Hellboy 2: The Abridged Script
By Tina Alexander | Sep 24th, 2008 |
50 Comments
| Movie: 
"See my pits? No hair! It makes me more aerodynamic when I fight."
[Editor's Note: I'm honored to be featuring a guest script by Tina Alexander, a writer for howitshouldhaveended.com. Tina endured that which I could not: Hellboy 2. What a trooper! -Rod]
A huge thanks to Rod Hilton for inviting me to guest write…this was definitely challenging and I look forward to returning to my behind the scenes work at howitshouldhaveended.com. We like to make fun of movies over there too, so you should check it out.
FADE IN:
INT. TRAILER HOME
A young boy painted RED to look like a DEMON is begging for a bedtime story. He is incredibly ANNOYING and overly CHEERFUL. The audience wishes they had a FAST FORWARD button.
YOUNG HELLBOY
Please tell me a story that I won’t remember any detail of when it actually comes true in the future!
JOHN HURT
How you can speak clear English through those giant saucer teeth is beyond me.
(pause)
Okay, I’ll tell you a story, but only because the audience needs to hear it.
The Professor tells a story about the origin of the GOLDEN ARMY and the scene is illustrated by CG wooden toys. It is so visually creative that the audience is LED TO BELIEVE the rest of the movie will be this NEW and EXCITING…
CUT TO:
INT. BPRD HEADQUARTERS
Hellboy and crew return from an AUCTION HOUSE where Prince Nuada (the bad guy) released crazy TEETH EATING ROACH FAIRIES. Liz had to blow the place up and Hellboy outed to the PRESS the entire Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense (BPRD).
RON PERLMAN
Wow! Did you see how disgustingly fast all those red shirt FBI agents died? If only we didn’t always wait until the last possible second to use Liz’s power.
SELMA BLAIR
I can’t use my power until I say the insanely lame line “you should be running” and then squint my eyes a lot. It’s just embarrassing.
(pause)
I’m relieved none of us even got a scratch from those things. We must be calcium deficient.
DOUG JONES
I hear prenatal vitamins are high in calcium.
SELMA BLAIR
Shut up Doug. We’re not telling Hellboy yet because we want to really drag out this ridiculous, unimportant storyline and thoroughly piss off Mike Mignola and the comic purists.
JEFFREY TAMBOR
(storming in)
I am a completely stereotypical and one dimensional character. I will now yell and pop antacids.
RON PERLMAN
Hey, weren’t you the dad on the critically acclaimed show Arrested Development?
JEFFREY TAMBOR
Yeah…depressing isn’t it?
(pause)
Well its time for me to introduce you all to a completely pointless character. Meet Johann Krauss.
In walks a MAN made of GAS that speaks in the same voice as the FISH on American Dad.
SETH MACFARLANE
I am way too talented for this film.
The rest of the actors nod in AGREEMENT.
CUT TO:
INT. COUNSEL CHAMBER
Prince Nuada is asking for his FATHER to awaken the GOLDEN ARMY and teach all the HUMANS a lesson.
LUKE GOSS
The humans are terrible dad. They built a bunch of parking lots and shopping malls. I mean, if that isn’t reason enough to destroy them all with an indestructible army, then I don’t know what is.
THE KING
Needer Nooder Neffer Cohen. Noodle Needle Nedder…wait, seriously? This is the language you guys came up with?
LUKE GOSS
(laughing)
Yeah, I can hardly keep a straight face when you talk. And why am I talking in English? Don’t I hate all things human and want to restore our kingdom? Shouldn’t I be the one talking in our native language?
THE KING
This movie is ridiculous. Just kill me now and take my crown piece.
The prince obliges, but his TWIN (who has the FINAL piece of the crown) runs off, thus DELAYING the end of the movie. The AUDIENCE sighs in frustration.
INT. TROLL MARKET
The ACTORS walk around in complete AWE of all the creatures at the troll market.
RON PERLMAN
Wow. This place is amazing. Now I understand why the script for this movie is so awful and filled with gaping plot holes.
DOUG JONES
No kidding. Clearly every dime went to the art department. Del Toro is a genius. Maybe the critics will forget about the rest of the movie and only remember the awe inspiring creations.
The prince has the opportunity to TAKE the final piece of the crown BUT INSTEAD talks about how humans have forgotten about the gods and destroyed the earth. He releases a giant FLOWER MONSTER on them and DISAPPEARS. The movie shows examples of ungrateful, earth killing, greedy humans and the audience begins to hope the prince wins. And fast.
CUT TO:
INT. BPRD HEADQUARTERS
The crew returns to headquarters with the PRINCESS, the final piece of the CROWN, and the map to the GOLDEN ARMY. But instead of doing anything to further the plot, Hellboy and Abe are DRINKING BEER and SINGING LOVE SONGS. No, I’M SERIOUS.
DOUG JONES
(wasted and slurring)
You really know women Ron. I can’t think of anyone better to give me love advice than a guy that doesn’t even know his gal is pregnant.
RON PERLMAN
Whaaaa?!?!
DOUG JONES
Oh nevermind. By the way, the Princess told me that the Prince is probably on his way now.
RON PERLMAN
Cool. Lets finish this six pack. It wouldn’t hurt if the audience started drinking too. The drunker the better.
The Prince arrives to take the Princess. Hellboy and Abe decide to confront him but they obviously FAIL and the Prince breaks off a piece of his SPEAR in Hellboy’s HEART. The Prince runs off with the Princess but again LEAVES THE CROWN PIECE BEHIND!
INT. UNDERGROUND SPECIAL PLACE
The GROUP follows a legless troll into a HIDDEN CHAMBER where the many eyed ANGEL OF DEATH lives.
DEATH ANGEL
I can save Hellboy, but I want Liz to decide. First, you should know that he will bring about the destruction of the world.
SELMA BLAIR
I ain’t gonna be no single mother raising devil babies! Hellboy’s gotta live!!
RON PERLMAN
WHAAAAA?!?
Death SAVES Hellboy. The audience WISHES it didn’t.
INT. GOLDEN ARMY UNDERGROUND
The Prince awakens the GOLDEN ARMY and everyone just STANDS THERE while Hellboy and the GAS GUY fight the army ONE AT A TIME. This would be a GREAT TIME for Liz to squint her eyes and start flaming, but no, SHE JUST STANDS THERE.
RON PERLMAN
This is quite possibly the most pointless fight ever. Instead I challenge the Prince’s crown and control of the army!
SELMA BLAIR
You can do that?
LUKE GOSS
Yeah, he can. Man, its like someone told you a story about this a long time ago and you just remembered it.
RON PERLMAN
I don’t know what your talking about. Let’s fight.
Hellboy and the Prince FIGHT. It’s pretty much the ONLY cool FIGHT SCENE in the movie, but unfortunately most of the audience is ASLEEP. Hellboy wins, but does NOT kill the Prince.
SELMA BLAIR
Watch out! The Prince is going to stab you from behind because you were stupid enough to leave him alive and turn your back on him after he told you he would never give up.
Just then, the Princess STABS herself, KILLING the Prince as well.
LUKE GOSS
(dying)
WEAK MOVE SISTER!!
RON PERLMAN
Man, why didn’t she just do that a long time ago?
Everyone (including the audience) nods in agreement.
SELMA BLAIR
I don’t know, but I’m going to melt this crown so that no one can ever do this again.
SETH MACFARLANE
Why didn’t we just melt the final piece of the crown when we obtained it hours ago? You guys are all a bunch of morons.
Just then Jeffrey Tambor shows up and EVERYONE QUITS the bureau. Hellboy and Liz are walking away.
SELMA BLAIR
By the way Red, I’m having TWO babies.
RON PERLMAN
WHAAAAA!?!?
The song “Can’t Smile Without You” by Barry Manilow begins to play and the audience starts bleeding from their ears. The damage is so bad that they don’t remember what they just watched and give Hellboy 2 a great review.
END
This script seems particularly down on a movie you rated with 3.5 stars. :) I loved the movie myself, despite the incredible moments of cheesy inanity you pointed out so aptly.
On the other hand, I was one of those people hoping for the destruction of humanity… Oh well.
September 24th, 2008 at 7:38 amthat pretty much covers it! great guest script.
September 24th, 2008 at 7:46 amcongrats, it was decent!
actually it was pretty damn spot-on, melting the crown was exactly what i thought should have been done earlier (or at least melting the part the princess had)
“The song “Can’t Smile Without You” by Barry Manilow begins to play and the audience starts bleeding from their ears. The damage is so bad that they don’t remember what they just watched and give Hellboy 2 a great review.”
Nice finish!
September 24th, 2008 at 7:51 am“Hellboy and the Prince FIGHT. It’s pretty much the ONLY cool FIGHT SCENE in the movie, but unfortunately most of the audience is ASLEEP.”
Yep, the movie was insanely boring with plot holes you could fist like a truck-stop prostitute.
Can’t wait for Hellboy 3 where Liz and Hellboy move into the suburbs for wacky domestic sitcom-like adventures with Jeffrey Tambor guest starring as the “wacky neighbour”. It’ll be wacky!
September 24th, 2008 at 8:16 am“This script seems particularly down on a movie you rated with 3.5 stars.”
My fault. I accidentally clicked the wrong thing when publishing the script. Tina meant to only give it 2 stars.
September 24th, 2008 at 8:33 amSince the summer movies are pretty much over, I have a strong desire for you to do Dune (the 80s version, not the tv one) for some reason.
September 24th, 2008 at 8:49 amHellboy 2 was a great movie and besdies the melting the crown thing (I wondered the same) your other complaints are baseless, sorry this abridged script just isn’t that good.
September 24th, 2008 at 11:28 amOnly 2 stars? I thought the movie was great, much better than the confusing Batman.
September 24th, 2008 at 12:09 pmAfter reading the script, I think it isn’t par with the other scripts on the site which are much funnier. It just brings the film down with low punches. But since it isn’t Rod work, it’s fair game I guess.
September 24th, 2008 at 12:17 pmI dunno Rory. Although it was a bit harsh, Tina makes more than one good point. Like the speaking English thing. Either go all the way with the native tongue or just have everyone speak English.
By the way, no disrespect to the Arrested Development fans, but to me Jeffrey Tambor will always be Hank Kingsley from the Larry Sanders Show. I have never laughed harder than when he asked the Wu Tang Clan which one of them was “Dirty Old Bitch.”
September 24th, 2008 at 12:47 pmwell I’m thankful for any script after d*mned near a month…
September 24th, 2008 at 12:59 pmAnd I’ll say I enjoyed it.
And I agree with the 2 stars. The film started out on a decent note, but descended into … no words can describe what it turned into. Wait I know a good one, but it’s not a word used in civilized conversation.
off to look at the author’s blog now.
I knew there was stuff wrong with this movie but couldn’t be arsed working it all out.
September 24th, 2008 at 1:14 pm“Wait I know a good one, but it’s not a word used in civilized conversation.”
Shite?
September 24th, 2008 at 2:36 pm2 stars? Truly harsh, I enjoyed this as much, if not more, than The Dark Knight. And the “Can’t Smile Without You” bit was hilarious. But a good script nonetheless, for the film was full of holes. And as I said on a previous comment, Del Toro needs the p*ss taken out of him at some point – the critics have made him virtually untouchable these days. As evidenced by your line, “Maybe the critics will forget about the rest of the movie and only remember the awe inspiring creations.”
September 24th, 2008 at 3:17 pmVery funny script. This guest author thing is off to a great start.
September 24th, 2008 at 4:31 pmNice script, why is everyone rating hellboy so high? the first one was great, this one not so much.
September 24th, 2008 at 5:03 pm…2 stars?
That’s less than Transformers got, and that movie was the biggest piece of crap I’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing. I believe I have lost faith in other people for good this time.
Anyway, all movies have flaws and plot holes, but for what Hellboy 2 was (comedy/fantasy/comic conversion… dangerous combination), it was fantastic and I still love it. I’m among those people who liked it more than Dark Knight too, which while extremely enjoyable, was also highly overrated and riddled with poor writing and editing, in my opinion.
Anyway, it would be no fun if everyone agreed on everything. :)
September 24th, 2008 at 9:56 pmJob well done Tina, looks like you put a lot of work into this. It made me laugh here at crappy work, so I thank you for that!
September 24th, 2008 at 11:07 pmGod this movie sucked. Why the hell is it so highly rated? Are the critics so dumb they’ll forgive the lack of the most basic understanding of narrative just because the film looks pretty? Gimme a hundred million dollars, I can make a film full of pretty creatures too. Imbeciles.
Not a bad guest script.
September 25th, 2008 at 12:36 amI kind of get the impression the writer actually has some sort of respect for Seth MacFarlane? That’s a FAIL. Opinion Invalidated.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:39 amThis was a classic example of a director putting effects and visuals ahead of plot on the priority list. At first it may seem like a good movie, but when you really think back on it and ask questions like “why?” there aren’t any answers. The entire troll market scene was entirely superfluous – just another place for a fight scene. The massive plot holes were patched with random interesting creatures connected only by a hasty attempt to show as many cool things as possible. Angel of death? Awesome, but why is he there? Totally needless. As this script pointed out, the characters actions and reasons for going from place to place were unclear as well. I would rate this on par with any of Rod’s work. Good stuff.
September 25th, 2008 at 12:35 pmOh, and why all the hate on Batman? Best movie of the year by far.
Awesome, both Hellboy movies are total shit.
September 25th, 2008 at 4:08 pmPeople keep complaining about the rating. Rod doesn’t use the standard 5-star rating system (1 = bad and 5 = excellent). Remember? Rod’s is more on the line of 5 stars means the movie was tolerable to watch, 3 stars means it was a steaming pile of donkey droppings and 1 star means he would have rather have his nuts washed with a brillo pad and lemon juice solution than have to watch the travesty of a movie again.
I’d say 2 stars for Hellboy 2 is probably about right … given the proper rating definitions ;)
September 26th, 2008 at 7:05 amThis is the rare bad review that makes me actually want to see the movie more.
(meant as a compliment)
September 26th, 2008 at 12:17 pmFred wait for it to come out on DVD and hit mute, it would have been infinitely better without the actors constant need to talk
September 26th, 2008 at 5:04 pmNice script! I actually enjoyed Hellboy 2, but your criticisms were spot on.
“Man, why didn’t she just do that a long time ago?”
Exactly! I was wondering that for the whole second half of the movie. And why do it then, when the situation was under control?
September 26th, 2008 at 5:08 pmIs it me, or did the Burn After Reading script go missing? Sorry if this was asked/addressed earlier.
September 28th, 2008 at 8:04 pmFun script. It took a lot of guts to be the first guest, for a long time, anyway, to face down this wretched hive of scum and villainy.
@gunneos: Thank you. I was starting to think that link must have been some feverish dream. My theory is he’s waiting for a bit to let the guest strip remain at the top of the page… ?
September 28th, 2008 at 8:17 pmI find it weird nobody mentioned it before me..? I’m hoping Rod will say something about it, though. Regardless I enjoyed his “page cannot be found” page, which was really brilliant compared to the boring old 404 blank page error.
September 29th, 2008 at 6:59 amaha, it’s right here:
http://www.cracked.com/article_16664_if-burn-after-reading-was-shorter-made-any-damn-sense.html
September 29th, 2008 at 7:01 amgunneos:
explanation here: http://www.the-editing-room.com/thedarkknight.html#comment-28691
September 29th, 2008 at 7:45 am…huh. Didn’t notice the plot holes during the film. Oooh shiny plot shiny plot whee!
The drunk karaoke scene was worth it though.
September 29th, 2008 at 8:57 amHey, I loved Hellboy 2, but its definitely a love it or hate it movie. Its cheesy as all hell, but Del Toro managed to keep it entertaining the entire time.
Great abridged script, though.
September 30th, 2008 at 3:43 pmAlthough it’s totally unrelated to the above – great – script, I’ll just go ahead and state my request. Could you please … pretty please do Batman Begins as well .. Rod? I mean, you did the Pirates trilogy .. and the Star Wars one .. if only for the sake of symmetry.
October 1st, 2008 at 1:39 pmI also want to warn everyone that i shall be mercilessly posting this same retarded request … until i get some response (other than F*ck off).
Brilliant script!
October 2nd, 2008 at 12:07 amI enjoy movies like this BECAUSE of their ‘flaws’
Since comedy has returned to the “slap stick style” bearings of endomorphic creations, these “wtf” movies I find quite entertaining.
I would have never found this site if the link hadnt been on howitshouldhaveended.com…
Thank You for your insightful awakening ;)
I was totally confused for most of the script because I didn’t realize that the twin of the prince was a chick. Call me dumb, but I didn’t connect “princess” and “twin” until she killed herself.
October 2nd, 2008 at 12:51 amYikes, this doesn’t sound like my kind of movie. Anyway, the script only made me laugh a couple of times, but the “How it should have ended” videos have been making me laugh for years, so I forgive you! They’re hilarious.
October 4th, 2008 at 10:21 amThe only thing Seth Macfarlane is talented at is being inherently unfunny.
October 4th, 2008 at 9:14 pmHm, I dont think it´s up to Rod Hilton´s style, but it aint bad for a first time.
BTW: for the record: I read somewhere that the language they speak in the movie is ancient Gaelic. Now, this still doesn´t explain why does Prince Nuada speak in Humanish (change humanish to whatever language you saw the movie in)…
October 5th, 2008 at 4:02 pmit’s really sad when seth macfarlane is too talented for your movie.
November 9th, 2008 at 7:08 ami love that abe(the fishguy) wears a breathing device in the begining of the movie and points out that he cant breath without it when not in water and then he dosent wear it for the rest of the film…
November 11th, 2008 at 9:52 pmAs always the sequel is not as good as the original, although I did enjoy Ron Perlman as Hellboy. He played the big red bastard with a cocky swagger that was enjoyable.
November 18th, 2008 at 8:59 amI gotta admit. Hellboy 2 was fucking atrocious. The only part I really enjoyed was listening to Barry Manilow and munching on the generic brand of licorice I jacked at the dollar store.
December 14th, 2008 at 8:10 pmNice script! I just found this site today and this is only the third script I’ve read, but man it had me scraking up!
BTW: the movie WAS horrible and totally deserved this.
December 17th, 2008 at 12:14 amHaha, so that’s what that movie was about. I was actually drunk at the time, so all I remember is the awesome creatures. I think I started tripping balls right around when that goat thing was rolling around on that wagon dealie.
Good times.
December 26th, 2008 at 8:22 pmUntil I saw this, I thought I was the only one that was severely unsatisfied with this movie. Now all of those stellar reviews make sense. The critics must have been blinded by the beautiful scenery and art.
December 27th, 2008 at 11:23 pmI enjoyed the movie much more than the first Hellboy, buy yeah, they should have melted the crown piece when they first got it.
January 22nd, 2009 at 10:30 amI agree that Seth Mcfarlane is too talented to be in this movie, or in any other movie. Or on television. Hell, he’s too talented for the INTERNET, even. He should probably stop making things altogether.
April 20th, 2009 at 2:10 amIt’s true, it’s like the entire movie budget was blown on the art department alone. :) I think the two Hellboy animated movies were better than this.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:48 amAside from kissing Seth Mcfarlane's ass…great script.
January 6th, 2010 at 2:22 am