Clint Eastwood will defend with lethal force his right to pull his pants up to his chest.


Clint Eastwood will defend with lethal force his right to pull his pants up to his chest.

GRAN TORINO

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. CLINT EASTWOOD'S HOUSE - DETROIT, OH

CLINT EASTWOOD'S FAMILY mills around his home after a funeral for his wife. He is approached by his wife's priest, CHRISTOPHER CARLEY.

CHRISTOPHER CARLEY

I notice you're walking around grumbling and scowling at everything. Maybe you should come to confession, you seem like a relentlessly miserable asshole.

CLINT EASTWOOD

(scowling)

Yeah well, at least I don't look like Conan O'Brien and Andy Richter's kid. Grr.

CLINT goes to his garage and finds his granddaughter, DREAMA WALKER, smoking a cigarette.

DREAMA WALKER

Hey, you sure have a nice car.

CLINT EASTWOOD

(scowling)

This is my prized possession, a 1972 Gran Torino. I helped build these on the assembly line, which I guess means I commuted 2 hours to work since they were built in Lorain, not Detroit where I live.

DREAMA WALKER

That's cool. You know, I need a car in college. You planning on giving this to me when you, you know, Million Dollar Baby it out of here?

CLINT EASTWOOD

(scowling)

Seriously? Not even the most disrespectful little asswipe in the world would ask her grandfather to his face what she'll get when he dies. Who directed this shit?

DREAMA WALKER

You did. I could also use your belt sander and your reciprocating saw, too.

INT. CLINT EASTWOOD'S HOUSE - NIGHT

A Hmong teenager who lives next door, BEE VANG, breaks into CLINT's garage to steal the GRAN TORINO.

CLINT EASTWOOD

(scowling)

Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing with my car you yellow gook slope?

BEE VANG

I was just going to install a spoiler and hover lights, I swear!

CLINT EASTWOOD

(scowling)

Well get the hell out before I blow your rice pancake head clean off, lego!

BEE VANG

I'm not even familiar with half of the things you're calling me, but I think it's safe to assume they're racist as hell. I'll leave.

The next day, BEE'S SISTER, AHNEY HER, comes over to the house.

AHNEY HER

My brother told me what happened. I just want you to know that the reason he tried to steal your car is that a Hmong gang demanded he do it or they'd kick his ass.

CLINT EASTWOOD

(scowling)

Buncha no-good ping-pang plate tossers! Grr!

AHNEY HER

Right. Anyway, he wanted you to know he's really sorry and he'll work for you for one month to make amends.

CLINT EASTWOOD

(scowling)

Would use would I have for a nine-iron oriental? I don't need to do any calculus or anything, har har!

AHNEY HER

Jesus, make him fix your house up or something, you walking self-parody.

CLINT EASTWOOD

(scowling)

You graciously tolerate my over-the-top racism, which makes me respect you.

AHNEY HER

Then come over to my house for the world's most awkward barbecue. Have you eaten anything today?

CLINT EASTWOOD

Just some Metamucil.

He goes over to his neighbor's house. He enjoys all of the food and meets lots of nice people.

CLINT EASTWOOD

Hey, I hate you nuprins far less than I expected to. Basically, I can be bought off with dumplings. Oh, "dumplings," that's another racist thing I could call you.

AHNEY HER

Since you seem to be having such a good time with the adults, you should go downstairs and watch a bunch of Hmong teenagers play Pokemon or whatever the hell it is we do.

CLINT EASTWOOD

Despite the fact that even a Hmong guy my age related to you would find that to be absolute torture, I'll go along with it.

He goes downstairs and finds BEE eyeballing some girl. She smiles at him but then eventually leaves with three guys.

CLINT EASTWOOD

(scowling)

Why'd you just sit there and let that girl go off to get bukakke'd by those three dudes? Is it because your name is "Bee"? Have a backbone, man!

BEE VANG

I don't know how to talk to girls. If only a grizzled old man would take me under his wing to teach me how to be manly. And by "manly" I mean "unpleasant and abrasive."

CLINT EASTWOOD

I suppose I could do that. Your first lesson is racial slurs, Wang Chung.

MR. MIYAGI, er, CLINT EASTWOOD trains DANIEL-SAN, er, BEE VANG in the ways of MARTIAL ARTS, er, MACHONESS AND CONSTRUCTION so that he can stand up to COBRA KAI, er, THE HMONG GANG and win the heart of ELIZABETH SHUE, er, SOME CHICK WITH NO LINES.

CLINT EASTWOOD

You're coming along so well, Bee. For your next lesson, I'm going to teach you how you can help other men relate to you by talking about people, such as mechanics or Uncle Sam, brutally sodomizing you. Men really connect with that stuff.

BEE VANG

Forget it, Clint! That Hmong gang beat me up and broke all of my tools! I tried to hang a shelf yesterday and it's totally crooked now!

CLINT EASTWOOD

I guess I'll have to go over there and teach them a lesson just as soon as The Price is Right is over.

CLINT goes to the gang's hideout and beats the shit out of the fat guy least capable of defending himself against a senior citizen.

CLINT EASTWOOD

(scowling)

If I ever catch you bothering Bee or anyone in his family ever again I'll come back here and make you dinks sit through "Space Cowboys!"

To CLINT's amazement, the violent gang responds to this threat with violence! They rape AHNEY and shoot BEE'S HOUSE.

Just in case the audience forgot about him, CHRISTOPHER CARLEY visits CLINT.

CHRISTOPHER CARLEY

I heard about what happened and thought it was the perfect opportunity to pester you about confession again.

CLINT EASTWOOD

(scowling)

Fine. My confession is that I think my spoiled-ass kids are dipshits and I love my adopted Hmong family more. Even when they counter my cross-ups with wake-up shoryukens in Street Fighter.

CHRISTOPHER CARLEY

Totally understandable, your real family sucks balls. You're a good man, Clint. And I want you to know I think it's really admirable that you cast a bunch of unknown kids in this movie.

CLINT EASTWOOD

(scowling)

Admirable nothing. I just want to win a god damned Best Actor Oscar before I die and these talentless newcomers make me look great. Growl.

BEE comes over to CLINT's house, extremely upset.

BEE VANG

Come on, Clint! Let's go kill those motherfuckers!

CLINT EASTWOOD

I'm not sure that when you're recruiting people to take on a violent gang you want to start with a geriatric, but let's take a look at my weapons in the basement.

BEE follows CLINT into the basement, where CLINT locks the door, trapping BEE.

CLINT EASTWOOD

(scowling)

You don't want to kill anyone, Bee. I know what that's like. I murdered audience members with "Absolute Power." I'm going over there alone.

BEE VANG

WHAT?! Let me out of here you cracker-jack yakoo trog clampett caulkie linthead white-fig frosty pastyface mullethead golden-toe whitebread brady cracker baijo hoopie aryan crisco redneck powder wasp hillbilly mayflower anglo goober opie casper vanilla white-trash marshmallow bunker honkey flour-bag flat-ass blowfish confederate whitey roundeye khao-khao hay-seed peckerwood!

CLINT EASTWOOD

'Attaboy.

CLINT goes to the gang's house and makes a ruckus. All of the neighbors watch CLINT confront the gang.

CLINT EASTWOOD

(scowling)

Your days are numbered! Let me just reach into my pocket and pull out my lighter that is not a gun at all...

Thinking CLINT is reaching for a gun, the GANG shoots him repeatedly. BEE and AHNEY arrive just as the POLICE are arresting the GANG MEMBERS.

POLICE OFFICER

Don't worry. With all of these witnesses, these guys are going to jail for a long, long time. We're talking at least four months. Maybe six if we're lucky.

AHNEY HER

I guess this was Clint's plan all along.

BEE VANG

What, "let them commit crimes until there are enough witnesses that they go to jail?" That's not a plan, that's just the thing that happens eventually!

AHNEY HER

Give the guy a break. He didn't have time to write a decent ending, he was too busy directing, starring in, and scoring it.

BEE VANG

Scoring it? Yeah right, what's he gonna do, sing a ballad about his Gran Torino over the credits or something?

He DOES. Really, that HAPPENS.

END

Discussion