Hey gang! Wow, can you believe it’s been a year since the last Straight From The Horse’s Ass Column? I’m sorry for the lack of updates, but I’ve been invited to a TON of Hollywood movie premieres and screenings lately and I’ve been so busy pretending I’m actually cool with Hollywood and that I’m not just some pathetic outsider being manipulated and bribed by studios to promote their films for next to nothing, accepting payment in the form of actors and actresses being slightly polite to me on occasion. It’s great! But I’ve made some room in my schedule and I can get back to movie rumors and news! Anywho, without further delay, here is this month’s Straight From The Horse’s Ass!

Please remember that all information here is CONFIRMED and presented as fact. Nothing here is subject to change. Disbelieve these facts at your own risk.

Quabbles: This is BIG news, folks! Fox Films is set to produce a film starring a record number of Hollywood stars. The incomplete story follows Peg (Meg Ryan) as she leaves her husband Wade (Dennis Quaid) for Joe (Russel Crowe). The two deal with their emotional struggle with the help of another divorcing couple played by Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman (and word on the street is that there will be cameos by Ben Affleck as an alcoholic and Robert Downey Jr. as a coke addict). How can they afford all that star power? Well apparently Fox has made a deal with the E! Network, Extra, Access Hollywood, Entertainment Tonight, and TV Guide which has resulted in a complete sponsorship of the film’s production, at no cost to the studio! ‘Quabbles’ is also saving money in the marketing department, as Fox has decided to make no trailers, commercials, web sites, or posters for the film. It is, at this point, unclear how they plan to promote the movie but it’s sure to be great!

SETI@Home: A small production company has begun the early stages of ‘SETI@Home’, based on the screensaver of the same name.

Navel Ring: Following in the expected success of Mariah Carey’s ‘Glitter’, Britney Spears is set to star in Navel Ring. The film follows a hometown girl who feels she has no talent but dreams of being a music star. Britney recently has said in an interview with previously reputable magazine Rolling Stone: “Navel Ring is an uplifting story about how strong a girl can be when she sets her mind to it. It teaches girls that everyone has a talent, whether it’s singing, dancing, or gyrating on a stage wearing almost nothing and exploiting your budding sexuality in a manner that is just legal enough to be acceptable.”

Best Buds: Kevin Smith has announced that for his next movie, ‘Best Buds’, he will drop all pretenses and just strap a camera to his head while he hangs out with his friends, and smokes pot. Comic books are also said to be involved.

Star Wars: Episode III: George Lucas has allegedly decided on the title for the third prequel (in which Anakin turns fully into Darth Vader and eliminates most of the remaining Jedi) has already been announced. This was sent in by “Lackey12″:

George plans on calling the next movie ‘Star Wars: Episode III: The Thing That Came From The Dark Side!’ I should know, I’m one of the twenty or so mindless nodding heads that follow Lucas around, encouraging every stupid idea he has without questioning his sanity.

Chris Tucker’s Next: Miramax has begun work on a new Chris Tucker film. He is said to be playing a streetwise black person who talks quickly to get himself out of difficult situations.

The Avengers: Tim Burton is said to be helming a new superhero film in the works about the superhero team The Avengers, which consists of Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, Quicksilver, Scarlet Witch, Vision and virtually every Marvel character at some point. “I really liked doing Batman and Batman Returns,” Burton says, “but since the Superman Lives project didn’t go through, I decided to write and direct a story based on issue #45 of ‘The Avengers’, in which Baron Zemo and Red Skull team up and kidnap the president’s daughter and take her off to a hidden island and The Avengers have to rescue her with the help of guest character The Hulk. But don’t let this give you the wrong idea, everyone who knows me knows I don’t read comic books.”

That’s it for this month, everyone! Enjoy the rest of the summer movies! And if summer so far has been any indication, the coming months are going to be AWESOME!