"Are you going to give me my turn at the piano, or am I going to have to choke a bitch?"


"Are you going to give me my turn at the piano, or am I going to have to choke a bitch?"
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HILARY AND JACKIE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. HOME - THE EARLY YEARS

HILARY plays the flute.

MUM AND DAD

Wow, Hilary, you're a moderately good flute player.

HILARY glows.

JACKIE plays the cello, brilliantly.

MUM AND DAD

Wow, Jackie, you play the cello even better than Hilary plays the flute. From now on, we're going to ignore Hilary and center our entire family's life around you.

JACKIE

Well, of course you are. I'm a genius.

HILARY quietly glowers.

EXT. VARIOUS - PRESENT DAY

HILARY and JACKIE are now adults. JACKIE travels the world giving performances and winning accolades.

JACKIE

I'm now a world famous cellist giving performances and wining accolades. I'm brilliant!

AUDIENCE

What a fathead.

HILARY, who stays in London, meets a CUTE GUY.

CUTE GUY

I stand up for Hilary in front of her Jackie-centered family, so I'm a good man. Also, I look like Liam Neeson, so obviously I'm incredible in bed. Let's get married, Hilary.

HILARY

Ok.

They get married, buy a beautiful country home, and have several adorable kids. JACKIE shows up.

JACKIE

Although, unlike you, Hilary, I'm famous and talented and rish and worshipped by the masses, I'm secretly unhappy being a cellist, so I'd like to fuck your husband.

HILARY

Um..

AUDIENCE

Hilary, beat your sister's ass.

JACKIE runs into the woods, strips naked, and generally behaves like a madwoman.

HILARY

Okay, Jackie, you can have sex with my husband, but only because I am such an unselfish and giving character.

AUDIENCE

Doormat.

JACKIE fucks HILARY'S husband, then goes back to London where she finds out she has MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS.

JACKIE

I have MS.

JACKIE'S HUSBAND

That's horrible, darling. So what I'm going to do now that I know you're dying is leave you, move to Paris, find a mistress, move in with her, and have two illegitimate children by her. Also, when this movie is released, I'm going to publicly denounce your sister and brother for endorsing it, even though I didn't do a damn thing to help you when you were dying.

JACKIE

Alright.

Jackie is now in the final stages of MS and her arms are flaying out wildly.

HILARY

(tending Jackie)

Is the MS causing you to flay about wildly?

JACKIE

No, this is my diseased death Oscar clip. I'm trying to beat Meryl Streep's cancer death from "One True Thing."

HILARY

Oh. Can I have an Oscar nomination, too?

JACKIE

Sure, as long as I'm in the leading actress category and you're in the supporting actress category, despite our screen time being about equal.

JACKIE dies. Hilary is SAD, even though JACKIE never did a nice thing for Hilary in her entire life.

CUTE GUY

And the moral of the story is: you can behave like a madwoman and fuck your sister's husband as long as you're brilliant.

END

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