Ugh, you get WAY too into Rock Band.


Ugh, you get WAY too into Rock Band.

THE HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. CREDIT SEQUENCE

The credit sequence is done in a very odd style, which is supposed to look CREEPY. It actually just looks STUPID and makes the AUDIENCE want to go and rent EVIL DEAD.

INT. SPOOKY OLD MANSION HOUSE HOSPITAL SOMETHING

GEOFFREY RUSH

Hello, my five guests. If you're still alive tomorrow, I'll give you money.

BRIGETTE WILSON

Golly, that sounds like a great idea.

GEOFFREY RUSH

And the more of you that die, the more money the survivors get.

TAYE DIGGS

Wow, good plan. Hey, none of you go and kill me now! Ha ha!

ALI LARTER

Ha ha! Yeah, nobody kill me either. I'm sure no jobless pathetic losers here would murder somebody for a million dollars.

GEOFFREY RUSH

Here are some guns.

PETER GALLAGHER

That's a good idea.

PETER GALLAGHER'S EYEBROWS

It sure is.

CHRIS KATTAN

This is stupid.

AUDIENCE

My God. This movie makes Chris Kattan the only person I like. CHRIS FUCKING KATTAN! God dammit!

BRIGETTE WILSON

I don't believe in ghosts.

The HOUSE kills BRIGETTE WILSON.

AUDIENCE

YEAH! Go house! Kick some greedy fucker ass, house! House-1; Guests-0.

Some shit happens in which GEOFFREY'S WIFE is killed and not killed and GALLAGHER is killed but his EYEBROWS seek vengeance or some shit like that and ultimately a cgi black cloud moves around the house at exactly the speed it needs to in order to not quite catch up with the good guys, who include the NICE TAYE DIGGS and one of the BIMBOS. CHRIS KATTAN is also killed, thank GOD.

GEOFFREY RUSH

(running)

Aiee! Get away, black cloud thing!

BLACK CLOUD

You won a goddamn oscar for Shine and you go and ham it up in this? You will be punished forever!

GEOFFREY RUSH

Nooooooooo!!

He is swallowed up by the black thing.

The black thing BREAKS THROUGH A WALL to attack TAYE and BIMBO GIRL, so they run and hide outside, on the other side of ANOTHER WALL.

BLACK CLOUD

I could chase them, but I'm kinda tired. I'll get them later. Besides, they have no way of getting down.

TAYE DIGGS

(ignoring inability to get down off tower)

I love you.

ALI LARTER

I love you.

They KISS.

AUDIENCE

I get a million dollars for surviving to the end of this movie, right? I damn well better.

END

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