Kendrick and Wilson learn their singing will not be dubbed over and they are to "just wing it."

FADE IN:

INT.  AUDITORIUM

                            ELIZABETH BANKS
               Welcome to a national collegiate a
               cappella competition, which apparently
               exists and is popular enough to be
               televised.  I'm here with fellow
               commentator John Michael Higgins to supply
               witty banter to distract everyone from the
               socially awkward misfits onstage.  Isn't
               that right, John?  

                          JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS
               Huh?  Sorry, I was busy playing Angry
               Birds, because this shit is so boring that
               the thought of providing actual commentary
               makes me want to dive head first into a
               wood chipper.

                            ELIZABETH BANKS
               That's right, John.  If a bunch of idiots
               singing without any instruments can supply
               a job for not one but TWO commentators,
               the unemployment problem in America can't
               be all that bad.

Suddenly ANNA CAMP violently PROJECTILE VOMITS on the audience.

                          JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS
               How embarrassing!

                            ELIZABETH BANKS
               Agreed, whoever did the special effects on
               that absurdly cartoonish vomit should be
               fired.  

EXT.  BARDEN UNIVERSITY CAMPUS - FOUR MONTHS LATER

ANNA KENDRICK arrives on campus on move-in day.  Her father JOHN
BENJAMIN HICKEY comes to visit her in her dorm.

                             ANNA KENDRICK
               I totally resent you because I don't want
               to go to college.  I want to move to LA
               and be a DJ.  I make generic mash-ups of
               songs in my free time, so why wouldn't I
               be the next David Guetta?

                          JOHN BENJAMIN HICKEY
               Even though I don't want to support your
               unrealistic life plan, I'm going to make a
               deal with you.  If you join a club and
               after a year you still don't want to be in
               college, I'll pay for you to move to LA.

                             ANNA KENDRICK
               So, just to be clear, if I half-ass my way
               through college for a year, you'll take
               this as a sign that I'm disciplined and
               mature enough to pursue a music career in
               LA?
                 (pauses)
               Deal!  But it's still totally going to
               suck.
                 (pouts)

ANNA goes to the student activities fair, where she meets BRITTANY SNOW
and ANNA CAMP.

                               ANNA CAMP
               Aca-hey!  We're the Bellas and we're
               aca-recruiting new members!

                             ANNA KENDRICK
               Aca-hey?  You could have at least said
               "aca-hello." Do you ever add "aca" before
               words that sound like "pella"?  

                               ANNA CAMP
               Not even once.  So, are you aca-interested
               in joining?

                             ANNA KENDRICK
               Uh, yea, I'm gonna pass.  I don't even
               sing.

                             BRITTANY SNOW
               That's okay, singing isn't a requirement
               to be in the Bellas!

Later at the fair BRITTANY and ANNA meet REBEL WILSON.

                              REBEL WILSON
               'Sup skinny bitches!  I'm fat.  I'm also
               the only character who is remotely
               interesting and genuine, but let's ignore
               that and just use my size as the punchline
               of a bunch of jokes instead.
                 (pauses)
               I'm an exact replica of Melissa McCarthy's
               character in Bridesmaids, aren't I?

She IS.

Later ANNA KENDRICK meets SKYLAR ASTIN.

                              SKYLAR ASTIN
               Hey, I've taken an interest in you, even
               though you always act like you're better
               than everyone.

                             ANNA KENDRICK
               Let's occasionally flirt with each other. 
               When that gets boring, I'll push you away
               and you'll disappear for the next few
               scenes.

                              SKYLAR ASTIN
               Okay!
                 (disappears)

Later, BRITTANY SNOW hears ANNA singing in the SHOWER.  She bursts into
the shower and joins her in singing.  The FILMMAKERS utterly squander an
opportunity to make a scene in which two attractive college-aged girls
shower together even MILDLY TITILLATING and instead settle for EXTREMELY
AWKWARD.

                             BRITTANY SNOW
               Now that I've completely violated your
               personal space, I don't know why you
               wouldn't audition for the Bellas.  

                             ANNA KENDRICK
               Yes, there's nothing I'd love more than to
               spend every day with the girl who held me
               hostage in a shower while she serenaded my
               lady bits.  

BRITTANY SNOW and ANNA CAMP host auditions.  ANNA KENDRICK, REBEL
WILSON, and several other TOTALLY QUIRKY people with NO SINGING
EXPERIENCE show up.  

                               ANNA CAMP
               Wow, this is like watching a montage of
               terrible American Idol contestants.  

                             BRITTANY SNOW
               Yea, except no one gets cut.

After the COMPLETELY POINTLESS auditions are over, ANNA and BRITTANY
initiate the new members into ACA-BELLAHOOD.

                               ESTER DEAN
               I'm a lesbian, so I ogle, grope, and hit
               on every member of the same sex.  Normally
               the "stereotypical homosexual" role is
               reserved for male characters, but I say
               fuck the patriarchy!  Let's break out of
               the mold and make this offensive
               caricature a WOMAN instead!  

                              ALEXIS KNAPP
               I'm promiscuous.  Sex.  Sex.  Sex.  

                              HANA MAE LEE
                 (mumbles inaudibly)

                              REBEL WILSON
               I'll take over the supporting roles from
               here, ladies.  No need for you to say or
               do anything else other than be filler
               characters in the background.

                           ESTER DEAN, ALEXIS
                          KNAPP, AND HANA MAE
                                  LEE
               Okay.

                               ANNA CAMP
               Welcome to the Bellas.  If any of you hook
               up with someone from our rival group, The
               Trebblemakers, you will be kicked out.

                             ANNA KENDRICK
               Uh, weren't you so desperate for members
               that you literally accepted anyone who
               bothered to show up to auditions?  Why
               would you do that?

                               ANNA CAMP
               Because this feel-good movie needs an
               antagonist.  It should be me, because I'm
               a control freak who insists we use the
               same shitty music at every performance. 
               But recognizing that I'm my own worst
               enemy would require adding depth to my
               character, so we're going with "boys are
               yucky" instead.

                             BRITTANY SNOW
               Girlz rule and boyz drool!

The BELLAS train for REGIONALS.  Later, ANNA and SKYLAR hang out again
and FLIRT.

                              SKYLAR ASTIN
               Since you never shut up about wanting to
               be a DJ, I figured we could talk about my
               ambition for once.  I want to write scores
               for movies.  Scores are the bee's knees!

                             ANNA KENDRICK
                 (wrinkles nose in disgust)

                              SKYLAR ASTIN
               You clearly haven't been exposed to any
               cinematic masterpieces like I have, so I
               brought some movies for us to watch
               together.  You probably aren't familiar
               with any of them.
                 (reaches into backpack and retrieves
                 E.T., Jaws, The Breakfast Club, Rocky,
                 and FUCKING STAR WARS)

                             ANNA KENDRICK
               I hate movies.  

                              SKYLAR ASTIN
               Seriously?  Well, despite the fact that
               you always act disinterested and stuck up
               toward me, I still like you.

                             ANNA KENDRICK
                 (rolls eyes)

                              SKYLAR ASTIN
               Oops, looks like we've been talking for
               almost 5 minutes!  Time for me to go.
                 (disappears)

The BELLAS then compete in a RIFF OFF against other a cappella groups. 
They lose, but their performance is slightly more bearable because they
use MUSIC FROM THIS DECADE.

                             ANNA KENDRICK
               As thrilling as it is to do the exact same
               performance at every competition, I think
               we should embrace my favorite music style
               instead: mash-ups!

                               ANNA CAMP
               ACA-FUCK YOU!  QUIT TRYING TO SABOTAGE OUR
               VICTORY!

                             ANNA KENDRICK
               Jesus, it's just a suggestion.  After all,
               you thought it was a good idea to perform
               "Turn the Beat Around" at a frat party.

                               ANNA CAMP
               Look Miss Aca-Smartypants, we can't use
               mash-ups!  We'd have to get the rights to
               use two songs instead of one, and we don't
               have the budget for that!  We already had
               to resort to hiring the poor man's Anne
               Hathaway!

                             ANNA KENDRICK
               Poor man's Anne Hathaway?  Who-- oh, you
               mean me.

The BELLAS then perform at REGIONALS with the EXACT SAME ROUTINE the
audience has already seen TWICE.  Afterwards some of the singers get in
a FIGHT.  ANNA KENDRICK and REBEL WILSON try to break it up, and REBEL
accidentally breaks a window with a TROPHY.  She runs away and ANNA is
ARRESTED instead.

EXT.  POLICE STATION

                              SKYLAR ASTIN
               Hey, I bailed you out of jail.  Also I
               called your dad because I was worried
               about you.

                             ANNA KENDRICK
               Now my dad will realize how stupid it
               would be to let me move to LA!  I hate
               you, you ruined everything!

                              SKYLAR ASTIN
               Shouldn't you be mad at Rebel Wilson?  You
               know, since she broke a window and then
               let you take the heat for it.

                             ANNA KENDRICK
               GIRLZ RULE AND BOYZ DROOL!

                              SKYLAR ASTIN
               Goddamn it, enough of the girl power
               bullshit!  You don't have to tear down men
               to be a strong woman!  It's possible to
               have solid female AND male protagonists
               co-exist--
                 (disappears)
                                                                 CUT TO:

INT.  AUDITORIUM 

The BELLAS are at the SEMI-FINALS.  They perform the EXACT SAME ROUTINE
we've seen THREE TIMES now.  The audience is VISIBLY BORED.  The
audience on-screen is VISIBLY BORED TOO.

                             ANNA KENDRICK
               Screw this.

ANNA sings "Bulletproof" instead of her original lyrics.  Although the
slight change is a welcome departure from their TYPICAL MONOTONY, the
BELLAS don't advance to NATIONALS.  

                               ANNA CAMP
               WHAT THE ACA-FUCK WAS THAT?!

                             ANNA KENDRICK
               My bad, I just wanted to remind everyone
               how much I love mash-ups.  What do the
               rest of you inexplicably mute gals think?

                               ANNA CAMP
               THIS IS NOT AN ACA-MOCRACY!  THIS IS AN
               ACA-TATORSHIP!

ANNA KENDRICK gets fed up with ANNA CAMP'S SHIT and QUITS.  Everyone
MOPES around and FEELS SORRY FOR THEMSELVES until someone CONVENIENTLY
DISCOVERS one of the a cappella singers going to nationals is a HIGH
SCHOOL STUDENT.  The group is DISQUALIFIED, so the BELLAS can now
COMPETE BY DEFAULT.  

INT.  UNIVERSITY GYM

The BELLAS are at practice.  BRITTANY SNOW and the others decide to
stand up to ACA-TATOR ANNA CAMP.

                             BRITTANY SNOW
               It's finally dawned on me that maybe
               you're not the best leader of this group. 
               You're too controlling.

                               ANNA CAMP
               ACA-WHAT?!  I CAN LOSE CONTROL ANY TIME I
               WANT!!

ANNA CAMP projectile vomits everywhere to PROVE HER POINT.  The Bellas
start FIGHTING.  Suddenly ANNA KENDRICK appears.

                             ANNA KENDRICK
               Uh, I just wanted to let you know I want
               back in the Bellas.  If that's okay with
               you, Anna.

                               ANNA CAMP
                 (hesitates)
               Oh, alright.  

The BELLAS then SIT IN A CIRCLE and TALK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS.

                               ANNA CAMP
               Ladies, I'm sorry I've been such a pain in
               the aca-cooter.  I'm a perfectionist
               because I have daddy issues.

                             ANNA KENDRICK
               I get it.  Mine gets on me too.

                               ANNA CAMP
               You're talking about the same dad who
               offered to financially support you in LA
               if you just pretended to give a shit for a
               semester?

                             ANNA KENDRICK
               Ugh, dads are the worst, am I right?!

They continue their group therapy session, during which they confess to
being TIRED CARICATURES.  Later they practice singing by MASHING-UP
SONGS.
                                                                 CUT TO:

INT.  AUDITORIUM

The BELLAS perform at NATIONALS and use a different routine for the
FIRST TIME IN THE MOVIE.  The judges are so relieved that the BELLAS
WIN!  Backstage, ANNA KENDRICK and SKYLAR ASTIN have an OBLIGATORY
RECONCILIATION.

                             ANNA KENDRICK
               We did it!  We combined comedy, romance,
               music, and a predominantly female cast-
               and the audience loved it!

                              SKYLAR ASTIN
               Or another way to look at it is you made a
               mash-up of Glee and Bridesmaids that was
               just as generic and uninspired as the
               musical style your character was so
               fiercely determined to perform.  

END

3D Glasses don't work as well without the blue half.

FADE IN:

INT.  "SCARY" CABIN

Disfigured people tie up a POSSESSED TEENAGER.  Her FATHER pours
GASOLINE on her.

                                TEENAGER
               Daddy, I'm scared!  And confused!  Why are
               you burning your own daughter alive?  Why
               you, instead of the many people around you
               who should have no reason not to spare you
               the awful trauma of burning your own
               child?

                                 DADDY
               This is for all those times you never
               cleaned up your room when I told you to,
               spoiled brat.

                                TEENAGER
                 (burning)
               SATAN COCK FIRES TORTURE!

                                 DADDY
               Shit, maybe we should have started a
               gasoline fire outside where we caught her
               instead of in a cramped wooden basement!

He SHOOTS her in the head while she's already BURNING TO DEATH,
unnecessary for killing but completely necessary for the DOUBLE-GORE
SPLATTER-DEATH ACHIEVEMENT.

EXT.  THE SAME "SCARY" CABIN

FIVE YOUNG ADULTS arrive for an isolated trip together.  FIVE BILLION
REFERENCES to the original "Evil Dead" arrive slightly before them.

                               JANE LEVY
               I'm a heroin addict.  I'd be dead due to a
               previous O.D. if a lucky adrenaline
               injection hadn't saved the day.  I'm
               quitting drugs forever.

                           NOT BRUCE CAMPBELL
               I'm your brother, here with your friends
               to make sure you stay put during
               withdrawal.  Screw hospitals and rehab,
               this is how to break an addiction!

                               JANE LEVY
               Whatever, David.

                            SHILOH FERNANDEZ
               "David?" That's my character name?  Not
               Ash?  Whew, I was worried I'd have to live
               up to these impossible standards from
               fans.

                            LOU TAYLOR PUCCI
               I have glasses, meaning I'm the scholar,
               not the athlete.  These IQ-boosting
               chemicals the government gave me are
               really-

                             JESSICA LUCAS
               Shh, pretend "Cabin in the Woods" doesn't
               exist!  I'm a nurse.  I have sedatives. 
               And I'm black.  And that's it.

                            SHILOH FERNANDEZ
               This is my girlfriend, Elizabeth
               Blackmore.  She doesn't talk for another
               hour or so.

                             JESSICA LUCAS
               Pfft, I hope you were ready to break up
               with her anyway.  Deadite-fodder.  Let's
               head inside so Jane can throw some cold
               turkey tantrums.  

                            LOU TAYLOR PUCCI
               Where she'll be surrounded by gasoline, a
               shotgun, and a plethora of knives and
               sharp objects.  This IS so much better
               than rehab!

The crew SETTLE IN.  An entirely gratuitous SHOT ON THE CLOCK from the
original forces its way in for a second.

                            SHILOH FERNANDEZ
               Nobody have sex!  That'd be cliche, and
               we're striving for originality.

                            LOU TAYLOR PUCCI
               You're right.  Here's the very original
               cellar of witchcraft, including a book
               that says "Leave this book alone."

                               JANE LEVY
               Well, if the book was really dangerous,
               the last people who found it would have
               buried it or something, not just leave it
               on the table saying "Hey don't read this."

                            SHILOH FERNANDEZ
               We can't read it, it's not in English.

                            LOU TAYLOR PUCCI
               No, someone wrote translations down in
               giant, ferociously-written red letters. 
               Translating is fucking intense.

                                  BOOK
               Do not say the words "Klaatu Verata
               Nicto."

                            LOU TAYLOR PUCCI
               Klaatu Verata NiCOUGHCOUGHCOUGH.  Close
               one!

Outside, the DEMON is AWAKENED!

EXT.  "CREEPY" WOODS

JANE goes outside when THE GRUDGE appears and chases her.

                               JANE LEVY
               Eek, a demon!  It looks like me, but when
               I haven't showered!  The horror!

The CAMERA chases JANE around for a bit instead, which is considerably
more frightening.  JANE is attacked by TREE BRANCHES.

                               JANE LEVY
               A self-building Wigwam!  I'm doomed!

The DEMON JANE vomits a ROOT THING that crawls up REAL JANE'S VAGINA.

                               ROOT THING
               This movie DOES have fucking after all!

                               JANE LEVY
               Oh, gross.  That doesn't count.

Everyone else finds JANE and takes her back to the CABIN, but she
becomes a PUKING ZOMBIE so they lock her in the CELLAR.

                            SHILOH FERNANDEZ
               Wow, withdrawal is really terrible.  If
               only the roads weren't flooded we could
               get her to a doctor.

                            LOU TAYLOR PUCCI
               Actually I'm pretty sure she's possessed. 
               Her eyes are yellow, she controlled the
               weather by screaming, and she spoke in the
               voice of Lucifer.

                            SHILOH FERNANDEZ
               Yeah, I've heard those can be side effects
               of withdrawal.  She should lie down for a
               few minutes.

LOU goes to the bathroom and discovers POSSESSED JESSICA LUCAS is
CHOPPING HER MOUTH OPEN.  He runs but SLIPS ON A BANANA PEEL or part of
her FACE.  Yuck.

                            POSSESSICA LUCAS
               I KILL YOU WITH HYPODERMIC NEEDLES!

                            LOU TAYLOR PUCCI
               I kill YOU with this toilet tank cover!

                            POSSESSICA LUCAS
               Damn, I forgot, never bring a needle to a
               toilet tank fi-
                 (head smashed)

                            SHILOH FERNANDEZ
               Black one dead first.  Yay.

INT.  MILDLY UNNERVING CABIN - LATER

SHILOH takes LOU to the WORK SHED to tend his injuries since that's
evidently where the MEDICAL SUPPLIES are.  Meanwhile ELIZABETH BLACKMORE
decides to go into the cellar alone.

                          ELIZABETH BLACKMORE
               Are you alright, Jane?  Feeling better?

                               JANE LEVY
                 (pause)
               Really?  I mean...just...Really?

                          ELIZABETH BLACKMORE
               I know, heroin withdrawal's hard.  You can
               put down that box-cutter, I need to take
               your temperature.

                               JANE LEVY
               I'll think I'll sit here and see how long
               it takes for you to start running.

Eventually ELIZABETH starts wondering if maybe she shouldn't be here
after all when JANE CHOPS HER OWN TONGUE IN HALF and MAKES OUT WITH HER!

                          ELIZABETH BLACKMORE
               Whoo, that was hot!  Blood, I mean. 
               Devil's blood.  Lukewarm, really.

ELIZABETH escapes but an INFECTION takes over her HAND and SPREADS up
her ARM.

                          ELIZABETH BLACKMORE
                 (not actual line)
               GIVE ME BACK MY HAAAAAAND!

                               JANE LEVY
               Oh, come on!  We're at like twenty
               homages-per-scene to the original films
               and we left out that line?  What about
               "Who's laughing now?"

ELIZABETH CUTS OFF HER ARM but turns into a ZOMBIE anyway.  SHILOH
shoots her OTHER ARM and she DIES.

                            SHILOH FERNANDEZ
               Is this "Easy Mode" for zombies?  They
               don't take much to bump off.

                            LOU TAYLOR PUCCI
               The book says an evil spirit must consume
               five souls to rise from hell and it will
               rain blood.

                            SHILOH FERNANDEZ
               That won't happen, if all five of us died
               there wouldn't be anyone to fight the
               final boss.

                            LOU TAYLOR PUCCI
               Some dog died earlier, I bet that counts. 
               We can cleanse possessed souls by burning,
               burying, or dismembering them.  

                            SHILOH FERNANDEZ
               We're not killing Jane!  She just needs a
               rehab center, that's all!

                            LOU TAYLOR PUCCI
               And all the Xenomorph Aliens ever needed
               was some love.  Now shut up and pour
               gasoline on the cellar door!

                            SHILOH FERNANDEZ
               How does that burn Jane?  If she took two
               steps away from the trapdoor she'd be
               fine.

                            LOU TAYLOR PUCCI
               Just do it while she sings the "We're
               gonna get you" song.
                 (pause)
               Oh fuck, THAT got cut too?  It was in the
               trailer and everything!

SHILOH goes into the cellar armed with SEDATIVES, the same ones which
were ineffective on POSSESSED JANE earlier.  JANE tries to drown him in
the CELLAR JACUZZI.

                            LOU TAYLOR PUCCI
                 (stabbed)
               No, only the thirtieth time I've been
               stabbed so far!
                 (dies)

SHILOH sedates JANE which somehow WORKS.  He carries her outside and
digs a grave.

                            SHILOH FERNANDEZ
               Hmm, that dress doesn't match her wounds. 
               Let me get her red dress.

He PUTS A NEW DRESS ON HER, since the climax was accidently filmed with
JANE in a different dress than the other one she's been wearing.  SHILOH
starts BURYING HER.

                               JANE LEVY
               I know you hate me, Shiloh.  You never
               loved me.

                            SHILOH FERNANDEZ
               Your stinging words disturb me with their
               truth!
                 (pause)
               But I risked becoming a soulless monster
               just for a tiny chance of saving you. 
               That's hardcore sibling devotion right
               there, of course I love you.  I don't know
               why this bothers me at all.

He BURIES her, DIGS HER UP, and REVIVES HER with a HOMEMADE
DEFIBRILLATOR because DEFIBRILLATORS are ALWAYS MAGIC.

                               JANE LEVY
               I'm alive!  My injuries are gone!  And
               seemingly my addiction, too!

                            SHILOH FERNANDEZ
               See, this WAS better than rehab.  Now wait
               outside while I go into the dark house
               alone and get the car keys.

SHILOH walks in and stops to reminisce over some sad pictures, since ALL
DANGER HAS PASSED.

                            LOU TAYLOR PUCCI
                 (possessed)
               Alright, now you're just poking Death with
               your dick to see what happens.
                 (stabs Shiloh)
               You had that coming, dammit.

SHILOH, as he dies, uses GASOLINE to BLOW UP THE CABIN.  JANE survives
thanks to a BLAST-PROOF WOODEN DOOR.

                               JANE LEVY
               I made it?  No way, I didn't even have to
               fight any-

CUE: DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC

The sky FLASHES and RAINS BLOOD.  The GROUND SWELLS and OPENS.  Out
crawls...ANOTHER REGULAR ZOMBIE!

                               JANE LEVY
               AUGH!  Heyyyy, you're the same evil
               version of me from the beginning!

                             EVIL JANE LEVY
               No, I am returned in FLESH!  I can growl
               and slowly run knives over your leg
               instead of attacking you with trees and
               rape-roots!

JANE chops off EVIL JANE'S LEGS with a CHAINSAW.

                               JANE LEVY
               Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no
               legs left.

                             EVIL JANE LEVY
               It's just a flesh wound!  Have at me then!

                               JANE LEVY
               How did you even get here?  Everyone else
               burned up, burning saves souls.  Shiloh
               wasn't even possessed yet.  And I came
               back.  You're two souls short of five, and
               that's WITH the dog.

EVIL JANE tips the CAR over, pinning JANE on the ARM.

                               JANE LEVY
                 (still not actual line)
               GIVE ME BACK MY HAAAAND!

She tries to reach the CHAINSAW to CUT HER HAND OFF, but it's just too
far away!

                             EVIL JANE LEVY
               What now?  You can't lasso the chainsaw
               with your necklace, you dropped it by the
               house!

                               JANE LEVY
               Then I'll rip my hand off with brute
               force!

                             EVIL JANE LEVY
               Are you shitting me?

                               JANE LEVY
               Yep.  Right in the mouth.  And calling it
               chocolate pudding.

She PULLS her arm off, picks up the chainsaw, and stands over the EVIL
JANE, who HAS NO LEGS.

                             EVIL JANE LEVY
               I'm STILL GOING TO WIN! 
               I'm...(urg)...pulling myself toward you as
               fast as I can!

                               JANE LEVY
               The only thing you're winning tonight is
               the Triple-Gore Splatter-Death
               Achievement.  Swallow THIS.
                 (BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ)

JANE WINS.  The blood rain STOPS.  Daylight comes.  All is well.

                             BRUCE CAMPBELL
                 (appearing in credits)
               Hey, you can't make fun of an Evil Dead
               movie.  They're not supposed to be taken
               seriously.

                               JANE LEVY
               Maybe yours weren't.  This one sure was. 
               Did you hear, we may be appearing in a
               future sequel together!

                             BRUCE CAMPBELL
               GROOVY!

They STUB-FIVE.

END

All this time, we were only teaching the Angry Birds how to destroy us.

Author's note: Special thanks go out to my wife Barbara, who was (as ever) instrumental in pinpointing the many, many, many things wrong with this movie. Now, please enjoy!

FADE IN:

EXT.  POST-APOCALYPTIC LANDSCAPE

TOM CRUISE patrols the devastated Earth in his BUBBLESHIP while leaving
a DIARY ENTRY in a diary that we never see which is addressed to nobody.

                            TOM CRUISE (V/O)
               Sixty years ago, aliens declared war by
               stealing our Moon and replacing it with a
               giant matte painting.  This caused giant
               earthquakes to swallow up New York and
               obliterate all its tall, imposing
               landmarks.  Somehow I survived.

TOM stretches upwards to gently tap the ELVIS BOBBLEHEAD on his
dashboard.

                            TOM CRUISE (V/O)
               Most humans fled to Titan, while my
               partner and I were put in cryosleep and
               revived later, to guard what remains.  Our
               memories have been wiped so that we can't
               divulge any sensitive information like, oh
               let's say, where all the humans went.

TOM flies past some GIANT FLOATING DEHUMIDIFIERS busy turning water into
fuel to send to Titan which is full of ice which is water.

                            TOM CRUISE (V/O)
               Although the war is over, we are under
               constant threat of attack from alien
               Scavengers, because the war is not over. 
               Accordingly, we've stuck all our command
               towers on top of 800-foot-tall flagpoles
               the width of a coffee mug.
                 (pause)
               But the bullshittiness of my situation
               doesn't trouble me half as much as my
               mysterious dreams of Olga Kurylenko. 
               There's just something about her I can't
               quite put my dick into.  Er, finger into. 
               ON.  Dammit.

                           ANDREA RISEBOROUGH
                 (over intercom)
               Hey Tom it's me, back at the command post
               that I never leave? There's a broken robot
               drone in a stadium for you to fix.  I'd
               chat more but there's a casserole in the
               oven, bye!

INT.  POST-APOCALYPTIC FOOTBALL STADIUM STILL ABOVE GROUND BECAUSE THE
EARTHQUAKE WAS A GIANTS FAN OR SOMETHING

TOM lands and finds the broken DRONE.  

                               TOM CRUISE
               Hm, it's missing the part that's either a
               power cell or a toner cartridge.  I'd
               better go find it, but first I'll switch
               from my plane to a motorcycle so I can
               both travel slower and see less.

TOM gets his WII RIFLE from the WII PLANE, assembles his WII BIKE, and
heads out.  He finds a LIBRARY HOLE and RAPPELS into it!

INT.  NY PUBLIC LIBRARY

                               TOM CRUISE
               Hope there's a set of Jack Reacher novels
               down here...  still haven't read "Echo
               Burning" or "61 Hours" yet.  Though of
               course I've seen the whole series of
               acclaimed blockbuster films!
                 (looks around)
               But strangely, given the war started
               post-2017, there's nothing but hardbound
               books from the 1930s.  Darn.

Suddenly SCAVENGERS attack while being VERY CAREFUL to not show
themselves JUST YET!  TOM manages to ESCAPE but his BIKE is gone!

                               TOM CRUISE
               Aw crap, now I'm stranded miles away from
               my ship in hostile desert and...
                 (returns to ship)
               ...okaaaay then.

INT.  TOM'S SKY CONDO

TOM arrives with a surprise gift for ANDREA.

                                 TOMM-E
                 (offering flower)
               eeeEEEE-VVAAAaa

                           ANDREA RISEBOROUGH
               Ew, gross!!
                 (throws away flower)
               Who KNOWS what poisons that absorbed from
               the horribly contaminated earth!  Now,
               let's go have sex in our open-air swimming
               pool that is exposed to both toxic
               rainfall AND outside attack.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Sure!  Then maybe later, we can continue
               safeguarding humanity in this grim
               dystopia over some martinis in the
               billiards room.

EXT.  ON PATROL - THE NEXT DAY

TOM is flying around.

                           ANDREA RISEBOROUGH
                 (over mike)
               ...anyway, I need to go finish up my
               beehive hairdo and do the ironing. 
               Remember, don't cross the imaginary
               boundary where lethal radiation stops
               abruptly in mid-air for no reason.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Roger to that completely logically sound
               request!
                 (signs off)
               Hm, what to do.  Guess I'll fly under the
               radar to get some on the down low.
                 (pause)
               Get some personal time, that is.  By
               flying down, beneath radar coverage, to a
               lower altitude where...  oh, fuck you all.

TOM flies to his secret hideaway L.L. BEAN CATALOG and scores a huge
SALE on 100% COTTON PLAID SHIRTS before remembering there's a movie to
get on with.

EXT.  BACK ON PATROL

TOM spots a CRASH SITE!  Investigating, he finds PODS with HUMANS in
them, including OLGA KURYLENKO!  But a bunch of ROBOT DRONES arrive and
start SHOOTING the PODS!

                                 DRONES
               ARRRGH WE WERE COOL WITH YOU BEING IN
               ORBIT BUT NOW YOU MUST DIE!!!  KILL
               HUMANS!!  KILL ALL THE HUMANS!!

                               TOM CRUISE
               NOOO!!  Well, not Olga anyway.  I command
               you to stop!

                                 DRONES
               WE CANNOT KILL THIS PARTICULAR HUMAN! 
               WHAT, EVEN THOUGH HE HAS LEARNED OF OUR
               ORDERS TO KILL HUMANS, SERIOUSLY?  THERE'S
               NO EXCEPTION BUILT INTO OUR PROGRAMMING
               THAT...  FINE, WE'RE LEAVING!

INT.  SKY CONDO

TOM and ANDREA share dinner with OLGA using the THIRD CHAIR and PLACE
SETTING that every lone pair of sentinels on an abandoned planet has.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Is there anything you want to tell us,
               Olga?

                             OLGA KURYLENKO
               What, about you being my husband, and me
               remembering that along with a bunch of
               other things?  

                               TOM CRUISE
               For example.

                             OLGA KURYLENKO
               No thanks.  Lovely casserole though,
               Andrea.  

                           ANDREA RISEBOROUGH
               I'm glad you like it!  The secret
               ingredient is for you to go fuck a hot
               curling iron you homewrecking slut.
                 (smiles)

                               TOM CRUISE
                 (pause)
               Maybe we should skip Pictionary tonight.

TOM and OLGA return to the CRASH SITE where OLGA finds her FLIGHT
RECORDER and TOM finds a RIFLE BUTT TO THE FACE.  Meanwhile ANDREA
checks in with MELISSA LEO who is TOTALLY 100% HUMAN AND NOT A COMPUTER
AT ALL.

                              MELISSA LEO
                 (on monitor)
               So is it another day in paradise?  Are you
               an effective team?  Also, have you gotten
               utterly sick of having the same
               conversation each and every single day
               yet?

                           ANDREA RISEBOROUGH
               Yes, yes, and strangely, no.

                              MELISSA LEO
                 (sighs)
               I should just admit I'm a goddamn
               computer.  I could still pretend to be a
               good computer, like Jarvis to your Iron
               Man or something.  It would be less
               idiotic than pretending to be a human who
               only knows ten different sentences.

INT.  GENERIC DARK & DIRTY INDUSTRIAL MULTI-LEVEL SET -- THINK ALIEN 3
BUT WITH HAIR

Rebel leader MORGAN FREEMAN organizes his troops.

                             MORGAN FREEMAN
               Alright everyone, line up single file all
               the way around...  wait, we have a gap
               over on the third catwalk.  Bill, move up
               there and you guys spread out a bit
               more...  more...  that's good.  Now cut
               the lights, I want this to be super
               dramatic.  Bring him in!
                 (dramatically)
               Welcome, Tom.

                               TOM CRUISE
                 (tied to chair)
               Okay, full points for choreography, but I
               don't trust you.

                             MORGAN FREEMAN
               No need.  I will kill Olga unless you do
               as we ask!

Just then a DRONE attacks!  It kills several guards before NIKOLAJ
COSTER-WALDAU shoots its BIG HONKING EXPOSED OFF-BUTTON that stops JUST
SHORT of having a LITERAL BULLS-EYE painted on it in NEON.

                         NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU
               Guess I won THAT round of "Game of
               Drones", eh?  Ha, ha, ha.
                 (pause)
               Because I play Jamie Lannister on Game
               of...

                               TOM CRUISE
               Yeah, yeah, we got it.  I guess now we go
               back to the help-us-or-we-kill-Olga
               situation?

                             MORGAN FREEMAN
               Eh, we could, but I won't.  Get outta
               here, you crazy kids!
                 (returns Tom's bike)

TOM and OLGA get on the BIKE and go TEARING OFF without asking where the
hell they even are.

                         NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU
                 (pause)
               So, the drones have pinpointed our
               position.  Think we should move our
               hideout?

                             MORGAN FREEMAN
               Nah.

                         NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU
               Oh.  We gonna do anything at all until our
               next scene?

                             MORGAN FREEMAN
               Nope.
                 (goes to crafts services table)

EXT.  BARELY EXPOSED TOP OF EMPIRE STATE BUILDING

                               TOM CRUISE
               I happen to know there's a Scavenger
               beacon here that we can use to call my
               ship.  And hey, this is ALSO the location
               where my dreams about you are set, and
               isn't that convenient.

                             OLGA KURYLENKO
               I think it's finally time for me to share
               the truth.  We're married and everything
               you believe is a lie and gosh this would
               have been WAY more useful to tell you
               about ten minutes ago.

                               TOM CRUISE
               I remember now!  I made you look through
               the binoculars and then shoved a diamond
               ring in your face, so that you would be
               too disoriented to refuse my proposal!  

They KISS, just as TOM'S SHIP arrives to beam VIDEO of it to ANDREA in a
sublime burst of SITCOM TIMING.  TOM and OLGA head back to the SKY
CONDO, only to find that ANDREA has locked the door and is blasting
ADELE.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Dammit Andrea open up!  I've learned
               crucial things that change everything
               about who we are and the world we live in!
                Not to mention the fate of all humanity!

                           ANDREA RISEBOROUGH
               No, I don't care what's at stake, or how
               much of an adult scientist I'm supposed to
               be, I insist on dealing with this at the
               level of a high school love triangle!!

                             MELISSA LEOBOT
                 (over speakers)
               Can I just butt in to ask if you're an
               effective team still, even though anyone
               with the brain of an ant could see you're
               not?  Apparently I still need your
               permission to kill you both even though my
               cover story's totally blown.

                           ANDREA RISEBOROUGH
                 (bursting into tears)
               NO WE'RE NOT AN EFFECTIVE TEAM BECAUSE
               STUPID TOM AND HIS STUPID BITCH WHORE ARE
               STUPID
                 (sobs through Nicholas Sparks marathon
                 while mainlining Haagen-Daas)

                             MELISSA LEOBOT
               Right then!

A DRONE arrives and SHOOTS ANDREA, but she dies OFFSCREEN so as to be
properly LADYLIKE.  Then BANE THE DRONE advances to kill
BATMAN TOM CRUISE, but at the last second CATWOMAN OLGA
KURYLENKO shoots it from the BATPOD BUBBLEPLANE sending
him it flying across the room in a heap, presumably dead
deactivated!  TOM runs to the BUBBLEPLANE!

                             OLGA KURYLENKO
               Oh crap, Melissa launched three more Angry
               Drones at us, and our house is almost
               totally smashed already!  

                               TOM CRUISE
               I know, let's lure them into a stormcloud
               so they can be hit by lightning!  It won't
               hurt them, but it WILL tie back nicely to
               an earlier scene that also achieved
               nothing.

TOM flies into a CANYON, that great equalizer of ALL SCI-FI DOGFIGHTS. 
Seriously, ALL OF THEM.  

                               TOM CRUISE
               Now let's sneak up behind the drones even
               though they can shoot backwards.  And for
               that matter so can we, which makes all
               this maneuvering behind each other just a
               wee bit UTTERLY FUCKING POINTLESS.

TOM destroys TWO of the drones, but the last one activates its TV CAR
CHASE mode and begins SLAMMING the side of the BUBBLEPLANE!  They CRASH
inside the RADIOACTIVE ZONE!

EXT.  SAND DUNES

TOM leaves the crash site and, shockingly, finds himself FACE-TO-FACE
with a very similar-looking man in a very familiar-looking jumpsuit... 
who proves to be none other THAN...

                           SAM ROCKWELL FROM
                                 'MOON'
                 (awkwardly)
               Oh, hey.  I think you want the next
               quadrant over.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Oops!

TOM returns to the BUBBLESHIP, TAKES OFF and RECRASHES and, shockingly,
finds himself FACE-TO-FACE with ANOTHER similar-looking man who proves
to be...  ANOTHER TOM CRUISE!!

                            OTHER TOM CRUISE
               What the hell?  Who the fuck are you?

                               TOM CRUISE
               Calm down, I can explain everything.  But
               I explain best by using punches to the
               face!

They FIGHT!  TOM jams OTHER TOM'S HEAD into his CROTCH and SQUEEZES,
instantly turning the movie into the MOST EXPENSIVE AUTOEROTIC
ASPHYXIATION VIDEO of ALL TIME.  OTHER TOM passes out and TOM ties him
up!

                               TOM CRUISE
               Wow, he has a number 52 on his ship and
               outfit where I have 49!  And he has yellow
               where I have blue!
                 (thinks)
               The drones are after me, so maybe I should
               disguise myself as him.  Of course, this
               being one of the exceedingly rare times
               where it would make sense for the hero's
               stolen outfit to fit perfectly, it WON'T
               happen.  

                             OLGA KURYLENKO
               Can I just point out that the one stray
               bullet you fired during that fight did NOT
               hit the endless amounts of wide-open
               desert, but instead hit me, in the
               stomach?
                 (collapses)

INT.  SKY CONDO #52

TOM shows up to grab a MEDIKIT and runs into ANDREA-52.

                          ANDREA CLONESBOROUGH
               Hello Tom!  I'm not going to react at all
               to your bashed-up face and utterly wrong
               outfit.  Our female brains are just that
               much easier to wash, I guess!  Tee hee!
                 (forms bridge club)

                               TOM CRUISE
               Damn right, no way would I be so easily
               indoctrinated into such a manipulative,
               controlling belief system and made to be
               its unwitting slave and COME ON, REALLY?! 
               Does EVERY goddamn script with me in it
               need its VERY OWN cheap Scientology
               joke?!?  Fuck's SAKE, people!!
                 (storms off)

TOM returns to OLGA, noting that in the meanwhile TOM-52 managed to
ESCAPE and then TOTALLY DITCH OLGA and RUN OFF, making him something of
a DOUCHEBAG which would be fine if he weren't going to be HEROICALLY
RE-INTRODUCED later.

EXT.  TOM'S HIDEAWAY

TOM putts around while OLGA rests and the audience takes a BATHROOM
BREAK.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Hey, remember that romantic moment we had
               when I said that one day we'd both be dead
               and gone and rotting in a ditch somewhere
               and nobody would remember us?

                             OLGA KURYLENKO
                 (frowns)
               Yeah...  why are we married?

EXT.  MORGAN'S HIDEOUT

TOM and OLGA return in the BUBBLESHIP that is linked directly to MELISSA
LEOBOT in case she forgot where the rebel hideout is.

                               TOM CRUISE
               So I guess this is the part where you tell
               me what you could have said last time.

                             MORGAN FREEMAN
               To be fair, LAST time all you knew was
               that your allegedly alien enemies were
               actually human, and your allegedly human
               bosses wanted all humans dead.  THIS time
               you know all that, plus you know that
               there are clones of you.

                               TOM CRUISE
               I am swayed by your having THREE pieces of
               solid evidence, instead of merely two!  I
               will now trust everything you say.  

                             MORGAN FREEMAN
               Okay then.  So sixty years back, Melissa
               Leobot made an army of thousands of clones
               of you, and used it to win the war.  I can
               only assume that the thousands of Andrea
               clones were back home forming auxiliary
               societies and expanding the role of women
               in the workplace, setting the stage for
               the liberation movement of the 1970s in
               which...  

                               TOM CRUISE
                 (interrupting)
               Hold on.  So before, they could brainwash
               me into killing truckloads of humans,
               alongside clones of myself, without
               batting an eye; but now they can't even
               convince me to be a goddamn repairman
               without me getting all "BUT I HAVE
               MEMORIES OF MY WIFE BLUB BLUB WAAAAAAAH"?

                             MORGAN FREEMAN
               Yes, that's exactly right.  So will you
               help us destroy Melissa?

                               TOM CRUISE
               Fucking right, the whole damn movie
               deserves to be fragged at this point.
                 (thinks)
               I've got an idea.  We could tell all my
               clones the truth, and since the drones are
               programmed not to kill me, we could easily
               take them down.  Then we'd have all you
               guys, my clone army, and all the drones to
               fight the one mothership with.  Plus, the
               Andreas could make SO MUCH casserole
               that...

                                 MORGAN
                 (waves hand)
               We could do that, but then we'd come
               dangerously close to NOT doing something
               the audience has seen a million times
               before.  So instead we're going with the
               single-explosive-in-the-heart-of-the-mothe
               rship plan.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Fine, I'll help.  And since it'll take a
               while to set up, maybe this is a good time
               to listen to that flight recorder.
                 (ignores flight recorder)

INT.  MEANWHILE ON THE ALIEN SHIP

                             MELISSA LEOBOT
               Lum tee tum.
                 (pause)
               Oh, right, I was going to destroy that
               resistance base thingie.  God, I start
               playing Words With Drones and suddenly ten
               hours are just gone.

INT.  MORGAN'S HIDEOUT

DRONES attack!  We spend some time watching ROBOTS kill EXTRAS and it is
JUST THAT THRILLING.  Meanwhile OLGA does some critical RUNNING
ALONGSIDE CHILDREN until being cornered by a DRONE...  which is shot
down by NIKOLAJ!  

                             OLGA KURYLENKO
               Dammit, Nik, I could have handled that.

                         NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU
               Look, we let you defeat one drone already,
               two might have given you vapours.  

                             OLGA KURYLENKO
               I just want to contribute something
               tangible to the plot...
                 (thinks)
               Hey, earlier on, Melissa asked Tom to
               bring me to her.  Maybe I could sacrifice
               myself along with Tom, thus gaining some
               semblance of equal footing with him?

                               TOM CRUISE
               Good point, but Morgan is old, badly
               wounded, and most crucially male, so I'll
               take him instead.  Tell you what though,
               I'll seal you back in your pod and just
               let you THINK that you're about to die and
               are experiencing your final moments, for
               no reason at all.  

                             OLGA KURYLENKO
               Seriously.  WHY did I marry this asshole?

EXT.  SPACE

TOM and MORGAN take TOM-52'S BUBBLESHIP towards the ALIEN SHIP and are
brought INSIDE.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Now THIS is the best time to listen to
               that flight recorder FOR SURE!
                                                                 CUT TO:

INT.  TOM'S ORIGINAL SHIP - FLASHBACK

TOM and ANDREA fly towards the ALIEN SHIP.

                           ANDREA RISEBOROUGH
               Check it out, I was your co-pilot with a
               crush on you!  And your wife's in
               cryosleep as we all go on this vastly
               important mission.  Psychological risk
               assessments can go eat a dick, am I right?

                               TOM CRUISE
               Wait, why are we using cryosleep for a
               three-hour flight...
                 (alarm sounds)
               Arrrgh, we are caught in a tractor beam! 
               Firing thrusters in full reverse does
               nothing!  Must save the sleep module by
               pushing it gently away from us!

This WORKS because FUCK IT.
                                                                 CUT TO:

INT.  ALIEN SHIP

TOM'S SHIP, which STILL DOES NOT MATCH HIS OUTFIT BY THE WAY, gently
floats past the areas that manufacture the clones' BEDSHEETS and
GLASSWARES.

                               TOM CRUISE
               I sure hope that listening to this
               recording doesn't give us away.

                             MELISSA LEOBOT
               Huh?  Oh, don't worry, my scanning
               equipment is only as precise as the plot
               needs it to be at any split-second.  I
               mean earlier on, I tracked your DNA trail
               from orbit, and now I don't even notice
               that your passenger has a cock where her
               vagina should be.

                               TOM CRUISE
               So what happens if I just straight-up tell
               you I'm here to try and save humanity?

                             MELISSA LEOBOT
               Why, nothing!

TOM is brought DEEPER inside the GIANT INVERTED-PYRAMID ALIEN SHIP,
through a series of SMALLER INVERTED PYRAMIDS with INVERTED PYRAMID
DOORS leading to the shocking final reveal of HOLY FUCKING SHIT AN
INVERTED PYRAMID OKAY MIND OFFICIALLY BLOWN DUDE

                             MELISSA LEOBOT
               Hi, I'm your evil computer overlord.  Go
               ahead, ask me anything!

                               TOM CRUISE
               Okay.  Why does a marauding alien computer
               from deep space have drones that need
               humans to fix them?  

                             MORGAN FREEMAN
               And why do you bother giving the clones
               different numbers and colour schemes if
               they're never supposed to interact?  You
               can travel between galaxies but can't
               create a "tom_clone_list.xls" file?

                               TOM CRUISE
               And why concoct a fake story so easily
               disproven by basic reasoning, or MY OWN
               EYES, when you could just as easily say
               "Evil humans destroyed the Moon so we
               cloned you to fight them"?  

                             MORGAN FREEMAN
               And why keep making clones with his
               memories?  It's been 60 years since the
               war, why haven't you grown new humans from
               scratch that have no pesky memories of
               their own?

                             MELISSA LEOBOT
                 (laughing)
               Fools, you can blast my stupid, stupid
               plans all you want, but without some kind
               of detonation device, it's all for
               nothing!  I win!

                               TOM CRUISE
                 (sighs)
               I guess so.  Remind me...  what's this
               film rated again?

                             MELISSA LEOBOT
               PG-13, of course.  But why...
                 (realizes)
               ...oh no!  NOOO!

                               TOM CRUISE
               That's right, I've got exactly ONE F-BOMB
               to use, and I've saved it for RIGHT NOW! 
               So SWEET DREAMS, AND FUUUUUUUUU.....

TOM drops the F-BOMB, EXPLODING the MOTHERSHIP!!

EXT.  A CLONE TOM'S CABIN

OLGA is busy HOMESCHOOLING her new toddler when NIKOLAJ and the REBELS
arrive, led by...

                               TOM CRUISE
               It's me, Tom-52, the guy who left you
               alone to die in the desert earlier!  I've
               come here to be your husband.

                             OLGA KURYLENKO
                 (smiling)
               How romantic and noble of you!
                 (checks schedule)
               Well, Tom-33 is on cleaning duty right
               now, you could help him out.  Then I have
               dinner planned with Tom-14 and Tom-71, but
               there is a spot left in the 3am-4am
               "fucking my brains out" session, I only
               have two clones booked there.  

                               TOM CRUISE
               Two other dudes?  I, er, am prepared to
               make this sacrifice, ah, to be with you.
                 (begins lubeing self)

                                ZOE BELL
               I was here all along!

Their enemy having finally been defeated, HUMANITY begins to REBUILD and
RISE AGAIN while occasionally dodging ENORMOUS CHUNKS OF MOON crashing
down on them until enough Moon is gone that our solar orbit becomes
hopelessly erratic finally casting the Earth into the depths of empty
space where all life freezes to death forever.

END

Lee Child suddenly realised why his cameo stressed that he had to remain seated.

FADE IN:

EXT.  PARKING GARAGE - PITTSBURGH

The OPENING CREDITS list the ACTORS in the same font as the TITLE,
making it seem like THERE IS NO TITLE and JACK REACHER is just SOME
GUY'S SHITTY SCREEN NAME.  

JAI COURTNEY enters a PARKING GARAGE overlooking a PEACEFUL VERDANT
RIVERSIDE PARK and lines up a SNIPER RIFLE.  He shoots FIVE PEOPLE and
POSTPONES THE MOVIE'S PREMIERE SCREENING by, like, A DAY.

INT.  DISTRICT ATTORNEY'S OFFICE - PITTSBURGH

DISTRICT ATTORNEY RICHARD JENKINS is going over the CASE with DETECTIVE
DAVID OYELOWO.

                             DAVID OYELOWO
               Evidence at the scene led to the arrest of
               one Joseph Sikora.  Since the audience saw
               that it was in fact Jai Courtney, say
               goodbye to any sense of mystery.

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               That sounds like we're dealing with an
               adaptation of the ninth Jack Reacher book.
                Makes sense, why risk an original story
               when you can just bank on the rabid
               fanbase of an established property?

                             DAVID OYELOWO
               The ninth?  How will we introduce the main
               character if he's already got eight books'
               worth of backstory to his name?

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               Rather than illustrate what an elusive
               badass he is, let's just rattle off a few
               clichéd taglines that explain it.

                             DAVID OYELOWO
               How about "the man's a ghost."

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               Ooh, I like that.  Uhmm -- "you can't find
               him unless he wants to be found."

                             DAVID OYELOWO
               Good one!  Now let's cut to a brief shot
               of him lying on a motel room bed while a
               hot woman gets dressed, because obviously
               he's a charismatic ladies' man as well.

                             ROSAMUND PIKE
               Gentlemen, can we get to the matter at
               hand?

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               Alright, Rosamund who is my daughter and
               also a defence attorney and totally not a
               conflict of interest in this case.

                             ROSAMUND PIKE
               We need to prove that Anthony Hopkins
               killed his wife.

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               What?  No, I think you have this movie
               confused with Fracture.  Honest mistake,
               since you play pretty much the same role
               in both movies.

Suddenly, TOM CRUISE and TOM CRUISE'S SHIT-EATING GRIN enter.

                             DAVID OYELOWO
               Tom, what are you doing here?  If you're
               looking for the set of Oblivion, that's
               one room over.  The one with Morgan
               Freeman and all the green screens in it.

                               TOM CRUISE
               No no, I'm the star.  I'm Jack Reacher.

                             DAVID OYELOWO
               Well, that's a bit of a stretch.  Or in
               this case, whatever the opposite of a
               stretch is.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Come on, if they can turn Liam Neeson into
               an action star, my age shouldn't be a
               problem.

                             DAVID OYELOWO
               I wasn't referring to your crow's feet. 
               Isn't Jack Reacher supposed to be tall and
               built like a brick shithouse?

                               TOM CRUISE
               Ugh, not that again!  Look, Jack Reacher's
               formidable height is actually a metaphor
               for an unstoppable force, which I portray
               in my own way by always leading with my
               chest.

                             DAVID OYELOWO
               Then why does this scene consist solely of
               over-the-shoulder shots that make you seem
               bigger?

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               And you're the only one not sitting down.

                             DAVID OYELOWO
               And you were introduced lying down on a
               bed.

                             ROSAMUND PIKE
               And that was followed by a bunch of quick
               shots that only showed parts of your
               weirdly proportioned body.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Let's just get to the next scene, okay? 
               Incidentally, we're starting that one from
               a bird's-eye view.

INT.  HOSPITAL - PITTSBURGH

TOM and ROSAMUND visit JOSEPH SIKORA, who is UNCONSCIOUS.

                             ROSAMUND PIKE
               Just when he thought he was actually
               getting some lines, he was beaten into a
               coma by his fellow inmates.

                               TOM CRUISE
               I have a feeling that Joseph was framed.  

                             ROSAMUND PIKE
               I suppose your sheer badassery also
               translates to your investigative skills,
               meaning whatever outlandish theories you
               come up with will always prove to be
               correct?

                               TOM CRUISE
               Fuck a sense of mystery, right?  Anyways,
               why don't you look into the victims of the
               shooting while I go sit around and wait
               for leads to fall into my lap.

INT.  BAR - PITTSBURGH

TOM is sitting in a BAR, where ALEXIA FAST starts COMING ON to him.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Well, I could use a little rebound.  You
               fit the age category too and oh wait sorry
               you're a lead in the case, right?

                              ALEXIA FAST
               How dare you sit there and not let me fall
               into your lap!  My boyfriend Josh Helman
               will beat the snot out of you!

                              JOSH HELMAN
               You messing with my girl there, brah? 
               That seriously unpops my collar!  We're
               going outside for a fight right now!  I'm
               pretty sure that will work out great for
               me, given the way such scenes have ended
               in all those movies I've never seen!

TOM completely annihilates JOSH and his FELLOW BRODUDES by KICKING THEM
IN THE NUTS, indicating that HE DOESN'T PLAY BY THE RULES, MAN.  He gets
ARRESTED and ROSAMUND bails him out.

                             ROSAMUND PIKE
               "A bit of a troublemaker, aren't you?"
               Richard Jenkins told me to say that.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Did you look into the victims and humanise
               this case like I asked?

                             ROSAMUND PIKE
               I did.  They were all about to turn their
               lives around for the better.  One of them
               was going to donate kittens to an
               orphanage.

                               TOM CRUISE
               According to my badass skills of blatant
               assumption, I think they were really all
               colossal douchebags.  Wait, was this one
               victim reneging on the sale of her late
               husband's construction company?  That's
               the key to this whole thing!  Someone
               wanted control over that company!  Whoa,
               all the tension and excitement of
               government construction contracts over
               here.

                             ROSAMUND PIKE
               Please don't tell me that the other
               victims were killed and Joseph Sikora was
               framed so no one would look into that
               woman specifically.  I've so had it with
               needlessly convoluted murder schemes.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Oh, and I figured out a way to introduce
               some mystery.  I have a feeling either
               Richard Jenkins or David Oyelowo is in on
               the whole thing.

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               Oh good, because we really don't have
               anything else to do around here.

                             DAVID OYELOWO
                 (looking up from his newspaper)
               Hmm?

INT.  PARTS STORE - PITTSBURGH

TOM follows a trail of COMICALLY INEFFECTIVE GOONS and tracks down
ALEXIA FAST at a PARTS STORE.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Hello, Alexia.  No, don't get up. 
               Seriously, do not get up.  STAY IN YOUR
               SEAT!

                              ALEXIA FAST
               What do you want?

                               TOM CRUISE
               I have an inevitably accurate feeling your
               boyfriend was hired to discourage me from
               pursuing this case by instigating that bar
               fight, which fits the bad guys' tendency
               to engage in needlessly convoluted
               schemes.

                              ALEXIA FAST
               Yup, spot on.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Man, I have got grasping at straws down to
               a science.  There should be a name for
               that.  Scienceology or something.  I'll
               think of it later.

INT.  MOTEL ROOM - PITTSBURGH

TOM meets up with ROSAMUND.

                             ROSAMUND PIKE
               I've found that Joseph used to train at a
               shooting range in Ohio.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Alright, I'll go over there and --
               Rosamund?  You're doing that bug-eyed face
               again.  Well, you're doing it all the
               time, but it's more pronounced now.  Is it
               a look of shock?  Realisation?  Dread? 
               Help me out here.

                             ROSAMUND PIKE
               It's just that we're in a motel room and
               you're shirtless for some reason.  I
               suppose this is the scene where we
               inevitably sleep together.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Well, there is a shocking lack of
               chemistry between us, so let's just
               pretend to avert the trope and not do
               that.

Meanwhile, JAI COURTNEY murders ALEXIA and makes it seem like TOM did
it.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Oh no, now I'm playing a badass who's also
               being wrongfully pursued by the
               authorities!  I haven't done that since
               Minority Report and three of the last four
               Mission: Impossible movies!

                             ROSAMUND PIKE
               Don't forget about Knight and Day!

                               TOM CRUISE
               Believe me, I'm trying to.

The POLICE arrive, so TOM gets in his 1970 CHEVROLET CHEVELLE and makes
like a BULLITT.  After a FRANTIC CHASE, he rounds a CORNER and gets out
of his CAR right before the POLICE surround it.  He walks up to a GROUP
OF PEOPLE WAITING FOR THE BUS.

                               BYSTANDER
               Huddle in with us, we'll shield you from
               the police!

                               TOM CRUISE
               Why are you protecting me?  For all you
               know, I'm being pursued by the police
               because I'm an evil effeminate vampire or
               a sociopathic contract killer.

                               BYSTANDER
               Nah, you've got a good couple of movies
               left before you play another bad guy to
               shake things up.

TOM escapes the POLICE.  STICK IT TO THE MAN!

EXT.  SHOOTING RANGE - OHIO

TOM visits the SHOOTING RANGE and speaks with the OWNER, ROBERT DUVALL.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Robert Duvall?  What are you doing here? 
               Ah, this must be our glorious Days of
               Thunder reunion that absolutely no one was
               waiting for!  

                             ROBERT DUVALL
               No, this is just the commercial drivel I
               have to subject myself to once in a while
               so I can keep accepting worthwhile
               projects.  I mean, my character's name is
               Cash.  You can't get more on the nose than
               that.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Fair enough.  I'm looking for whoever
               Joseph Sikora was training with on your
               range.

                             ROBERT DUVALL
               I'll tell you, but first I must see how
               good a marksman you are for no other
               reason than to continue establishing you
               as a badass.

A FLASHBACK then shows JOSEPH hanging out with JAI COURTNEY and STILL
NOT GETTING ANY LINES.  Meanwhile, ROSAMUND is KIDNAPPED by DAVID
OYELOWO, who is STILL IN THE MOVIE.

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               Oh, I wasn't the mole?  Right, I'll be in
               the car.

INT.  BAR - PITTSBURGH

TOM returns and calls ROSAMUND on a PAYPHONE, because PAYPHONES are
still a THING whenever MOVIES need them to be.  JAI answers.

                              JAI COURTNEY
               Surprise!  We have Rosamund.  If you don't
               come over here and kill us, we'll kill
               her.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Do you have any idea what brutality I'm
               capable of in the books but not this PG-13
               adaptation?  All the ruthless shit I've
               pulled pales in comparison to what goes on
               in the books but can't be shown here!
                 (actual line)
               I'm going to beat you to death and drink
               your blood from a boot.

                              JAI COURTNEY
               That's the best you could come up with? 
               Well, I'm going to rip out your heart,
               wrap it in a handkerchief and smash it
               against the wall.  Nnyuh!

EXT.  GRAVEL QUARRY - PITTSBURGH

TOM enlists the help of ROBERT for his attack on the QUARRY where JAI
and his MEN are holding ROSAMUND.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Thanks for helping me out and risking your
               life for something you didn't want
               anything to do with five minutes ago,
               Robert.

                             ROBERT DUVALL
               Okay, you're about to launch a climactic
               attack on a group of trained men armed
               with assault rifles.  Here's a knife.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Seriously?  Oh wait, that's some fanwank
               reference to Jack Reacher not liking
               knives, isn't it?

                             ROBERT DUVALL
               Yes, but I also figured you haven't been
               able to do any frantic running in this
               movie yet, so now you're forced to.  

After RUN RUN RUNNING ALL OVER THE PLACE and KILLING some DUDES, TOM
manages to OUTWIT JAI by cleverly HIDING JUST OFF-SCREEN.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Hah, I got you!  Even though I have no
               clue what they're doing to Rosamund and I
               should hurry the fuck up, how about I toss
               my gun instead and we have a lengthy
               hand-to-hand fight?  Look, it's starting
               to rain.  We have to now.

                              JAI COURTNEY
               Just go ahead and completely annihilate me
               already.  I have to get over to the set of
               A Good Day to Die Hard to have my youthful
               presence offset yet another aging action
               star past his prime.  Shit, that's going
               to be my thing, isn't it?

                         ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
               Call me.

TOM completely annihilates JAI and then casually saunters up to the
CONSTRUCTION TRAILER, where DAVID is using ROSAMUND as a HUMAN SHIELD.

                               TOM CRUISE
               I knew it was you all along, David.  You
               thought to look for a piece of evidence
               that nobody would have known about.  Not
               even me.  That's right, my sheer badassery
               doesn't just translate to my investigative
               skills, it is one!

                             ROSAMUND PIKE
               Could've dropped that truth bomb a tad
               sooner, Tom.

                             DAVID OYELOWO
               Can I at least get another line in before
               you --

TOM shoots DAVID between ROSAMUND'S RIGHT EARLOBE and EARRING.  ROSAMUND
either FEARLESSLY DOESN'T FLINCH or has simply FORGOTTEN TO ACT.  In the
BACK of the TRAILER, TOM finds WERNER FUCKING HERZOG.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Werner Herzog?  Are you secretly shooting
               a documentary about me?

                             WERNER HERZOG
               No, I'm the villain.  This is only my
               second scene though.  I hope nobody in the
               audience sneezed twice or they might not
               even realise I'm in the movie.

                               TOM CRUISE
               But you're just sitting there.  Can't you
               pose some kind of challenge?  This has all
               been pretty effortless for me.

                             WERNER HERZOG
               Sorry, one of my eccentric character
               traits is that I chewed off my fingers
               this one time.  I can't even hold a gun. 
               They're going to blame you for all this,
               you know.  You've killed everyone else
               involved.

                               TOM CRUISE
               So you're saying I should shoot you too?

                             WERNER HERZOG
               No, see, that's exactly what you shouldn't
               --

TOM shoots WERNER because DUE PROCESS can SUCK A DICK.

                             ROSAMUND PIKE
               Now that all this is over, where will you
               go?

                               TOM CRUISE
               I guess I'll go on the run again until I
               am needed once more.  I will wander the
               country, drifting from adventure to
               adventure, meting out my own brand of
               renegade justice.

                             ROSAMUND PIKE
               You mean you'll sit around until this
               movie manages to gross enough to warrant a
               sequel and turn it into a franchise.

                               TOM CRUISE
               Yeah, that.

END

"MUST...MAINTAIN...BADASS...POSE...DESPITE...HEAD...BEING...ON...FIRE!"

FADE IN:

EXT.  FOREST

THOMAS SCHARFF abandons YOUNG JEREMY RENNER and YOUNG GEMMA ARTERTON in
the woods.

                             THOMAS SCHARFF
               Wait here, I’ll be back for you later!
                 (leaves)

                          YOUNG JEREMY RENNER
               “Back”?  So he’s not intentionally
               leaving us to starve to death?

                          YOUNG GEMMA ARTERTON
               It would appear not.

                          YOUNG JEREMY RENNER
               So we don’t need that trail of
               breadcrumbs, then.  Wait, did we even
               leave one?

                          YOUNG GEMMA ARTERTON
               I don’t think so.

                          YOUNG JEREMY RENNER
               Great.  Hansel and Gretel has like six
               plot points, how did we go off the rails
               this quickly?

They FIND THE CANDY HOUSE, then get KIDNAPPED BY THE WITCH, then STAB
and BURN and KILL her.

                          YOUNG JEREMY RENNER
               Well, that was the classic tale of Hansel
               and Gretel.  The end?

Nice try.

EXT.  TOWN SQUARE

SHERIFF PETER STORMARE is trying to rally the townspeople into burning
PIHLA VIITALA.

                             PETER STORMARE
               Friends, I’ve identified the werewolf
               that’s been terrorising-

                              TOWNSPERSON
               Wrong gritty fairy-tale reboot, numbnuts!

                             PETER STORMARE
               Right, sorry.  The WITCH that’s been
               snatching our kids is Pihla!  I came to
               this conclusion after I observed how
               generally...  witchy...  she is.  Like,
               with the red hair?  I don’t know, BURN
               HER!

But then JEREMY RENNER and GEMMA ARTERTON show up, striking the first of
many, many glassy-eyed action-hero poses.

                             JEREMY RENNER
               Not so fast, Peter!  I’m Hansel, a
               leatherbound fighter of the supernatural
               with a kickass steampunk arsenal, so
               basically a second-rate Van Helsing, if
               you can imagine that.

                             GEMMA ARTERTON
               And I’m Gretel, a totally tough and
               battle-hardened woman, as you can tell
               from the fact that I only need to be
               rescued by a male character three times in
               this movie.

                             JEREMY RENNER
               Upon careful inspection, I see that Pihla
               does NOT have demon eyes and gray,
               crenellated skin, and witches can’t hide
               their deformity except for the ones who
               can.  Let her go!

                             PETER STORMARE
               EXCUSE ME!  While I have no logical reason
               to doubt your expertise or object to your
               presence, as the local obstruct-o-crat
               it’s my job to resist any action by any
               kind of protagonist.  I think you’re
               nothing but dangerous criminals and-

                             GEMMA ARTERTON
                 (breaks Peter’s nose)

                             PETER STORMARE
               OW FUCK!  Oh yes, a cogent
               counter-argument, and such a sensible
               thing to do in front of a jittery lynch
               mob.  You know what, if only there were
               some kind of law against assaulting a
               police officer, you’d be SO under arrest
               right now!
                 (storms off)

The MAYOR assigns the siblings BJORN SUNDQUIST as an EXPENDABLE HELPER
GUY.

                            BJORN SUNDQUIST
               So, want to go looking for that witch now?

                             JEREMY RENNER
               Go witch hunting when it’s DARK?  Are
               you crazy, that’s when witches come out!

                            BJORN SUNDQUIST
               ...Um, can I see your credentials again?

INT.  WITCH CENTRAL

GRAND WITCH FAMKE JANSSEN and HEDGEHOG WITCH INGRID BOLSO BERDAL are
plotting.

                          INGRID BOLSO BERDAL
               I see you’re one of those witches who
               can make themselves look normal.  I guess
               your thing is going to be infiltration and
               subterfuge?

                             FAMKE JANSSEN
               Oh, no, this ability never becomes
               relevant in any way.  It’s just so I
               don’t have to spend the entire movie
               looking like an extra from Buffy the
               Vampire Slayer.

                          INGRID BOLSO BERDAL
               Fair enough.  Now, even though we’re
               like ninety-nine per cent of the way
               through our evil plan, it seems I have no
               idea what it is.  Explain?

                             FAMKE JANSSEN
               Well as you know, my invincibility potion
               only lasts like thirty seconds.  BUT once
               we’ve completed our bizarrely specific
               Invincibility Potion Duration Enhancement
               Ritual, all witches will be indestructible
               forever!

                          INGRID BOLSO BERDAL
               And until then, we just keep using the
               temporary version, right?

                             FAMKE JANSSEN
               Pfft, no.  Like I said, it only lasts for
               thirty seconds.

                          INGRID BOLSO BERDAL
               ...Thirty seconds of complete
               indestructibility.  Do you really not see
               how that could be useful?  Besides, maybe
               we could construct some kind of steampunk
               foam dome-

                             FAMKE JANSSEN
               PLEASE DEACTIVATE ALL COGNITIVE FUNCTION
               FOR THE DURATION OF THE FILM, THANK YOU.

EXT.  TOWN SQUARE

PIHLA approaches JEREMY.

                             PIHLA VIITALA
               Hey, thanks for saving my ass yesterday.

                             JEREMY RENNER
                 (no hint of humor)
               Oh, I just did that to make my sister
               happy.  I would have been fine to let them
               murder you, obvious innocence be damned.

                             PIHLA VIITALA
               ...Okay, I can’t tell if that’s a
               really badly-executed joke or if you’re
               being genuinely awful.

                             JEREMY RENNER
               If that’s not a perfect metaphor for
               this movie, I don’t know what is.

Suddenly, JEREMY starts to tremble and keel over, and has to give
himself an INJECTION.

                             PIHLA VIITALA
               Oh my God, what’s wrong?  Have you been
               inflicted by some kind of dark curse or
               something as a result of your adventures?

                             JEREMY RENNER
               Yes, it was that witch that tried to
               fatten me up as a kid.  She fed me too
               much candy, and I...  I got...  DIABETES.
                 (shudders)

                             PIHLA VIITALA
               ...I’m really starting to hope the
               answer is “badly-executed joke”.

EXT.  FOREST

GEMMA and JEREMY lay out some WITCH BAIT, and who should fall for it but
INGRID!

                          INGRID BOLSO BERDAL
               Hey, this isn’t a crying child, it’s a
               huge pumpkin with a wig on, next to a
               steampunk record player!  Which I would
               have realized immediately if I’d
               approached from pretty much any other
               direction.  Obviously the best response to
               this trap is stand here staring gormlessly
               at it.

She DOES, until she’s ATTACKED BY JEREMY AND GEMMA.  She tries to
escape on a flying branch, but JEREMY fires a GRAPPLING HOOK into it,
then fires a SECOND GRAPPLING HOOK into a TREE OR SOMETHING so he
doesn’t just get dragged along the ground like-

                             JEREMY RENNER
               Woah, woah.  SECOND grappling hook?  Now
               why didn’t I think of that?
                 (faceplants for a mile)

But luckily, INGRID flies right into BJORN, who takes her down with a
STEAMPUNK TASER.

                            BJORN SUNDQUIST
               Excellent!  Our plan for me to stand in a
               random spot nowhere near the fight worked,
               stupidly enough!

They take INGRID back to town and interrogate her.

                          INGRID BOLSO BERDAL
               Blah blah twelve moons blah.

                             GEMMA ARTERTON
               Having studied at the Jack Sparrow
               Institute of Bullshit MacGuffinology, I
               can figure out from your vague ramblings
               that you need to abduct a girl born in
               April in order to fill out the roster for
               your ritual.  Now we just have to check
               the town records and locate-

There is a HUGE KA-BOOM OUTSIDE.

                             GEMMA ARTERTON
               ...Or we could forget all that shit and
               just follow the explosions!

She and JEREMY charge out and find the village is being attacked by
FAMKE and ANOTHER WITCH and A REJECT FROM THE JIM HENSON COMPANY. 
JEREMY is dragged off into the woods, and FAMKE attacks GEMMA!

                             FAMKE JANSSEN
               Surprise, there’s actually one more
               random ingredient for our ritual: you! 
               Prepare to spend ninety per cent of your
               remaining screen time as a damsel in
               distress!

She KNOCKS OUT GEMMA, but then BJORN starts shooting at her.

                             FAMKE JANSSEN
               Oh look, a completely non-threatening
               shmoe.  Just because I’m in the middle
               of the most crucial part of my plan is no
               reason not to ignore Gemma altogether
               while I spend way too long subjecting this
               guy-

                             GEMMA ARTERTON
                 (rescued)

                             FAMKE JANSSEN
               -to an overly-elaborate finishing move... 
               wait, what?  Fuck!

EXT.  FOREST

JEREMY is found and revived by PIHLA.

                             PIHLA VIITALA
               I can’t help but notice that I’m the
               only woman in this movie who isn’t
               either pure evil or immediately related to
               you.  Guess we’d better fuck.

                             JEREMY RENNER
               Well, as we speak evil witches are
               finalizing their plot to sacrifice a bunch
               of little children and bring about an age
               of darkness, and I don’t know whether my
               sister is alive or dead.  But on the other
               hand,
                 (sleeps with Pihla)

Meanwhile, in a completely different part of the forest, GEMMA is
wandering around looking for JEREMY, when she stumbles across PETER and
his men, who SEIZE HER.

                             PETER STORMARE
               Excellent, it seems Bjorn’s “stand
               pretty much wherever and wait for your
               enemy to come to you” tactic is a real
               winner!  You’re under arrest.

                             GEMMA ARTERTON
               On what charges?

                             PETER STORMARE
               On the charge that, by coming here to rid
               our town of its plague of witches, you
               brought a plague of witches to this town!

                             GEMMA ARTERTON
               That doesn’t even begin to make sense!

                             PETER STORMARE
               I DON’T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE, I JUST HAVE
               TO BE AN OBSTACLE!

But then the HENSON TROLL shows up, KILLS PETER and RESCUES GEMMA.

                             GEMMA ARTERTON
               Buh?  You work for Famke, what are you
               saving me for?

                                 TROLL
               The blindingly obvious conclusion would be
               that I’m abducting you for my boss.  I
               mean, doi.  But as it happens, the real
               reason I saved you is...  trolls serve
               witches.  DUN DUN DUNNNNN.

                             GEMMA ARTERTON
               I see.  Let’s treat that as a sign that
               you’re actually a good guy, rather than
               the more reasonable interpretation that
               you have no moral compass whatsoever.

                                 TROLL
               Hey, didn’t you hear me?  I saved YOU
               because trolls serve WITCHES.  DUN DUN
               DUNNNNN.  Didn’t the implication of that
               sink in at all?

                             GEMMA ARTERTON
               With my performance in this film, I’d
               say it’s impossible to tell.

GEMMA wanders randomly some more and winds up at an OLD HOUSE.  By sheer
coincidence, so does JEREMY.

                             JEREMY RENNER
               Hey, this is the house where we grew up.

                             GEMMA ARTERTON
               Yes that is true.
                 (pause)
               Really, we have no discernible reaction to
               this either?  Come on, the muscles in my
               face are starting to atrophy here.

Suddenly, FAMKE shows up!

                             FAMKE JANSSEN
               Aha, I knew I’d find you here!

                             JEREMY RENNER
               You did?  That’s weird, considering we
               both sort of tripped over this place by
               total accident.

                             FAMKE JANSSEN
               Either way, I’ve got a bunch of
               backstory to get through, so can I get an
               exposition truce?

                             JEREMY RENNER
               Sure.  We’ll all just stand here and
               stare at each other while you yammer on
               for the next five minutes.

                             FAMKE JANSSEN
               Perfect.  See, Gemma, this ritual of ours
               requires the heart of a Grand White Witch.
                Your mother was one, and therefore you
               are too.

                             JEREMY RENNER
               Wait, a Grand WHITE Witch?  So not only is
               witchhood an accident of genetics, a
               witch's alignment is too?

                             GEMMA ARTERTON
               Huh.  Suddenly our campaign to murder
               every dark witch in the world on general
               principle seems a lot more...  genocide-y.

                             FAMKE JANSSEN
               Anyway, the last time the moon was doing
               whatever it needs to do for this ritual to
               work, your mother was too powerful for us
               to kill, so we were going to just send
               some scared villagers to take her out,
               then go after you.  That’s why she hid
               the two of you in the woods.

                             JEREMY RENNER
               Uh, and she and Dad didn’t hide too
               because why?

                             FAMKE JANSSEN
               Your mother was too proud to run.

                             JEREMY RENNER
               Too proud.  To stay alive for her
               children.  So instead she dumped us in the
               middle of the forest.  Within walking
               distance of a CHILD-EATING WITCH.

                             GEMMA ARTERTON
               And was she too proud to tell me, you
               know, ANYTHING AT ALL?  Like, “you have
               magical powers and people are going to
               want to abduct you and cut out your heart,
               just a heads up”?

                             JEREMY RENNER
               Our mother sucked and this backstory also
               sucks!  EXPOSITION TRUCE OVER!

JEREMY tries to STAB FAMKE, but she STABS HIM INSTEAD and RUNS OFF WITH
GEMMA.  Later, JEREMY wakes up to find PIHLA tending to him.

                             JEREMY RENNER
               How the hell do you keep running into me
               in the middle of nowhere?  And WAIT A
               MINUTE, MY STAB WOUND IS GONE, YOU’RE A
               WITCH!!

                             PIHLA VIITALA
               Well yeah, but a good one.  Look at my
               face.  Attractive people are good and ugly
               people are evil, remember?

                             JEREMY RENNER
               Good point.  Look, we need to go save
               Gemma from the evil witches, but every
               witch so far has been able to just zap all
               our bullets and arrows out of the way. 
               Have you got any convenient white witch
               bullshit to make the next fight less
               boringly pointless?

                             PIHLA VIITALA
               Okay, uh, oh look here’s a book of white
               magic I found in some cave just now.

                             JEREMY RENNER
               Found in a cave. Right.  You realize  it
               would have made sense for you to just own
               the book anyway?  We are now actually
               going out of our way to make the script
               idiotic.

They use the book to BLESS A BUNCH OF STEAMPUNK WEAPONS.  Then they go
to the MOUNTAIN where FAMKE AND ALL THE OTHER WITCHES are starting the
RITUAL.

                             FAMKE JANSSEN
               What?  How did you know where we were?

                             JEREMY RENNER
               ...Huh, I actually don’t have an answer
               for that.  All I have are these THOUSANDS
               AND THOUSANDS OF BULLETS.

JEREMY and PIHLA start SHOOTING THE WITCHES TO PIECES.

                                 WITCH
               GEE, WE SURE COULD DO WITH THIRTY SECONDS
               WORTH OF INVINCIBILITY RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
                 (blown apart)

Amidst the chaos, the TROLL rescues GEMMA.  AGAIN.  Then FAMKE gets
pissed and pushes him off a CLIFF.

                             GEMMA ARTERTON
               Finally, the chance to be the rescuER for
               once.  I’ll just use our taser as a
               defibrillator!  ...To cure “fell off a
               cliff”!

While GEMMA punches medical logic in the face, the sun comes out, making
it too late for the ritual.

                             FAMKE JANSSEN
               FUUUUUCK!  That’ll teach me to conduct a
               moon-related magical ritual at apparently
               six o’clock in the morning!

GEMMA and JEREMY and PIHLA despatch the witches in colorful ways until
only FAMKE remains.

                             PIHLA VIITALA
               I KILL YOU NOW, FAMKE!

                             FAMKE JANSSEN
               Oh, the white witch wants to fight, I’m
               REAL scared.  What are you going to do,
               pacifist me to death?  Har har snort!

                             PIHLA VIITALA
               Did you not notice how I just murdered
               like fifty people with a fucking Gatling
               gun?

FAMKE and PIHLA fight for like FOUR SECONDS, then PIHLA gets killed. 
Then suddenly FAMKE forgets she’s a superpowerful witch and just
starts bashing JEREMY and GEMMA with a shovel.

                             JEREMY RENNER
               In that case, I guess I’ll forget I’m
               covered in anachronistic weaponry and just
               strangle you!
                 (strangles Famke)

                             GEMMA ARTERTON
               Hold it, Jeremy.  Earlier we said the
               methods for killing a witch were burning,
               skinning, cutting off the head or cutting
               out the heart.  A million witch murders
               later, we still haven’t done ANY of that
               shit.  Maybe we should actually follow
               through on that foreshadowing this one
               time?  Just to feel like a coherent movie
               for a change?  

                             JEREMY RENNER
               Rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic,
               but if you insist.

They CUT FAMKE’S HEAD OFF.

                             JEREMY RENNER
               There you go.  And now let’s go do the
               scene where we get paid for our services,
               thus making the audience realize they
               basically just watched a movie about
               people hiring some fancy exterminators.

END.

                             GEMMA ARTERTON
               Wait up, we want to put some pointless
               extra witch hunting into the closing
               credits-

END, FUCKING END, WHY WON’T THIS MOVIE JUST DIIIIEEE

To say Naomi didn't take her Oscar loss very well was putting it mildly.

FADE IN:

INT.  AIRPLANE ON ITS WAY TO DISASTER -- ERR, THAILAND -- 2004

Married couple NAOMI WATTS and EWAN MCGREGOR are on Christmas Holiday
with their THREE SONS.

                             EWAN MCGREGOR
               Como estas, Naomi.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               Why are you speaking Spanish?

                             EWAN MCGREGOR
               This story is based on a Spanish family,
               financed by a Spanish company, written and
               directed by Spanish filmmakers, and the
               official title is in Spanish so I just
               assumed.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               Apparently no one was interested in making
               a big budget disaster film with Spanish
               actors, not even the Spanish.

                             EWAN MCGREGOR
               No matter.  I’m sure all our dialog will
               be dubbed over by hilarious Spanish voice
               actors when the film plays in Spanish
               cinemas.

THIS HAPPENS.

The plane is suddenly rocked by OMINOUS TURBULENCE.

                             EWAN MCGREGOR
               I hope God wasn’t just trying to kill
               us.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               It’s going to take a lot more than that
               to kill this family.

                                  GOD
               Challenge accepted.

INT.  OCEAN RESORT - THAILAND

                             THAI CONCIERGE
               Welcome to your room, which is completely
               new and unused.  There’s even plastic on
               the light switches.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               Yes yes, but how safe is it?

                             THAI CONCIERGE
               This resort can withstand fire,
               hurricanes, and earthquakes.

                             EWAN MCGREGOR
               What about water damage?

                             THAI CONCIERGE
               Oh look at the time.  I and every other
               Thai citizen in the country must be
               leaving the movie now.  Enjoy your stay!
                 (sprouts wings and flies away)

NAOMI, EWAN and their SONS enter the WORST FUCKING TIME TO BE IN
THAILAND SWEEPSTAKES and win a brand new TSUNAMI.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               Not to worry!  I will use my magical diary
               to create a protective barrier around
               myself that will stop the
                 (is swept away)

                                TSUNAMI
               Fuck you, Naomi.

NAOMI is trapped UNDER WATER and is hit by some DEBRIS.

                                 DEBRIS
               Fuck you, Naomi.

A branch stabs NAOMI in the LEG.

                                 BRANCH
               Fuck your leg, Naomi.

NAOMI SURFACES and grabs on to a tree when she sees her eldest son TOM
HOLLAND being swept away.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               Hold on Tom!  Mommy will save you!

NAOMI lets go of the tree and heroically saves her son is swept
away by the rushing water because TSUNAMI, REMEMBER?  She also gets
stabbed by MORE BRANCHES.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               WHY DO BRANCHES HATE ME SO MUCH?!

TOM manages to grab onto some DEBRIS.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               Tom!  Just stay there!  Don’t let go! 
               Mom will
                 (drowning)

                              TOM HOLLAND
               Oh for chrissakes.

TOM lets go of the debris and heroically saves his mother is
immediately swept away by the rushing water because FUCKING TSUNAMI,
PEOPLE.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               The fuck, Tom?!  I thought I told you to
               stay put!

                              TOM HOLLAND
               But mom!  I was just trying to save you!

                              NAOMI WATTS
               By putting yourself back in danger and
               being aimlessly swept away along with me? 
               If we survive this you are definitely
               riding the short plane back home.

NAOMI and TOM manage to grab onto a floating MATTRESS, which promptly
gives them both THE FINGER.

                                MATTRESS
               Eat my ass, Naomi.

Eventually the TSUNAMI gets tired of humping THAILAND and recedes.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               Tom, we should go look for your father and
               brothers.

                              TOM HOLLAND
               Don’t be stupid, mom.  They’re dead. 
               No one could survive something like that! 
               I mean except for us of course.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               Jesus.  What crawled up your ass and made
               you such a doubtful little shit?

                              TOM HOLLAND
               Oh I’ll give you a hint.  It’s big and
               wide and rhymes with “smoosmomi”.

NAOMI and TOM find a TODDLER.

                              TOM HOLLAND
               Holy shit, a toddler survived this
               horrific disaster?  Maybe I should take
               this as a good sign that the rest of my
               family may have also survived?

                              NAOMI WATTS
               No, you're still too much of a snotty
               little dipshit for that.

                              TOM HOLLAND
               Hey, why isn’t the little kid saying
               anything to us?

                              NAOMI WATTS
               Because he doesn’t speak English, which
               means he is forbidden from saying anything
               at all, even in his own language.

                              TOM HOLLAND
               We should take him with us.  In case we,
               you know, get hungry.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               What?

                              TOM HOLLAND
               Nothing.
                 (pause)
               I'm just saying he looks pretty tasty. 
               And it's not like we wouldn't be able to
               get away with it.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               WHAT?!

                              TOM HOLLAND
               Nothing.

NAOMI, TOM and MUTE TODDLER climb up a tree and onto a BRANCH which,
surprisingly, does NOT try to stab NAOMI to death.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               Phew.  It seems all this nearly being
               drowned and killed by branches has made me
               thirsty.

                              TOM HOLLAND
               Luckily this disaster is brought to you by
               Coca Cola.  Coca Cola, the official drink
               of disaster survivors.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               That product placement was as refreshing
               as it was distasteful.

Then they are found by some ELDERLY THAI PEOPLE.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               Oh thank God!  My wounds are getting
               infected!  You have to get me to a
               hospital fast!

                            ELDERLY THAI MAN
               Well my car is about 40 miles thata way.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               But I can’t walk that far!  How will I
               get there?

                            ELDERLY THAI MAN
               I’ll have to drag you.  Did I mention
               I’m 90 years old and weigh 100 pounds
               soaking wet?  So it should take us about
               12 weeks to get there.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               Clearly God hates me more than Chris Brown
               hates to see a woman's face go unpunched.

                            ELDERLY THAI MAN
               Well you did agree to be in Movie 43.  Who
               wouldn't want to throw a tsunami at you?

NAOMI is dragged to a VILLAGE OF MIDWIVES who communicate
TELEPATHICALLY.  They dress NAOMI in DOLL CLOTHES and ship her off to
the HOSPITAL.

INT.  SHITTY HOSPITAL

Apparently NAOMI has no MEDICAL INSURANCE so she’s treated in the MOST
SHITTIEST PART of the SHITTY HOSPITAL.

                               INFECTION
               Fuck you, Naomi.  Thanks to me you will
               spend the rest of the movie dying in a
               stinky rat infested bed covered in
               borderline zombie make-up.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               I guess that means I'll be laying on my
               ass and being as useful as untreated
               kidney stones from here on out.  The
               movie's all yours, Tom.

NAOMI's MAIN CHARACTER POWERS transfer over to TOM.

The doctors treat NAOMI and expose HER BOOBS.  TOM looks away because
that’s his MOM, DUDE.  GROSS.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               Hey Tom, want to see a magic trick?
                 (pulls 30 feet of fishing wire out of
                 her mouth)
               Tada!  I do parties and bar mitzvahs.
                 (vomits blood)
               Okay, that one wasn't a magic trick.

                              TOM HOLLAND
               Watching my mom rot in her own filth is
               much too depressing.  Time to lighten
               things up a bit by reuniting displaced
               kids with their parents!

TOM talks to SURVIVORS, many of which DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH, and sets out
to find their missing relatives, because apparently NO ONE ELSE at the
hospital has thought of doing this yet.  TOM even reunites MUTE TODDLER
with his MUTE FATHER.

                              TOM HOLLAND
               Jesus, did this tsunami manage to actually
               kill anybody?  Ewan and my brothers seem
               to be the only people not here so I guess
               that means they really must be dead.
                 (camera zooms in on his face)
               Or ARE they?

EXT.  OCEAN RESORT - 50 MINUTES EARLIER

The movie REWINDS to show us what happened to EWAN and his two younger
sons WHOSE NAMES AREN’T IMPORTANT.

                             EWAN MCGREGOR
               Not only did I survive getting hit by a
               500 foot tall tidal wave, but it put me
               back in my hotel room, tucked me in, and
               put a chocolate on my pillow.  Time for me
               to go look for Naomi and Tom!

EWAN encounters some ASSHOLE AMERICANS who have been INCONVENIENCED by
all the DEATH AND DESTRUCTION.

                             EWAN MCGREGOR
               Excuse me kind sir, might I trouble you
               for the use of your mobile?

                           ASSHOLE AMERICANS
               But of course!  Anything for a fellow
               American!

                             EWAN MCGREGOR
               But I’m British.

                           ASSHOLE AMERICANS
               Oh.  Well in that case fuck off and die
               you limey bastard.

                             EWAN MCGREGOR
               Um, maybe you haven’t noticed but I’m
               covered in bloody wounds and my wife and
               son are missing and all I want to do is
               use your phone for two seconds.

                           ASSHOLE AMERICANS
                 (checks pockets)
               Sorry, I’m all out of fucks to give. 
               Maybe next time you get hit by a natural
               disaster you’ll remember to keister
               stash your cell phone.  Deuces.

                             EWAN MCGREGOR
               Is this really how Europeans see
               Americans?  As arrogant, selfish, evil
               pricks?

                           ASSHOLE AMERICANS
               You mean the exact same way we treat
               foreigners in our films?  What ever would
               give them at idea?  Now if you’ll excuse
               us there are kittens in need of drowning
               and a maternity ward in need of being fire
               bombed.  Ta ta!

INT.  REFUGEE CAMP

EWAN meets some KINDLY EUROPEANS.

                          SAINTLY EUROPEAN GUY
               Ewan, even though I am waiting for an
               important phone call that will tell me if
               my entire family is dead or not, I will
               let you use my dying cell phone.

                             EWAN MCGREGOR
               Wow.  You’re really selfless.

                          SAINTLY EUROPEAN GUY
               No, I’m just not American.  Now allow me
               to put off looking for my own family so
               that I may help you look for yours!

                             EWAN MCGREGOR
               Holy shit.  Europeans must be the most
               loving, caring, level headed people on the
               entire planet.

                          SAINTLY EUROPEAN GUY
               Except for when it comes to attending
               soccer games, then we totally lose our
               shit.

INT.  SHITTY HOSPITAL

EWAN painstakingly searches each and every hospital he encounters, but
he only gives THIS hospital a passing glance before he is ready to MOVE
THE FUCK ON after nearly a full 60 SECONDS of searching.

But TOM catches sight of EWAN’S RIDICULOUS SWIMMING TRUNKS.

                              TOM HOLLAND
               Only my dad would dare wear that ugly
               fashion abortion out in public!
                 (pause)
               Or maybe some guy stole them off of my
               dad’s lifeless corpse and is walking
               around in them.
                 (pause)
               I think I’ll go with option A.

TOM chases after EWAN who, having somehow sensed his son’s presence,
manages to walk in the EXACT OPPOSITE FUCKING DIRECTION AND MISSES HIM
COMPLETELY.

EWAN and his OTHER SONS are about to leave.

                          EWAN’S OTHER SONS
               It’s time for us to be useful as well as
               adorable!

They delay EWAN's departure by taking a REALLY LONG PISS and randomly
spot TOM.

                          EWAN’S OTHER SONS
               Yes!  Thank the heavens for our walnut
               sized bladders!

The whole family reunites in an emotionally uplifting moment just in
time to watch NAOMI DIE.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               Um, no.  No.  I don’t die.  I’m just
               playing dead for dramatic effect.

Oh.  Then the family reunites in an emotionally uplifting moment just in
time to watch NAOMI GET HER LEG AMPUTATED.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               Um, no.  No.  That doesn’t happen
               either.  I don't even get part of my leg
               amputated like the real María Belón
               because that would fuck up our
               heavy-handed ending.  Instead I'm flown to
               a better, less shitty hospital and will
               make a full recovery and live happily ever
               after despite all the copious amounts of
               death I was near.

                             EWAN MCGREGOR
               But...  but that’s...

                              NAOMI WATTS
               IMPOSSIBLE???

END

Sadly, the Olympics are yet to recognize climb-fencing.

FADE IN:

EXT.  NORTH KOREA

THE JOES are pulling off some kind of MISSION which has FUCK-ALL to do
with ANYTHING ELSE IN THE MOVIE so WHO CARES.

                             CHANNING TATUM
               All right, time to show off our gadgetry
               and training by punching two guards,
               grabbing some guy and running away! 
               Ripcord, you go and - heyyy, you’re not
               Ripcord!

                             DWAYNE JOHNSON
               He’s not here.  Neither’s Breaker.  Or
               Heavy Duty.  Or Scarlett, General Hawk or
               absolutely any good guy from the first
               movie except you and the guy with no face
               and no lines.

                             CHANNING TATUM
               But - Ripcord’s my best friend-

                             DWAYNE JOHNSON
               I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND NOW.  FORGET ABOUT
               THE ONE YOU CALL RIPCORD.

                             CHANNING TATUM
               Ah, fuck it, that movie was ass anyway. 
               And this time we’ve got The Rock!  And
               who else?

                              D.J. COTRONA
               There’s me, Generico McBlandyface!

                            ADRIANNE PALICKI
               Also me, Boredom Jackson, world-famous
               cardboard impersonator!

                             CHANNING TATUM
               Ugh, kill me now.

                             DWAYNE JOHNSON
               No, not yet.

                             CHANNING TATUM
               What?

INT.  SITUATION ROOM

EVIL FAKE PRESIDENT JONATHAN PRYCE is meeting with his CABINET.

                          FAKE JONATHAN PRYCE
               The president of Pakistan has been
               assassinated!  I’m worried about a
               nuclear nation being in a state of
               political upheaval like this.

                               JOE CHREST
               Well, that’s reasonable-

                          FAKE JONATHAN PRYCE
               So we should totally send in one of our
               most high-profile military units to swipe
               all of their nuclear warheads!

                               JOE CHREST
               What?!  No, that, that’s got to be one
               of the most insane military actions ever
               proposed, there’s no way congress would
               go along with that.

                          FAKE JONATHAN PRYCE
               No problem!  In THIS America, being
               president gives me the authority to do
               whatever the hell I want, no questions
               asked!  I already replaced the secret
               service with my own evil guys.

                               JOE CHREST
               What?  But surely their background checks-

                          FAKE JONATHAN PRYCE
               Background shmackground, I’m omnipotent!
                BOOM, I just legalized arson.  What are
               you going to do about it?  I’M THE
               FUCKING PRESIDENT.

FAKE JONATHAN heads out to some kind of WHITE HOUSE CELLAR which exists,
where he’s keeping REAL JONATHAN.

                          FAKE JONATHAN PRYCE
                 (actual line)
               I’ve brought you some news: the GI Joes
               are about to be out of the picture.  And
               by “out of the picture”, I mean
               “alive on Earth”!

                             JONATHAN PRYCE
               So...  the Joes are about to be alive on
               Earth?

                          FAKE JONATHAN PRYCE
               ...Oh wow.  WOW.  Usually when a movie is
               badly written, it doesn’t go right down
               to basic sentence construction, but there
               you go.

INT.  PAKISTANI MISSILE SILO

The JOES go on their mission to liberate the warheads.

                             CHANNING TATUM
               Now remember the plan: shoot everything. 
               Just go in there and shoot until all the
               people are dead.  Don’t worry about the
               fact that it’s a silo containing rockets
               and warheads.  Just SHOOT.  EVERYTHING.

                            ADRIANNE PALICKI
               Here’s a quick thought: these warheads
               haven’t actually been stolen by
               insurgents or anything yet, right?  So are
               we just killing a bunch of innocent
               military personnel doing their jobs?

                             CHANNING TATUM
               It’s okay, when we get inside it turns
               out that a bunch of faceless terrorist
               goons are coincidentally stealing the
               nukes right now, so we don’t have to
               consider our role as blunt tools of the
               military-industrial complex after all!

They CHARGE IN and start RUNNING AROUND CRAZILY SHOOTING THE EVER-LOVING
FUCK OUT OF EVERYTHING.

                             JOSEPH MAZELLO
               Lookit, I’ve got remote-controlled
               bullets you’re supposed to steer with
               precision while they whiz through the air
               at twice the speed of sound!
                 (shoots one, ever)
               There, that was worth breaking the
               audience’s suspension of disbelief even
               more than the rest of this idiotic movie!

Eventually they run out of things to shoot, and hightail it with the
WARHEADS.  But then a bunch of US MILITARY show up and start KILLING
THEM ALL!

                             CHANNING TATUM
               Oh no, they’re going to kill D.J.!  For
               once I’m not the blandest guy in a
               movie, you can NOT take that away from me!

He goes and saves D.J., but then is completely engulfed in a HUGE
EXPLOSION which somehow leaves a PRISTINE CORPSE.  EVERYONE GETS KILLED,
except for DWAYNE, D.J. and ADRIANNE, who survive through their badass
skills in RUNNING AWAY AND HIDING.

                             DWAYNE JOHNSON
               Holy shit guys, an attack of that scale
               could only mean a direct order from the
               President of the United States!

                              D.J. COTRONA
               Dude, it was like, three helicopters. 
               Chill.

                             DWAYNE JOHNSON
               Nope, we’re definitely burned.  We’ve
               got to go completely off the map, cut ties
               with everyone and everything until this
               blows over.  Now let’s go set up
               operations in the neighbourhood where I
               grew up.

                            ADRIANNE PALICKI
               Then I’ll send a message on the official
               Joes broadcast frequency saying where we
               are and what we’re up to.

                              D.J. COTRONA
               We’re so good at this!

INT.  UNDERGROUND PRISON

WALTON GOGGINS is taking RAY PARK into a TOP-SECRET PRISON on charges of
ASSASSINATING THE PRESIDENT OF PAKISTAN.

                             WALTON GOGGINS
               Here at ultra-secret torture prison, we
               keep the inmates paralyzed in tubes,
               because they’re so dangerous.  Like you,
               a living weapon, or this guy, a
               middle-aged businessman but his face is
               all metal, or this third guy, who’s like
               an asthmatic or something.

                             BYUNG-HUN LEE
               I like how the place is set up for exactly
               three prisoners.  What happens if you
               catch somebody else, do you just stuff him
               in the closet?

                             WALTON GOGGINS
               Words?!  You’re not Ray Park, you’re
               his nemesis!

                             BYUNG-HUN LEE
               Yeah, I gotta admit, I was surprised when
               at no point of the arrest or
               transportation process did anybody bother
               to take off my mask.

They put LEE in a TUBE, but he ESCAPES by DECIDING NOT TO BE PARALYZED
ANYMORE.  He then breaks out COBRA COMMANDER but not DESTRO.

                               NOT JOSEPH
                             GORDON-LEVITT
               Sorry to throw all your fore-shadowing
               from the first movie into the bin, Destro,
               but this movie already has way too many
               characters.  We haven’t even mentioned
               Ray Stevenson yet.

Oh, right.  Up on the surface, RAY STEVENSON arrives on a motorcycle,
which breaks into pieces and the pieces turn into rockets and the
rockets blow the entrance open!

                             RAY STEVENSON
               This is way better than just using a
               rocket launcher!  This way you have to
               jump off of a speeding motorcycle to fire,
               and then you have no motorcycle.

INT.  DOJO

RZA is talking to RAY PARK and ELODIE YUNG, yes that’s THREE more
characters, this is getting ridiculous.

                                RAY PARK
               ...

                                  RZA
               Ray, you need to go capture Lee.  You must
               bring him in alive, even though you hate
               him and wish to avenge your mentor, who
               Lee killed.

                                RAY PARK
               ...

                                  RZA
               Take Elodie with you.  Yes, I know you
               don’t trust her.  Just deal with it.

                              ELODIE YUNG
               You know, there are a lot of ways to
               handle a mute, masked character.  Stating
               his own motivations directly to his face
               is not the best one.

RAY and ELODIE go and kidnap LEE from a MYSTICAL CLIFFSIDE HOSPITAL.  As
they leave, they are chased by NINJA GUARDS!

                             NINJA GUARD #1
               Ninja tradition is all well and good, but
               I can’t help but notice how quickly we
               would win if we could just shoot these
               guys with guns.

                             NINJA GUARD #2
               But we do have SWORDS, and they’re
               dangling over a lethal fall by ROPES,
               so...

                             NINJA GUARD #1
               You’re right!  WIRE-FU SWORDFIGHT TIME!

                             NINJA GUARD #2
               Oh!  I was actually going to suggest
               “cut the ropes with the swords and they
               die”, but your idea is WAY cooler.

NINJAS have a SWORDFIGHT while ROPE-SWINGING on a CLIFF, using up the
movie’s entire supply of awesome in three minutes.  RAY and ELODIE win
and take LEE back to the DOJO.

                                  RZA
               So, Lee, what’s Cobra Commander
               planning?  Do you deny that you murdered
               your uncle/master when you were a kid? 
               And do you know if this is an
               interrogation or a trial, I’ve confused
               myself.

                             BYUNG-HUN LEE
               I did NOT kill that guy!  It’s always
               pissed me off how you could believe it was
               me, just because I had a motive and he was
               killed with my sword and I was seen
               running from the scene and then I spent
               the next couple of decades as a ruthless
               international terrorist.

                                  RZA
               So you were framed?  And then you had to
               go work for Arnold Vosloo?  Did you ever
               think that maybe he framed you so he could
               get a superninja?

                             BYUNG-HUN LEE
               ...Aw, man.  I can’t believe I didn’t
               figure out in twenty years what you put
               together in six seconds.

INT.  MAKESHIFT JOE HEADQUARTERS

                            ADRIANNE PALICKI
               Guys, I think the president has been
               replaced with an impostor.  I’m basing
               this on things like word choices and how
               he clasps his hands, rather than things
               like his sudden massive personality
               change.

                             DWAYNE JOHNSON
               We need proof of this.  Let’s go to a
               high-profile event and have one of us
               physically harvest DNA off of the US
               president, which is about as far away from
               “laying low” as humanly possible.

They DO THIS, and discover FAKE JONATHAN is a disguised ARNOLD VOSLOO.

                            ADRIANNE PALICKI
               Okay, and we have also deduced that the
               upcoming nuclear disarmament summit is
               probably at the heart of his plans.  Neat,
               we’re doing a pretty good job of
               investigating-

                             BYUNG-HUN LEE
               Hi guys, I’m working with you now and I
               can tell you every single detail of the
               evil plan since I was in on it.

                            ADRIANNE PALICKI
               ...Ah.  So, the three of us could have
               spent the entire last hour of the movie
               playing Wii Tennis and it wouldn’t have
               made a lick of difference.  Great.

                             DWAYNE JOHNSON
               To win this thing, we’re gonna need some
               help.  I know a guy.  He’s a legendary
               old-school badass, a little tired of it
               all now but he still always comes through
               in a pinch-

                              D.J. COTRONA
               It’s Bruce Willis, right?  You just
               described every Bruce Willis role from the
               last ten years.  Is it Bruce Willis?

                             DWAYNE JOHNSON
               Of course it’s Bruce Willis.  Let’s
               go.

They go to BRUCE WILLIS’S HOUSE, because what this movie really needs
is ANOTHER GODDAMN CHARACTER.

                              BRUCE WILLIS
               You guys need weapons.  Here are the many
               guns I have in tricky concealed
               compartments of my drawers and cupboards.

                             DWAYNE JOHNSON
               Clever!

                              BRUCE WILLIS
               And here are the many guns I have in
               regular cupboards, not concealed in any
               way.

                             DWAYNE JOHNSON
               That’s...  less clever.

                              BRUCE WILLIS
               And here’s the tank sitting in my
               garage.  So that every time I open my
               garage, my neighbors can see my big old
               tank.

                             DWAYNE JOHNSON
               ...Huh.

INT.  NUCLEAR DISARMAMENT SUMMIT

FAKE JONATHAN is sitting down with the made-up leaders of FRANCE and
RUSSIA and NORTH KOREA and whatnot.

                          FAKE JONATHAN PRYCE
               Hey guys, you know those nuclear launch
               briefcases us world leaders have that let
               us unilaterally perform a nuclear strike
               whenever the fancy takes us?

                                 FRANCE
               Sure, we all carry them with us wherever
               we go just in case we feel like
               spontaneously blowing up the world.

                          FAKE JONATHAN PRYCE
               Well, surprise!

FAKE JONATHAN launches all of America’s NUKES!

                                 FRANCE
               WHAT THE HELL?!  All right, in that case I
               launch all MY nukes!
                 (launches nukes)

                                 INDIA
               Wait, you mean just the ones targeting
               America, right?  Oh fuck, you don’t! 
               WHY IN GOD’S NAME ARE YOU NUKING THE
               REST OF US?!  Fine then, I’m nuking YOU,
               and I’m nuking AMERICA, and also
               EVERYONE ELSE because FUCK IT!
                 (launches nukes)

                              NORTH KOREA
               There are so many nukes in the air now
               that the only effect I can have by also
               launching is to earn a share of the
               ignonimity, but I’m doing it anyway!
                 (launches nukes)

EVERY LEADER launches ALL THEIR NUKES.

                          FAKE JONATHAN PRYCE
               Ha ha, psych!

FAKE JONATHAN aborts all of America’s NUKES!

                                 FRANCE
               Uh, I was kidding too!
                 (aborts nukes)

EVERY LEADER aborts ALL THEIR NUKES.

                          FAKE JONATHAN PRYCE
               All right, now that all the nukes in the
               world have been destroyed and the halfway
               interesting part of our evil scheme is
               done away with, we can get on with the
               incredibly cliche part.

COBRA COMMANDER comes in with RAY STEVENSON, and an undercover LEE and
ELODIE, and a bunch of MOOKS.

                                 FRANCE
               Um, aren’t international summits usually
               protected by the largest security force
               possible?  Even if you tricked the world
               into thinking Cobra were a proper military
               outfit, how does that translate into an
               army of ninja assassins being allowed into
               this room?

                               NOT JOSEPH
                             GORDON-LEVITT
               Silence!  Gentlemen, I’m holding the
               world to ransom.  Deadly satellites,
               destroy your cities, blah blah, you know
               the drill.  Oh, and today’s sacrificial
               city will be...
                 (pulls name out of hat)
               London!

He uses ANOTHER BRIEFCASE to make a SATELLITE blow up LONDON.

                               NOT JOSEPH
                             GORDON-LEVITT
               That’ll automatically happen to all your
               cities unless you swear allegiance to me,
               at which point I will press the
               satellite-destroying button!

                                 INDIA
               Wait.  It doesn’t just stop the cities
               blowing up, it destroys the superweapons? 
               So...  if we just say, like, “all hail
               Cobra”, you’ll completely remove
               yourself as a threat and we can have you
               arrested?

                               NOT JOSEPH
                             GORDON-LEVITT
               I haven’t exactly ironed out the
               details, I admit.  Anyway-

                             BYUNG-HUN LEE
               AHA, now that the world destruction has
               been triggered and London has been wiped
               off the map is the PERFECT time to act!

LEE and ELODIE attack!  RAY grabs the briefcase and he and COBRA
COMMANDER and FAKE JONATHAN all run away in different directions!  LEE
chases down FAKE JONATHAN.

                          FAKE JONATHAN PRYCE
               So, the big showdown: vengeance-crazed
               superninja versus pretend politician!
                 (pause)
               Okay, I got nothing.

LEE STABS HIM, which causes his nanomachine mask to MELT for no apparent
reason.

EXT.  BEACH

DWAYNE chases the henchman with the superweapon-controlling briefcase,
so basically, the climax of GET SMART happens in REVERSE.  He gets the
BRIEFCASE, pushes the BIG RED BUTTON and SAVES THE WORLD.

                             DWAYNE JOHNSON
               Phew, good thing Cobra Commander didn’t
               put any security on that thing, like a
               palmprint analyzer or a punchcode or
               something.  Or, you know, a lock.

                             BYUNG-HUN LEE
               So, since my revenge plot wound up
               dovetailing so nicely with your
               saving-the-world scheme, I guess I get a
               pass on the whole “assassinating the
               president of Pakistan and nearly causing
               the apocalypse” thing, right?

                                RAY PARK
               ...

                             BYUNG-HUN LEE
               I’m going to take that as a yes!
                 (leaves)

                             DWAYNE JOHNSON
               Well guys, Cobra Commander got away.  But
               everything else has been nicely resolved.

                            ADRIANNE PALICKI
               Except we destroyed all evidence that
               there was ever an impostor president, so
               all the other countries are going to think
               the real Jonathan Pryce teamed up with
               terrorists to blow up their cities and
               take over the world.

                             DWAYNE JOHNSON
               ...Eh, screw it, let the characters of the
               next movie deal with that.

END.

Josh and Julianne get upstaged by some scene stealing trees.

FADE IN:

EXT.  BOSTON

JULIANNE HOUGH runs to her neighbor lady's house, through a rainstorm,
and then to a bus station and onto a bus going to ATLANTA.  DAVID LYONS
tries to catch her but FAILS.

EXT.  PAINFULLY QUAINT BEACH TOWN IN NORTH CAROLINA

JULIANNE gets off the bus, looks at JOSH DUHAMEL, and decides to stay
there.

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               I have a pretty heavy situation I just
               escaped, so naturally my next step is to
               settle into the nearest town where the guy
               at the check out is kind of cute.  

                              JOSH DUHAMEL
               Yeah I'm a widower.  So I have a heart of
               gold plus bland sexiness.  You picked a
               good place to live little lady!  But I'm
               sure it's going to be very difficult to
               find a job and a home since literally the
               only thing you have is a pillowcase.

JULIANNE walks into a restaurant, asks for a job, and gets it.

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               Well that was easy!  

                              JOSH DUHAMEL
               I know right?  Women fleeing abusive
               relationships are commonly known for the
               easy peasy reality of rebuilding a new
               life entirely on their own after suffering
               severe trauma.  

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               Oh, but for some reason the movie is
               pretending the audience doesn't already
               know I've just escaped an abusive marriage
               and that the cop at the bus station is my
               husband.  It's like they think nobody has
               seen the preview?  Anyway I bet it's going
               to be really hard finding a place to live.

JULIANNE immediately buys a house, which is a condemned cabin in the
middle of over overgrown forestry and crashes through her floor.

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               Falling through my floor leads me to
               believe I need to...  PAINT THE FLOOR! 
               That will fix it!

JULIANNE goes to JOSH'S store where she see's a cop and acts scared.  

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               Oh Dear.  Cops, I'm scared of cops.  Lets
               pretend nobody knows why, and it's because
               I did something bad.

                              JOSH DUHAMEL
               But this is a Nicholas Sparks story. 
               Girls aren't bad in NicholasSparksland,
               they're only victims.  But okay fine we
               have the "you're scared of cops" thing
               established.  Also, I have your paint
               ordered so we can get our relationship
               going.

Meanwhile, DAVID obsessively searches for JULIANNE and puts out fliers
that she's wanted for murder.  

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               So they're really trying to pretend this
               movie is going to have an ending that's
               surprising to audience members?  How
               ridiculous.  

COBIE SMULDERS is peeking into the windows of JULIANNE'S house.

                             COBIE SMULDERS
               Oh hi!  You startled me!  Sorry about
               that.  I'm just supernaturally nosy I
               guess.  I live, um, next door?  In that
               house that nobody will ever see?  Sort of
               like me?  

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               Oh wow a girlfriend!  So they're trying to
               make up for the insanity of this entire
               plot by giving me a friend to establish
               the importance of female companionship,
               which isn't all that uncommon at all in
               real life but pretty scarce in most forms
               of entertainment media.  

                             COBIE SMULDERS
               Why would you even anticipate something
               like that right now?  You're a damn fool.

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               You're so ethereal and philosophical.  

                             COBIE SMULDERS
               I know.  Now go turn Josh into an unbroken
               man using your magic vagina sprinkles and
               being cloyingly nice to his children.

INT.  JOSH'S STORE

                              JOSH DUHAMEL
               Here's your paint and primer.  You didn't
               even know you needed primer.  Girls are
               dumb.  Let me give you a ride back to your
               house with those.

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               No way.  I need to be independent.
                 (pause)
               This is heavy, I'll take that ride.  

                              JOSH DUHAMEL
               Check it out, I'm listening to a book on
               tape of Mark Twain.  But I have Slayer if
               you want to listen to that.  It's true,
               look, I'm holding up the CD.  I say we put
               in Reign in Blood and have dirty backseat
               sex for the next hour and a half. 
               Somewhere out there that will make
               someone's day.

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               We can't.  We have storms to get caught in
               and lakes to canoe on.  

Back at her cabin house, JULIANNE hears strange noises in the middle of
the night.  She finds that some FUCKING ASSHOLE left her a GODDAMN BIKE!
 She goes to confront that BASTARD, JOSH.

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               I don't believe you gave me a bike!  You
               unconscionable sick fuck!

                              JOSH DUHAMEL
               What the fuck is your problem??  You don't
               like bikes?

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               Fuck you and your fucking bike!

INT.  JULIANNE'S HOUSE

                             COBIE SMULDERS
               I think you might have overreacted a tad
               about the bike.  I mean, you need a bike. 
               It had a basket and a bell and everything.
                

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               You're right.  I'll apologize.

                             COBIE SMULDERS
                 (actual line)
               Because the good thing about life is that
               you can have second chances.

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               Wha-?  Why did you say that?  That was so
               random, almost as random as mentioning
               Slayer in a Nicholas Sparks movie.  

JULIANNE goes to town where JOSH'S SON, NOAH LOMAX falls into water and
JOSH is immediately there to save him but the music remains dramatic for
about twenty minutes too long.  

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               You know what a kid needs after a dramatic
               save from almost drowning?

                              JOSH DUHAMEL
               A day at the beach?  Wanna come?

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               Can I frolic gayly in a tiny bikini among
               ocean waves while adoring the pants off
               your kids?

                              JOSH DUHAMEL
               We wouldn't have it any other way!

They do this for about a fucking HOUR.

                              JOSH DUHAMEL
               And now do you want to go on a canoe trip?

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               Well it's about damn time we go onto a
               lake; I was beginning to wonder who the
               hell wrote this story.  Can we also get
               caught in a rainstorm?

                              JOSH DUHAMEL
               You bet your ass we will.  And then we'll
               do some heavy petting behind a tree.

They do this with the sexual energy of ROADKILL.  

INT.  JULIANNE'S OLD HOUSE WHERE SHE HAD ESCAPED

DAVID drinks some liquor and spends the night.

                              DAVID LYONS
               Holy shit a recipe for cherry pie!  With
               the same handwriting as the lady across
               the street!  

DAVID runs across the street where IRENE ZIEGLER lives.

                              DAVID LYONS
               You said you didn't know her but you did
               because your handwriting is on this
               recipe, which I saw on an envelope inside
               your mailbox.  

                             IRENE ZIEGLER
               Well now that is just a mess of
               storytelling.  And why didn't you realize
               that your wife was friends with the old
               lady across the street?  You're a shitty
               detective.

                              DAVID LYONS
               Shut up!  The audience doesn't know she's
               my wife yet!

                             IRENE ZIEGLER
               Oh right.  Normal detectives go around
               breaking into homes, drinking their
               liquor, spending the night, and
               obsessively searching for a woman who
               clearly doesn't want to be found but no
               other cops are looking for her at all.  

INT.  JULIANNE'S CABIN HOUSE

JULIANNE and JOSH have SEX!  FINALLY!

                              JOSH DUHAMEL
               By the way, where are you from?  Why did
               you move here?  Where did you go to
               school?  What did you do for a living?  Do
               you have any family?  Parents?  Siblings? 
               Psychotic spouses?  Kidding!  I'm not
               going to ask about any of those things at
               all.  But I will talk about my dead wife.

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               Because post coital chatter is best when
               discussing former spouses.  

EXT.  BOSTON COP HEADQUARTERS

DAVID is trashed in front of his boss.

                              DAVID'S BOSS
               Ok.  Now we don't have to pretend anymore.
                You are a horrible person, an alcoholic,
               and you falsely reported a woman as wanted
               for murder but SHE'S NOT A MURDERER SHE'S
               YOU'RE WIFE.  You're fired.

An awkward looking back scene shows JULIANNE cooking for DAVID, and he
responds by attacking her.  She stabs him to escape.  

EXT.  JOSH'S STORE

JOSH finds the flyer for JULIANNE showing that she's wanted for MURDER.

                              JOSH DUHAMEL
               WHAT THE FUCK!  MURDER?  GET OUT OF HERE
               YOU BITCH!

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               Really?  Still no questions?  Well fine, I
               guess I'll still remain silent and not
               even tell you I didn't murder anyone.

JULIANNE goes to LEAVE but JOSH catches up with her and apologizes. 
They have plastic robot sex again, after which they have their usual
post fuck spouse chat.  

                              JOSH DUHAMEL
               Listen Julianne, you will always be safe
               with me.  YOU WILL ALWAYS BE SAFE WITH ME.
                

JULIANNE calls IRENE and leaves her a message.

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               Hey Irene.  I found a safe place and it's
               somewhere near the tip of Josh Duhamel's
               cock.  Sure hope this phone call won't
               come back to bite me in the ass.  But nah,
               I'm safe.  Josh told me so, twice.

DAVID breaks into IRENE'S house, listens to JULIANNE'S message, and gets
the phone number and area code for the restaurant she works.  He gets
blasted, loads a gun, and drives there.  

INT.  JOSH'S STORE

DAVID approaches JOSH'S DAUGHTER, MIMI KIRKLAND who is alone in the
store to check out complete strangers despite being about two weeks old.

                              DAVID LYONS
               Ssssuuuuup.  Have you sheen thish
               ladddayyyy?
                 (holds up picture of Julianne)

                             MIMI KIRKLAND
               Nope.

DAVID walks out while JOSH walks in.

                             MIMI KIRKLAND
               Oh hey Dad.  Some smelly looking drunk guy
               came in here asking for your new
               girlfriend on a flyer that says she's
               wanted for murder.  Nope kidding again. 
               I'm actually not going to mention those
               things to you at all.

                              JOSH DUHAMEL
               Might as well not because we have a parade
               and fireworks party to get to.

COBIE appears to JULIANNE in a DREAM.  

                             COBIE SMULDERS
               David is here!
                 (vanishes)

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               Oh goddammit you're dead aren't you?  What
               the fuck?

                             COBIE SMULDERS
               SHHHH!  Not yet.  You have to resolve your
               pesky little violence plot.  

DAVID finds JULIANNE and JOSH kissing but NOTHING HAPPENS.  JULIANNE
goes to JOSH'S with MIMI alone who apparently has still remained silent
about the drunk stranger thing.  DAVID accosts JULIANNE.

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               I left because you hurt me, Ok?

                              DAVID LYONS
               That's ALL you're going to say about it? 
               Are we assuming the audience so fragile
               that some actual vocabulary should
               indicate this is a serious topic, or do
               they really want to forget that this movie
               is about escaping domestic violence?

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               Not romantic enough.  So we only say
               "hurt" over and over until I throw you in
               the lake.

SHE DOES.  And when he gets out he sets the house on fire.  JOSH comes
in and saves everyone in time.  DAVID gets shot in the face and dies.

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               Well that's over.  Lets go boating or
               whatever it is I'll spend my life doing
               now.

                             COBIE SMULDERS
               Um, not yet.  You see Josh's dead wife
               left her family a bunch of letters and one
               of them is written for the woman he
               eventually fell in love with.

The letter comes with a picture and COBIE is actually JOSH'S dead wife!

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               Yeah.  I got that.  But didn't I startle
               you that one time?  How do you startle a
               ghost exactly?  Why snoop if you're a
               ghost?  

                             COBIE SMULDERS
               Well I guess that makes as much sense as
               building your entire plot on a misfortune
               that happens every day, to many women, in
               every country, and not explain or portray
               a single detail that might educate anyone
               on the dynamics of abusive relationships. 
               Like, you know, how to avoid them.  

                             JULIANNE HOUGH
               That would have just muddled the mystical
               stalking ghost wife plot twist.  What we
               have here is a woman's decisions almost
               get her killed, but it's all good because
               she found a new man movie.  So go home
               with that, young girls, and good luck!

END.  

"I know it's extreme, but I REALLY need to catch up on Breaking Bad before the finale."

FADE IN:

INT.  DEPRESSINGLY ORDINARY HOUSE

MICHAEL SHANNON and JESSICA CHASTAIN are having breakfast.

                            JESSICA CHASTAIN
               Look at you, starring in your very own
               movie.  So how’s it going?

                            MICHAEL SHANNON
                 (somberly)
               I've had a couple bad dreams.  So I think
               I’m turning into a paranoid
               schizophrenic like my Mom.

                            JESSICA CHASTAIN
               Everyone has bad dreams, though...

                            MICHAEL SHANNON
               But I wet myself while dreaming about
               giant stormclouds that rained yellow fluid
               everywhere!  And it’s not lack of sleep,
               I went straight to bed after winning that
               beer-keg-chugging contest.

                            JESSICA CHASTAIN
                 (thinks)
               I guess paranoid schizophrenia is the only
               possible explanation.  Now what?

                            MICHAEL SHANNON
               Well, I’m aware of the problem and am
               actively seeking professional help.  

                            JESSICA CHASTAIN
               That's good!  Hey, maybe this will be the
               first indie movie ever where the plot
               doesn't depend on people making
               life-fuckingly bad choices at every
               opportunity.

                            MICHAEL SHANNON
               Maybe it will.
                 (pause)
               Oh, also I’m building a giant
               underground bunker with a huge loan the
               bank warned me not to take, and using
               equipment I misappropriated from work,
               thus risking unemployment and financial
               ruin which would make us unable to afford
               that medical procedure our daughter needs
               OH GOSH I WONDER IF THAT WILL HAPPEN.
                 (pause)
               So don’t worry, I TOTALLY got this.

                            JESSICA CHASTAIN
               Okay, I’ll do nothing whatsoever to help
               you.  Like, for the whole movie.

                           ALL OF MICHAEL’S
                         FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND
                             COWORKERS AND
                               NEIGHBOURS
               Same here!

EXT.  WORK SITE

                            MICHAEL SHANNON
                 (musing)
               In my dreams, the golden showers make
               everyone homicidally insane, and I wish I
               knew why.  I wish I knew what it meant. 
               But I REALLY wish I hadn't Google-imaged
               "golden showers".  I need some personal
               space to figure this out.

MICHAEL arranges for him and his BEST FRIEND to work at different sites,
instead of the same site.  In response, MICHAEL’S BEST FRIEND
demonstrates the depth of his loyalty by getting MICHAEL FIRED and
PHYSICALLY ATTACKING HIM AT A CHURCH FUNCTION and somehow this publicly
shames MICHAEL, which I guess is his own fault for living in
ASSHOLEVILLE.

EXT.  MICHAEL AND JESSICA’S PLACE

There is a STORM!  They TAKE SHELTER!

                            MICHAEL SHANNON
               Now I’m too scared to leave the shelter.

                            JESSICA CHASTAIN
               But we must.  Come on, all you need to
               cure your paranoid schizophrenia is an
               ultimatum from your wife and some
               first-class emoting on your part.

                            MICHAEL SHANNON
                 (cures his own paranoid schizophrenia)
               Hey, you’re right!  Let’s take a
               vacation.

EXT.  MYRTLE BEACH

                                DEAF KID
               Look Dad, giant tornadoes made of pee!

                            JESSICA CHASTAIN
               Wow, I guess you never had paranoid
               schizophrenia after all!  Instead you had
               mystical prophetic visions of some
               impossible calamitous event!  All along
               what we thought was trying to be a
               sensitive study of the misery and
               isolation of mental illness was actually a
               half-assed Twilight Zone episode!

                            MICHAEL SHANNON
               Well at least this cheesy ending undoes
               the offensive one, kind of.  So, yay?

                            JESSICA CHASTAIN
                 (sighs)
               I guess major world events can’t bail
               out ALL my movies.  

The WHOLE EARTH gets drenched in CRAZY-MAKING URINE.

END

Brady, desperate to maintain acting credibility, hoping that Michael hadn't seen 'Thunderbirds'.

FADE IN:

EXT.  HIGHWAY

Posh family types NAOMI WATTS and TIM ROTH are driving with their son
DEVON GEARHART, listening to CLASSICAL MUSIC to establish that
everything from here on out is going to be really HIGHBROW.  Then there
is some REALLY LOUD JAZZ-METAL.

                                TIM ROTH
               With such an intricate juxtaposition of
               musical styles, we're already laying the
               groundwork for a real holier-than-thou
               examination of cinematic conventions.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               Call it what it is, dear - art.  We're
               making art.

                             DEVON GEARHART
               Shit, art?  I didn't sign on for any
               "subtext" crap, I just wanted a basic
               psycho-torture flick.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               Don't worry, it'll give us carte blanche
               to act like complete morons without having
               to justify our boggling lack of common
               sense and initiative.

                             DEVON GEARHART
               But we could do just as much of that in a
               generic thriller!  There's entire tropes
               built on dumb protagonists like us!

                                TIM ROTH
               But this way, we can excuse our idiocy
               with the twin pillars of dramatic irony
               and genre subversion.  It's going to be
               great, just you wait and see.

Or IS IT.

INT.  LAKE HOUSE

TIM does some tepid father/son bonding with DEVON in the family boat,
while NAOMI opens the door to greasy-haired youth BRADY CORBET, closely
followed by his slightly-less-greasy-haired accomplice MICHAEL PITT.

                              BRADY CORBET
               I'm sorry to bother you, but could we
               please borrow some eggs?  Just ignore
               these creepy white serial-killer gloves
               that I'm wearing for no apparent reason.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               Of course!  Take as much as you want,
               because I am a flaccid doormat.

BRADY clumsily drops the eggs and knocks NAOMI's phone into the sink,
but is UNSUCCESSFUL in his audition to replace the THIRD STOOGE.

                              BRADY CORBET
               Gosh, I'm terribly sorry!  It was
               completely an accident.  And by
               "completely", I of course mean "definitely
               not".

                              MICHAEL PITT
                 (noticing Tim's golf clubs)
               Say, what lovely clubs.  Do you mind
               awfully if I use one to hit this golf
               ball?  And by "golf ball", I of course
               mean "your pet dog".

                              NAOMI WATTS
               Argh, you're both being so unreasonably
               courteous, and I'm apparently powerless to
               do anything except get mildly upset!

TIM leaves the boat to see what all the COMMOTION is.  There is a
PAINFULLY OBVIOUS CLOSE-UP of the knife he leaves behind, which is later
revealed to be a RED HERRING, because Michael Haneke is much cleverer
than you.

                                TIM ROTH
               As much as I hate to do anything at all of
               note, can I ask you chaps to kindly leave
               the premises?

                              MICHAEL PITT
               No thanks!
                 (hobbles Tim with the golf club)

                                TIM ROTH
               It's probably for the best if I sit the
               rest of this one out.  I really can't see
               that I could possibly do anything useful
               for the rest of the movie, anyway.

                              MICHAEL PITT
               By the way, I also murdered your dog.  Go
               see if you can find it!  It will be an
               amusing escapade, a humorous diversion, or
               perhaps even a "funny game".

                              NAOMI WATTS
               I don't think there's anything funny about
               this, although in hindsight I may have to
               laugh at how ridiculously passively we're
               reacting to the world's politest home
               invasion by a couple of scrawny kids.

                              MICHAEL PITT
                 (to camera)
               Meanwhile, I'll be breaking the fourth
               wall every now and again for some
               pseudo-intellectual reasons that nobody's
               able to properly articulate.  Yes, it's
               one of THOSE movies.

NAOMI finds the dog's corpse in the trunk of the car.  The OVERWHELMING
STENCH of the dead animal serves as a NEAT METAPHOR for the remainder of
the plot.

                              BRADY CORBET
               You really killed an animal?  Shit, now
               all you need to do is off the kid and
               no-one will care what happens to the other
               characters.

                              MICHAEL PITT
               Hold on, let me just make a note of
               that...

EXT.  LAKE

Some NEIGHBOURS arrive across the lake on a sprauncy little YACHT.

                            RANDOM NEIGHBOUR
               Howdy folks.  The three of us were just
               wondering if you needed any help with
               anything.  Some odds to overcome, violent
               criminals to subdue, anything like that?

                              NAOMI WATTS
               It's a tempting offer, but for some
               unexplainable reason I'm going to pretend
               like everything's ok.

                            RANDOM NEIGHBOUR
               Fair enough.  You'll probably kick
               yourself later, but have a jolly old
               evening anyhoo!
                 (sails off into the distance)

                              MICHAEL PITT
               Nice people.  I think we just found our
               next torture victims!

                              NAOMI WATTS
               Wait, you're going to torture us?  Damn,
               if only I'd even considered that as a
               possibility just a few seconds ago.

INT.  LAKE HOUSE

BRADY and MICHAEL TORTURE the family for some interminable period of
time.

                              MICHAEL PITT
               Naomi, we need to tick the "gratuitous
               nudity" box on our "bog-standard thriller
               movie" crib sheet, get your norks out will
               you?

NAOMI strips, while TIM refuses to do anything at all, possibly because
he is secretly popping a SHAME BONER.

                              BRADY CORBET
               So Michael, what's the point of running
               through all the major beats of a
               bog-standard thriller, while also trying
               to make it abundantly clear that this
               isn't supposed to be one?

                              MICHAEL PITT
               In order for us to challenge people's
               expectations, silly!  Let's see, what's
               next on the list of clichés...

Suddenly DEVON escapes!  Despite having a brief chance to act with a
modicum of intelligence, and actually subvert thriller movie convention
as opposed to indulging in pretentious twaddle, he instead elects to try
and HIDE in the nearest EMPTY HOUSE.

                              MICHAEL PITT
               Thank fuck for that, I thought we were
               about to risk some originality there.

MICHAEL easily re-captures DEVON, and finds a convenient SHOTGUN,
clearly signposting that the STAKES are about to be raised.

                              MICHAEL PITT
               Now what was that Brady was saying earlier
               about making sure no-one cares what
               happens to the main characters...  ah yes!
                 (shoots the kid)

NAOMI and TIM continue to do nothing useful.  BRADY's prediction comes
true and the audience ceases to CARE about them, due to their
ASS-CLENCHINGLY ANNOYING PASSIVITY.

                              MICHAEL PITT
               I think we're done here for now.  Give us
               a call when you want some more bloodshed! 
               Or even anything interesting at all to
               happen, since I get the feeling there
               won't be much of that while we're
               off-screen.
                 (leaves)

NAOMI and TIM refuse to do anything useful for about quarter of an hour.
 Eventually they get as BORED as the audience, and NAOMI makes a run for
it, while TIM does something useful.  Just kidding!  He doesn't.  At
all.

EXT.  MAIN ROAD

                              NAOMI WATTS
               Hey, there's a car coming down the road! 
               Finally some hope of salvation!  Let me
               just flag it down by hiding behind this
               tree, waiting till it drives past, and
               then shouting meekly after it as it speeds
               away.

Unsurprisingly, this DOESN'T WORK.

                              BRADY CORBET
                 (out of breath)
               Don't worry, we ran back here as soon as
               we heard how tedious it was getting
               without us!  

                              MICHAEL PITT
                 (to camera)
               You can finish your bathroom break now,
               there'll be some more gratuitous violence
               to ogle in a moment.

INT.  LAKE HOUSE

After some more torture, MICHAEL taunts NAOMI with the shotgun.  In a
stunning display of FINALLY GIVING A FUCK, NAOMI grabs the gun and
shoots BRADY.

                              MICHAEL PITT
               Oh no you di-n't honey!  We've made it
               this far without any of you showing any
               cojones, let's not spoil things by daring
               to be interesting.

MICHAEL grabs the TV REMOTE and somehow rewinds time to bring BRADY back
to life.  It is probably PROFUND AND MEANINGFUL, or some shit like that,
it's hard to give a crap at this point.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               Christ, this is worse than Superman
               reversing the fucking Earth's rotation. 
               Fine, I accept my fate at the hands of
               your magic grease-wizard powers.  Just
               please spare my husband!

                              MICHAEL PITT
               Oh right, Tim, I completely forgot you
               were even still in the movie.

                                TIM ROTH
               You and me both!
                 (is shot and killed)

EXT.  LAKE

MICHAEL and BRADY bundle NAOMI into a boat and set off across the lake. 
NAOMI grabs the knife TIM dropped earlier, but it morphs into the
aforementioned HERRING and flops away into the water.

                              NAOMI WATTS
               So, do I get the usual villainous
               exposition about your wicked masterplan? 
               Why have you spent the whole night
               torturing my family?  

                              MICHAEL PITT
               It's a good question, and like most
               anyone, I don't think I can provide a
               cogent answer.  Let me refer you to our
               esteemed director.

                            DIRECTOR MICHAEL
                                 HANEKE
               Well, it's a commentary on society's
               glorification of, and fascination with,
               movie violence in all its forms.  Are we,
               as lovers of cinema, condoning the
               violence of the antagonists or even
               complicit in their evil?  Indeed, what is
               fact and what is fiction?  And just how
               far up my own ass can I climb before I
               suffocate?

                              MICHAEL PITT
               I thought it was a treatise on the general
               illiteracy of moviegoers.  Why else would
               you remake an otherwise mundane foreign
               thriller with an English-speaking cast,
               less than a decade after its release,
               without changing a thing except removing
               the subtitles?

                              BRADY CORBET
               Personally, I thought it was just a bit of
               a cash-grab for everyone involved.

                            DIRECTOR MICHAEL
                                 HANEKE
               Quiet, both of you!  It's a social
               commentary.  That means if you don't "get
               it", you're just not as smart as me.

                              BRADY CORBET
               Watch out, all that cod-philosophical
               waffle has bumped us right up against the
               end of the running time.  Better wrap
               things up and get to the plucky heroine's
               victory and a final moment of audience
               catharsis.

But instead of that, MICHAEL absent-mindedly knocks NAOMI off the side
of the boat, almost as if nobody CARED about a satisfying resolution.

                              MICHAEL PITT
                 (to camera)
               Wishing you'd watched the original movie
               instead, in case it was any better?  Well
               don't bother, you don't have the mental
               capacity to handle reading subtitles, you
               obnoxious cretins.

                            DIRECTOR MICHAEL
                                 HANEKE
               Steady on Michael, let's make clear it's
               only the English-speaking audience who are
               cretins.  Now let's go and watch all the
               money from this cash-cow roll right in to
               our wallets!

But the AUDIENCE has the last laugh at Haneke's expense and refuses to
pay money to see the movie, which is a MASSIVE FLOP.

                            DIRECTOR MICHAEL
                                 HANEKE
               Huh, I didn't see that coming.  Maybe it's
               ME who's the cretin after all?

END