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Godzilla

GODZILLA

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. AN OFFICIAL LOOKING OFFICE - NIGHT

KEVIN DUNN

Mr. Mayor, a boat off the coast of a country sunk. We retrieved it and found giant claw marks on the side.

MICHAEL LERNER

Probably the weather.

KEVIN DUNN

We also found tissue samples of some lizard.

MICHAEL LERNER

Still the weather. Hey, did you notice that I look just like Ebert and my assistant looks like Siskel and I give thumbs up?

DIRECTOR DEAN DEVLIN

Ha ha! Fuck you, Siskel and Ebert! I will now draw attention to Ebert's fat.

MICHAEL LERNER

I want a donut.

KEVIN DUNN

Sir, this thing whose tissue we found is off the coast of New York. It's big.

MICHAEL LERNER

What is it? Where's my cheesecake?

KEVIN DUNN

Sir.. we think it might be

(pause)

Computer Graphics!

MUSIC

BA BA BAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

MICHAEL LERNER

I want chocolate.

INT. A HOSPITAL - DAY

JAPANESE GUY FROM THE BOAT

Gojira.

EXT. A PLACE WITH SOIL AROUND - DAY

MATTHEW BRODERICK

(listening to music)

Girls.. just wanna have fun. Oh girls just wanna have..that's all they really wannnnnnnnt.. some..

A helicopter lands nearby. An OFFICIAL LOOKING MAN steps out and walks to MATTHEW BRODERICK.

OFFICIAL LOOKING MAN

Come with us. We're with the government.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

(acting)

Uh..uh.. what did I do?

OFFICIAL LOOKING MAN

Singing that song is going to put a cheesy 80's song on the soundtrack. For that alone you should be killed.

They shove MATTHEW BRODERICK into the helicopter

MATTHEW BRODERICK

You can't do this! I'm Ferris Bueller!!

EXT. NEW YORK - NIGHT

GODZILLA

Growl.

GODZILLA stomps on things that New York is famous for. He also passes an opportunity to have sex with the STATUE OF LIBERTY. HANK AZARIA pulls out a video camera.

HANK AZARIA

I'm gonna get this on tape.

As a result of GODZILLA, something comes CRASHING down. It almost HITS HANK AZARIA.

HANK AZARIA

Whew, that was close.

AUDIENCE

Whew, that was close.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

I think Godzilla is pregnant.

As a result of GODZILLA, something comes crashing down. It almost HITS MATTHEW BRODERICK

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Whew, that was close.

AUDIENCE

Whew, that was really close.

MARIA PITILLO walks in

MARIA PITILLO

I am Matthew's ex-girlfriend and part time supporting character. I want to be a newscaster but Harry Shearer stands in my way.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

I hope we end up together in the end.

GODZILLA

Um.. So am I still destroying stuff here or do you want to continue making it look like this movie has a plot?

HARRY SHEARER

(as Kent Brockman)

I think we'll do some more plot. Let's take a look at how I am an ass and how I stand in Maria's way.

(pause)

Let me air a clip she found and take credit for it.

JAPANESE GUY FROM THE BOAT

(the 26th time it's shown)

Gojira.

HARRY SHEARER

And there you have it, folks. Godzilla.

MARIA PITILLO

That rat. And it's Gojira, not Godzilla

STUPID AUDIENCE

Ha ha! That is funny because it's pronounced Godzilla but those crazy Japanese people can't say nuthin right and Maria is stupid.

GODZILLA FANS IN AUDIENCE

Ha ha! That is funny because the original Japanese version was titled "Gojira."

GODZILLA

Goody! More special effects money has arrived! Let's proceed destroying things mindlessly.

GODZILLA walks around, destroying everything. He GROWLS and leaves a giant piece of GODZILLA EXCREMENT on a notable spot in New York

INT. STADIUM - NIGHT

MATTHEW BRODERICK

There are baby Godzillas here. They look like Raptors from Jurassic Park but they are not.

MATTHEW BRODERICK and SUPPORTING CAST get chased by RAPTORS for 20 minutes. They get out and the stadium gets BLOWN UP.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE STADIUM - DAY

GODZILLA

My kids. This blows! I will break stuff! LOTS OF STUFF!

GODZILLA breaks STUFF.

ARMY

Oh no you don't.

They shoot MISSILES at GODZILLA and GODZILLA is blown into pieces.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Whew. We're safe.

MARIA PITILLO

I love you.

They KISS. The camera zooms in on GODZILLA'S eye. It OPENS.

MUSIC

BA DAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

SMOG MONSTER

Hey! What about me!?

MOTHRA

And me too!

DIRECTOR DEAN DEVLIN

Har har! You'll be in the sequel! And on Burger King cups! It'll never stop! SIZE DOES MATTER! HA HA HA HA HA HA!

END