"I should play Cyclops, dammit, and I'll kill whoever stands in my way!!"


"I should play Cyclops, dammit, and I'll kill whoever stands in my way!!"

HOLLOW MAN

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. SCIENCE LAB

KEVIN BACON

I am a scientist who repeatedly alludes to feeling like a god. I hope I don't become drunk with power when I become invisible. Do I get to show my penis yet?

ELISABETH SHUE

Like, I am a scientist in this movie. A scientist. Cause I'm smart 'n' stuff. Uh, pi are square.

MALE SCIENTIST

I'm fucking Elisabeth. Because I respect her for her mind.

(snickering)

Cause she's a scientist.

The MALE SCIENTIST collapses from laughter.

KEVIN BACON

Ok, let's overexplain in absurd scientific terms how we will make this giant gorilla visible.

MALE SCIENTIST

(getting up)

Oh, we're going to actually explain this as science to make it realistic? Then how come it affects hair even though there's no blood supply going to hair? And why does dirt not stick to the bare feet of invisible creatures?

KEVIN BACON

When I become invisible and go drunk with power, I'm so going to kick your ass.

THAT GUY FROM JONATHAN SILVERMAN TV-VEHICLE 'SINGLE GUY'

My purpose is to make comments that repeatedly allude to how much Kevin Bacon thinks he's a god. For example, he seems to think his penis is impressive enough to show it in movies a lot.

KEVIN BACON

Speaking of which, do I get invisible yet?

ELISABETH SHUE

Okay!

They make KEVIN BACON invisible. We see his PENIS a number of times.

KEVIN BACON

Hey, now that I'm invisible, everyone look for me on the infared goggles so you can see my penis some more!

MALE SCIENTIST

Uh, no, Kevin, that's alright.. I think we're ready to put a shitload of clothes on you and give your face a plastic mask.

They, having done massive amounts of special effects to turn KEVIN invisible, load him up with a cap, mask, sunglasses, and other clothes in order to make him VISIBLE. A FEMALE SCIENTIST is supposed to keep an eye on KEVIN, but she falls asleep.

KEVIN wanders around and unbuttons her shirt. He begins to fondle her BREASTS.

Her BREASTS are fondled by an invisible hand. It is one of the weirdest looking things to grace the screen in a WHILE.

CGI ANIMATOR

I fucking love my job. I've had to work with this breast for months now.

The SCIENTIST wakes up.

FEMALE SCIENTIST

Oh no. I may have been fondled by Kevin Bacon! It truly brings up a number of questions about the nature of man. It makes one wonder if perhaps someone else would act similarly if presented with the same situation. Truly, it might be amazing what you can do when you do not have to look in the mirror.

KEVIN BACON

Not really. This all would be bringing up that idea except that I've been so painstakingly established as already being somewhat evil. Now that I bring that up, I've got a hankering to rape someone. Perhaps that female object who I can see from my window.

INT. FEMALE OBJECTS HOME

He rapes the girl.

AUDIENCE

Oh man, now we're really starting to see him use his powers for evil. What an interesting twist on the invisible man story.

KEVIN BACON

Hmm. I think I'll go back to the lab and kill my co-workers now. I'll show them. I'll show them all!

INT. SCIENCE LAB

KEVIN is in the science lab and kills people!

ELISABETH SHUE

Oh heavens! In typical cliche horror- movie style we are being picked off one by one by an unseen force!

KEVIN BACON

What the hell are you talking about? I'm always getting wet or dirty or bloody or walking into steam or coffee or whatever. I'm hardly ever actually invisible.

He forces SHUE and MALE SCIENTIST into a room which is getting very cold! He then, in a cliche manner, leaves the scene.

ELISABETH SHUE

Oh no! What will we do?

(pause)

Wait! Science! I remember now! I'm a scientist!! I'll use science!!!

She uses the power of SCIENCE to escape.

KEVIN BACON

Oh shit. I ought to hide. I think I'll hide in this steam.

ELISABETH SHUE

I see you!

She sneaks him.

MALE SCIENTIST

We are safe now!

KEVIN BACON

You failed to notice that this movie has degenerated from a clever look at human nature to a cheesy teen horror movie! You see, I am still alive! Muahaha!!

He lunges at them. They blow up a bunch of shit, including KEVIN BACON and KEVIN BACON'S PENIS.

END

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