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Hitchcock

HITCHCOCK

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. ED GEIN'S FARM - 1944

Notorious SERIAL KILLER and CORPSE SNUGGLER ED GEIN kills HIS BROTHER. The camera pans over to ANTHONY HOPKINS as played by ALFRED HITCHCOCK.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

Good evening, I'm Alfred Hitch--

ED GEIN

Eh, what da hell's wrong wit ya face?

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

Oh, you mean my make-up. Don't you think I look just like the real Hitchcock?

ED GEIN

Hmm, if he looked like an old baldin' Jonah Hill, maybe. Did ya eat the good make-up or somethin'?

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

Look, Rick Baker was too busy doing Men In Black 3, okay? Just go with it.

EXT. "NORTH BY NORTHWEST" PREMIERE - 1959

NORTH BY NORTHWEST is such a big hit that NOBODY notices HITCHCOCK EYE-FUCKING a HOT BLONDE WOMAN in the crowd.

ASSHOLE REPORTER

Mr. Hitchcock, this film is a huge success. You kind of huge. What I'm trying to say is that you are fat. And old. And also fat. You really should stop making movies and quit while you're ahead.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

My apologies dear boy, but I haven't filled out all the proper paperwork for giving a fuck.

HITCHCOCK consoles himself by ogling headshots of HOT BLONDE ACTRESSES from his past movies and neglects his wife ALMA REVILLE as played by HELEN MIRREN, who is the only cast member to NOT EVEN TRY to look like the person they are portraying.

HELEN MIRREN

Hitch, Paramount Pictures wants you to make a North By Northwest clone for them. A "Bourne" to MGM's "Bond", if you will.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

No thank you. I refuse to be one of these hack directors who just makes the same movie over and over again.

HELEN MIRREN

But don't most of your films have the same basic murder mystery plot or wronged man running from the police theme?

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

(eating)

What was that? I couldn't hear you over the calories.

HELEN MIRREN

Don't tell me this movie is going to use your iconic obesity as a running gag.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

Might as well before making fun of fat people isn't socially acceptable anymore. By the way, I want to make this book "Psycho" into a movie. It's based on that lovable Ed Gein fellow.

HELEN MIRREN

Nobody wants to see that stupid shit, Alfred.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

I just made the biggest blockbuster of the year, I'm sure Paramount will bend over backwards to finance my horror movie about a dismembering, cross-dressing, incestuous lunatic.

INT. PARAMOUNT PICTURES

PARAMOUNT EXECUTIVES

We're not financing that stupid shit, Alfred. This will just be another box office bomb like that awful Vertigo film you made that no one will remember and that will never become a classic.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

Then I'll just mortgage my house and finance the movie myself!

HELEN MIRREN

The hell?! It might've been a good idea to run that by your wife first!

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

I'm a genius, Helen, I don't have to run shit by anyone. Don't you watch House? Now help me pick out my new sexy blonde leading lady. Preferably one with a butt that Sir Mix-a-Lot can't deny.

The role of JANET LEIGH is filled by SCARLETT JOHANSSON and SCARLETT JOHANSSON'S ASS, which fills up THE ENTIRE MOVIE SCREEN and then spills out onto the FIRST TWO ROWS of THEATER SEATS.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

Scarlett, you are a sexy young and beautiful actress and I am a powerful unattractive movie director offering you the lead role in my next big movie, so... yeah. You know what you have to do.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Eat expensive fatty foods with you?

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

But of course.

HITCHCOCK tries to put THE MOVES on SCARLETT using DESSERT while HELEN is sitting RIGHT NEXT TO HIM.

HELEN MIRREN

Motherfucker!

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

I don't want to talk about Norman Bates right now, dear.

HELEN MIRREN

I'll show you! Now I have the perfect excuse to let fellow writer Danny Huston romance me!

EXT. BEACH

HELEN secretly meets with DANNY HUSTON, who is every 50 YEAR OLD WOMAN'S DREAM MAN.

DANNY HUSTON

See that beach house over there? I own it. Even my wife doesn't know about it. I was hoping we could go there and fuc--

HELEN MIRREN

Write?

DANNY HUSTON

Uh, yeah, that too. Write. Yeah.

(pause)

Okay seriously, you and Hitch sleep in separate beds like in an old TV show so I know you haven't been laid at all during this century. Are you really going to turn down all this manliness I have to offer?

HELEN MIRREN

Oh Danny, if I were interested in having orgasms do you really think I couldn't do better than Hitch? Love means never having to say you're sorry your husband's a porker.

DANNY HUSTON

Damn. I guess the only thing I'll be fingering are the keys on my typewriter.

INT. "PSYCHO" SET

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

I need a wimpy guy who doesn't know how lady parts work to play Anthony Perkins.

JAMES D'ARCY

Yo.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

Now I need a hot but stale actress who I have wronged in the past with my obsessiveness to play Vera Miles.

JESSICA BIEL

That's me. You were a real asshole to me because I chose to have a family instead of letting you make me into a star. I hate your guts, Hitch. Trust me, that's a lot of guts.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

Great, now I need you and James to suck quietly in the background while Helen, Scarlett, Ed and I actually get to be interesting.

AUDIENCE

Ed?

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

Oh yeah, I occasionally have weird fantasy conversations with Ed Gein whenever the movie starts to drag. He's like Harry from Dexter.

ED GEIN

I like dem French fried potaters. Hmmm. Taters.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

Yes, Ed. The taters are quite delicious.

ED GEIN

Helen's cheatin' on ya. Kill'er.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

Why would Helen cheat on me? I'm the world's biggest movie director!

ED GEIN

In more ways than one. Hmmm.

HITCHCOCK discovers that HELEN is writing a script with DANNY.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

My god! She's not sleeping him, she's COLLABORATING WITH HIM?! That's way worse!

HITCHCOCK consoles himself by lifting up his REFRIGERATOR and pouring its ENTIRE CONTENTS into his MOUTH.

Then he finds A SECOND REFRIGERATOR and swallows it WHOLE.

Then it looks like HITCHCOCK is plotting to POISON HELEN, but that's because the EDITING is KINDA SHITTY so it turns out he REALLY ISN'T and just confronts her about the AFFAIR.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

Helen, I can't finish filming Psycho because I am worried that you don't love me anymore, but I am even more worried that I have lost my touch as a director.

HELEN MIRREN

Hitch, I'm not cheating on you. Though I have every goddamn reason in the world to. Now man the hell up and finish filming Psycho!

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

You have put me in my place, as any good shrewish wife should. I'm so glad this movie decided to focus more on our tumultuous marriage and not on the actual making of Psycho.

UNIVERSAL STUDIOS

(withholding the rights to the real "Psycho")

Fuck you, producers of this movie!

INT. PARAMOUNT PICTURES

THE EXECUTIVES see a rough cut of PSYCHO and they FUCKING HATE IT.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

I'm ruined!

KURTWOOD SMITH

Also I'm the head of the censor board and I'm not giving your shitty movie a pass, Hitch. And I call it shitty because it has a toilet flushing scene in it. Gross. I turn the lights off before I flush. It's just common decency.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

I'm ruined!

KURTWOOD SMITH

(pause)

Okay I changed my mind. Psycho can now play in American theaters.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

Great! But it still looks like Psycho will be a huge failure anyway. I'm ruined!

BERNARD HERRMANN

Wait! I played some Doris Day songs in reverse and played the awful shrieking noise they made over the shower scene! Now it's scary as fuck!

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

The movie is saved!

PARAMOUNT EXECUTIVES

Well we're only screening the movie in one city and in two theaters! And we're going to post man-eating tigers outside each theater to make sure nobody gets in so HA!

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

I'm ruined!

(pause)

Wait! I'll just whip up an incredible marketing scheme and make audiences DEMAND the movie play in their city!

(pause)

I sure hope this tactic won't be used for pure evil 49 years from now.

INT. MOVIE THEATER

The MARKETING SCHEME WORKS and AUDIENCES line up to see PSYCHO and THE SHOWER SCENE keeps UNDERWEAR MAKERS in business for years to come.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Hitch, I'd just like to say thanks for not secretly watching me while I got undressed like you did Jessica or ruining my career like you will Tippi Hedren. You're swell.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

Wait Scarlett, are... are you actually turning in a good, believable performance right now? You know, like a real actress? Did I enter some kind of Bizarro universe?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Hey! I've turned in PLENTY of believable performances! I was the shit in Avengers!

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

You mean where you played an accentless Russian and took on an entire alien army with a tiny Glock? Give me a fucking break.

JESSICA BIEL

Wait, so the movie's just going to take your side and let you off the hook for being a creepy, possessive, manipulative asshole who abuses his actors?

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

And you're surprised? All those things are exactly what make me such a great director, right guys?

CECIL B. DEMILLE

Indeed.

ORSON WELLES

Quite right.

STANLEY KUBRICK

What's the point of hiring actors if you can't abuse them? I thought that's how movie directing worked?

END