FADE IN:

INT. BROKEN HOME

DANIEL RADCLIFFE walks around, pouting in a passive manner.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

My foster parents don’t love me. I know because they don’t encourage my satanic gifts of supernatural prowess. I should run away, as any child should if they feel that their parents aren’t adequately encouraging their actualization as a wizard.

FOSTER PARENTS

We don’t love you, Daniel. Frankly, we can’t stand looking at your stupid damn glasses. We love our portly son more.

PIGBOY

I am fat and desperately unlikable. Remember kids, even when bullies pick on you for being a nerd and reading Harry Potter, there are always fat kids to pick on.

Suddenly, SATAN’S EVIL OWLS attack the FOSTER PARENTS and PIGBOY until they beg for mercy.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Maybe you should learn to never pick on a kid with geeky glasses! And all of you damn bullies should learn that, too!

CHILDREN IN AUDIENCE

Yay! Now bullies will know to stop pulling my underpants over my ears! Truly these books and this movie have together given me the confidence to stand up to bullies, since they know better now! How empowering! My how the tables have turned!

PARENTS IN AUDIENCE

Uh…I don’t see anyone watching this movie or reading the books other than pipsqueak losers like you. Perhaps you should hold off on the standing up for yourself thing and just learn to run fast.

ROBBIE COLTRANE

(entering abruptly)

Daniel! I am huge and comical in my hugeness! I am here to take you to Hogwarts, where you can worship Dark Prince Satan with your peers!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Awesome. So long, Shitsville!

ROBBIE COLTRANE

Can you believe it took an hour to get this far? Nothing has even happened yet!

INT. HOGWARTS COMMUNITY COLLEGE

We repeatedly pan out for wide, majestic-looking shots of everything. This is to force a sense of wonder upon CHRIS COLUMBUS’S dull, monotonous direction style.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I’m going to be a wizard! Live vicariously through me, everyone!

ROBBIE COLTRANE

Yes, yes. Now, let’s go shopping at the Wizard Mall, so you can purchase all of the things you will need to become a Wizard. Remember kids, you too can be a wizard like Harry Potter this holiday season! All you need is a wish list, a mall, and a parent with a credit card! And don’t forget, if they don’t buy it, they don’t love you and you should run away to live at Hogwarts!

DANIEL runs into NUMEROUS ANNOYING CHILDREN.

RUPERT GRINT

Hi! I’m an utter buffoon! But I’m so cute in my stupidity that you have to love me, despite how annoying I am.

EMMA WATSON

I’m a vexatious, detestable snob! If that and my high-pitched screech weren’t enough, I seem to serve little purpose other than supply a girl to the story.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Jesus, you’ve had ten seconds of screen time and I already can’t stand either of you.

EMMA WATSON

That’s nothing. We’re protagonists in this story, the villains are even LESS likable than us.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I want to die. Please drive this wand through my skull.

DANIEL learns how to become a WIZARD in a series of semi unrelated scenes that aren’t DRAMATIC, FUNNY, or even particularly INTERESTING.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I’m learning how to cast spells and ride brooms.

Numerous scenes lead to shots featuring COMPUTER GENERATED ANIMATED CHILDREN.

ADULTS IN AUDIENCE

Er.. That’s actually really creepy. I think I’m going to vomit.

These CGI CHILDREN are thrown about as if they were made of RUBBER. The ADULTS IN THE AUDIENCE shuffle uncomfortably in their seats.

For the next HOUR, the FILM SCRIBES scramble to translate each page of the book into screenplay form, resulting in an EMOTIONLESS CHRONICLING OF EVENTS.

CHRIS COLUMBUS

See, what I’m doing here is taking all of the heart of this story and just showing you what I think everything from the book looks like. This way, the element of imagination in children is completely destroyed, without in any way contributing to any child’s sense of wonder or imagination. I’m a complete cretin.

The AUDIENCE OF CHILDREN fails to notice, becoming mindlessly absorbed into CHRIS COLUMBUS’ vision of HARRY POTTER, which is probably less imaginative than the visions of everyone in the AUDIENCE.

FILM EXECUTIVE

Yes yes! Enjoy the film! Stop reading! Return to the world of movies and product merchandising! Victory at last! Muahahahahaha!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Annoying support characters, assemble!

EMMA WATSON AND RUPERT GRINT

Reporting!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

We must uncover some bullshit about a stone and some three headed dog thing. This involves obvious villain Alan Rickman.

They progress through the stages of the real-life version of the Harry Potter Video Game. Eventually, they land on giant chess board.

EMMA WATSON

This is very original.

They play chess. This, sadly, is one of the more interesting moments in the movie, and it’s a fucking game of CHESS.

RUPERT GRINT

Oh no. To win, I must valiantly sacrifice myself. Chess pieces have all been completely destroyed when they were taken before, which means I shall surely die. Goodbye Daniel Radcliffe, it’s been great landing an essentially useless role in your movie.

He sacrifices himself and is knocked onto the floor and hurts himself slightly.

RUPERT GRINT

That wasn’t bad at all.. but if they know I’m conscious, I’ll have to watch the horribly stupid ending coming up.

He pretends to be asleep.

IAN HART

Ha! It is I, the nerdy professor. The bad guy is actually this hideous thing living on the back of my head! You all thought it was Alan Rickman, but you were fooled by your own prejudice!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Truly we were blinded by our own image-based assumptions. We should never judge a book by its cover, or a professor by his sketchy behavior and needlessly unpleasant demeanor.

IAN HART

Now, Daniel Radcliffe, I will destroy you, just like I destroyed your mother and father right in front of you when you were a child!

DANIEL, seething with vengeance, obliterates IAN HART. He cries out in anguish as his life escapes his body, leaving a cold, dead lump of mush.

PARENTS IN AUDIENCE

This is a children’s movie, right?

DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS

Actually, Harry Potter is suitable for all ages! Didn’t you read the books?

PARENTS IN AUDIENCE

Are you kidding me? I have more than one digit in my age. Of course I didn’t read them, fuck the hell off.

DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS

You think you’re so big now. You won’t think it’s so funny to mock me when your damn kids make you sit through my godawful three hour movie a hundred more times.

END