HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY
The Abridged Script
INT. TRAILER HOME
A young boy painted RED to look like a DEMON is begging for a bedtime story. He is incredibly ANNOYING and overly CHEERFUL. The audience wishes they had a FAST FORWARD button.
Please tell me a story that I won't remember any detail of when it actually comes true in the future!
How you can speak clear English through those giant saucer teeth is beyond me.
Okay, I'll tell you a story, but only because the audience needs to hear it.
The Professor tells a story about the origin of the GOLDEN ARMY and the scene is illustrated by CG wooden toys. It is so visually creative that the audience is LED TO BELIEVE the rest of the movie will be this NEW and EXCITING...
INT. BPRD HEADQUARTERS
Hellboy and crew return from an AUCTION HOUSE where Prince Nuada (the bad guy) released crazy TEETH EATING ROACH FAIRIES. Liz had to blow the place up and Hellboy outed to the PRESS the entire Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense (BPRD).
Wow! Did you see how disgustingly fast all those red shirt FBI agents died? If only we didn't always wait until the last possible second to use Liz's power.
I can't use my power until I say the insanely lame line "you should be running" and then squint my eyes a lot. It's just embarrassing.
I'm relieved none of us even got a scratch from those things. We must be calcium deficient.
I hear prenatal vitamins are high in calcium.
Shut up Doug. We're not telling Hellboy yet because we want to really drag out this ridiculous, unimportant storyline and thoroughly piss off Mike Mignola and the comic purists.
I am a completely stereotypical and one dimensional character. I will now yell and pop antacids.
Hey, weren't you the dad on the critically acclaimed show Arrested Development?
Yeah...depressing isn't it?
Well its time for me to introduce you all to a completely pointless character. Meet Johann Krauss.
In walks a MAN made of GAS that speaks in the same voice as the FISH on American Dad.
I am way too talented for this film.
The rest of the actors nod in AGREEMENT.
INT. COUNSEL CHAMBER
Prince Nuada is asking for his FATHER to awaken the GOLDEN ARMY and teach all the HUMANS a lesson.
The humans are terrible dad. They built a bunch of parking lots and shopping malls. I mean, if that isn't reason enough to destroy them all with an indestructible army, then I don't know what is.
Needer Nooder Neffer Cohen. Noodle Needle Nedder...wait, seriously? This is the language you guys came up with?
Yeah, I can hardly keep a straight face when you talk. And why am I talking in English? Don't I hate all things human and want to restore our kingdom? Shouldn't I be the one talking in our native language?
This movie is ridiculous. Just kill me now and take my crown piece.
The prince obliges, but his TWIN (who has the FINAL piece of the crown) runs off, thus DELAYING the end of the movie. The AUDIENCE sighs in frustration.
INT. TROLL MARKET
The ACTORS walk around in complete AWE of all the creatures at the troll market.
Wow. This place is amazing. Now I understand why the script for this movie is so awful and filled with gaping plot holes.
No kidding. Clearly every dime went to the art department. Del Toro is a genius. Maybe the critics will forget about the rest of the movie and only remember the awe inspiring creations.
The prince has the opportunity to TAKE the final piece of the crown BUT INSTEAD talks about how humans have forgotten about the gods and destroyed the earth. He releases a giant FLOWER MONSTER on them and DISAPPEARS. The movie shows examples of ungrateful, earth killing, greedy humans and the audience begins to hope the prince wins. And fast.
INT. BPRD HEADQUARTERS
The crew returns to headquarters with the PRINCESS, the final piece of the CROWN, and the map to the GOLDEN ARMY. But instead of doing anything to further the plot, Hellboy and Abe are DRINKING BEER and SINGING LOVE SONGS. No, I'M SERIOUS.
(wasted and slurring)
You really know women Ron. I can't think of anyone better to give me love advice than a guy that doesn't even know his gal is pregnant.
Oh nevermind. By the way, the Princess told me that the Prince is probably on his way now.
Cool. Lets finish this six pack. It wouldn't hurt if the audience started drinking too. The drunker the better.
The Prince arrives to take the Princess. Hellboy and Abe decide to confront him but they obviously FAIL and the Prince breaks off a piece of his SPEAR in Hellboy's HEART. The Prince runs off with the Princess but again LEAVES THE CROWN PIECE BEHIND!
INT. UNDERGROUND SPECIAL PLACE
The GROUP follows a legless troll into a HIDDEN CHAMBER where the many eyed ANGEL OF DEATH lives.
I can save Hellboy, but I want Liz to decide. First, you should know that he will bring about the destruction of the world.
I ain't gonna be no single mother raising devil babies! Hellboy's gotta live!!
Death SAVES Hellboy. The audience WISHES it didn't.
INT. GOLDEN ARMY UNDERGROUND
The Prince awakens the GOLDEN ARMY and everyone just STANDS THERE while Hellboy and the GAS GUY fight the army ONE AT A TIME. This would be a GREAT TIME for Liz to squint her eyes and start flaming, but no, SHE JUST STANDS THERE.
This is quite possibly the most pointless fight ever. Instead I challenge the Prince's crown and control of the army!
You can do that?
Yeah, he can. Man, its like someone told you a story about this a long time ago and you just remembered it.
I don't know what your talking about. Let's fight.
Hellboy and the Prince FIGHT. It's pretty much the ONLY cool FIGHT SCENE in the movie, but unfortunately most of the audience is ASLEEP. Hellboy wins, but does NOT kill the Prince.
Watch out! The Prince is going to stab you from behind because you were stupid enough to leave him alive and turn your back on him after he told you he would never give up.
Just then, the Princess STABS herself, KILLING the Prince as well.
WEAK MOVE SISTER!!
Man, why didn't she just do that a long time ago?
Everyone (including the audience) nods in agreement.
I don't know, but I'm going to melt this crown so that no one can ever do this again.
Why didn't we just melt the final piece of the crown when we obtained it hours ago? You guys are all a bunch of morons.
Just then Jeffrey Tambor shows up and EVERYONE QUITS the bureau. Hellboy and Liz are walking away.
By the way Red, I'm having TWO babies.
The song "Can't Smile Without You" by Barry Manilow begins to play and the audience starts bleeding from their ears. The damage is so bad that they don't remember what they just watched and give Hellboy 2 a great review.
Tina is a writer and voice-actor for howitshouldhaveended.com. They like to make fun of movies over there too, so you should check it out.