Texas Rangers always have a little extra strut on New Hat Day.


Texas Rangers always have a little extra strut on New Hat Day.

HELL OR HIGH WATER

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. SMALL-TOWN BANK -- WEST TEXAS

A MASKED MAN and CHRIS PINE are robbing the BANK.

CHRIS PINE

Huh? I'm in a mask too, how do you know--

DUDE. You went and bought the only ski mask in Texas with holes large enough to display your GIANT MUTANT EYEBROWS.

CHRIS PINE

Oops.

BEN FOSTER

(removing mask)

And by now everybody has figured out, by process of elimination, who I am. Way to fucking go Chris.

They rob the BANK, then rob another BANK, then drive their somewhat distinctive SHINY BRIGHT BLUE PONTIAC back to their land and BURY it with bulldozers.

CHRIS PINE

(moving tons of dirt with giant loud bulldozer)

Heh heh, we are so sneaky!

BEN FOSTER

What was our plan if somebody from either bank decided to follow us, while we were driving a car easily visible from 200 miles away?

CHRIS PINE

Um, we'd have got Daisy and Uncle Jesse to sow confusion by driving matching cars off ridiculous jumps of course NO, NO WAIT, that was last night's Dukes of Hazzard rerun. In reality our plan was

EXT. OUTSIDE THE BANK - THE NEXT MORNING

Seasoned Veteran Texas Rangers (Sea-soned Vet-'ran Te-xasRaaaan-gers! SEA-SONED VET-'RAN TE-XASRAAAAN-GERS!!) JEFF BRIDGES and GIL BIRMINGHAM arrive. (HEROES in a HALF HELL!! ...OR HIGH WATER!!!)

JEFF BRIDGES

I sure hope I can solve this last case before my retirement.

GIL BIRMINGHAM

Are you suggesting you might get killed off? I'm your ethnic sidekick who's practically a carbon copy of the Breaking Bad DEA sidekick, I am TOTES getting killed off.

JEFF BRIDGES

The important thing is we're partners, you fuckhead. Oh, I'll be demonstrating my friendship for you through constant insults. Dipshit. Let's start by reviewing the security footage.

BANK MANAGER

(shaking head)

I'm sorry but during the robbery, our security footage is nothing but giant eyebrow hair all over the goddamn place. Solid clumps of bush in your face the whole time, it's like watching porn from the 70s. Like we were robbed by teenage Chewbacca dunked in Rogaine. Like-

JEFF BRIDGES

Right, okay, we'll keep our eyes peeled for Bigfoot's used waxing strip. Got it.

INT. DINER

CHRIS and BEN have lunch.

BEN FOSTER

Sure does suck how Mom's terminal illness drained our money, and the bank's gonna foreclose on our land if we don't magically produce tons of cash.

CHRIS PINE

Yep, ours is a tragic--and topical!--struggle. Good thing I could reach out to you, my no-good brother, and use your criminal abilities to help with my plan. It'll work perfect as long as nobody connects me to what you're doing. Which is why we're having lunch in public.

BEN FOSTER

I'll help your plan EVEN MORE by spontaneously robbing the bank right across the street!

BEN charges out and goes full BATMAN VILLAIN on the adjoining BANK while CHRIS doesn't even notice because he's too busy flirting with their WAITRESS.

WAITRESS

I'd love to gaze longingly into those big soulful eyes of yours. Let me grab a machete so I can clear a trail to them--

CHRIS PINE

Or, how about I just reach into my pants and give you this giant tip.

(pause)

Of cash.

BEN FOSTER

(running back)

WOO-HOO! START THE CAR!! SURE HOPE NOBODY'S NOTICING THIS BRAZEN ROBBERY!!

They leap in the car and DRIVE OFF!

CHRIS PINE

Damn, now we gotta bury this car and steal another, as per our plan. It is a super brilliant plan because it means we ALSO have a stolen car spree, to go with our bank robbery spree, so that's TWO chances for law enforcement to catch up to us.

BEN FOSTER

Don't forget our illegal-gun-purchasing spree! That's THREE chances!

CHRIS PINE

Thanks for reminding me, we should go buy some more illegal guns, right after I randomly beat up a dude in broad daylight! WE ARE SUCH MASTER CRIMINALS BWAH HA HA

INT. DINER - THE NEXT DAY

JEFF and GIL interview the staff and patrons of the DINER.

WAITRESS

Fuck you cops. Chris gave me a stack of money so I ain't telling you shit. And don't even BOTHER asking which one--Hemsworth, Evans, Pine, Pratt, Christie, I ain't sayin'.

JEFF BRIDGES

Okay, so bear with me here... what if I gave you some MORE money?

WAITRESS

If you did that? I'd sing like a canary!

JEFF BRIDGES

That makes sense, so instead I'd better take the money Chris gave you, insult you, and generally act like a bastard, so nobody tells me anything. Otherwise I might actually catch a pair of dangerous criminals!

INT. CASINO

CHRIS and BEN convert their stolen cash into CASINO CHIPS.

CHRIS PINE

Remember not to get all hot-headed about this, even though "being the hot-headed one" is kind of your whole deal. I'm gonna sit quietly at the bar for three hours and then cash all these chips back in again, nice and safe.

BEN FOSTER

Right, because that's the NON-suspicious way to behave in a FUCKING CASINO. Me, I'm gonna actually blend in by gambling, picking fights-- y'know, casino stuff?

CASINO GIRL

(to Chris)

Hey stranger. I noticed those engorged caterpillars from across the room, and I thought to myself, "now THERE'S a man who can wash a car with only his brow". Whaddya say we--

BEN FOSTER

AWAY JEZEBEL, MY BROTHER'S FACETRIBBLES ARE NOT FOR THEE

INT. ANOTHER DINER IN A NEW TINY TOWN

JEFF and GIL have lunch.

JEFF BRIDGES

I've decided this tiny town's bank is the perfect target for our outlaws, so we'll just wait here till they show up, you fang-banging toaster.

GIL BIRMINGHAM

Now we're doing the thing where cops can only show affection for each other through horrible racial slurs, huh?

JEFF BRIDGES

That's right, you mudblooded skinjob.

MARGARET BOWMAN

(arriving)

Are you guys ready to order, or can I take a minute to be the most compelling female character in this movie? Not that it's hard, after all Chris's wife is so non-dimensional she doesn't even appear in this abridged script.

GIL BIRMINGHAM

Huh? No, go ahead...

MARGARET BOWMAN

Right, let me start you boys off with a really cool, distinctive scene. And now it's over, so enjoy following the predictable well-worn path to the end of this story!

(leaves)

JEFF BRIDGES

(pause)

Well, shit.

INT. BANK OFFICE

CHRIS and BEN meet with their BANKER.

BANKER

So remember, as long as you get me the remaining money before the deadline, you'll keep the land. Doesn't matter how blood-soaked or meth-infused that money is, or how many bullet holes you have in you when you hand it in. Just get it here. Of course, you knew all that already...

CHRIS PINE

We did, but the audience didn't, so thanks!

(winks to camera)

(discharges 30,000 volts of static electricity)

(camera bursts into flame)

OH SHIT, CUT! CUT! QUICK, SOMEBODY GRAB A FIRE EXT

EXT. DIFFERENT SMALL-TOWN BANK - THE NEXT MORNING

CHRIS and BEN show up to rob the BANK but--

CHRIS PINE

Fuck, it's closed! Despite all our meticulous preparation that maybe should have alerted us to this fact! Well, guess we just move on to the next one we targeted.

BEN FOSTER

No! That won't have enough cash, we need to risk everything by improvising a NEW target at the last second! There's no time to do anything else!

CHRIS PINE

When we planned this we REALLY should have given ourselves a few days' buffer. Serves me right for bailing on that project management course I guess.

EXT. DIFFERENT TOWN

JEFF and GIL are patiently waiting for--

JEFF BRIDGES

Wait! Out of nowhere I have a sudden impulse to switch banks!!

GIL BIRMINGHAM

Seriously? You basically sensed a disturbance in the Force and magically deduced where we should be? We couldn't orchestrate this any better than you suddenly developing psychic powers?

JEFF BRIDGES

Nope!

They DRIVE OVER to the other BANK but CHRIS AND BEN have already robbed it, and are making their GETAWAY!

TOWNSPEOPLE

(chasing)

AW YEAHHH the only thing that's gonna stop those bad guys with guns, is a whole lot of good guys with guns!!

BEN FOSTER

(has much, much bigger gun)

TOWNSPEOPLE

(fleeing, diving for cover)

OR ON SECOND THOUGHT PERHAPS WE SHOULD LEAVE THIS IN THE CAPABLE HANDS OF TRAINED LAW ENFORCEMENT

CHRIS sneaks off with the money while BEN draws all their pursuers after him!

GIL BIRMINGHAM

Looks like Ben's making his last stand on that hill over there. Yep, he's shooting at anyone within range. Hard to see what kind of rifle he's using when it's pointed straight at us though, maybe if I keep watching he'll turn it sidewa

(dead)

JEFF BRIDGES

Nooooo. Argh, I am cantankerous with grief. Hey, you local boys got any ideas how I can get at Ben?

LOCAL GUY

I do! Thanks to my esoteric local knowledge of this terrain, PLUS my doctorates in topography and ballistics, I can point out that next to Ben's hill, is another hill. And it is possible to shoot from one hill, to another.

JEFF BRIDGES

Much obliged!

(kills Ben)

EXT. HIGHWAY CHECKPOINT

Down the highway, CHRIS pulls up at the checkpoint in visible pain from the GUNSHOT WOUND he took during the escape.

HIGHWAY COP

Afternoon. Can I ask where you're headed?

CHRIS PINE

(bleeding out all over car)

Just doing some errands, officer.

HIGHWAY COP

We're on the lookout for two bank robbers on the run, you see.

CHRIS PINE

(deathly pale, trembling)

Can't say as I've seen anything.

HIGHWAY COP

We can't be too careful.

CHRIS PINE

(suffering multiple organ failure)

Naturally.

HIGHWAY COP

(handing back blood-soaked driver's licence)

All right, you be on your way now.

CHRIS PINE

(arm falls off from gangrene)

Thanks.

(drives on)

Phew. But now I still have to somehow make it to the bank before either the cops get wise, or I keel over and die, or--

(succeeds)

Huh?

(no, really, the rest of the plan is over in like three seconds without any more trouble)

Wow.

EXT. CHRIS PINE'S HOUSE -- DAYS LATER

CHRIS is sitting on the porch as JEFF drives up to have their ONLY SCENE TOGETHER, which the TRAILER EDITORS plunder voraciously so WAY TO PUT THE ENDING OF THE MOVIE ALL OVER THE PLACE GUYS, GOOD JOB.

CHRIS PINE

So, you've finally caught up to me, Jeff.

JEFF BRIDGES

Yep. And yet I can't convince anybody in charge to come after you. I'm not even sure why you did all this.

CHRIS PINE

(pause)

SERIOUSLY?!? My land was about to be seized by the bank, I miraculously come up with tons of money at the last minute, nobody's questioning this?!? Despite MY OWN BROTHER having robbed all these banks with a mysterious partner of my height and build, and all that money still being unaccounted for? I went from being shit poor to owning land that has oil, and you can't even take a wild guess at my motives?!? HOLY FUCK PEOPLE. I gave my son a whole "no matter what happens" speech because I thought FOR SURE you'd be dragging me off in chains YESTERDAY. MOTHER FUCKING CHRIST.

(goes inside)

(drags out kitchen table)

(flips table)

JEFF BRIDGES

Um. Yeah. Sooo... maybe we'll shoot it out some day? Find out which one of us gets the last laugh?

CHRIS PINE

I'm sure we will. Unless the movie decides to just end here without resolv

END

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