Hancock: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Jul 26th, 2008 | Movie Rating: 
Yeah, Will Smith farts gigantic soaring eagles. You didn't know that?
This script was featured as a Cracked.com guest column. To read it there, go here.
FADE IN:
EXT. LOS ANGELES
A VEHICLE full of STOCK BAD GUYS drives down the highway, shooting COPS and WREAKING HAVOC while trying to outrun a FIVE-STAR WANTED LEVEL. WILL SMITH drunkenly flies to them and hops into their car.
WILL SMITH
Hey fellas. I’m here to display sarcastic attitude in order to show that I totally don’t care about my superpowers or whatever.
BAD GUY
Then why did you bother showing up to stop us at all?
WILL SMITH
Because if I didn’t, Dave Chapelle was going to get the lead in this movie. Nobody steals the July 4th weekend box office from Will Smith!
WILL picks the car up and throws it down on top of a building, destroying the car, the building, and the special effects team’s weekend plans.
WILL SMITH
Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout!
Meanwhile…
INT. OFFICE BUILDING
JASON BATEMAN talks to a group of businessmen.
JASON BATEMAN
…and when you start to give your product away for free, you can put this fruity looking heart logo on your products. What do you think?
BUSINESSMAN
I’m sorry, did someone just splice a different movie into this thing? Why is your PR campaign backstory given so much detail? Who gives a shit?
JASON BATEMAN drives home, but gets stuck on TRAIN TRACKS as a TRAIN approaches. WILL SMITH flies in and saves JASON by DESTROYING THE TRAIN.
BYSTANDERS
Boo! You’re the worst mildly satirical superhero ever! You’re worse than The Tick!
WILL SMITH
Dammit, is this movie going to do anything to explain why I keep trying to help the shit-eating dickwads that inhabit this city?
JASON BATEMAN
I think you could use my help, Will. Your intentions were to do something good, but instead created a massive trainwreck.
WILL SMITH
Are you talking about the train, or this movie?
JASON BATEMAN
The train. I’m a Public Relations something-or-other. I can help you with your image.
WILL SMITH
Er, how exactly do you intend to make any money doing that?
JASON BATEMAN
My plan is just to stay in the movie. When the camera zooms in uncomfortably close during dialogue scenes, I’ll sell advertisement space on my forehead.
WILL and JASON go to JASON’S HOUSE for dinner. JASON’S WIFE, CHARLIZE THERON, gives WILL incessant knowing glances, indicating to everyone in the AUDIENCE with half a brain that she has some kind of prior relationship with him.
WILL SMITH
Thanks for the spaghetti and meatballs. So how did you manage to land a wife so far out of your league, Jason?
JASON BATEMAN
It’s a funny story, actually. See, I thought she was just quirky and British, but it turned out that she was mentally retarded. There was all of this confusion with her uncle, who I thought was named “Mr. F,” and…
CHARLIZE THERON
Will doesn’t want to hear that story, dear.
(to Will Smith)
Tell us how you found out you had superpowers.
WILL SMITH
Well, I just woke up in the hospital with plot-convenient amnesia about my own origin story. Like Wolverine, but poorly written. All I had in my pocket were two tickets to see ‘Frankenstein’ and a few dollar bills that weren’t in circulation at the time. I was asked to sign “John Hancock” when I left the hospital, so I thought that was my name because having amnesia turns me into a moron. When I got out, I whistled for a cab, and when it came near, the license plate said “fresh” and there were dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought “naw forget it, yo home to bel-air!”
The PUBLIC demand that WILL SMITH go to JAIL for ACTING LIKE AN ASSHOLE, which is apparently a crime. He DOES, largely because the story has NOWHERE TO GO.
RANDOM CRIMINAL
Welcome to jail. I’m going to assume that your powers are somehow deactivated now and therefore I am capable of intimidating you.
WILL SMITH
If you don’t get out of my way, I’m going to turn this movie into a cartoon.
WILL literally shoves his head up SOMEONE’S ASS and the SCREENWRITERS race to remove their names from the CREDITS.
JASON BATEMAN
Hey Will. Looks like my plan to have you stay in jail until the plot progressed itself worked. There’s a bank robbery in progress. I have a costume for you.
WILL SMITH
Er, did you make a costume with a permanently popped collar? Does your image-improvement plan just consist of converting me from an asshole into a douchebag?
WILL flies to a BANK ROBBERY and tries to stop EDDIE MARSAN.
EDDIE MARSAN
You’ll never stop me, you typecast asshole!
WILL SMITH
Nobody calls me an asshole!
EDDIE MARSAN
Ah, a graduate of the Marty McFly School of Characterization, I see.
WILL stops EDDIE and sends him off to JAIL, saving the day!
WILL SMITH
Well that takes care of that. All in all, a pretty decent climax to a flawed, uneven, but largely tolerable comic book movie.
(checks his watch)
What the hell, how can we only be 45 minutes into this thing? Everything from the trailer was shown and it had 3 distinct acts!
CHARLIZE THERON
I seriously suggest everyone leave the theater right now and pretend the first half was the whole movie. Things are about to get awful.
WILL SMITH
What, why? This was a relatively fun superhero flick about a sassy but charming loser that must reluctantly learn to become heroic while making sarcastic quips. How could it possibly go wrong?
CHARLIZE THERON
I’m a superhero too. And I’ve been living out a secret identity as a housewife. And we were “made in pairs.” And there used to be hundreds of us. And when we’re near each other, we lose our power. And we’re a thousand years old. And we used to be married.
WILL SMITH
Oh. Yeah. That’ll do it.
WILL and CHARLIZE have a destructive FIGHT through the city for no particular reason. This causes no apparent loss of powers, but then later it DOES.
Meanwhile…
INT. PRISON
EDDIE MARSAN conspires with OTHER CRIMINALS.
EDDIE MARSAN
I’m totally going to get revenge on Will Smith. Help me break out of here and then I’ll go shoot him.
RANDOM CRIMINAL
Shoot him? But you already know he’s invulnerable against bullets.
EDDIE MARSAN
Yeah well, maybe by now there’s been an extremely awkward and idiotic plot twist that renders him weaker than earlier in the movie.
RANDOM CRIMINAL
I dunno, man. That would be pretty fucking embarrassingly stupid. Like, I’d have to assume everyone involved in making the movie would be unable to show their faces in public again for something that retarded.
EDDIE escapes and goes after WILL. WILL gets HURT, which apparently also hurts CHARLIZE THERON.
JASON BATEMAN
Will, don’t forget that this movie was directed by the same guy who made “Very Bad Things.” What’s the stupidest possible explanation for how you can get your powers back?
WILL SMITH
Um, walk a few feet away? Or maybe even super-leap away using powers I don’t have right now?
JASON BATEMAN
Perfect!
WILL leaps away from CHARLIZE and everyone HEALS. EDDIE is DEFEATED and WILL carves JASON’S LAME HEART LOGO into the MOON just to be an ASSHOLE.
WILL SMITH
It’s staggering that a movie that has been in pre-production for a decade could end up feeling so rushed. Why did this piece of garbage get crammed into the summer so quickly?
JASON BATEMAN
Same reason as The Incredible Hulk, Wanted, and Hellboy 2. We needed our comic book movie to make all of it’s money before The Dark Knight came out and spanked everyone. Thanks for the cash, suckers!
WILL SMITH
Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout!
END
Thanks Rod, I made the mistake of renting I Am Legend BEFORE reading the Abridged Script. No way is Will Smith getting my money again.
July 26th, 2008 at 9:17 amFreaking hilarious, Rod is king
July 26th, 2008 at 9:56 amI did not know that he farted soaring eagles. I thought Chuck Norris did.
July 26th, 2008 at 10:03 amYou can’t have a Will Smith movie without at least one (or a dozen) “Aw hell naw”s
July 26th, 2008 at 10:45 amThe biggest plot twist in Hancock is not about his background. It’s that it the movie isn’t funny.
Your script was gold. One of my new favorites.
July 26th, 2008 at 12:28 pmGreat script. Loved the Fresh Prince reference!
I was expecting this movie to be ok but it was just bad.
July 26th, 2008 at 12:34 pmI couldnt stop laughing when I read the Fresh Prince reference. Awesome script.
July 26th, 2008 at 12:47 pmThe Fresh Prince reference pretty much made my day. I’m still laughing. Heh.
July 26th, 2008 at 2:02 pmRita had the coolest hats ever. And she could totally walk on water. Thanks for reminding me of that awesome show!
July 26th, 2008 at 4:51 pmLOL, was the second half of this movie really as ludicrous as the script says? Wow, more money saved. Thanks Rod! :)
July 26th, 2008 at 5:40 pmI know I’m going to get hated for this but you seriously should consider doing a script for The Dark Knight. Don’t get me wrong, it was an awesome movie but when I saw it in theaters, I practically could have written my own script for it. There are plot holes big enough to drive a semi through.
SPOILER WARNING!
The final few minutes should be enough motivation. Joker: Oh, now that you have me completely vulnerable and defenseless, I suppose you’re going to kill me from being such a ruthless bastard.
Batman: No. I never kill. Killing is your way and I will never sink to your level. Killing is bad.
*five seconds later*
Batman: OH MY GOD! Two-Face!
*kills both Two-Face, when he could have just as easily taken the gun out of his hand, and any hope of there being a decent villian in Batman 3*
Thanks a lot assholes, now I have to sit through Batman beating the shit out of the Penguin or *shudders* The Riddler for two hours.
July 26th, 2008 at 6:37 pmHey, even the Cracked readers loved this one! Nice work.
July 26th, 2008 at 7:08 pmEveryone’s going on about the “Fresh Prince” reference, but totally ignoring the more brilliant “Arrested Development” reference. Nice work, Rod!
July 26th, 2008 at 7:25 pmThat Arrested Development reference was great. it made me laugh hard, i remember watchin her on that story arc she was so damn cute… til the retarded twist.
what were they thinking when the did the last 40 minutes of the film i was totally about to walk out but my date kinda liked that twist… i dont’ plan on seein her again, because that proved that she is dumber than charlize on AD
July 26th, 2008 at 10:50 pmwhat arrested development reference
July 27th, 2008 at 12:53 amSo Rod…will you be doing a script for TDK?
Great job, BTW.
July 27th, 2008 at 3:32 amJASON BATEMAN
It’s a funny story, actually. See, I thought she was just quirky and British, but it turned out that she was mentally retarded. There was all of this confusion with her uncle, who I thought was named “Mr. F,” and…
Ahaha, aww, I miss Arrested Development.
I know someone who won tickets to the premiere of this movie and no one wanted to go with them.
July 27th, 2008 at 3:32 amThe Back to the Future referrence in there was truly great! :D
July 27th, 2008 at 5:15 amLet’s all buy director Peter Berg a tripod so his dialogue scenes won’t look the same as his action sequences.
July 27th, 2008 at 6:10 am“The PUBLIC demand that WILL SMITH go to JAIL for ACTING LIKE AN ASSHOLE, which is apparently a crime. He DOES, largely because the story has NOWHERE TO GO.”
Beautiful. Never heard of this film, but that’s no surprise considering I’m avoiding the movie scene except for this site.
July 27th, 2008 at 8:52 amGTA reference ftw.
July 27th, 2008 at 2:53 pm“BYSTANDERS: Boo! You’re the worst mildly satirical superhero ever! You’re worse than The Tick!”
Blasphemy! The Tick is awesome! Which makes Hancock awesome. Can’t wait for the Director’s Cut — and a prequel.
July 27th, 2008 at 4:45 pmGreat script. You should do Cloverfield next.
July 27th, 2008 at 6:10 pmYou forgot the part about how throughout the first half of the movie Carlize Theron dresses like a mother, but when she goes to see Will Smith in this trailor thing, she is dressed like a total slut, with huge go-go boots and a leather jacket, I thought for sure that was a slam dunk.
July 27th, 2008 at 7:03 pm“Everyone’s going on about the “Fresh Prince” reference, but totally ignoring the more brilliant “Arrested Development” reference.”
Sorry, never seen it.
July 27th, 2008 at 7:29 pm@kranktank:
Great Cloverfield request. You should request the Dark Knight next.
July 27th, 2008 at 8:11 pmOh God, what did I start…
July 27th, 2008 at 11:14 pmhahaha!
I thought “while trying to outrun a FIVE-STAR WANTED LEVEL.” was a NFS: Most wanted reference not GTA :)
Great script, thanks Rod.
July 28th, 2008 at 2:00 amAll the reviews I read said their was a great and surprising twist.
July 28th, 2008 at 3:54 am“Sean C Says:
Oh God, what did I start…”
I just don’t understand why we voted if Rod wasn’t going to do Cloverfield next!!!!!!11one
July 28th, 2008 at 7:07 amYAY!!!! That was hilarious! The part when you incorporated the theme song from the The Fresh Prince was freakin’ awesome! Thanks for incorporating my favorite phrase- “Now that’s what I’m talkin ’bout!”
July 28th, 2008 at 7:48 am“When I got out, I whistled for a cab, and when it came near, the license plate said “fresh” and there were dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought “naw forget it, yo home to bel-air!”
Hahahaha, genius, well done Rod.
July 28th, 2008 at 8:01 amHey Evan, ‘great and surprising twist?’ No, just an absolutely retarded attempt at putting some romance in the plot, without adding anymore characters. Christ this movies third act was dumb.
July 28th, 2008 at 8:50 amWhy is everybody saying that Rod should do ‘Cloverfield’ WHEN HE’S ALREADY DONE IT. Christ people, do you not just pay attention?
July 28th, 2008 at 8:52 amSpeaking of which: Rod you should do Cloverfield next.
July 28th, 2008 at 2:21 pmSpellmage: You should do Cloverfield next.
July 28th, 2008 at 3:25 pmGreat script. Your point in the middle was exactly what I thought: the first half of the movie should’ve been the entire thing. They thought of a “great” twist (Theron has powers!) and liked it so much — even though they didn’t have any idea what the follow-through would be — that they ruined the structure of the movie for it.
July 28th, 2008 at 6:56 pmThe cloverfield request thing is an old and tired inside joke.
For those who are wondering…
Anyway, when will we see that cloverfield script?
(harhar!)
July 28th, 2008 at 9:42 pmExtremely well done, Rod. I’m in total agreement with you that the final act of the film was all wrong. The minute Charlize Theron revealed herself to be a superheroine the film began crumbling. A critic spotted that the signs really were there from the beginning, in that - how can you reduce a hot Oscar-winning actress to the simple role of the housewife?
That, and the heart on the moon… Don’t ask.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:59 amYou know what’s crap?
This movie.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:45 amWhy is it that every time I see people crooning about “Fresh Prince” or “robe and wizard hat” references I get flash back images of Beavis and Butthead?
Hmmmm.
Hey! Good script! I never even HEARD of Hancock before this. YASCBM … (yet another summer comic book movie). Almost as much fun as My Super Ex-Girlfriend ;)
July 29th, 2008 at 7:04 amNo, the Fresh Prince reference was good. The Arrested Development reference was GOLD.
Thank you Rod!
July 29th, 2008 at 9:50 am[...] Editing Room deals with Hancock’s problems in a far more witty form than I’ll manage here, go and check it out. I’ll wait, my rage [...]
July 29th, 2008 at 1:42 pm@ Unrelated
I really wouldn’t consider this or My Super Ex Girlfriend as a comic book movie because it wasnt based on one. The correct term is superhero movie.
July 29th, 2008 at 2:43 pmHey Rod, this may be out of context in this article but I just read that you’re intending to make a Dark Knight script. With all respect, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR ******* MIND! How on earth can you make fun of what is quintessentialy a perfect film. Don’t get me wrong, I love your scripts and fully admire your satirical ability, but I don’t know how anyone would be able to make fun of something that had no unintentionally laughable moments.
July 31st, 2008 at 5:41 pmAm I the only one who noticed that he’s had alt text for his images since Sex and the Shitty?
July 31st, 2008 at 5:58 pm“Ah, a graduate of the Marty McFly School of Characterization, I see.”
I loved this.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:44 pm@ Spellmage:
If you think TDK was without folley, you sir bought the hype hook-line-and-sinker. It’s FULL of holes! Just because it’s GOOD doesn’t mean it’s “quintessentially” anything.
The first one was a better film, beginning to end. It, too, was imperfect, but it had more to offer than TDK (minus, of course, Heath’s stellar performance, which I will admit is fully worthy of ALL the praise that’s been lavished upon it).
August 1st, 2008 at 4:51 pm@Random bob: Agreed.
“Quintessentially… perfect,”… ha ha ha!
August 1st, 2008 at 11:15 pmBale’s Batvoice was unintentionally laughable. So was Freeman’s anti-Patriot Act commentary.
Didn’t Batman Begins have a scene where he escaped Arkham using a swarm of deus ex bats? Yeah. Screw Batman Begins.
August 1st, 2008 at 11:41 pm@Sean: Okay, good points… but on the topic of deus ex bats, that is straight out of Batman: Year One. Can’t front on canon.
August 2nd, 2008 at 2:36 amLOVED LOVED LOVED the fresh prince reference. gold
August 2nd, 2008 at 6:30 amOh Dark Knight is totally doable, but the problem is that because it’s so long and there is so much shit happening at once, we forget MOST of the stupid things. If Rod is patient, brings a notepad with him, and sees it maybe, twice, we’ll have a script soon. Just trying to say that the movie being awesome is fresh in our minds, I remember watching movies that I thought were amazing again, and then when it finished I thought “what in the HELL was I thinking?” (although TDK is not one of those cases, but still, the “amazing” overshadows the “stupid”)
Of course, it’s in more demand than Harry Potter is, har har!
(Oh, and about those “CGI Deus Ex bats” - the only thing that I thought was stupid about that, was when they smashed through the windows, but other than that, the scene was awesome.)
August 2nd, 2008 at 9:18 amI can if it clashes distractingly with how “realistic” Christopher Nolan is trying to make Batman. But I’ll refrain from blah-ing any further on it until the Dark Knight script shows up.
Until then, I can’t think of anything else I want to say about Hancock. Rod and the board have all covered the negative aspects and the positive moments are so insignificant that they don’t really deserve a spotlight. God, it really was Blandcock.
August 2nd, 2008 at 1:29 pmI enjoy vagina!
August 2nd, 2008 at 11:21 pmThe Dark Knight has so much to rip apart, and people ranking it as number 1 all time is just asking for it. While I loved the movie, it has some very obvious problems with the writing.
Thanks for the Hancock script rod, just another movie I suspected would be terrible and didn’t see. Thank you for confirming my suspicion.
August 3rd, 2008 at 12:08 pm… Well, no one’s going to top that.
August 3rd, 2008 at 1:19 pmI…. Put up with vagina?
August 3rd, 2008 at 11:16 pmI can see the next titles now: Unwanted and The Dark Spite.
August 4th, 2008 at 4:15 pm“naw forget it, yo home to bel-air!”
fucking white people. don’t quote shit you can’t make out. it’s “yo, homes! to bel-air”. stupid cracker ass cracker!!!
October 9th, 2008 at 12:03 amI LOL’d at the Fresh Prince reference. Love it.
November 29th, 2008 at 11:18 amWHY does the weather start going crazy while Will and Charlize are fighting? How does that make sense? And who was causing it? Charlize? Will? Storm?
December 9th, 2008 at 3:07 pmCliche
December 17th, 2008 at 11:24 pmIt was ok…
December 22nd, 2008 at 9:11 pmits/it’s
January 3rd, 2009 at 1:27 pm