Gran Torino: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Mar 11th, 2009 |
80 Comments
| Movie: 
Clint Eastwod will defend with lethal force his right to pull his pants up to his chest.
FADE IN:
INT. CLINT EASTWOOD’S HOUSE – DETROIT, OH
CLINT EASTWOOD’S FAMILY mills around his home after a funeral for his wife. He is approached by his wife’s priest, CHRISTOPHER CARLEY.
CHRISTOPHER CARLEY
I notice you’re walking around grumbling and scowling at everything. Maybe you should come to confession, you seem like a relentlessly miserable asshole.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(scowling)
Yeah well, at least I don’t look like Conan O’Brien and Andy Richter’s kid. Grr.
CLINT goes to his garage and finds his granddaughter, DREAMA WALKER, smoking a cigarette.
DREAMA WALKER
Hey, you sure have a nice car.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(scowling)
This is my prized possession, a 1972 Gran Torino. I helped build these on the assembly line, which I guess means I commuted 2 hours to work since they were built in Lorain, not Detroit where I live.
DREAMA WALKER
That’s cool. You know, I need a car in college. You planning on giving this to me when you, you know, Million Dollar Baby it out of here?
CLINT EASTWOOD
(scowling)
Seriously? Not even the most disrespectful little asswipe in the world would ask her grandfather to his face what she’ll get when he dies. Who directed this shit?
DREAMA WALKER
You did. I could also use your belt sander and your reciprocating saw, too.
INT. CLINT EASTWOOD’S HOUSE – NIGHT
A Hmong teenager who lives next door, BEE VANG, breaks into CLINT’s garage to steal the GRAN TORINO.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(scowling)
Hey, what the hell do you think you’re doing with my car you yellow gook slope?
BEE VANG
I was just going to install a spoiler and hover lights, I swear!
CLINT EASTWOOD
(scowling)
Well get the hell out before I blow your rice pancake head clean off, lego!
BEE VANG
I’m not even familiar with half of the things you’re calling me, but I think it’s safe to assume they’re racist as hell. I’ll leave.
The next day, BEE’S SISTER, AHNEY HER, comes over to the house.
AHNEY HER
My brother told me what happened. I just want you to know that the reason he tried to steal your car is that a Hmong gang demanded he do it or they’d kick his ass.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(scowling)
Buncha no-good ping-pang plate tossers! Grr!
AHNEY HER
Right. Anyway, he wanted you to know he’s really sorry and he’ll work for you for one month to make amends.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(scowling)
Would use would I have for a nine-iron oriental? I don’t need to do any calculus or anything, har har!
AHNEY HER
Jesus, make him fix your house up or something, you walking self-parody.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(scowling)
You graciously tolerate my over-the-top racism, which makes me respect you.
AHNEY HER
Then come over to my house for the world’s most awkward barbecue. Have you eaten anything today?
CLINT EASTWOOD
Just some Metamucil.
He goes over to his neighbor’s house. He enjoys all of the food and meets lots of nice people.
CLINT EASTWOOD
Hey, I hate you nuprins far less than I expected to. Basically, I can be bought off with dumplings. Oh, “dumplings,” that’s another racist thing I could call you.
AHNEY HER
Since you seem to be having such a good time with the adults, you should go downstairs and watch a bunch of Hmong teenagers play Pokemon or whatever the hell it is we do.
CLINT EASTWOOD
Despite the fact that even a Hmong guy my age related to you would find that to be absolute torture, I’ll go along with it.
He goes downstairs and finds BEE eyeballing some girl. She smiles at him but then eventually leaves with three guys.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(scowling)
Why’d you just sit there and let that girl go off to get bukakke’d by those three dudes? Is it because your name is “Bee”? Have a backbone, man!
BEE VANG
I don’t know how to talk to girls. If only a grizzled old man would take me under his wing to teach me how to be manly. And by “manly” I mean “unpleasant and abrasive.”
CLINT EASTWOOD
I suppose I could do that. Your first lesson is racial slurs, Wang Chung.
MR. MIYAGI, er, CLINT EASTWOOD trains DANIEL-SAN, er, BEE VANG in the ways of MARTIAL ARTS, er, MACHONESS AND CONSTRUCTION so that he can stand up to COBRA KAI, er, THE HMONG GANG and win the heart of ELIZABETH SHUE, er, SOME CHICK WITH NO LINES.
CLINT EASTWOOD
You’re coming along so well, Bee. For your next lesson, I’m going to teach you how you can help other men relate to you by talking about people, such as mechanics or Uncle Sam, brutally sodomizing you. Men really connect with that stuff.
BEE VANG
Forget it, Clint! That Hmong gang beat me up and broke all of my tools! I tried to hang a shelf yesterday and it’s totally crooked now!
CLINT EASTWOOD
I guess I’ll have to go over there and teach them a lesson just as soon as The Price is Right is over.
CLINT goes to the gang’s hideout and beats the shit out of the fat guy least capable of defending himself against a senior citizen.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(scowling)
If I ever catch you bothering Bee or anyone in his family ever again I’ll come back here and make you dinks sit through “Space Cowboys!”
To CLINT’s amazement, the violent gang responds to this threat with violence! They rape AHNEY and shoot BEE’S HOUSE.
Just in case the audience forgot about him, CHRISTOPHER CARLEY visits CLINT.
CHRISTOPHER CARLEY
I heard about what happened and thought it was the perfect opportunity to pester you about confession again.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(scowling)
Fine. My confession is that I think my spoiled-ass kids are dipshits and I love my adopted Hmong family more. Even when they counter my cross-ups with wake-up shoryukens in Street Fighter.
CHRISTOPHER CARLEY
Totally understandable, your real family sucks balls. You’re a good man, Clint. And I want you to know I think it’s really admirable that you cast a bunch of unknown kids in this movie.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(scowling)
Admirable nothing. I just want to win a god damned Best Actor Oscar before I die and these talentless newcomers make me look great. Growl.
BEE comes over to CLINT’s house, extremely upset.
BEE VANG
Come on, Clint! Let’s go kill those motherfuckers!
CLINT EASTWOOD
I’m not sure that when you’re recruiting people to take on a violent gang you want to start with a geriatric, but let’s take a look at my weapons in the basement.
BEE follows CLINT into the basement, where CLINT locks the door, trapping BEE.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(scowling)
You don’t want to kill anyone, Bee. I know what that’s like. I murdered audience members with “Absolute Power.” I’m going over there alone.
BEE VANG
WHAT?! Let me out of here you cracker-jack yakoo trog clampett caulkie linthead white-fig frosty pastyface mullethead golden-toe whitebread brady cracker baijo hoopie aryan crisco redneck powder wasp hillbilly mayflower anglo goober opie casper vanilla white-trash marshmallow bunker honkey flour-bag flat-ass blowfish confederate whitey roundeye khao-khao hay-seed peckerwood!
CLINT EASTWOOD
‘Attaboy.
CLINT goes to the gang’s house and makes a ruckus. All of the neighbors watch CLINT confront the gang.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(scowling)
Your days are numbered! Let me just reach into my pocket and pull out my lighter that is not a gun at all…
Thinking CLINT is reaching for a gun, the GANG shoots him repeatedly. BEE and AHNEY arrive just as the POLICE are arresting the GANG MEMBERS.
POLICE OFFICER
Don’t worry. With all of these witnesses, these guys are going to jail for a long, long time. We’re talking at least four months. Maybe six if we’re lucky.
AHNEY HER
I guess this was Clint’s plan all along.
BEE VANG
What, “let them commit crimes until there are enough witnesses that they go to jail?” That’s not a plan, that’s just the thing that happens eventually!
AHNEY HER
Give the guy a break. He didn’t have time to write a decent ending, he was too busy directing, starring in, and scoring it.
BEE VANG
Scoring it? Yeah right, what’s he gonna do, sing a ballad about his Gran Torino over the credits or something?
He DOES. Really, that HAPPENS.
END
I just wanted to thank Peter Ko for explaining that Street Fighter reference to me.
March 11th, 2009 at 9:45 amMeh, this film sounds exceedingly average. Clint Eastwood needs to just toddle off to a retirement home, watch endless repeats of Dirty Harry films and ramble on about the good old days.
And Rod, you forgot to say ‘First!’ like a complete idiot.
March 11th, 2009 at 12:07 pmThird!
March 11th, 2009 at 12:59 pm“Attaboy!” That’s priceless.
March 11th, 2009 at 1:41 pm“Buncha no-good ping-pang plate tossers! Grr!”
March 11th, 2009 at 4:16 pmClassic!
Oh my god, Bee’s rant near the end is awesome. Keep up the good work you marshmallow bunker honkey flour-bag. ;D
March 11th, 2009 at 4:27 pmThat was ace Rod. I really enjoyed the film. I was dreading it being a Dirty Harry style Rambo remake with Clint just being old and shooting people. Thought you could have made more out of the blatant symbolism at the end. Could he be more Jesus? All in all though a suprisingly thoughtful and interesting flick that didn’t try to change the world but left you leaving the cinema feeling a little better about life
March 11th, 2009 at 7:26 pmNot your best abridged script, but the rant is very good.
note: i liked gran torino. But yes, very little point to it.
March 11th, 2009 at 8:07 pmThat was great! I hope Watchmen is next. I check your site daily and read every movie in the archives. Amazing! There are none that aret hilarious! Even the movies I like are great when you bash-em! Great work sir. Thank Ýou. Please keep em comin’.
March 11th, 2009 at 9:05 pm“Hay-seed peckerwood” is now going in my insult repertoire.
March 11th, 2009 at 9:34 pmI coincidentally managed to watch this last night in time for the sudden posting of this. Movie was okay I guess but mainly I’m surprised that you managed to write such a long (and good) script for it. Good show.
March 11th, 2009 at 9:40 pmWhat, is every martyr Jesus these days?
March 11th, 2009 at 11:26 pmI loved him singing at the end. It was the most surreal set of closing credits ever.
“wubba wub dub moody ma….siggy doo bow Gran Torino…”
I’m pretty sure those are the lyrics.
March 12th, 2009 at 12:00 amAhhh camaaan all mighty Rod! i’m waiting on pins and needles for the Barry Trotter AbScrips.. I’m planing on creating a play in the university :)
March 12th, 2009 at 3:27 amI’d have to agree with Doc Savage. I was pleasantly surprised by how enjoyable the film was, though there wasn’t much point to it, and yes, this wasn’t your best abridged script. But it did have its moments, like the references to Clint’s previous films and the last few lines.
March 12th, 2009 at 4:15 amOh my god, this movie sounds awful. I mean, yeah, The Editing Room EDITS it and all, but dear lord …
March 12th, 2009 at 5:43 amThe worst part about this movie were the trailers, which made it seem like it was going to be “Death Wish,” but with an aging Eastwood instead of Charles Bronson. False advertising! Totally made me waste my money on it.
March 12th, 2009 at 6:12 amDear lord. I think I have to swear off this site until I SEE the movies…
Rod, yours & my taste in movies seems rather similar; your 1-stars are my half-stars, your 4-stars are my 5-stars, etc.
Which makes reading the abridged versions of movies I think I want to see rather sucky sometimes! cuz I”m pretty sure the ending’s supposed to be some measure of surprise, and now, aghast, it will not be so!
maybe I’ll just avoid the 3+ star rated scripts until I’ve seen them.
(/rant)
March 12th, 2009 at 10:20 amThanks for not caving into all the “Harry Potter” demands. Nobody really cares if you abridge them or not. Keep keeping it original, Rod.
March 12th, 2009 at 5:51 pmThe best thing about this movie was that it wasn’t Death Note with an aged Eastwood. It was instead a pretty competently put together film about a small community. Didn’t change the world but in the last few years when every movie seems to have to encompass all of mankind in its plot, sometimes it’s nice to have a sleepy flick surprise you with it’s lack of people being shot
March 12th, 2009 at 7:32 pmJonberg Says:
“…Death Note with an aged Eastwood”
No there’s an idea! Eastwood as an elderly Kira and perhaps John Hurt as L?
March 13th, 2009 at 12:33 amwohohohoooooo, Damon you should save som asskissing for the rest of the web, nobody cares huh? is that why he does it by request from majority via vote?
March 13th, 2009 at 2:03 amI really do wonder if “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” is just there so that Rod looks like he’s working on something. I also wonder if it bothers him seeing it there, all “incomplete”.
March 13th, 2009 at 10:19 pmWell I think Rod said he was obligated to make one of these things every few weeks for some magazine, and his choice of film doesn’t depend on chatter around here, but on what the magazine will allow him to turn in. Or something like that.
March 14th, 2009 at 1:03 amNo wonder this movie wasn’t nominated. Not because it was controversial or racist, but just because it was lame. Not that that JAI-HO! shit was any better.
March 15th, 2009 at 6:25 ami like the movie, it doesnt save the world but it will do. I hate pretentious movie of late.
March 16th, 2009 at 5:29 amOh Rod, you’re so comically full of hate!
You skipped the awkward montage of the boy working in various states of undress while Clint looks semi-longingly on.
I’m surprised it didn’t get a screenplay nom, that’s about all I expected out of it, although I really did like the movie. But it definitely picked the wrong year to come out: 2008 was a goddamn GREAT year for movies.
March 17th, 2009 at 3:57 pmHow subjective opinions are. My personal opinion is that, apart from Wall-E and The Wrestler, 2008 was one of the most mediocre years for movies in recent memory. And Gran Torino was particularly mediocre, if not downright bad.
March 22nd, 2009 at 6:12 amCLINT goes to the gang’s hideout and beats the shit out of the fat guy least capable of defending himself against a senior citizen.
That. Was. Hysterical.
March 22nd, 2009 at 2:05 pmI literally dropped out of my seat laughing so hard.
Wow. This is just terrible. Nothing redeemable about it. I guess once you go ad hominem, you never go back.
Rod, you should just stop. The money in this can’t be THAT good.
March 22nd, 2009 at 2:11 pmno! You quit ted lancer! Rod is the best kind of person ever and he is the best ever and i want to know what the hell youve done with your life. I love rod. If he put his penis out it would go from a to z and yours would only make it to b!
March 22nd, 2009 at 3:21 pm>I guess once you go ad hominem, you never go back.
waaaaaa
>pull his pants up to his chest
Clint Eastwood hates urban blacks?
March 22nd, 2009 at 9:39 pmMr. Hendrix,
Ad hominem is a bland grain served with butter for breakfast, traditionally given to those who offend you personally though you cannot criticize their works coherently. Ted Lancer has suggested that since “Gran Torino” isn’t actually a bad film, it cannot be mocked on its own merits and Rod has resorted to serving ad hominem to the famously subtle and virile actor Clinton Eastwood.
As for the pants comment, this refers to the popular perception of an old man wearing his belt high on his torso as his buttocks degenerate. This, of course, has nothing to do with Mr. Eastwood, who is nowhere near decrepitude and has sufficiently firm and thrusting buttocks with which to hold up his trousers. I hope you find yourself a little more enlightened.
March 23rd, 2009 at 9:22 amCraig:
I should have worded my post better. I didn’t mean to suggest that “Gran Torino” cannot be mocked on its own merits (it’s a very good, but imperfect film). I meant that Roddy in lieu of actual points, used ad hominem attacks almost exclusively throughout his script as a way of attempting to get laughs.
Also, were you being sarcastic or serious with your “famously subtle and virile” line? I could understand either way.
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:28 pmTed,
Could you give me an example of an ad hominem attack from the script?
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:34 pmyou seem like a relentlessly miserable asshole.
Yeah well, at least I don’t look like Conan O’Brien and Andy Richter’s kid. Grr.
“Who directed this shit?
You did.”
Jesus, make him fix your house up or something, you walking self-parody.
Admirable nothing. I just want to win a god damned Best Actor Oscar before I die and these talentless newcomers make me look great.
March 24th, 2009 at 2:45 pmTed,
Just as I expected, you have no idea what an Ad Hominem attack is. None of those examples are ad hominem attacks.
If I say “Your criticism of the script is flawed because you are using ‘Ad Hominem’ incorrectly, you pompous windbag,” that is not an ad hominem attack. It’s a personal attack, and it’s childish, but it’s not ad hominem.
If I say “Your criticism of the script is flawed because you are a pompous windbag,” then THAT would be Ad Hominem.
Personal Attack != Ad Hominem Attack.
http://plover.net/~bonds/adhominem.html
March 24th, 2009 at 3:04 pmOkay, maybe I didn’t get the terminology exacty right, but you have to admit personal attacks aren’t a very good form of satire.
March 24th, 2009 at 6:26 pmShut up Ted! God. Your such a fucking retard. Leave my love Rod alone!
March 24th, 2009 at 6:53 pmTed:
I get it, Ted. You don’t think the scripts are funny. But do you know what IS funny? As I was reading your comment, something in it stuck out at me: the phrase “a very good form of satire”. Hmm. It’s pompous. It’s self-important. It’s self-righteous. And most importantly, it’s an intellectual criticism coming from someone who doesn’t seem to grasp what it means to be an intellectual (such as knowing what an Ad Hominem attack is).
Then it hit me. This douchebag Ted Lancer sounds exactly like that cumstain “Kevin Klawitter”, the guy obsessed with me who kept sending me idiotic e-mails about how his trolling in the Sean Hannity web forum is a superior form of satire and then started crapping up the comments on the Dark Knight script.
So, sure enough, I check the IP address of Kevin Klawitter and compare it to Ted Lancer. Guess what. Yep, same guy. Did you know that my blogging software logs IP addresses when you make comments, Kevin? Well, it does.
Kevin/Ted also e-mailed me as “James” a while ago, asking for my oscar predictions but idiotically using his “senatorpatriot” email address to do it. I responded by addressing him as Kevin and he replied by acknowledging that he used a “fake name” so that I’d actually give him my oscar predictions. Next time, use a different e-mail address AND a fake name, genius.
I don’t know why you’re so obsessed with this site, or why you keep saying you’ll never visit again (only to do it with another fake name later), but can’t you just accept that there’s a web site on the internet you don’t like, and then stop visiting it? There are millions of sites on the internet, surely you can find enough that you like to keep yourself busy.
March 24th, 2009 at 7:40 pmYa got me. I knew dropping the “S” word would do it.
BTW, when I said I wouldn’t come back, I only meant the “The Dark Knight” board, and I kept my word.
Oh, and that link? Classy. Now I see why Cracked hired you.
March 24th, 2009 at 7:49 pmI actually should have realized it when you called me “Roddy”. God DAMN you’re predictable.
In all seriousness, you don’t seem like a bad guy. It just seems to bother you that your work is, in your opinion, so much “better” than mine, but I have this big semi-popular web site and I get published in magazines, while you’re relegated to the Sean Hannity web forum.
Seriously dude, I get it. Life’s not fair. You’re hilarious and I’m a douche, but for some reason everyone seems to think it’s the other way around.
It’s rough. But why do you keep coming back here if you hate it so much?
Just piss off already. Or do you want to live your life as this guy?
March 24th, 2009 at 8:02 pmWow, Rod has his very own nemesis. These confrontations are almost as entertaining as the scripts are…
March 24th, 2009 at 11:15 pmWhoa, Ted/Kevin/James got owned.. anyone else pictures a fat guy eating cheetos on his parents basement using different names to blog in different sites?
March 25th, 2009 at 6:14 pmI knew I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I stopped visiting this website for even the shortest amount of time. I’d miss these joyous moments
March 25th, 2009 at 11:46 pmActually, Rod, both of your examples are ad hominem. When you attack the poster’s character rather than the argument, you are using ad hominem.
That said, while Ted is correct in saying there is ad hominem used between characters in a lot of your plots, that is not all that you use. And what you use of it is, in my opinion, still funny. Ad hominem isn’t “bad” per se; it’s just a tool.
You also used ad hominem in your responses to Ted. Considering who you were referring to, though, it seemed like the appropriate tool to use there too ;)
March 26th, 2009 at 8:58 amUnrelated:
You’re right. The first example should read:
“Your criticism of the script is flawed because none of the cited examples are ‘Ad Hominem’, you pompous windbag,”
March 26th, 2009 at 9:08 amholy shit that guy is a fucking stalker
March 28th, 2009 at 4:45 amRod, dude,
March 28th, 2009 at 9:09 amthe guy’s a troll, just ignore him.
Your scripts are screamingly funny, you’re the god of movie-related comedy. I seriously can’t think of any other author on the web today who produces the same consistent quality as you do. I’m eagerly awaiting your Watchmen script.
Seriously, just ignore him.
I hadn’t checked the site since before you put Gran Torino up, so I got to read the script and all the comments at once. Fun, fun, fun.
When Ted Lancer’s comment came up, I thought, “this sounds like another Kevin Klawitter. Here we go again…” But I was stunned that it was actually the same guy.
I joined the howling backlash against Ted/Kevin in the Dark Knight comments as “Dave” (I changed my name because there are just too many Daves in the world). Fun to watch you root him out instantly and twist his tiny giblets.
Hated Gran Torino; everything was just…off. The priest looked 19 years old and had zero authority, and I wanted someone to smack Clint after about the 158th epithet.
And when a girl gets raped in a Clint Eastwood movie, you expect him to go Keyser Soze on every single person who had anything to do with those gang members being born.
But no, we get Clint dying, then singing over the closing credits. Jeez.
Say what you want about Sylvester Stallone, but at least he’s still killing people brutally in HIS movies. Attaboy, indeed.
March 28th, 2009 at 3:54 pmReading Ted/Kevin’s comments is very exhausting.
March 29th, 2009 at 5:15 pmGo smoke some pot and lighten up.
Wow. Ted Lancer is really Kevin Klawitter from the TDK comment thread. Man. I don’t even troll that much on IMDb. If Ted’s satire is that good he should focus on other things aside from a C-list website.
Btw Rod, hows Watchmen coming along. I can’t wait for your take.
March 29th, 2009 at 7:45 pmman that was too funny
March 30th, 2009 at 12:48 amthis would be the greatest site ever if it updated more than twice a year
‘And when a girl gets raped in a Clint Eastwood movie, you expect him to go Keyser Soze on every single person who had anything to do with those gang members being born.
But no, we get Clint dying, then singing over the closing credits. Jeez.’
Missed the point, eh, Mike?
After all, who wants a film that’ll surprise you every now and then…
March 31st, 2009 at 2:18 pm“Surprising” does not equal automatically good, and in this case, it wasn’t even that surprising. Still very predictable.
Movie was okay at best.
April 4th, 2009 at 11:33 pmThat was great. Bra-vo!
Now do a movie people have ACTUALLY seen…
April 7th, 2009 at 1:51 amI didn’t say ’surprising’ automatically makes something good, and I didn’t mean to imply it. Nor do I think this is Eastwood at his best, by any means. But having a cliched shootout at the end wouldn’t have made the film better. The audience expects Clint Eastwood to shoot the villains and be a hero. They don’t expect him to get inelegantly gunned down reaching for his cigarette lighter. Going for the less obvious ending was the smarter move.
April 7th, 2009 at 2:38 pmWow, now I know how to use “Ad Hominem” correctly.
Watchment script? Soon?
April 7th, 2009 at 10:55 pmI suppose; the gangsters still get their dues in the absence of a shootout. It’s just that the theme of every Clint Eastwood-directed film since the early 90’s has been “Violence never solves anything,” and I have found that to be far less interesting than “I’ma get revenge, fuckle.” The Outlaw Josey Wales is still my favorite and I miss that level of uncompromising rage.
April 8th, 2009 at 8:27 amSean, “fuckle” is my new favorite word. I intend to use it at least twelve times today.
April 8th, 2009 at 11:41 amAgreed. ‘Fuckle’ is a fine word.
I see what you mean, Sean. I get a similar feeling from Scorsese. I still really admire the work he does now, but the anger that powered something like Taxi Driver is pretty much absent. I guess they’re just mellowing a bit with age (even Spielberg of all people shot violence in the seventies in a way that he said he wouldn’t now). I think if Gran Torino had ended with Clint gunning them all down, it would have risked being too similar to Unforgiven (a much better film, in my opinion).
April 8th, 2009 at 12:40 pmChris: I was being sarcastic. Missed the point, eh?
I don’t give a damn anyway. It’s not like I’m writing my masters thesis here. Just throwing in my two cents.
So, for the record, without irony, I am saying that Sly has been making a goddamn fool of himself and showing zero potential for artistic growth, whereas Clint has mellowed and learned that shoot-em-up isn’t The Way. Or The Only Way. Or he’s changed as he’s gotten older. He’s, like, really deep now.
But again, I just hop on board to see Rod rip the shit out of everything, whether I liked it or not.
Don’t take yourself so seriously that you can’t see others’ irony, Chris. That said, have a beer.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:21 pmAnd if your response is that I don’t do irony well, then, you got me. But my point about Sly should have been a clue. You done with that beer yet? Have a freshie.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:24 pmGOD DAMN IT ROD!!!!! GIVE ME WATCHMEN!!!!!
ARRRRGGHHFUCKLENUCKLESUCKLEMYKNUCKLEFURUCKLEARGGGHHH!!!!!!!
April 10th, 2009 at 12:10 pmDo Cloverfield 2, long before it comes out! That’s the way to get a jump ahead on things.
April 10th, 2009 at 6:44 pmWell, your sarcasm really didn’t come off, not to me at least. Based on the way some people do speak on forums about films, you could have easily just been another completely ignorant person that wants to see the same predictable thing again and again. But hey, well done. You did a fine impersonation. I’m smart enough to admit when someone’s pulled the wool over my eyes.
As for the beers, bit early in the day for me, boys.
April 11th, 2009 at 7:42 amNo worries, Chris. I’m just not good at being criticized, so in that way I’m exactly like most people on the film forums. And I’m plenty ignorant; you just don’t know me well enough yet.
Too early for beer? Ok, then, how about…to quote Michael Keaton: Scotch?
April 11th, 2009 at 10:25 amRod,
Long time reader, first time poster (like anyone gives a s***t). Just wanted to take a moment to say thanks for all the laughs! As someone who has always enjoyed laughing, I particularly enjoy things that make me laugh, and your site is #1 on that list. Having watched your career “with considerable interest” over the last few years, I think it’s now time that you be declared a (minor) national treasure.
Quick question, though: how come there’s no Wikipedia entry on you? Even Supershadow had one for a while.
April 12th, 2009 at 9:53 amWell spoken, sir.
April 13th, 2009 at 2:25 amLoved the script. Looking forward to the Watchmen one.
April 13th, 2009 at 12:20 pmEven when they counter my cross-ups with wake-up shoryukens in Street Fighter.
lol… the final 4 from the national US championship were asian. no coincidence it’s in our blood >.<!
May 1st, 2009 at 3:10 pmNice. i liked this movie but the ending felt a little strange.
June 17th, 2009 at 4:23 pmOh man, that was great. The Street Fighter reference had me lolling hardcore.
September 13th, 2009 at 8:54 pmI found it surprising you didn't pick on BEE VANG's especially poor acting performance more.
September 25th, 2009 at 5:43 pmBEE VANG
I was just going to install a spoiler and hover lights, I swear!
That was comedy gold
December 9th, 2009 at 1:08 am"And just in case my being a Christ figure was too subtle for you to notice. I'm going to die in Crucifixion pose. If only there was a way, I could lure these zipperheads into actually nailing me to a lightpole."
December 25th, 2009 at 5:25 amThe "butakke" reference was very funny. Still laughing over that.
March 2nd, 2010 at 2:41 am"Admirable nothing. I just want to win a god damned Best Actor Oscar before I die and these talentless newcomers make me look great. Growl."
Ehhhh. This one kind of bugged me, Eastwood being one of my favourite actors.
Excellent writeup, though a little heavy on the "it sucks" jokes at the end (though the one line about the ballad is good).
April 7th, 2010 at 1:25 amI suspect some of you douchbag excuses for the male species hate it because it doesn't feed you your usual diet of shoot em up, bang 'em up, kill em all crappola diet
April 15th, 2010 at 12:53 pmWhat are you talking about?
May 9th, 2010 at 10:49 pm