of FRIEDA'S ASS so the audience doesn't remember about how stupid she is.
EXT. ELABORATE GREEK PIT
THE GREEK JUSTICE FRIENDS go to MICKEY'S BASE, where he is mysteriously gone! Suddenly, they are attacked by MICKEY'S HENCHMEN, who kill FRIGHTENED INMATE #2!
Quick Henry! Use the bow to kill them all!
Oh look! Doggie! Catch the bow doggie!
HENRY tosses the MAGUFFIN BOW at the DOG who runs away with it.
Are you really the fucking hero of this shit?
SUDDENLY, DEUS EX SEXY happens! DANIEL SHURMAN zaps down and brutally murders all the henchmen!
Wow. The coolest scene in the movie. I guess we can leave now.
LUKE EVANS appears.
Bad Daniel! You were supposed to stay sexy on Mount Sexylympus! You die now! And it won't be sexy!
LUKE kills DANIEL.
Henry. It is all up to you. You must defeat Mickey before it is too late!
Henry have big toe.
I believe in you.
EXT. ELABORATE GREEK CITY
HENRY, STEPHEN, and FRIEDA go to the GREEK CITY where the TITANS are imprisoned. They are greeted by STEPHEN MCHATTIE.
Stephen! You must no let Mickey in. He unleash Titans! That bad.
My casting in this role and the assembly of soldiers here would suggest that I would agree to help try to fight Mickey Rourke, but due to some lack of logic, I'm going to try and make a peace with him.
MICKEY ROURKE assembles his army outside the city.
Ok gentlemen. It appears our battle today is a Helms Deep rip off. So if I remember that movie correctly, we just go through the front gate by exploding it.
MICKEY shoots the MAGUFFIN BOW at the NOT HELMS DEEP gate which explodes and the army charges. HENRY gets up on top of an overhang.
Please tell me dorkus isn't about to make a very bad inspirational speech.
Henry bring you here today. Henry want you fight. Henry no like Mickey army. You don't like Mickey army either. We fight for freedom. Today our independence day. Henry love smell of napalm in morning. Henry go and fight.
I'm sorry, did anyone hear what the fuck he just said? He kind of just grumbled through that speech to a big army without a microphone.
HENRY and the GREEK UNIVERSE fight MICKEY'S ARMY. MICKEY sneaks by easily into the upstairs room to access the Titans, and HENRY and STEPHEN manage to do THE SAME THING.
I love main character invisibility armor.
MICKEY kills STEPHEN MCHATTIE, and comes upon the BOX containing the TITANS.
Ok. There are sixteen of you. And you're all human sized. How they call you Titans in this movie, I have no clue.
MICKEY unleashes the TITANS just as HENRY and STEPHEN make it to MICKEY. STEPHEN launches himself after the MAGUFFIN BOW to fight off the TITANS.
Wow. What a noble act. Surely my history as a thief will let me use this moment as an act of redemption as I singlehandedly kill all the titans while dying nobly!
STEPHEN is brutally murdered by ALL of the TITANS. The GODS show up just in time in sexy battle gear.
Did someone call for a climax?
Henry go fight Mickey now.
HENRY goes and fights MICKEY, while the GODS fight the TITANS. The GODS fight and kill many TITANS but they keep coming.
You know I swear there were only sixteen Titans in that box. Do they fucking multiply?
HENRY and MICKEY fight while epic music is playing suggesting there is some drama to this fight.
Wow. This fight is being hyped up a lot, as if that vision FRIEDA had of you joining with me is going to become true. What a way to make your dull character interesting and have this movie actually go somewhere!
HENRY kills MICKEY.
Eh, my dead body will still be a better character than you.
With many GODS dying (because to have Gods be immortal in a movie called IMMORTALS is silly), LUKE EVANS decides to bring down the entire temple.
Why didn't you think of this before?
Because fighting is sexy!
THE TEMPLE falls and kills the TITANS and MICKEY'S ARMY outside. LUKE EVANS takes HENRY CAVILL with him to MOUNT SEXYLYMPUS. FRIEDA gives birth to HENRY'S SON, who starts hanging out with JOHN HURT.
You mean I have to come back for more screentime? God damn it. Ok. So Henry had a kid with Frieda and became a sexy god with the rest of the sexy Gods and fought the Titans with them. Blah blah blah.
Good god. Now I can finally stop acting like such a dunce. What's next for me?
Well I think it's SUPER. You know how this movie had a lot of slow motion scenes? Well you're going to LOVE the next movie.