Hey gang! Welcome to the first in a series of monthly newsletters all about my favorite place and yours: Hollywood! In this newsletter, I will cover some of the latest movie news and gossip.

Please remember that all information here is CONFIRMED and presented as fact. Nothing here is subject to change.

Star Wars: Episode II: Well, it’s been cast and the lucky Anakin is none other than Lance Bass from N’Sync. According to an inside source involved with the special effects, Lance will lead a large musical number involving Mace Windu, Darth Love, and Lia-Nuk Twana to a song currently being recorded by N’Sync called “Use the Force on My Heart.”

Mel Gibson’s next: I was sent this scoop by another film rumor site, but I won’t bother attributing or linking to them. In fact, I got this scoop first! Yes, the scooper sent me the info before anyone else, just because I am that cool! It turns out Mel will soon be shooting a pic in Austrailia in which he plays a slightly edgy, but mostly clean-cut guy with a vendetta of some kind. The film is preemptively titled “Moistening the Audience’s Panties” and is set to co-star a cast of mostly older, less attractive males.

Romia and Jules: Cashing in on the trend of taking-an-old-shakespeare-play-and-updating-it-to-attract-the-teen-demographic, director Garry Marshall will be filming a new, contemporary version of the classic Romeo and Juliet, but this version will have a MAJOR TWIST! The character of Romeo will be renamed Romia and be a female character. Juliet will be Jules, a guy! Claire Daines is currently in negotiations to star as Romia while Leonardo DiCaprio has already been cast as the carefree, caution-to-the-wind Jules.

All Washed Up: Director Spike Lee is supposedly scripting a film based on the career of a black director who began his career making interesting, thought-provoking films and then just kept rehashing the same exact thing out over and over again with nothing new or important to say and eventually ended his career with a pathetic, badly disguised autobiographical film about himself. Wesley Snipes is set to star.

Matrix 2: I don’t have any rumors or gossip about the sequel to the Matrix, but I wanted to mention to the film-makers that my site is a very trusted source of information on films before they are released and I have a good feeling that an invite to the premiere or a private screening of the film would assure a good review on my suddenly highly-commercialized site that I still pretend is clever and hip despite my lack of involvement in it and my disgusting mentality towards the internet community.

Fat People Falling And Rolling About: Martin Lawrence and Eddie Murphy are teaming up again since last summers wonderful Life (thanks for the private screening, guys!) to create a comedy about fat people! Lawrence will play Fat Eddie, a recovering alcoholic with tourette’s syndrome and Murphy is set to play Big Joe, an abusive but zany serial killer who secretly wants to kill Fat Eddie. The two go on a trip across the country, getting into trouble and being fat.

That’s it for this month, gang! Be sure to tune in next month when I shill a movie starring a famous actor that actually spoke to me and report on the progress with Superman: The Quest For A Script.