HILARY AND JACKIE
The Abridged Script
INT. HOME - THE EARLY YEARS
HILARY plays the flute.
MUM AND DAD
Wow, Hilary, you're a moderately good flute player.
JACKIE plays the cello, brilliantly.
MUM AND DAD
Wow, Jackie, you play the cello even better than Hilary plays the flute. From now on, we're going to ignore Hilary and center our entire family's life around you.
Well, of course you are. I'm a genius.
HILARY quietly glowers.
EXT. VARIOUS - PRESENT DAY
HILARY and JACKIE are now adults. JACKIE travels the world giving performances and winning accolades.
I'm now a world famous cellist giving performances and wining accolades. I'm brilliant!
What a fathead.
HILARY, who stays in London, meets a CUTE GUY.
I stand up for Hilary in front of her Jackie-centered family, so I'm a good man. Also, I look like Liam Neeson, so obviously I'm incredible in bed. Let's get married, Hilary.
They get married, buy a beautiful country home, and have several adorable kids. JACKIE shows up.
Although, unlike you, Hilary, I'm famous and talented and rish and worshipped by the masses, I'm secretly unhappy being a cellist, so I'd like to fuck your husband.
Hilary, beat your sister's ass.
JACKIE runs into the woods, strips naked, and generally behaves like a madwoman.
Okay, Jackie, you can have sex with my husband, but only because I am such an unselfish and giving character.
JACKIE fucks HILARY'S husband, then goes back to London where she finds out she has MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS.
I have MS.
That's horrible, darling. So what I'm going to do now that I know you're dying is leave you, move to Paris, find a mistress, move in with her, and have two illegitimate children by her. Also, when this movie is released, I'm going to publicly denounce your sister and brother for endorsing it, even though I didn't do a damn thing to help you when you were dying.
Jackie is now in the final stages of MS and her arms are flaying out wildly.
Is the MS causing you to flay about wildly?
No, this is my diseased death Oscar clip. I'm trying to beat Meryl Streep's cancer death from "One True Thing."
Oh. Can I have an Oscar nomination, too?
Sure, as long as I'm in the leading actress category and you're in the supporting actress category, despite our screen time being about equal.
JACKIE dies. Hilary is SAD, even though JACKIE never did a nice thing for Hilary in her entire life.
And the moral of the story is: you can behave like a madwoman and fuck your sister's husband as long as you're brilliant.