FROM DUSK TILL DAWN
The Abridged Script
EXT. A SHOP BESIDE A DESOLATE TEXAN STRIP OF BADLANDS CLOSE TO MEXICO
I am a cold blooded killer who is openly sarcastic and demeaning, even to my brother who is so crazy that he needs constant care. I am a bastard.
EEEeee! It's George Clooney!
They faint, leaving them to believe after they wake up that the movie was about crime.
I am also a cold blooded killer, but because I am Quentin Tarantino in a movie that I wrote, I must be completely fucked up and unstable. Also, I must die before the movie is over, but not before I can rape and kill innocent women for no reason.
INNOCENT FEMALE HOSTAGE
Even though we are incredibly wanted men, I will kill this Overweight Southern Sheriff stereotype character and burn this store to the ground, thus making the situation worse.
OVERWEIGHT COP STEREOTYPE AND STORE OWNER
They needed to die so the body count can be as large as possible.
CHARACTERS YET TO SHOW UP
GEORGE CLOONEY punches QUENTIN TARANTINO because he is an IDIOT.
I love you, brother.
INT. HARVEY KEITEL'S MOTORHOME
Well, time for me to check into the hotel for tonight.
HARVEY KEITEL'S VIETNAMESE KID
We have a motorhome!
QUENTIN TARANTINO and GEORGE CLOONEY steal the motorhome and take HARVEY and his FAMILY as hostages.
HARVEY KEITEL'S HOT VIRGINAL KID
I want to do all sorts of sex-related things with you.
GEORGE CLOONEY punches QUENTIN TARANTINO while saying "I love you, brother."
EXT. MEXICAN BORDER
Let us through! I am not being held hostage by America's most wanted crooks.
INEPT MEXICAN BORDER GUARD
EXT. NASTY MEXICAN BAR
Everybody has a drink to celebrate excpet GEORGE CLOONEY, who beats up CHEECH MARIN'S many characters, while screaming about how he loves his brother. SALMA HAYEK Strips in front of QUENTIN TARANTINO, who has eight orgasms because he is PERVERTED.
I am a one dimensional character who is basically naked.
The MALE AUDIENCE has eight orgasms because they are PERVERTED. SALMA HAYEK turns into a vampire.
What the fuck?
QUENTIN TARANTINO laughs hysterically because his movie scripts are so CLEVER. SALMA HAYEK EATS QUENTIN TARANTINO, who DIES HORRIBLY, but then COMES BACK TO LIFE AS A VAMPIRE so he can DIE HORRIBLY AGAIN.
Shit! My brother, whom I love, is dead!
SALMA HAYEK, having completed her required NAKED DANCE and having THREE LINES DELIVERED BADLY, DIES HORRIBLY.
All the HOOKERS and STRIPPERS get NAKED and turn into VAMPIRES. GEORGE CLOONEY with HARVEY KEITEL and his FAMILY KILL THEM ALL. They DIE HORRIBLY. BLOOD goes EVERYWHERE. There is eventually a big pile of DEAD BLOODY HOOKERS and STRIPPERS. They are NAKED.
(high-fiving each other and ejaculating)
This is fuckin' the best movie of all time!
I am a priest.
He DIES HORRIBLY along with the POINTLESS VIETNAMESE KID.
CHEECH MARIN #17
What the hell happened here?
(upon waking up)
I love my brother, but I have money so I am OK
THE OTHER KID WHO IS THE ONLY ONE TO LIVE
I have no family, but I will take your money. I am OK too. I have a motorhome!
Money, sex and violence are good.
EXT. BACK OF THE BAR
The back of the bar is a TEMPLE or SOME STUPID SHIT LIKE THAT. This EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
EEEeee! George Clooney!