The latest DLC for Team Fortress 2's "The Heavy" may have taken things too far.


The latest DLC for Team Fortress 2's "The Heavy" may have taken things too far.

GREEN LANTERN

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. AEROSPACE LAB

JAY O. SANDERS is talking with SENATOR TIM ROBBINS.

JAY O. SANDERS

Welcome, Senator! To convince you to buy my A.I.-controlled planes I'm pitting them against my two best pilots, one of whom happens to be my daughter and the eventual heiress to this company!

TIM ROBBINS

Nothing fishy about that, I eagerly await the extremely objective results!

RYAN REYNOLDS arrives late and runs to the locker room to take his shirt off as many times as possible. BLAKE LIVELY enters.

BLAKE LIVELY

Ryan, you're late! Also we've slept together because that's how totally super cool you are!

RYAN REYNOLDS

(smirking)

I know this test today is important, that's why I drove here as quickly as I could while simultaneously wrapping a birthday present for the scene after this one for some reason.

RYAN and BLAKE hop into FIGHTER JETS to face off against THE PLANES FROM "STEALTH."

RYAN REYNOLDS

(smirking)

These robot planes are too fast! I'm going to fly up into space so that they shut down! This is entirely unlike Iron Man!

He DOES. The ROBOT JETS stall and plummet to earth.

JAY O. SANDERS

Seriously? None of my programmers thought to make a subroutine for handling a stall?

TAIKA WAITITI

Sorry sir, if it makes you feel better the log file is currently filling up with messages saying "todo: fix this"

RAY O. SANDERS

Ryan, you're fired! I'll never sell these planes as long as people know about their one weakness: enemy combatants that are willing to commit suicide and destroy their own planes!

RYAN goes to his NEPHEW'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.

RANDOM KID

Uncle Ryan! Did you fly totally awesome planes today? It's so cool that I'm this close to my uncle and look up to him so much! I bet this relationship becomes really meaningful after you become a superhero, huh?

RYAN REYNOLDS

(smirking)

Actually you won't be in the movie again.

RANDOM KID

Wait, what? Why is this scene even here?

RYAN REYNOLDS

(smirking)

So I can notice your toy racetrack and remember it later so I can build a track to save people.

RANDOM KID

Oh, like from an out of control car?

RYAN REYNOLDS

(smirking)

No, from an out of control helicopter. But I land it on a car that I create. Which also goes out of control.

RANDOM KID

You're an idiot.

Suddenly, RYAN is engulfed in a GIANT SNOT BUBBLE and transported to the CRASHED SHIP of TEMUERA MORRISON.

TEMUERA MORRISON

I am an alien in the Green Lantern corps. I'm dying, so I sent my magical ring to find your planet's bravest inhabitant and it chose you.

(dies)

RYAN REYNOLDS

(smirking)

Dude, I live like 10 miles away. Your ring is lazy as fuck.

RYAN goes to a bar and gets beaten up by EX-COWORKERS. He uses his ring to make a FIST that punches his assailants through solid brick walls.

RYAN REYNOLDS

(smirking)

Soooo, my first heroic act as The Green Lantern is nearly murdering three guys who were walking AWAY from a fight. Lovely.

Another SNOT BUBBLE whisks him to planet OA, named in honor of the first Green Lantern to ever cheat at SCRABBLE.

EXT. PLANET OA

RYAN wakes up in a SKINTIGHT GREEN CGI UNITARD. He is greeted by CGI GEOFFREY RUSH.

CGI RYAN REYNOLDS

(smirking)

What is this place? It looks so... fake. Seriously, how far does a live-action movie have to go before it's considered a cartoon? Did someone paste my face into a Pixar movie?

CGI GEOFFREY RUSH

Welcome to Oa, home of the Green Lantern Corps. You see, the universe is divided into 3,600 sectors, each with its own Green Lantern.

CGI RYAN REYNOLDS

(smirking)

The universe has over 100 billion galaxies in it, so is each Green Lantern responsible for 27 million galaxies apiece?

CGI GEOFFREY RUSH

I guess. Anyway, your ring allows you to conjure up any object you desire. The only limit to a Green Lantern's power is his imagination.

CGI RYAN REYNOLDS

(smirking)

Okay, I imagine a world without evil.

CGI GEOFFREY RUSH

The only limit to a Green Lantern's power is the screenwriter's imagination.

CGI RYAN REYNOLDS

(smirking)

Oh. Look, I made swords and guns!

CGI GEOFFREY RUSH

The ring has entrusted you with great responsibility, as the Green Lantern Corps are secretly the protectors of all life.

CGI RYAN REYNOLDS

(smirking)

That is entirely unlike Thor! So, what's my new superhero weakness?

CGI GEOFFREY RUSH

The color yellow.

CGI RYAN REYNOLDS

(smirking)

Ha ha, no seriously, what is it?

CGI GEOFFREY RUSH

Yellow. Anything yellow. School buses, taxis, yellow peppers, pencils, dandelions, phone books, highlighters, McDonald's logos, magnetic ribbons, SpongeBob SquarePants, Pacman, sunlight...

CGI RYAN REYNOLDS

(smirking)

Okay, okay, I get it, I'll drink a lot of water before the next time I piss.

RYAN is confronted by CGI MARK STRONG.

CGI MARK STRONG

I sense great fear in you, Ryan. The lifeline is divided into two polar extremes, Fear and Willpower. Fear is in the negative energy spectrum and Willpower is in the positive energy spectrum.

CGI RYAN REYNOLDS

(smirking)

I'm guessing from the fact that you look like a little red demon with a pedophile mustache and your name is basically the word "sinister" that you're the bad guy.

CGI MARK STRONG

You must not have been paying attention during the movie's opening voiceover. Just to test the audience's patience, allow me to explain all of it a second time. There is a creature that thrives on fear named Parallax, and he is destroying planets, which is entirely unlike The Fantastic Four. He's the villain now, I won't be until the sequel.

CGI RYAN REYNOLDS

(smirking)

Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha, you think there's going to be a sequel to this? I'll be lucky if this trainwreck doesn't obliterate my chances at a Deadpool movie. Anyway, when do I meet up with all of those weird aliens that the movie posters imply are on my team?

CGI GEOFFREY RUSH

You don't. I have about twenty lines. Nobody else has any except this guy, who has three.

CGI MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN

Hello. FUCK, two left!

RYAN REYNOLDS trains for a bit, but it's HARD.

CGI RYAN REYNOLDS

(sincere)

Look, this is just too much responsibility for me. I'm sorry, but I quit. And this is entirely unlike Spider-Man 2.

CGI GEOFFREY RUSH

Oh, okay. Well, I guess we'll go ahead and not bother taking back the ring. You just keep that, like an all-powerful souvenir of your ten-minute stay on Oa.

EXT. EARTH

RYAN REYNOLDS goes to talk to his friend TAIKA WAITITI.

TAIKA WAITITI

Hey Ryan! How's my favorite awesome pilot who acts super-cocky to compensate for emotional issues relating to his pilot father and occasionally experiences panic while in the cockpit due to the death of someone close to him?

RYAN REYNOLDS

(smirking)

Great! I'm a superhero now, check out my skintight green pulsing glowing costume!

TAIKA WAITITI

Wow, I didn't think it was possible to make a more flamboyant version of Top Gun than Top Gun itself, but here you are. Congrats.

Suddenly, the ironically-named BLAKE LIVELY enters.

BLAKE LIVELY

Ryan? What are you doing in that suit?

CGI RYAN REYNOLDS

(smirking)

Okay, what's the point of the mask if people can just instantly identify me? I was just saying, I'm a superhero now, Blake.

(sincere)

Except I quit, because I totally suck.

BLAKE LIVELY

No, you don't! You're awesome!

CGI RYAN REYNOLDS

(sincere)

Really? You think so?

TAIKA WAITITI

Yeah Ryan, you're the best!

BLAKE LIVELY

The super best!

CGI RYAN REYNOLDS

(sincere)

Thanks guys! I'm gonna stop the forces of fear with my magical green ring of willpower holy fuck I just realized how stupid the entire idea for this comic book character sounds.

PARALLAX invades EARTH and infects PETER SKARSGARD, who goes BANANAS, which are YELLOW.

PETER SKARSGUARD

I've always loved her, Ryan! But you got in the way!

CGI RYAN REYNOLDS

(smirking)

Ummm, are there a bunch of scenes between us that got deleted?

PETER SKARSGUARD

I think the three of us may have been school friends or something.

CGI RYAN REYNOLDS

(smirking)

Uh-huh. Blake would have been in preschool when you were graduating.

PETER SKARSGUARD

Either way, there's clearly a deep history between us that ties in with my issues of insecurity. I'm the most complex person in this movie, so I look forward to exploring my character over the course of--

(eaten by Parallax)

CGI RYAN REYNOLDS

I AM BRAVE, AND I WILL STOP YOU, BIG YELLOW CLOUD WITH A SKELETON ALIEN FACE!

RYAN uses INCREASINGLY SILLY THINGS to drive PARALLAX out into space, within a few yards of THE FUCKING SUN.

PARALLAX

I hope that stupid green mask of yours has UV protection.

CGI RYAN REYNOLDS

(sincere)

In brightest day, and blackest night...

PARALLAX

Oh Jesus, are we really including this? Seriously?

CGI REYNOLDS

(extra sincere)

...no evil shall escape my sight...

PARALLAX

There aren't even any Green Lantern fans in the world to disappoint by dropping this, for fuck's sake!

CGI RYAN REYNOLDS

(super duper sincere)

...let those who worship evil's might, beware my power...

PARALLAX

BEWARE your power? Aren't you advocating fear, numbnuts?

CGI RYAN REYNOLDS

(deep breath)

GREEN LANTERN'S MOTHERFUCKING LIGHT!

RYAN punches PARALLAX into the SUN with ANOTHER BIG GREEN PUNCHY FIST.

PARALLAX

This is entirely unlike Superman IV!

(dies)

BLAKE LIVELY

Pushing Parallax into the sun kills him? Why the hell didn't the purple alien push his asteroid prison into the sun six months ago?

RYAN REYNOLDS

(smirking)

The real question is, why the hell did rising stars like us attach ourselves to the new worst superhero movie of all time?

BLAKE LIVELY

Well, I was hoping to get my own Star Sapphire spinoff.

RYAN REYNOLDS

(smirking)

Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha, you think there's going to be a--

BLAKE LIVELY

"Elektra."

RYAN REYNOLDS

(sincere)

Oh fuck.

END


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