"Alright everyone, act randomly zany!"


"Alright everyone, act randomly zany!"

THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. EARTH - MARTIN FREEMAN'S HOUSE

In the beginning the film adaptation of THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY was financed. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

MARTIN FREEMAN wakes up to see that his house is about to be DEMOLISHED.

MARTIN FREEMAN

I'm alarmed and whiny about this! I'm going to lay in front of this bulldozer to stop it, thus setting up a joke from the book that is actually dropped from the film.

MOS DEF arrives.

MOS DEF

Hey Martin. Would you care to go with me on an exciting adventure through the film version of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?

MARTIN FREEMAN

The Douglas Adams book? I suppose so.

MOS DEF

Great, it will be a family-friendly Disney-sponsored space romp, full of thrills and slapstick comedy!

MARTIN FREEMAN

Wait, Disney? The same company that tried to stop Fahrenheit 911 from being released, has produced a film version of Hitchhiker? A book where God destroys himself in the sixth chapter with logic?

MOS DEF

What's this about God?

MARTIN FREEMAN

This film is going to be dreadful.

MOS DEF

Dreadful and zany!

They hitchhike aboard a VOGON SHIP. A VOGON awkwardly reads awful poetry to MOS and MARTIN.

MARTIN FREEMAN

I'm sure the fans of the books are squirming as this gag is destroyed. I just hope the enjoyment by audience members who didn't read the book is worth the alienation of the fans.

AUDIENCE

I don't get it. Why is he reading poetry?

They are jettisoned and, improbably, are picked up by SAM ROCKWELL and ZOOEY DESCHANEL, whose name is ZOOEY.

SAM ROCKWELL

Welcome to my ship. Please take notice of the fact that I am not just arrogant like in the book, but I am now a complete and utter imbecile.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL

One who will, thanks to a plot device later, become even stupider.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Zooey? I met you on earth a while back and become obsessively in love with you. We should fall for each other over the course of the film.

FANS OF THE BOOKS begin frothing at the mouth at this development, until their lower intestines reach up and throttle their brains.

FANS OF BOOK IN AUDIENCE

If they fall in love, they can never make a film version of the fourth book!

REST OF AUDIENCE

What happens in the fourth book?

FANS OF BOOK IN AUDIENCE

Arthur falls in love with someone else. And he teaches her how to fly. And they fly. A lot. Until the book ends, pretty much.

REST OF AUDIENCE

(blinking)

FANS OF BOOK IN AUDIENCE

I see your point, but I'll still react incredulously to this difference from the book!

ZOOEY DESCHANEL

You seem like a nice guy, Martin, but you're not just a confused and alarmed fish-out-of-water like in the books. You're a complete coward; I mean, your cowardice is actually a plot point.

Suddenly, the VOGONS abduct ZOOEY. MARTIN, MOS, and SAM try to rescue her. They mug for the camera and get INJURED a few times. This is HILARIOUS. They eventually rescue ZOOEY and meet up with BILL NIGHY.

BILL NIGHY

So your zany adventure has led you to me. Let me take you to a second Earth, which looks exactly like the real earth because it saved us a ton of money on special effects.

MARTIN FREEMAN

Wow, my old house. But you know what, I don't need to live here. I'd rather go back out into the galaxy.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL

Martin! You overcame your shockingly over-the-top anxiety!

MARTIN FREEMAN

Well, not really. I mean, everyone I ever knew on Earth is still totally and completely dead. I pretty much have no choice about this.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL

Good enough for me!

They EMBRACE. The film ends in much the same way that the book doesn't.

END

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