The Abridged Script
INT. SCIENCE LAB
I am a scientist who repeatedly alludes to feeling like a god. I hope I don't become drunk with power when I become invisible. Do I get to show my penis yet?
Like, I am a scientist in this movie. A scientist. Cause I'm smart 'n' stuff. Uh, pi are square.
I'm fucking Elisabeth. Because I respect her for her mind.
Cause she's a scientist.
The MALE SCIENTIST collapses from laughter.
Ok, let's overexplain in absurd scientific terms how we will make this giant gorilla visible.
Oh, we're going to actually explain this as science to make it realistic? Then how come it affects hair even though there's no blood supply going to hair? And why does dirt not stick to the bare feet of invisible creatures?
When I become invisible and go drunk with power, I'm so going to kick your ass.
THAT GUY FROM JONATHAN SILVERMAN TV-VEHICLE 'SINGLE GUY'
My purpose is to make comments that repeatedly allude to how much Kevin Bacon thinks he's a god. For example, he seems to think his penis is impressive enough to show it in movies a lot.
Speaking of which, do I get invisible yet?
They make KEVIN BACON invisible. We see his PENIS a number of times.
Hey, now that I'm invisible, everyone look for me on the infared goggles so you can see my penis some more!
Uh, no, Kevin, that's alright.. I think we're ready to put a shitload of clothes on you and give your face a plastic mask.
They, having done massive amounts of special effects to turn KEVIN invisible, load him up with a cap, mask, sunglasses, and other clothes in order to make him VISIBLE. A FEMALE SCIENTIST is supposed to keep an eye on KEVIN, but she falls asleep.
KEVIN wanders around and unbuttons her shirt. He begins to fondle her BREASTS.
Her BREASTS are fondled by an invisible hand. It is one of the weirdest looking things to grace the screen in a WHILE.
I fucking love my job. I've had to work with this breast for months now.
The SCIENTIST wakes up.
Oh no. I may have been fondled by Kevin Bacon! It truly brings up a number of questions about the nature of man. It makes one wonder if perhaps someone else would act similarly if presented with the same situation. Truly, it might be amazing what you can do when you do not have to look in the mirror.
Not really. This all would be bringing up that idea except that I've been so painstakingly established as already being somewhat evil. Now that I bring that up, I've got a hankering to rape someone. Perhaps that female object who I can see from my window.
INT. FEMALE OBJECTS HOME
He rapes the girl.
Oh man, now we're really starting to see him use his powers for evil. What an interesting twist on the invisible man story.
Hmm. I think I'll go back to the lab and kill my co-workers now. I'll show them. I'll show them all!
INT. SCIENCE LAB
KEVIN is in the science lab and kills people!
Oh heavens! In typical cliche horror- movie style we are being picked off one by one by an unseen force!
What the hell are you talking about? I'm always getting wet or dirty or bloody or walking into steam or coffee or whatever. I'm hardly ever actually invisible.
He forces SHUE and MALE SCIENTIST into a room which is getting very cold! He then, in a cliche manner, leaves the scene.
Oh no! What will we do?
Wait! Science! I remember now! I'm a scientist!! I'll use science!!!
She uses the power of SCIENCE to escape.
Oh shit. I ought to hide. I think I'll hide in this steam.
I see you!
She sneaks him.
We are safe now!
You failed to notice that this movie has degenerated from a clever look at human nature to a cheesy teen horror movie! You see, I am still alive! Muahaha!!
He lunges at them. They blow up a bunch of shit, including KEVIN BACON and KEVIN BACON'S PENIS.