Born with the uncanny power to create blurry, late '90s clip art!


Born with the uncanny power to create blurry, late '90s clip art!
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FROZEN

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. CASTLE - INSIDE DISNEY WORLD’S ARCTIC CIRCLE

KRISTEN BELL and IDINA MENZEL, two young SISTER PRINCESSES, live together after their PARENTS have died of acute DRAMATIC NECESSITY DISORDER.

YOUNG KRISTEN BELL

Wow, two princesses in one movie? Disney isn’t even hiding their penny-pinching anymore.

YOUNG IDINA MENZEL

(creates a freeze ray that hits Kristen in the face)

Cool down! This is a serious, creative decision to get away from their reputation of shallow, cookie-cutter heroines. Just look - I have dangerous snow powers, which make me isolated and emotionally stunted!

To prove this, YOUNG IDINA stays in her ROOM for the entirety of her FORMATIVE YEARS.

KRISTEN BELL

(talking to Idina’s locked door)

But that’s just as bad - you’re too antisocial to be an innocent audience surrogate, so protagonist duties go to typical little me! You have your snow powers, but I have the same superhuman ability as every Disney princess - song creation!

(singing)

Do you want to be a princess?

At least before it gets too late?

We’ve let Pixar handle the recent one;

But our last decent one was back in ‘98!

(verse)

They say we’re in a Renaissance now;

And that we need something that’s new;

So do you want to be a princess?

A different kind of Disney princess?

IDINA MENZEL

Fine, if the alternative is you.

(music ends)

So...I guess this is a musical now. I’m fine with that - I was the star of "Wicked", I can sing!

KRISTEN BELL

You were in "Wicked"? You mean, the thing Disney wants everyone to forget exists now that they have their own Wizard of Oz prequel?

IDINA MENZEL

You got a problem with that, go see our boss Tom Hanks and his Emma-Thompson-annoying accent.

KRISTEN, along with EVERYONE ELSE, decides not to.

KRISTEN BELL

Now, get ready - you’ve decided you’ll be a princess, so your coronation is in the next scene!

INT. IDINA’S CORONATION

Newly-crowned PRINCESS IDINA eases her stress by furiously SNOW-POWERING under the table, which annoys visiting jerkwad ALAN TUDYK.

ALAN TUDYK

Quaint!

IDINA MENZEL

Don't judge me.

(notices Kristen)

That goes for you too! You’re the regular perfect princess, you have nothing to worry about!

KRISTEN BELL

Well, that’s true. I’m even endearingly clumsy, which is universal code for "Trying to deflect Mary Sue accusations", and only serves to get me into horribly played-out meet cutes...

KRISTEN CRASHES into another visitor, handsome PRINCE SANTINO FONTANA.

KRISTEN BELL

...See?

PRINCE SANTINO

Wow, you’re perfect and bland? I’m perfect and bland too! We have so much in common that we should get married immediately.

IDINA MENZEL

Hey, you can’t marry Kristen! Love at first sight isn’t real!

PRINCE SANTINO

Did I hear that right? That’s great! If you’re trying to make this movie a nuanced deconstruction of the Disney Princess, that’s a great start!

MUNCHKIN CHORUS

(singing)

Love at first sight isn’t real!

Love at first sight isn’t real!

Love at, love at, love at, love at, love at first sight isn’t real!

PRINCE SANTINO

Oh, I guess that’s it. At least they remember this is a musical.

IDINA, who hasn't gotten a chance to sing, is ANGERED by this and FREEZES THE ENTIRE KINGDOM, because that plot was GOOD ENOUGH FOR "BATMAN AND ROBIN".

IDINA MENZEL

Oh no! I’m in horrible emotional turmoil! I sure hope nothing else happens to me right this second!

KRISTEN BELL

Come to think of it, all this cold weather is making my hereditary Dramatic Necessity Disorder act up!

(coughs)

Hear that? I coughed once! Now I’m dead for sure!

IDINA MENZEL

I can’t deal with this! I’m taking off to the icy wastes that now surround the castle for miles in every direction, because shut up and look at the pretty snowflakes!

EXT. ICY WASTES

After fifteen minutes of DISNEY’S SNOW-RENDERING DEMO REEL - uh, ESTABLISHING SHOTS, IDINA finds a SUSPICIOUSLY STAGE-LIKE SNOWDRIFT.

IDINA MENZEL

(singing)

It’s a kingdom of isolation;

And that’s not an "ice" pun;

It’s a quarter of the way into the film;

And my character arc is all done!

(verse)

I’ve gotten over;

My insecurities;

Which means forgetting my;

Responsibilities;

I’ve left my sister to die,

My new kingdom to freeze;

But forget that now;

And watch the F/X, please!

(chorus)

Let it snow, let it snow;

Barely a story anymore!

Let it snow, let it snow;

Got the best software for sure!

(verse)

I don’t have;

All that much left to say;

So even if the film sucks;

You’ll all say how great it looks anyway!

(music ends)

Now that my superpowers have hurt the person I care about the most, my longtime mental withdrawal has become physical! Now there’s nothing for me to do but to go to this lifeless wasteland and use those superpowers to build a huge spiky structure, where I can soliloquize about vowing to stay out of worldly affairs forever.

IDINA uses her powers to build an ICE PALACE, which in NO WAY resembles DR. MANHATTAN’S GIANT CLOCK-A-MA-JIG.

CREATIVE DIRECTOR JOHN LASSETER

I figure since we got praise and accolades for ripping off "Watchmen" a decade ago, we now have carte blanche to mine it for ideas with no trouble!

EXT. OUTSIDE THE CASTLE

KRISTEN BELL

I need to get Idina back so she can stop the winter. Don't wait up, Santino.

PRINCE SANTINO

Wait, so we're not going on an adventure together to build our relationship?

KRISTEN BELL

Ha, "relationship".

KRISTEN goes to the ICY WASTES alone.

EXT. ICY WASTES - IN 3D WHERE AVAILABLE!

KRISTEN BELL

Since I’m off to rescue a princess, and there don’t seem to be any mushrooms or boomerangs around, I’ll need a cynical guide with a shaggy animal sidekick.

KRISTEN enlists the help of ice road trucker JONATHAN GROFF and his GENERICALLY DOG-LIKE REINDEER.

JONATHAN GROFF

Since we’re sticking to the Star Wars formula, I’m Idina’s love interest, right?

KRISTEN BELL

No! Yes! Whatever, just get me to the ice palace already. I’m starting to get a personality what with all this interaction.

EXT. HOTH

KRISTEN and JONATHAN get POINTLESSLY CHASED by some WOLVES.

KRISTEN BELL

Well, that was a decent distraction. Any other ones?

JONATHAN GROFF

Love at first sight isn’t real?

(dances)

KRISTEN BELL

Nah, that’s already gotten old. Come on, I need something else to draw people’s attention away from this paper-thin plot - I don’t care how stupid or annoying it is!

With GILLIGANIAN TIMING, a stupid, annoying living snowman APPEARS.

JOSH GAD

Howdy, everyone! Laugh at me!

JONATHAN GROFF

Not just yet. There’s something in the rules about this...

JONATHAN takes out his copy of "THE WALT DISNEY CORPORATION’S BIG BOOK OF MANDATORY CLICHES".

JONATHAN GROFF

(flips through the book)

Ah, here we go, number 607(b), clause II. "All supporting characters of minimal connection to the narrative (hereafter referred to as ‘Comedy Sidekicks’) must have one (1) endearingly unrealistic goal." You up to code?

JOSH GAD

Yes, sir! I’m a snowman who wants to experience as much heat and warmth as I possibly can! Seriously!

KRISTEN BELL

Actually, I’m fine with that - it means you’re going to suffer horribly at least once. You can come to the ice palace with us.

INT. ICE PALACE

KRISTEN, JOSH AND JONATHAN arrive at IDINA’s new digs. Though she just had a BOMBASTIC, OSCAR-BAITING SONG about how she’s COME TO TERMS with her IDENTITY, she now returns to being HORRIBLY ASHAMED OF HERSELF.

IDINA MENZEL

Look away! I’m green, and hideous...I mean, I’m just hideous! And even though the entire reason I came here is so Kristen wouldn’t be hurt by my snow powers, I’ll accomplish this by hurting her with my snow powers.

IDINA creates a SNOW GOON that roughs everyone up and KNOCKS THEM OUT ON THEIR ASSES, but in a loving way.

INT. ICE PALACE - LATER

IDINA MENZEL

Finally, some peace and quiet.

IDINA’S DOORBELL

Ice, ice, baby (vanilla) ice, ice, baby!

IDINA MENZEL

Now who could that be at this hour?

IDINA opens the door to her ice palace, revealing PRINCE SANTINO and ALAN. Despite most of the kingdom not having been in eternal winter before, and the visitors specifically hailing from warmer countries, they’ve gotten to the ICE PALACE about TEN TIMES AS FAST as the experienced ice road trucker.

PRINCE SANTINO

Look, just come with us and help us end the eternal winter. We don’t want to hurt you.

ALAN TUDYK

Ha ha ha! Mine is an evil laugh - now, die!

ALAN BLUDGEONS IDINA over the head with an ICICLE, but is stopped by SANTINO.

PRINCE SANTINO

Are you kidding? Let’s just capture her so she can easily break out. Wouldn’t want to violate the Disney rule book, after all.

IDINA is taken back to the CASTLE (presumably in an OFFSCREEN, ROCKET-POWERED SLED) and is put in PRISON until she’s necessary for the plot.

EXT. TROLL KINGDOM

On the way back to the castle, KRISTEN discovers that JONATHAN was RAISED BY TROLLS.

JONATHAN GROFF

My troll family taught me the Lord loves a working man, and to not trust whitey.

KRISTEN BELL

Before I decide how I feel about that, I have to ask - what kind of trolls are you?

TROLL KING CIARÁN HINDS

Well, since we’re reclusive, mystical and made out of rock, I want to say "Discworld", but because we’re also sickeningly sweet with an emphasis on family and friendship, I’ll have to go with "Big-Haired Doll".

KRISTEN BELL

Huh?

(turns pale)

TROLL KING CIARÁN HINDS

And speaking of family, we’re also hooking you up with Jonathan, because we feel what this unconventional film needs is played-out, predictable romance!

KRISTEN BELL

Huh?

(freezes in place)

TROLL KING CIARÁN HINDS

But don’t get too comfy - you see, your Dramatic Necessity Disorder has progressed, and now you’re turning into an ice sculpture!

KRISTEN BELL

HUH!?

(does exactly that)

JONATHAN GROFF

Ice sculpture? So she’s become completely stiff, and a skin-deep idealization of a real person? Looks like she had a head start.

INT. CASTLE

JONATHAN and JOSH have taken KRISTEN back to the castle, where they hope to heal her.

JOSH GAD

How can we unfreeze Kristen?

JONATHAN GROFF

True love’s kiss?

JOSH GAD

You mean, the trope that we spent an entire film satirizing a few years back? Wow, what a bold and unique direction.

Suddenly, JONATHAN and JOSH are ambushed by PRINCE SANTINO!

JONATHAN GROFF

Great, all the male characters are in one place! So, who’s giving the true love’s kiss?

JOSH GAD

I’m a living snowman, so the most I can do is have an inspirational fake-death-by-melting scene.

(does this)

JONATHAN GROFF

And I’m still trying to pretend I don’t end up with Kristen at the end of the movie, so the only one left is...

PRINCE SANTINO

No kisses here, sorry! My love at first sight wasn’t real - not because the concept is unrealistic, but because I’m actually evil! Mwhahaha!

ALAN TUDYK

We shall rule over this land, and we shall call it "this land"!

JONATHAN GROFF

Oh no! We’re trapped! If only there was someone on our side, who’s been waiting the past few scenes to be important to the plot!

IDINA, from her nearby PRISON CELL, hears this.

IDINA MENZEL

Hey, that’s my cue!

IDINA goes all HALLE BERRY and ESCAPES, causing everyone to be BLOWN OUTSIDE of the castle.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE CASTLE - LOW DRAW DISTANCE

IDINA tries to find KRISTEN outside, but the sky is TOO FOGGY for her to see where she’s going, so she STUMBLES AROUND AIMLESSLY. This is the FUCKING DRAMATIC CLIMAX OF THE MOVIE.

IDINA MENZEL

Oh god, Kristen! You were right! I have to be a different kind of Disney Princess, if I want to be remembered at all!

JONATHAN GROFF

So, how are you planning on doing that?

IDINA MENZEL

Well, I suppose I could give you the true love’s kiss myself!

IDINA kisses KRISTEN.

CUT, AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE, TO:

EXT. NON-WINTRY CASTLE

The ENDLESS WINTER has ended, without the aid of any JESUS LIONS. IDINA is tying up all of the LOOSE ENDS.

PRINCE SANTINO

Well, looks like neither of us have died - so what's our karmic comeuppance?

IDINA hits SANTINO and ALAN over their heads with a copy of the DISNEY RULE BOOK.

ALAN TUDYK

Can we go to the crappy town where I’m a folk hero?

Meanwhile, KRISTEN has gotten together with JONATHAN, because while LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT isn’t real, LOVE AFTER HALF A DAY is completely reasonable and realistic.

KRISTEN BELL

Thanks for everything, Idina! I’m so happy, I could...

IDINA MENZEL

...sing?

KRISTEN BELL

No, of course not! Why would you say that? It’s not like this is a musical or anything.

JONATHAN GROFF

Oh well. At least it all worked out in the end.

CREATIVE DIRECTOR JOHN LASSETER

Nothing ends, Jonathan. Nothing ever ends.

(pause)

Oh, and speaking of which...

(picks up phone)

Hello? Get "Finding Nemo 2: Finding Dory" into production on the double!

This ACTUALLY HAPPENS. No, REALLY.

END

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