"What, Anna? I didn't just fart! Let it go."


"What, Anna? I didn't just fart! Let it go."

FROZEN FEVER

The Very Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. MAGIC KINGDOM

Welcome back to ARENDELLE, ruled by IDINA MENZEL! If you're sick of her singing, sadly this will be HELL.

IDINA MENZEL

Dear viewers, you've paid

To see "Cinderella"

But first you must watch

This pointless "Frozen" extra!

Look, there's Olaf! And Kristoff!

And Kristoff's reindeer, Sven

I bet none of you are pissed off

You have to see us again!

The Queen preps a PARTY for her sister, KRISTEN BELL. She's determined to stay HEARTY, despite not feeling well.

IDINA MENZEL

First off, I will conjure

New dresses, how nice!

Wait, how does that power

Relate to snow and ice?

KRISTEN BELL

A birthday party for me?

Is "Being Queen" now on hold?

Queens NEVER have issues

Except small stuff, like a cold.

IDINA MENZEL

A cold? I'm not sick!

(Achoo!) But (sneeze) hey,

I won't let my cold

Mess up your special day

'Cause A COLD NEVER BOTHERED

ME ANYWAAAAAY!!!

KRISTEN BELL

(groans)

AUDIENCE

(moans)

DISNEY

(mistakes the groans for harmonious tones)

Each time IDINA sneezes, tiny SNOWMEN pop to life! But IDINA doesn't notice, and they cause all kinds of strife!

JOSH GAD

Oh jeez, these tiny snowmen

Are shitty, low-size brats!

You know, they sorta look like

Anthropomorphized scat!

SNOW-SHITS

You can never defeat us!

Not if we attack combined!

We all seem to be under

The same creepy hive mind!

We'll destroy Kristen's whole party

But act all cute and gushy

Though we behave like douchekits

We'll still sell great as plushies!

The snow-shits fight JONATHAN GROFF, and JOSH GAD. But the fun is KILLED OFF, and no party's to be had.

JONATHAN GROFF

But before they showed up

Were we just standing around?

Besides us, does Kristen have

Any friends in this town?

JOSH GAD

Look, there's that sauna guy

Seems we didn't invite him

Is there anyone from the movie

We didn't shove in?

Hey, there's that asshole ex-prince guy, SANTINO! And, holy fuck, even the MONSTER MARSHMALLOW?

THOSE TROLL GUYS don't show up, but who gives a rat's ass. Suddenly, the SNOW-SHITS make the party a BLAST!

KRISTEN BELL

Wow, how adorable!

Guess this "story" is done!

If you break rules and make havoc

You're just making good fun!

Somehow still unmelted, the SNOW-SHITS are left loose. They grow up and discover they must REPRODUCE. They rub IDINA'S GERMS on her own sleeping lips, so she'll keep on sneezing and she'll always stay sick. The snow-shit population then spreads over the nation like a SNOW-SHIT INFESTATION GERM CONTAMINATION. They wipe out the whole queendom, laughing like it's funny, causing chaos and death but-

DISNEY

What's that? Is it.. money?

CINDERELLA!

END

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