THE HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL
The Abridged Script
INT. CREDIT SEQUENCE
The credit sequence is done in a very odd style, which is supposed to look CREEPY. It actually just looks STUPID and makes the AUDIENCE want to go and rent EVIL DEAD.
INT. SPOOKY OLD MANSION HOUSE HOSPITAL SOMETHING
Hello, my five guests. If you're still alive tomorrow, I'll give you money.
Golly, that sounds like a great idea.
And the more of you that die, the more money the survivors get.
Wow, good plan. Hey, none of you go and kill me now! Ha ha!
Ha ha! Yeah, nobody kill me either. I'm sure no jobless pathetic losers here would murder somebody for a million dollars.
Here are some guns.
That's a good idea.
PETER GALLAGHER'S EYEBROWS
It sure is.
This is stupid.
My God. This movie makes Chris Kattan the only person I like. CHRIS FUCKING KATTAN! God dammit!
I don't believe in ghosts.
The HOUSE kills BRIGETTE WILSON.
YEAH! Go house! Kick some greedy fucker ass, house! House-1; Guests-0.
Some shit happens in which GEOFFREY'S WIFE is killed and not killed and GALLAGHER is killed but his EYEBROWS seek vengeance or some shit like that and ultimately a cgi black cloud moves around the house at exactly the speed it needs to in order to not quite catch up with the good guys, who include the NICE TAYE DIGGS and one of the BIMBOS. CHRIS KATTAN is also killed, thank GOD.
Aiee! Get away, black cloud thing!
You won a goddamn oscar for Shine and you go and ham it up in this? You will be punished forever!
He is swallowed up by the black thing.
The black thing BREAKS THROUGH A WALL to attack TAYE and BIMBO GIRL, so they run and hide outside, on the other side of ANOTHER WALL.
I could chase them, but I'm kinda tired. I'll get them later. Besides, they have no way of getting down.
(ignoring inability to get down off tower)
I love you.
I love you.
I get a million dollars for surviving to the end of this movie, right? I damn well better.