"Yeah, yeah, it's amazing. Now take the picture and give me the peanut, lady."

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK

JULIA ROBERTS mopes around with pal VIOLA DAVIS.

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               I am a successful and wealthy writer. 
               Despite this, I am unhappy.

                              VIOLA DAVIS
               And I am your down-to-earth best friend. 
               As the sole voice of reason in your life,
               I am the only person who will ever make a
               clever observation about your blind
               self-obsession.
                 (immediately disappears forever)

JULIA ROBERTS talks to her overgrown man-child husband, BILLY CRUDUP.

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               I want a divorce.

                              BILLY CRUDUP
               Waaaaah!

JULIA ROBERTS gets a DIVORCE, then goes to a PLAY where she watches
JAMES FRANCO act badly.

                              JAMES FRANCO
               Julia, I know I have no talent or
               personality, but I’m really handsome! 
               Also, I'm attracted to you for apparently
               no reason at all.

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               Now that I've set a World Record for
               Fastest Divorce Ever, jumping into a
               committed relationship with a man I've
               just met seems like a great idea!

                              JAMES FRANCO
               Yay!  Your marital problems are over, and
               you've found a new boy toy!  Happily ever
               after, right?

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               Actually, I’m still unhappy.  The only
               way to fix this is to dump you, quit my
               job, and spend a year traveling to exotic
               destinations, which thankfully I can
               afford.  God, my life is miserable.

EXT. ITALY

JULIA ROBERTS meets fellow foreigner TUVA NOVOTNY.

                              TUVA NOVOTNY
               Let’s be friends, eat good food, and get
               fat!

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               Great idea!  This will make me relatable
               to real women everywhere.

JULIA ROBERTS eats one SPAGHETTI NOODLE, one bite of PIZZA, and one
molecule of ITALIAN ICE.  

                             ITALIAN EXTRAS
               Thanks for portraying the richness and
               variety of our culture in exactly three
               stereotypes.

JULIA ROBERTS' WAISTLINE expands from Size 2 to Size 2.01.

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               Healthy women shouldn’t be worried about
               their body image.  That’s why I’m
               happy, even though I am so totally obese
               now.
                 (pause)
               Oh wait, I’m still unhappy.  But at
               least I’ve learned to EAT!

                          DIRECTOR RYAN MURPHY
               Level unlocked: India!

INT. INDIAN COMMUNE

JULIA ROBERTS meets fellow American RICHARD JENKINS.

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               I'm still feeling miserable about my ex.

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               The ex-husband you divorced, or the
               ex-boyfriend you dumped?

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               They're kind of interchangeable, so take
               your pick.

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               Okay, then.  Here's where you'll find your
               next step in your journey of
               self-discovery.   

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               Hmm, will I have to learn about myself by
               helping people who are suffering from
               crushing poverty or afflicted with
               society's ills?

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               Nah, mostly you're just going to meditate.

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               Thank goodness!  For a minute there, I
               thought I was going to have to think about
               someone other than me!

JULIA ROBERTS meditates, meaning she concentrates really hard on
NOTHING.  This goes on for WAY TOO LONG, until she talks to RUSHITA
SINGH.

                             RUSHITA SINGH
               I am a 16-year old Indian girl who yearns
               to go to college.  Instead, my parents are
               forcing me into an arranged marriage. 

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               That’s sad.

                             RUSHITA SINGH
               Hopefully my plight will make you finally
               understand how fortunate you are.  Really,
               Julia, you’re the fucking poster child
               for first world problems.

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               My wedding gift is: I prayed for you to be
               happy in your forced marriage!

                             RUSHITA SINGH
               Gee, thanks.  A plane ticket out of here
               would have been nice, too.  Hell, even a
               cheap set of china…

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               Actually, if you refer to your script,
               you'll see that you're supposed to be
               extremely grateful to me just now.

                             RUSHITA SINGH
               Are you shitting me?  What kind of
               colonialist bullshit...

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               And, back to me.
                                                                 CUT TO:

EXT. ROOFTOP

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               Time for my big reveal!  I am a former
               alcoholic who nearly killed my own child
               in an accident, causing my wife and son to
               leave me.  I have spent years trying to
               forgive myself.

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               I broke the heart of a self-centered,
               immature spouse.  I have spent months
               feeling sorry for myself.

                             ROBERT JENKINS
               Oh yes, yours is sooo much worse.  Stay up
               here and forgive yourself.

BILLY CRUDUP appears in a vision.  

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               I’m sorry you’re still desperately in
               love with me.

                              BILLY CRUDUP
               Wait, aren’t you technically just
               imagining that I’m hopelessly in love
               with you, even though you kicked me to the
               curb?  That’s a little arrogant.

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               Whatever!  I feel better now, and I’ve
               learned to PRAY!

JULIA ROBERTS is rewarded with a MAGICAL FUCKING ENCOUNTER with an
ELEPHANT.

                          DIRECTOR RYAN MURPHY
               Level unlocked: Indonesia!

EXT. INDONESIA

JULIA ROBERTS meets CHRISTINE HAKIM.

                            CHRISTINE HAKIM
               I'm an Indonesian doctor/medicine woman,
               but I can't afford a house of my own.

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               White lady to the rescue!

JULIA ROBERTS writes a bunch of LETTERS to her FIRST-WORLD FRIENDS.

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               Dear friends, my birthday's coming up! 
               Instead of buying me presents, I'd like
               you to donate money on my behalf.

                            JULIA'S FRIENDS
               Seeing as you're a few thousand miles
               away, we weren't actually planning on
               getting you anything.  But now that you've
               made us feel guilty...
                 (they all fork over cash)

JULIA ROBERTS gives the money to CHRISTINE HAKIM, then visits spiritual
teacher HADI SUBIYANTO.

                             HADI SUBIYANTO
               Julia, I will guide you in this final step
               of your journey.  Instead of payment, I
               want you to transcribe these scrolls of
               ancient wisdom.  All I ask is that you
               never, ever take them from my home.

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               What in my history of self-centered,
               self-important behavior makes you think I
               would obey you?

JULIA ROBERTS takes the SCROLLS out of HADI SUBIYANTO'S HOUSE and
PHOTOCOPIES them.  

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               See?  I did what you wanted, but I used
               superior Western technology to accomplish
               it in 10 minutes!  Aren't you grateful?   
               

                             HADI SUBIYANTO
               Did it ever occur to you that the process
               of copying by hand is what makes these
               works valuable?  Or that I was trying to
               teach you wisdom through a laborious task?
                Or that your attitude towards indigenous
               people is kind of fucked up?  

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               Nope, never gave it a thought.  And now if
               you'll excuse me, I have to go hang out
               with some rich Europeans! 

JULIA ROBERTS goes to a PARTY and meets JAVIER BARDEM. 

                             JAVIER BARDEM
               Hello, darling.  Seeing as we've just met,
               how about some romance, darling?

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               Hold on, why is an impulsive relationship
               with you any different than the
               relationships I traveled the world to
               escape?

                             JAVIER BARDEM
               Because I have an accent and overuse the
               word ‘darling', darling.  Also I'm
               still upset about my own long-ago divorce,
               so I can add my emotional baggage to
               yours!  

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               Wow, that doesn't sound like a recipe for
               disaster or anything.

                             JAVIER BARDEM
               Darling, I love you!

                             JULIA ROBERTS
               No, Javier!  The whole point of this
               overly-long journey is that true happiness
               comes from loving yourself.  I don’t
               need a man to complete me.
                 (pause)
               Haha, just kidding!  You’re what I need
               to complete me!  Blah, blah, blah, LOVE!

END

"Crap, what does all this shit on my chest do again?"

FADE IN:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - THE NEAR FUTURE

PETER STORMARE is questioning GUY PEARCE by having him repeatedly
PUNCHED IN THE FACE. 

                               GUY PEARCE
               So, you punch your mother with that fist?
                 (is punched in face)
               Geez, that wouldn't punch a ticket to the
               Tissue Paper Festival, amirite?
                 (is punched in face)
               Hey waiter, someone forgot to spike the
               punch, HEY-OH!
                 (is punched in face)

                             PETER STORMARE
               Okay, stop already for Chrissakes, I can't
               take it!  By which I mean these pathetic
               attempts at wisecracking.  Just tell me
               what's happening in this heavily digitized
               film of you shooting your partner, even
               though I claim to have been there and seen
               everything myself.

                               GUY PEARCE
               Wow, that grainy video would look fake by
               1995 standards, never mind the future. 
               Clearly you're framing me, especially
               since you are Peter Stormare and therefore
               evil.
                 (is punched in face)

                             PETER STORMARE
               Yeah, later on you'll be WISHING that plot
               twist was just lame and unoriginal,
               believe me.  Now for the last time,
               provide the flashback that is utterly
               unnecessary to anyone in this room!

INT. HOTEL ROOM - EARLIER

GUY is FIGHTING a GUY! The GUY almost KILLS GUY but GUY DEFEATS the GUY
INSTEAD!  GUY then attends to his DYING PARTNER.

                             DYING PARTNER
               Guy, please take this important-looking
               metal briefcase.  Um, and also this
               innocent-looking, smaller item OH WOW I
               WONDER IF IT'S REALLY THE IMPORTANT THING
               AND THE CASE IS A BIG DECOY?!?!!???

                               GUY PEARCE
               The audience may not be fooled, but I am! 
               Must!  Protect!  Briefcase!

COPS burst in!  They try to ARREST GUY PEARCE but he magically TELEPORTS
into an LSD-FUELLED MARIO KART GAME!!

                               GUY PEARCE
                 (hurtling through psychadelic
                 landscape)
               WHATTHEFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
                 (crashes)
               DAMN YOU WALUIGIIIIIIII!!!!

GUY runs into a FUTURE SUBWAY where his OTHER, WIMPIER PARTNER, TIM
PLESTER, is waiting!  He THROWS him the BRIEFCASE in the NICK OF TIME
just before the DOORS CLOSE!

                               GUY PEARCE
               Whew!  Good thing that even though things
               went totally to shit and I had to
               manically scramble away from the cops, he
               knew exactly where I would end up.

                             PETER STORMARE
                 (appearing)
               As did I!  Yes, I've also been waiting on
               this subway platform all along.  What?

                               GUY PEARCE
               So I get caught on a futuristic subway
               platform?  Someone call Escape from New
               York, they want their deleted scene back.
                 (is punched in face)

EXT. EARTH ORBIT

We see an ESTABLISHING SHOT of the SPACE PRISON, complete with a TITLE
that helpfully explains that we are looking at the SPACE PRISON, in case
we all forgot that we just paid to see THE SPACE PRISON MOVIE.

INT. SPACE PRISON

MAGGIE GRACE, the PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER, ARRIVES with her SECRET SERVICE
DETAIL led by JACKY IDO.

                              MAGGIE GRACE
               Don't even think of stonewalling my
               investigation, Space Warden.  Remember, I
               was on LOST, so I'm used to getting
               direct, full answers immediately.

                              SPACE WARDEN
               Are you here to expose how we cryo-freeze
               our prisoners for the duration of their
               sentence?  Because everyone already knows
               about that.

                          SECRET SERVICE AGENT
               Well nobody told ME!  So wait, if you
               commit a serious crime, you get to
               essentially teleport into the future? 
               That's AWESOME!  Fuck THIS shit, I'm off
               to go rob a bank!
                 (leaves)

                              MAGGIE GRACE
               Actually, I'm here to expose the sinister
               corporate agenda behind this project.  It
               has no real bearing on this movie, but we
               can use it for the sequBWAH HA HA HA HA OH
               GOD, HA HA sorry, I just can't say that
               with a straight face.

                              SPACE WARDEN
               But this is the best, most secure prison
               ever.  Look, we even put 200 gun turrets
               on it in case we ever need to defend
               ourselves against the 200 spaceships that
               we built in case we ever need to defend
               ourselves against the 200 gun turrets.

                           SPACE PRISON GUARD
               Excuse me, Maggie, but your Secret Service
               detail needs to check in their weapons. 

                               JACKY IDO
               Ah, yes, my single gun which is the only
               one I have.  Here you are.  Um, let me
               adjust my sock for a moment.
                 (fumbles awkwardly with poorly
                 concealed spare gun in sock)
               Oh look, my tie is askew.
                 (jams AK-47 down front of shirt)
               That's better!  Now, where the hookers at?

INT. SPACE INTERVIEW ROOM

MAGGIE GRACE interviews convicted Scotsman JOSEPH GILGUN through a
bulletproof glass screen.

                              MAGGIE GRACE
               Why the fuck are all my guards over on
               that side?

                               JACKY IDO
                 (rolling eyes)
               Um, so Joseph can steal my gun and escape?
               Shuh!

                             JOSEPH GILGUN
                 (stealing gun)
               OCH AIEE HAGGIS LADDIE OCH!!!

JOSEPH GILGUN SHOOTS WILDLY!  Since they are in a highly sensitive
top-security area, EVERYTHING FUCKING EXPLODES!  This allows JOSEPH to
ESCAPE!

INT. SPACE MAIN CONTROL ROOM

                             JOSEPH GILGUN
               OCH WEE LASSIE BAIRN AYE OCH!!!

                              CONTROL ROOM
                               TECHNICIAN
               Okay, okay!  I'll push the "release every
               prisoner and deactivate all the redundancy
               safety features" button, just don't shoot!

Within moments ALL THE PRISONERS are DEFROSTED!  They OVERPOWER all the
GUARDS and take EVERYONE HOSTAGE!

                             VINCENT REGAN
               Och, I am free, and only slightly less
               insane and Scottish than Joseph!  Now
               they'll pay for locking me up on
               trumped-up charges of impersonating a
               Gerard Butler.
                 (kills guard)
               THIS! IS! SPAA.....AACE PRISON!!!

INT. EARTH POLICE HQ

                             PETER STORMARE
               Guy, we've just space-learned there's a
               space hostage situation going on at the
               space prison.  Help us out and we'll let
               you go.

                               GUY PEARCE
               I refuse.  All I care about is making sure
               my wimpy partner Tim Plester is okay, and
               also finding that briefcase I know
               absolutely nothing about, because
               unidentified evil people want it for some
               unknown reason.

                              LENNIE JAMES
               That's too bad, Guy.  Are you SURE?!!?!??
                 (holds coffee cup up to Guy's face)

                               GUY PEARCE
                 (eyes scanning)
               Ah... er... on second thought, maybe I
               will help.  Lennie, can you move your ring
               finger, I can't see what's written after
               "THEY CAUGHT TIM AND STUCK HIM IN SPACE
               PRISON BUT HE MANAGED TO HIDE THE BRIEF".

                             PETER STORMARE
                 (sternly)
               Lennie, did you write a secret message to
               Guy on your coffee cup, because you don't
               trust me?  Is that why you've been
               clutching it in the same hand in the same
               position for two hours?

                              LENNIE JAMES
                 (nervously)
               What?  Ha, ha, of course not.
                 (crams entire coffee cup into mouth)
               BBLMMPH! DHELISHUSH!!

                             PETER STORMARE
                 (sighs)
               Whatever.  Here's a bunch of fancy
               equipment for your mission, Guy, including
               an explosive device that can magically
               regenerate itself up to 5 times.  Just
               remember that all of it automatically
               disables once we reach the third act.

PETER, LENNIE, and GUY travel to ORBITING SPACE POLICE HQ because in the
FUTURE there has been a tremendous upswing in SPACE JAYWALKING and SPACE
THEFT AUTO and SPACE GRAFFITI and SPACE SEX TOURISM and actually that
last one probably would happen.

INT. SPACE PRISON

                           HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR
               Hello, prisoners who are so violent and
               evil that we stuck you in orbit.  I'm here
               to negotiate reasonably.

                             VINCENT REGAN
               You should know that I am oblivious to how
               us being in outer space vastly complicates
               the traditional
               "hostages-for-transportation" deal!  So
               what do you suggest?

                           HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR
               You could release one of the two female
               hostages...

                              MAGGIE GRACE
               Wait, there's another woman in the cast? 
               Crap, she might overshadow me despite not
               having any dialogue.
                 (loudly)
               IT'S A TRICK!  THE OTHER WOMAN IS A SPY OR
               SOMETHING!

The BAD GUYS SHOOT the WOMAN and the HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR GUY! 

                             VINCENT REGAN
               Och, thanks for the tip, mysterious blonde
               woman who Joseph apparently remembers
               nothing about being a VIP visitor with her
               own security detail.  In gratitude I will
               leave you and your oddly protective friend
               alone with my weakest guard.

INT. SPACE CORRIDOR

JACKY IDO and MAGGIE manage to ESCAPE!

                               JACKY IDO
               Quick Maggie, in here!
                 (shoots lock)
               There, I've destroyed the door controls,
               we're safe.  Hm, and apparently I also
               destroyed the "don't flood the room with
               nitrogen gas" controls, so we have thirty
               minutes to live.  Fuck.
                 (thinks)
               Well, at least I can buy more time for the
               criminals to break in and recapture you,
               while also reducing the opposition they'll
               find...
                 (jams gun under chin)

                              MAGGIE GRACE
               No, wait!  What if they can override the
               door and break in minutes from now?

                               JACKY IDO
               It's okay, didn't you see "Inglourious
               Basterds"?  Sacrificing myself for the
               female lead is my stock in trade! 
               FAREWELL!
                 (blows own head off)

                              MAGGIE GRACE
               Well, poop.  Now I guess I have no choice
               but to dig deep and evolve into an
               independently ass-kicking character who
               can take initiative and propel the plot
               all by herself...

                               GUY PEARCE
                 (bursting through ceiling)
               Don't worry Maggie, I'm here to rescue
               you!  Quick, into this vent!

                              MAGGIE GRACE
               Or that could happen.
                 (sighs)
               Just you?  Is there any sane reason why
               you came alone?  I mean, in "Executive
               Decision" they snuck a dozen guys on a
               passenger jet one-three-hundredth the size
               of this place.

                               GUY PEARCE
               Well, I'm not really on my own, I have a
               crack team at Space Police HQ backing me
               up.  Now let's just quietly sneak along
               and...

                              LENNIE JAMES
                 (broadcast over every speaker in
                 prison)
               GUY ARE YOU THERE?!  GUY IT'S ME LENNIE,
               HOW IS YOUR TOP SECRET MISSION GOING?!?? 
               REMEMBER NOT TO LET THEM FIND OUT MAGGIE
               IS THE PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER, IT WOULD
               SERIOUSLY FUCK THINGS... WHAT?  WHAT DO
               YOU MEAN THE "PAGE ALL" BUTTON IS RIGHT
               NEXT TO THE "TALK SECRETLY TO GUY"
               BUTTON?!?  YOU THINK I'M SOME KIND OF
               MORON THAT I WOULD... AW SHIT, SORRY GUY,
               HOLD ON, I THINK THIS "SEVER ALL
               COMMUNICATIONS" BUTTON WILL FIX IT...
                 (static)

                               GUY PEARCE
               Damn, now they're all after us!  Time to
               chuck my future sci-fi bombs everywhere!!

GUY BLOWS UP a WHOLE BUNCH OF BAD GUYS with his SCI-FI BOMBS!

                                PRISONER
               NOOO, NOT "THE TIME MACHINE"!!
                 (explodes)

The VENT COLLAPSES and GUY and MAGGIE FALL into a ROOM on TOP of each
other!  

                               GUY PEARCE
               Har har, your face is next to my cock! 
               Har!

                              MAGGIE GRACE
               Yeah well your actual face looks like a
               cock because it is a cockface!

                               GUY PEARCE
               But enough witty banter.  I think before
               we move on, I should dye your hair, so the
               trailers can fool people into thinking
               there's more than one prominent female
               character in this whole movie.

INT. SPACE POLICE HQ

                              SPACE POLICE
                              COMMISSIONER
               I've got bad news, gentlemen.  Apparently
               unless the space prison's orbit gets
               manually corrected every 5 hours it will
               hurtle into the atmosphere in an enormous
               metal fireball of death.  And the one guy
               on board who knew how to correct the orbit
               is dead.  And there is no way to do it
               remotely.  And whoops I just crapped my
               pants, two days ago, and I do not know how
               to change my pants.

                             PETER STORMARE
                 (pause)
               My God, that is the most fucking
               incompetent thing ever in the history of
               gross fucking incompetence.  You are aware
               that putting things in orbit isn't some
               crazy sci-fi conceit, we can ACTUALLY DO
               that shit, right?

                              LENNIE JAMES
               Hey, how do you think Guy will like our
               doublecross when he discovers the escape
               pod we told him about has only one seat?

                             PETER STORMARE
               Since he's only agreed to do this for his
               own selfish reasons, I imagine he'll take
               the pod himself and leave Maggie to die
               horribly, as per our plan, oh wait we
               wanted the opposite to happen AW FUCKITY
               SHIT

INT. SPACE PRISON

Thanks to the DECAYING ORBIT, the SPACE PRISON crashes into the
INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION in much the same way that a 1980S CAR CHASE
might crash through an APPLE CART.  Meanwhile, GUY and MAGGIE find the
POD!

                               GUY PEARCE
               What the hell, there's only one seat, AND
               only enough room for two people to easily
               fit inside!  Damn those double-crossing
               bastards! I'm getting out of here SEATED,
               d'you hear me?!? SEAAATEEDDD!!!!!!!

                              MAGGIE GRACE
               Look, Guy, there's your partner!

                              TIM PLESTER
               Herp derp derp!  I am the only one of
               2,300 criminals who had nasty side effects
               to the cryofreeze making me a babbling
               idiot!!  Derp!  Now I will speak cryptic
               nonsense, ooh, will that be a clue, oh
               fuck this shit, we all know my gibberish
               is a code for where the briefcase is, so
               here's your clue already.
                 (hands over paper with clue written on
                 it)
                 (dies)

                             VINCENT REGAN
               AHA WE CAPTURE YOU NOW!  And you're
               outnumbered, because six of us snuck up on
               you in perfect single file, just to fool
               the camera that doesn't actually exist in
               our reality.

They THROW GUY PEARCE down a HOLE.

                             VINCENT REGAN
               Och, we've got you again, Maggie!  Now
               once more we hold ALL the cards, even
               though the prison crashing into things
               should really tip me off that there are
               other cards.

                              MAGGIE GRACE
               Oooh, just you wait till Guy gets his
               hands on you!  It'll be quite the payoff
               to finally see you two go mano a mano...

                             JOSEPH GILGUN
               OCH I'LL MAK IT WHISSLE LIKE TAPS
               O'THRISSLE!!
                 (stabs Vincent)

                              MAGGIE GRACE
               Or that could happen.

JOSEPH tries to stab MAGGIE but GUY PUNCHES him first, having walked
RIGHT UP TO THEM but remaining invisible by being OUT OF SHOT.

                               GUY PEARCE
               Damn you, Joseph, for taking away my big
               final boss fight!  And rather than have
               one with you instead, let's run!

EXT. SPACE

The 200 SPACESHIPS are fighting the 200 GUN TURRETS!

                          ROCKET CAPTAIN CHAD
                               CLENCHJAW
               Hang on, Guy!  It's time for me to
               complete my own dramatic character arc, as
               I heroically take out the enemy turrets
               and perform an incredible manoeuver to
               plant a bomb in just the right spot!  Yes,
               the audience is sure to thrill at...
                 (gets radio message)
               ...what?  All my other scenes got cut out
               of the movie?  I'm just a nameless extra
               fighting automated turrets?  How is that
               supposed to have any dramatic weight? 
               Won't that make this whole sequence just
               kind of unengaging and...
                 (listens)
               ...oh, it did, huh?  So I'll just blow up
               the space prison and, what, vanish into...
                 (vanishes)

The SPACE PRISON starts BLOWING THE FUCK UP!

                               GUY PEARCE
               Quick, Maggie!  Put on this spacesuit
               which, since it's been designed explicitly
               for maintenance purposes, has impossibly
               strong heat shielding, shock absorption,
               and a built-in parachute!

They achieve RE-FUCKING-ENTRY and PARACHUTE through the UPPER
ATMOSPHERE, landing NOT on the 90% OF EARTH that is ocean or uninhabited
land, but instead SAFELY ON A CITY STREET.  Luckily their impact is
cushioned by the MILLION CUBIC FUCKTONS OF BULLSHIT that has accumulated
since the movie started.

INT. EARTHBOUND PRISON

                              LENNIE JAMES
               Sorry we arrested you again, or something.

                               GUY PEARCE
               That's okay.  Maggie figured out the only
               way to reach the end of this godforsaken
               plot was to drop acid and go on some kind
               of visionquest.  She got the briefcase!

                              LENNIE JAMES
               Oh boy, let me open it!
                 (dials combination)
               Hey, it's empty!
                 (thinks)
               Oops, that reveals my evilness doesn't it.
                Funny that I would know the briefcase's
               combination but not know that there was
               nothing inside.

                             PETER STORMARE
               Sorry, Lennie.  Now YOU'RE under arrest.

                               GUY PEARCE
               So, wait, Peter... you're NOT evil?  So
               what was all that with the digital video
               before?

                             PETER STORMARE
               Oh geez, you sure you want the answer to
               that?  Couldn't we just leave it as a
               loose end?  Because... oh man, it's so
               horrible.

                               GUY PEARCE
               No, you must tell me.

                             PETER STORMARE
                 (sighs)
               Okay, you ready for this?  It WASN'T
               digitally altered.  Instead, there was a
               gigantic mirrored door that was open, and
               you just HAPPENED to shoot an ENEMY AGENT
               who was BEHIND the mirror at the EXACT
               SAME TIME that the enemy agent shot YOUR
               PARTNER, and the REFLECTION of your
               partner getting shot JUST SO HAPPENED to
               LINE UP FUCKING PERFECTLY in the GODDAMN
               MIRROR to create the ILLUSION you shot
               your partner, and I JUST EVER SO FUCKING
               HAPPENED to be standing in the ONE GODDAMN
               EXACT FUCKING SPOT IN ALL CREATION where
               this illusion all LINED UP properly, and
               apparently I must have FUCKING TELEPORTED
               there for JUST THAT ONE FUCKING INSTANT,
               since being there for ONE GODDAMN
               COCKMUNCHING SECOND BEFORE OR AFTER WOULD
               COMPLETELY SHATTER THE ILLUSION ALL TO
               DOGSHIT, and it is possibly the MOST
               COLOSSALLY, SHIT-GARGLINGLY, ASS-REAMINGLY
               FUCKTARDED PLOT TWIST OF ALL TIME, and now
               I have to throw up.
                 (vomits out own soul)

EXT. STREET

GUY saunters out of PRISON.

                               GUY PEARCE
               Hey, that innocent-looking item my dead
               partner gave me has a memory chip hidden
               inside.  I guess it has the information
               we'll use in the sequBWAH HA HA HA OOO BOY
               THAT IS HILARIOUS

                              MAGGIE GRACE
               Hey there, Guy.  Thought I'd help you wrap
               this up with some more witty banter.

                               GUY PEARCE
               Why not?  Then I'd owe YOU one.

                              MAGGIE GRACE
               I guess size DOES matter.

                               GUY PEARCE
               Maybe I'll let YOU drive next time.

                              MAGGIE GRACE
               I dunno.  A girl could get used to this.

                               GUY PEARCE
               You're all right, kid.

                              MAGGIE GRACE
               I'm too old for this shit.

                               GUY PEARCE
               The name's Plissken.
                 (is punched in face)

END

"Visit Narnia," they said. "It will be fun," they said.

FADE IN:

INT. FOREBODING UNDERGROUND FACILITY

RICHARD JENKINS and BRADLEY WHITFORD are talking about MUNDANE THINGS in
a MYSTERIOUS SETTING.

                            BRADLEY WHITFORD
               …And so my wife says, "your arrival
               would be more surprising and interesting
               midway through the movie, rather than in
               the opening scene," and I told her point
               blank, I'm Josh Goddamn Lyman, and if I
               appear in the movie after Thor, I'm
               fucking walking. 

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               Nice one. Hey, you ever noticed how this
               place is completely and totally not like
               The Initiative from Season 4 of Buffy?

                            BRADLEY WHITFORD
               It's okay, man, you don't have to pretend.
               Plagiarizing from yourself is still
               acceptable in Hollywood.

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               Actually, I'm pretty sure Hollywood's cool
               with plagiarizing, period. 

They run into AMY ACKER, CHIEF OF EXPOSITORY SCIENCES.

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               Oh look, it's Amy Acker. In a Joss Whedon
               project.

                            BRADLEY WHITFORD
               Quelle surprise. 

                               AMY ACKER
               Guys, I just wanted to let you know that
               we finished installing the "release all
               the monsters into the lobby of our office"
               button. Monsters, everyone. That's what we
               do here.

                            BRADLEY WHITFORD
               Perfect. There's no way this could come
               back to bite us in the ass.

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               Or the face.

                            BRADLEY WHITFORD
               What?

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               Nothing. 

EXT. GENERIC HORROR MOVIE SUBURB

We meet a group of ATTRACTIVE TEENAGERS preparing for an awesome weekend
trip to a CABIN, you guessed it, IN THE WOODS. 

                            KRISTEN CONNOLLY
               I'm the naive, virginal one, which I will
               establish by dancing around in my
               underwear and discussing the time I had
               sex with one of my professors.

                            CHRIS HEMSWORTH
               I'm the athlete. Watch me hurl a football
               straight out a window and into traffic,
               brah! Sports!

                             ANNA HUTCHISON
               I'm the sexy sex sex sex vaginal cock
               boner clitoris. Intercourse. 

                             JESSE WILLIAMS
               I'm the nerd of the group, which you can
               easily deduce from my six-pack abs. 

                               FRAN KRANZ
                 (emerging from a plume of smoke)
               And I'm the stoner, which I will emphasize
               by doing something with weed in literally
               every single frame of the film in which I
               appear. 

                            KRISTEN CONNOLLY
               Look how witty we all are!

                             ANNA HUTCHISON
               Real, sexy teenagers are totally like
               this.

                               FRAN KRANZ
               Joss Whedon has an uncanny insight into
               the youthful mind.

                            CHRIS HEMSWORTH
               Hey, Jesse, did you strap the plot device
               to the back of the Rambler?

                             JESSE WILLIAMS
               Yep, we're all set in case the five of us
               have need of a single dirt bike in the
               middle of a heavily-wooded area. 

The GANG OF STEREOTYPES piles into their LARGE VEHICLE and heads off to
a REMOTE LOCATION to encounter MYSTERIOUS FORCES. ROOBY ROOBY ROO.

EXT. GENERIC HORROR MOVIE GAS STATION

THE GANG gets GAS as station attendant TIM DE ZARN spits TOBACCO JUICE
on their shoes. 

                              TIM DE ZARN
               Y'all are lambs to the slaughter. The
               Ancient Ones will bathe in your blood and
               the South will rise again!

                            CHRIS HEMSWORTH
                 (pause)
               Well, not that this isn't fun, but we
               should get going. 

                               FRAN KRANZ
               Tim, do you own, like, the fastest gas
               pumps known to man? That seriously took
               you less than five seconds. 

                              TIM DE ZARN
               It's only enough to get you there, boy.
               And then mebbe drive around s'more when
               the plot requires it. 

THE GANG continues onwards. 

                            KRISTEN CONNOLLY
               Guys, come check out how wide this canyon
               is. I get the feeling you're going to
               completely forget later on, though.
               Possibly at a crucial plot point.

EXT. GENERIC HORROR MOVIE CABIN

EVIL DEAD HOMAGE SHOTS instantly make half the INTERNET cream its pants,
while the other half starts BITTERLY COMPLAINING about what a RIP-OFF
the movie is. 

                             ANNA HUTCHISON
               Let's go explore! 

                            CHRIS HEMSWORTH
               My cousin said something about there being
               this one room with a two-way mirror in it.

                             JESSE WILLIAMS
               Yeah, found it. 

                            CHRIS HEMSWORTH
               Do you think that's going to be explained
               at any point in the movie, or at least
               justified in terms of how it relates to
               the machinations of the sacrificial
               process we keep alluding to?

                             JESSE WILLIAMS
               Doubt it.  

INT. FACILITY CONTROL ROOM

Various EMPLOYEES are wagering on what AWFUL MONSTER will be chosen to
KILL EVERYONE in the CABIN.

                            RANDOM EMPLOYEE
               Look! Aren't we callous?

                         OTHER RANDOM EMPLOYEE
               Yeah! We're terrible human beings! Woo
               hoo!

                            RANDOM EMPLOYEE
               This is in no way a lazy method of
               characterizing us as villains!

                            BRADLEY WHITFORD
               Goddamn, I just hope I get to see a merman
               before I die.

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               You mean like, right immediately before
               you die?

                            BRADLEY WHITFORD
               Uh, no…why?

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               No reason.

Meanwhile, BRIAN WHITE, clearly new to the job, is CRITICIZING
EVERYTHING.

                              BRIAN WHITE
               Why don't you just kill them?

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               Because ancient, evil gods demand that we
               lure attractive teenagers to a cabin and
               subject them to a horrifying death at the
               hands of various monsters, which is this
               film's retcon of every shitty horror movie
               you've ever seen. It's like Wicked, except
               your mother-in-law wouldn't like it.

                              BRIAN WHITE
               I have a gun, in my room, you give me five
               seconds, I'll get it, you bring them down
               here, BOOM, I'll blow their brains out.

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               Brian…you just don't get it, do you? You
               don't. 

INT. THE CABIN

THE GANG is playing TRUTH OR DARE.

                               FRAN KRANZ
               Wait, truth or dare? Really? Are we 19 or
               9?

                             JESSE WILLIAMS
               I'm pretty we're just sending up how we're
               all actually around 30 in real life. 

                             ANNA HUTCHISON
               Whatever, dare! I want a dare, because
               they're usually sexual, just like me!

                             JESSE WILLIAMS
               Well, considering the way you're acting,
               we could easily get away with daring you
               to bang every guy here, so-

                               FRAN KRANZ
               I dare you to make out with the only mouth
               in this room not attached to a living
               person!

ANNA orally attacks a MOUNTED WOLF'S HEAD as enthusiastically as her
lack of concern for her CAREER allows. 

                             ANNA HUTCHISON
               There's no need to huff and puff. I'll let
               you come in.

                               FRAN KRANZ
               The whole world of blowing-related humor
               before you, and you go for "I'll let you
               come in"?

                            CHRIS HEMSWORTH
               Is it weird that this is giving me a
               husband's bulge?

Suddenly, the CELLAR DOOR mysteriously opens. Everyone goes to
INVESTIGATE. 

                               FRAN KRANZ
               Just like a real horror movie!

                             JESSE WILLIAMS
               They get it, dude. Everyone understands
               what the movie is by now.  

KRISTEN reads aloud from the DIARY of a GIRL who ALMOST CERTAINLY would
not have known how to WRITE.

                            KRISTEN CONNOLLY
               There's a part here in Latin. That's even
               less plausible. 

                               FRAN KRANZ
               Pretty sure you still shouldn't read it,
               though. 

                            KRISTEN CONNOLLY
               Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus.

                                 GOZER
               The Choice is made! The Traveller has
               come!

INT. FACILITY CONTROL ROOM

RICHARD and BRADLEY are PULLING STRINGS.

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               Just in case it wasn't totally obvious by
               now that we're controlling everything, I'm
               about to manipulate the fucking weather.

                            BRADLEY WHITFORD
               This is a completely plausible scenario!

CHRIS and ANNA frolic into the woods to have SEX. We see BOOBIES. 

                              BRIAN WHITE
               I haven't done anything in a while. I
               should probably provoke some more clumsy
               exposition. My stern mustache and I
               disapprove of this voyeurism!

                               AMY ACKER
               As do I, but it's necessary to appease the
               Ancient Ones. 

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               We have to give the customers what they
               want. 

                              BRIAN WHITE
               I hope you guys realize that taking horror
               movie cliches and explaining them with
               "because ancient, evil gods want it that
               way" does nothing more than extend the
               reductionist answer to a question that
               nobody ever asked.

Suddenly, a ZOMBIE REDNECK TORTURE FAMILY attacks the COUPLE and get
some HEAD of their own. CHRIS escapes back to the CABIN.

                            CHRIS HEMSWORTH
               Everyone come with me and split up. Wait,
               what?

                               FRAN KRANZ
               Zoikes! 

THE GANG become trapped in their ROOMS, but KRISTEN escapes when JESSE
smashes the TWO-WAY MIRROR.

                             JESSE WILLIAMS
               Ah, so it WAS just a plot contrivance. 

                            KRISTEN CONNOLLY
               That's good, I was hoping it wouldn't turn
               out to be anything original or
               interesting. 

They are ATTACKED by the ZOMBIE REDNECK TORTURE DAD, but KRISTEN manages
to subdue him. 

                            KRISTEN CONNOLLY
               You like pain? Um…try wearing a corset?
               Is that right? I'm so glad we're
               referencing horror movie dialogue. 

                             JESSE WILLIAMS
               Look, just because we're referencing other
               horror movies, that doesn't automatically
               make this cleverly written. Knowing the
               dialogue is contrived doesn't make it any
               less contrived, for fuck's sake. Ah,
               goddammit, that hurts. 

                            KRISTEN CONNOLLY
               Are you okay?

                             JESSE WILLIAMS
               That bear-trap to the back just left me a
               bit stiff, give me a second to walk it
               off. 

                            CHRIS HEMSWORTH
               Guys, Fran didn't make it. We really have
               to go. 

JESSE, KRISTEN and CHRIS escape in the RAMBLER, but are blocked by an
EXPLOSION that collapses the TUNNEL. 

                             JESSE WILLIAMS
               Well, someone could always try to jump the
               canyon.

                            CHRIS HEMSWORTH
               I'll do it. I've done bigger jumps than
               this.

                            KRISTEN CONNOLLY
               Without a ramp? Is this one of those penis
               things where you're just exaggerating to
               impress me, even though I'm going to know
               you're a liar once I actually see it? 

                            CHRIS HEMSWORTH
               No, actually, this is to increase the
               "will they succeed" dramatic tension.

                            KRISTEN CONNOLLY
               There is no tension. We already saw a bird
               hit the wall, we know you're going to
               fail.

                            CHRIS HEMSWORTH
               Oh, so it's dramatic IRONY, then?

                            KRISTEN CONNOLLY
               Yes. Good luck. 

CHRIS JUMPS. It does not go well. As JESSE is driving KRISTEN back to
the CABIN, he is stabbed by a STOWAWAY ZOMBIE and crashes into the LAKE.
KRISTEN swims to shore, where the ZOMBIE REDNECK TORTURE DAD is waiting
for her.

                            KRISTEN CONNOLLY
               Man, today is just not my fucking day.

                         ZOMBIE REDNECK TORTURE
                                  DAD
               Hey, I just want you to know this is
               nothing personal. I'm just doing my job. 

He proceeds to BEAT HER SAVAGELY. 

INT. FACILITY CONTROL ROOM

A PARTY is in full swing, when suddenly, the RED PHONE rings. This is
NEVER GOOD. 

                            BRADLEY WHITFORD
               Hi…yes…no…goddammit…what do you
               mean, with a trowel?

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               Fran survived? 

                            BRADLEY WHITFORD
               Apparently. How the fuck did we miss that?
               

                              BRIAN WHITE
               Well, you made a point of showing us the
               screen where you're monitoring all of the
               kids' vitals, so you really don't have an
               excuse. 

Meanwhile, FRAN and KRISTEN have escaped into the ELEVATOR CUBE THING
that brought the ZOMBIES up. They slowly pass numerous MONSTERS in other
ELEVATOR CUBE THINGS.

                               FRAN KRANZ
               Check it out, apparently ghosts can be
               contained behind plexiglass. 

                            KRISTEN CONNOLLY
               Isn't it awesome that we're conveniently
               stopping in front of multiple other boxes,
               allowing us to get a good look at what's
               inside, despite the fact that there's no
               logical reason for that functionality to
               exist?

INT. FACILITY CONTROL ROOM

RICHARD, BRADLEY and AMY are starting to PANIC. 

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               Goddammit, Amy, your formula doesn't work
               on someone who's high? These are
               teenagers, in a cabin, over the weekend.
               It's kind of a given that drugs will be
               involved.

                            BRADLEY WHITFORD
               Fuck, which box are they in?

                              BRIAN WHITE
               Stab in the dark, but they're probably in
               the same one you sent the zombies up in.
               Besides, all the elevators open into the
               same hallway. 

FRAN and KRISTEN reach the LOBBY, where they EASILY OVERPOWER the guy
sent to CAPTURE them.

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               You sent one inept guard to apprehend
               them? After they escaped the evil
               creatures specifically designed to kill
               people?

                            BRADLEY WHITFORD
               I should probably mention it was the same
               inept guard who takes care of the booth
               with the "release the monsters" button in
               it.

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               Well, there's no way this is gonna end
               badly. 

KRISTEN pushes the BUTTON and ALL HELL BREAKS FUCKING LOOSE. 

                            KRISTEN CONNOLLY
               Check it out, I always wondered why
               unicorns had horns. 

                               FRAN KRANZ
               We should probably head out and explore,
               even though we could just as easily duck
               into one of the empty elevators and hide. 

Various MONSTERS break into the CONTROL ROOM. BRADLEY, incapacitated on
the floor, is EATEN by the MERMAN.

                                 MERMAN
               Mmmmm, delicious irony. And face. But
               mostly irony. 

                            RICHARD JENKINS
               How the fuck would the merman be able to
               kill an entire cabin of people? He can't
               even walk. As long as the kids could jog
               at a semi-leisurely pace, they'd be fine. 

AMY, BRIAN and RICHARD meet NOT-VERY-TRAGIC ENDS as FRAN and KRISTEN
emerge in the LOWER LEVEL of the facility. 

                               FRAN KRANZ
               What the fuck are all these stone tablets
               for?

                            SIGOURNEY WEAVER
               I'll tell you, but then I'll have to kill
               you. Hehe. 

                            KRISTEN CONNOLLY
               Okay, seriously Sigourney, where did you
               even come from?

                               FRAN KRANZ
               Whoa. You live down here? Like…with the
               Gods? Do you share a duplex or something?

                            SIGOURNEY WEAVER
               More of a timeshare, really, but the point
               is, we've been appeasing the Gods with the
               ritual offering of five archetypal
               sacrifices.

                               FRAN KRANZ
               Okay, but wait, we all spent the entire
               movie completely undermining those
               archetypes. Couldn't you have done a
               little better?

                            SIGOURNEY WEAVER
               Well, we work with what we have. Would you
               expect every actress playing a virgin
               character to actually be a virgin? I'm not
               called The Director for nothing.

                               FRAN KRANZ
               All the meta is starting to give me a
               headache. 

                            SIGOURNEY WEAVER
               Trust me, this movie has more levels than
               the Super Mario series. 

                               FRAN KRANZ
               Maybe the human race should die out, if
               this is what it takes for it to continue.

                            KRISTEN CONNOLLY
               Are you serious? Do you literally have not
               a single family member that might give you
               pause before coming to that conclusion?

                               FRAN KRANZ
               Well...

                            KRISTEN CONNOLLY
               You'd rather sacrifice everyone on earth,
               knowing that 99.999% of them aren't even
               aware of this conspiracy, while you know
               about it and are making literally the most
               selfish decision humanly possible, which
               ironically actually makes you extremely
               deserving of death?

                               FRAN KRANZ
               Uh...

                            KRISTEN CONNOLLY
               A handful of teenagers every year,
               compared to the alternative, is nothing.
               More people die from falling in the
               fucking bathroom. I'm shooting you, you
               selfish dick.

A BRIEF FIGHT ensues, in which SIGOURNEY gets AXED.

                            KRISTEN CONNOLLY
               I've changed my mind for no apparent
               reason.

The GODS awaken, and a GIANT HAND bursts out of the GROUND, ending the
WORLD. 

                         DIRECTOR DREW GODDARD
               So basically, the moral of the story is
               "it's permissible to condemn 7 billion
               people to death, as long as it's because
               you're staying true to your friends"?

                          PRODUCER JOSS WHEDON
               Actually, I was going for something more
               along the lines of "keep paying to see
               shitty, unoriginal horror movies, or the
               world will end."

                         DIRECTOR DREW GODDARD
               Works for me.

COMING SOON: THE CABIN IN THE WOODS 2

END.

His pulse never got above 85, even when he ate her tongue.

FADE IN:

INT. NEW YORK CITY APARTMENT

MICHAEL FASSBENDER lays in bed, walks naked, pees, walks naked some
more, pees, rubs one out in the shower, rubs another out inside a
prostitute, and walks naked again.

                          MICHAEL FASSBENDER'S
                                 PENIS
               Hello Ladies. And George Clooney.

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               This is just gratuitous. Wait, this won't
               mean that people will only remember this
               movie because of my dong, will it?

                         CAREY MULLIGAN (V.O.)
                 (on answering machine)
               Pick up your phone. And also, you have an
               answering machine? Are we in 1994? No.
               Because I'm also incessantly calling your
               I-Phone. My voice is so pleading that you
               can't possibly ign-

MICHAEL clicks off the answering machine, walks around naked, drinks
beer, and looks at porn.

INT. SUBWAY CAR

MICHAEL stares at a woman.

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               Lets go lay some pipe. My insatiable need
               to awaken my bacon has allowed me to
               solicit complete strangers without saying
               a word.

                              LUCY WALTERS
               That is impressive. Some might think you
               look like you bury orangutan carcasses in
               your floorboards, but I'm in a
               pre-orgasmic trance just by staring at
               your facial expression.
                 (suddenly looking sad)
               Oh wait. I'm married. That mostly rules
               out stranger banging. FUCK that's sad,
               right?

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               Whatever. Wait until you meet my sister.
               She's in desperate need for my attention.

LUCY runs away and MICHAEL chases her, but gets lost in the metaphorical
crowd pulling him back.

INT. NEW YORK CITY OFFICE

MICHAEL discovers that his office computer is missing. He finds his
boss, JAMES BADGE DALE.

                            JAMES BADGE DALE
               I'm a dickbag! Do you know what we do?

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               No idea. Where's my computer? I need to
               ejaculate, and have somehow been managing
               this without people noticing.

                            JAMES BADGE DALE
               Wait, where are you from? Your accent is
               really off.

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               Never mind that for now. We're just going
               to let the audience assume I can't figure
               out an American accent. About my computer?

                            JAMES BADGE DALE
               It probably has something to do with a
               mammoth amount of porn. This should result
               in a confrontation for you and I later on.

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               That isn't going to happen. I guess for
               now I'll have to keep wanking over toilets
               in the restroom.

                            JAMES BADGE DALE
               That's what most of us get away with, so
               you're generating zero sympathy there.

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               I sanitize the toilet before masturbating
               over it. Which is absurd considering I'm
               pretty lenient about who I put my penis
               inside. But I'm complex.

JAMES and MICHAEL leave a meeting, where they were successful at
whatever they do.

                            JAMES BADGE DALE
               I have no idea what we just did, but lets
               go get drunk and drive the beef buses to
               tuna town.

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               All right! And how elegantly put.

MICHAEL and JAMES go to a club where JAMES fails at his attempts to get
laid by being a complete tool. MICHAEL succeeds by being slightly less
of a tool.

INT. MICHAEL'S APARTMENT

MICHAEL opens his apartment door and some funky music is playing and the
shower is running, so he arms himself with a bat.

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               I can't think of anybody who's been
               calling...

CAREY MULLIGAN jumps out of MICAHEL'S shower NAKED.

                             CAREY MULLIGAN
               Hey Bro! I have obvious problems since I'm
               standing here naked while you angrily hold
               a bat. By the way, where are we from?

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               I have no idea. But you've been naked an
               uncomfortable amount of time, considering
               I'm your brother.

                             CAREY MULLIGAN
               I know, but I'm void of boundaries.

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               I'm irate that you broke into my
               apartment, even though you just said that
               I gave you a key. I have tons of chicken
               choking to do.

                             CAREY MULLIGAN
               I've given you some space by putting on
               this transparent off the shoulder tee
               shirt. Let me stay here, I won't be
               bothersome. There is nothing I will do
               here that will be disturbing.

INT. THE BOOM BOOM ROOM

CAREY sings the longest imaginable version of "New York, New York".

                            JAMES BADGE DALE
               This scene is lasting longer than the line
               of psychopaths at an "American Idol"
               audition. What do you think Michael?

MICHAEL sheds a tear. Seriously. 

                             CAREY MULLIGAN
               Hi James! I just promised Michael I
               wouldn't be a bother to him. Do you want
               to make out while he's wedged next to us
               on the ride home?

                            JAMES BADGE DALE
               Only if we can follow that up by fucking
               loudly in his apartment.

THEY DO. MICHAEL goes for a long and symbolically riddled run and then
goes to bed. CAREY walks in and tries to cuddle with him.

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               I'm sure the audience wants us to go all
               Flowers in the Attic in here. And we are
               both seriously disturbed, but get the fuck
               out.

                             CAREY MULLIGAN
               Nah. Let's get all Flowers in the At-

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               GET THE MOTHER FUCK OUT
               MOTHERFUCKFORTHELOVEOFMOTHERFUCK!

CAREY walks out.

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE

JAMES is on skype with his son when MICHAEL walks in.

                            JAMES BADGE DALE
               We got your computer back and the hard
               drive was full of hoes, double anal,
               penetration, inter racial facials and
               cream pies.

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               Meh. Look up feltching, blumpkin and the
               frosty walrus.

                            JAMES BADGE DALE
               I will. And since I just banged your
               sister, we're going to blame this on an
               intern.

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               Right. No responsibility for me, please.

MICHAEL makes coffee.

                             NICOLE BEHARIE
               Hey Michael, you've been staring at me a
               lot. And I'm enthralled by you, instead of
               assuming you hang baby feet in your gym
               locker.

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               Holy shit. A person I actually know wants
               to have sex!

INT. RESTAURANT

MICHAEL joins NICOLE on their date.

                             NICOLE BEHARIE
               You're late.

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               I was busy watching people fuck against
               hotel windows, and I won't apologize for
               that.

                             NICOLE BEHARIE
               Of course not. But this date is moving as
               smoothly as a retarded square dance
               contest. Can we play hide the salami
               tonight?

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               Well, since I know simple facts about you,
               like your name...no. 

INT. MICHAEL'S APARTMENT

MICHAEL does the hand cooter in his bathroom and CAREY walks in on him.
MICHAEL responds by attacking her.

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               Motherfuck! HOW DARE YOU OPEN A BATHROOM
               DOOR WHERE YOU'RE STAYING??!

                             CAREY MULLIGAN
               Why don't you make this moment even more
               embarrassing by straddling me naked? I
               hope you didn't leave your porn skype lady
               on your laptop.

                          MICHAEL FASSBENDER'S
                            PORN SKYPE LADY
               Hey Carey. Wanna go cyber muff diving with
               me?

CAREY leaves. MICHAEL empties his apartment of porn.

INT. THE STANDARD HOTEL WHERE PEOPLE ACTUALLY FUCK AGAINST THE WINDOWS

MICHAEL and NICOLE are ready to trade sauce recipes.

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               I'm normal now. I know your name, and
               we're about to have sex! I'm having a
               nice, normal interoffice affair.

NICOLE looks MICHAEL in the eyes.

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               Well fuck. Now you've gone and ruined it
               by giving this sexual encounter intimacy.

NICOLE leaves and MICHAEL pounds a prostitute.

INT. MICHAEL'S APARTMENT

MICHAEL watches cartoons while CAREY joins him. Making this the only
thing they do together that siblings actually do.

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               I fucking hate you. I want to stab your
               face with a fork, you cunt.

                             CAREY MULLIGAN
               Other than the boss fucking thing, why do
               you hate me? What is the terrible place we
               came from? What happened there?

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               Knowing that would really be the rug the
               ties Lebowski's room together. You're a
               whore. And I like those, but you are a
               reflection of me, and I hate me.

                             CAREY MULLIGAN
               We aren't even going to mention the
               possible childhood neglect, the inability
               to cope with pain and the fact that we
               seem to be avoiding life in favor of self
               destructive behavior, the likes of which
               could cause life altering damage for
               ourselves and the many people we
               encounter? 

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               Nope, not really. People carry a shitload
               of their own baggage, and this movie is
               almost entirely relying on that.  

MICHAEL leaves and goes on a fuck binge.

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               After getting my ass kicked at a bar
               because I touched a girl's cooter, I will
               get my knob polished at Rick Santorum's
               secret gay sex club.

He does. Also, GLORY HOLE.

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               I'm beginning to look like I smell bad.
               Time for a threesome, complete with a trip
               to brown downtown, and the saddest orgasm
               on the planet. Nothing is sadder than a
               sad orgasm.

                             CAREY MULLIGAN
               Not so fast.

MICHAEL enters his apartment to find CAREY covered in blood after trying
to off herself.

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               Wow. This IS sad. 

Inside a hospital, CAREY calls MICHAEL a SHITHEAD. 

INT. SUBWAY CAR

                              LUCY WALTERS
               You again! I'm ready for your man sceptre
               to jab at my meat locker! Are we finally
               going to do this?!

                           MICHAEL FASSBENDER
               We'll never know.

                              LUCY WATERS
               Ah fuck. 

END

Rule #1: Never let the audience see what you're thinking. Fuck them, those nosy little bastards.

FADE IN:

INT. HOTEL

LIAM NEESON arrives in the lobby of a German hotel with a CARDBOARD
CUTOUT OF JANUARY JONES.

                              LIAM NEESON
               Oh no, I’ve left my briefcase at the
               airport. I must go back for it. Urgently.

LIAM Hails a cab with a SUPER HOT AND INTELLIGENT YET EMOTIONALLY
DETACHED DRIVER.

                              LIAM NEESON
               Well, I guess my cardboard wife must be
               evil because you’re clearly going to be
               my love interest.

                              DIANE KRUGER
               That obvious, huh?

                              LIAM NEESON
               Duh. The only way you’d be surprised by
               any “twist” in this movie is if you
               hit your head and forgot every other movie
               and TV show ever made.

                              DIANE KRUGER
               Consider it done.

DIANE CRASHES the cab. LIAM hits his head and gets AMNESIA. Except that
he remembers who he is. Except when he doesn’t. It’s basically how
brain injuries work in a HANNA BARBERA CARTOON.

                                 DOCTOR
               You’ve got no money, no ID, and a severe
               brain injury. So naturally you’re free
               to go. Apparently European-style
               healthcare is every bit as shitty as Newt
               Gingrich says.

                              LIAM NEESON
               I guess I’ll head back to the hotel.
               Urgently.

He DOES, only to discover the CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF JANUARY JONES dancing
with the BLOATED CORPSE OF AIDAN QUINN.

                              AIDAN QUINN
               Hi, I’m you.

                              LIAM NEESON
               Nuh-uh.

                              AIDAN QUINN
               Yeah-huh.

This CONTINUES for HALF AN HOUR. LIAM is eventually booted from the
hotel.

                              LIAM NEESON
               I’m heading for the U.S. Embassy!
               Urgently!

                             HOTEL MANAGER
               I’m sorry, the embassy is closed for
               International Plot Contrivance Day.

                              LIAM NEESON
               Then I’m calling my family in America!

                             HOTEL MANAGER
               I’m sorry, America is closed, too. The
               whole country. All of it.

                              LIAM NEESON
               Then it’s back to the hospital. Or maybe
               the police. Or even the airport.

                             HOTEL MANAGER
               Closed. Closed. Closed. Listen, we clearly
               introduced the hot cab driver for a
               reason. Why don’t you go find her?

                              LIAM NEESON
               Because that wouldn’t make a damn lick
               of sense.

He DOES IT ANYWAY. Urgently.

                              DIANE KRUGER
               Hi, I’m an illegal immigrant from a
               war-torn country with no family or any
               ties to anyone except the only black
               person in the movie, so naturally he’s
               about to-

Gunmen KILL the black friend.

                              DIANE KRUGER
               Yep. How did you not see that coming?

                              LIAM NEESON
               Head injury.

                              DIANE KRUGER
               Right. Thanks for dragging me into your
               deadly personal drama for no reason
               whatsoever. I guess I have no choice but
               to fall in love with you over the next 24
               hours. 

                              LIAM NEESON
               Say, I didn’t by any chance run into the
               only illegal immigrant cab driver with
               contacts in the dismantled East German
               secret police despite the fact she
               wasn’t even in this country when East
               Germany existed, did I?

                              DIANE KRUGER
               Oh, fuck it, why not. 

LIAM and DIANE go visit former secret police thug BRUNO GANZ.

                               BRUNO GANZ
               I’m a terrible person. I’ve been a
               terrible person for decades. Let me tell
               you just how terrible I am.

                              LIAM NEESON
               And then you’ll help us for no payment
               or personal gain or reason whatsoever?

                               BRUNO GANZ
               Yeah, that’s what terrible people do,
               right?

                              LIAM NEESON
               Um, yes. Yes, they do. Hey, I just
               remembered I know exactly one person in
               the world other than my wife! I should
               call him!

LIAM calls FRANK LANGELLA. Urgently.

                             FRANK LANGELLA
               Hey, by chance I’m in Germany right now,
               too! Quick, tell me where you are and the
               names and addresses of everyone you’ve
               talked to since hitting your head. And
               don’t take this as blatant evidence that
               I’m evil.

                              LIAM NEESON
               No, I take the fact that you’re Frank
               Langella as blatant evidence that you’re
               evil. Just look at you! Anyway, here’s
               all the info you asked for. 

                             FRANK LANGELLA
               Excellent. Now why don’t we meet in an
               abandoned parking garage as old friends
               often do when running into each other by
               chance in foreign countries?

                              LIAM NEESON
               Sure. Just as soon as I play a quick game
               of cat-and-mouse with my wife.

LIAM chases a CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF JANUARY JONES around a museum for a
while so FRANK has time to kill BRUNO.

                                 BRUNO
                 (dying)
               Wait! I have vital information to tell the
               audience! You’re clearly an uber-awesome
               gang of international hitmen known as
               Section 15!
                 (dies)

INT. PARKING GARAGE

FRANK meets up with LIAM.

                             FRANK LANGELLA
               Yes, as Bruno was just saying, we’re
               high-priced hitmen… and so are you,
               Liam! This whole identity you think
               that’s been stolen from you is just your
               cover story that you started to believe
               when you bumped your head. Kind of like
               when Yogi Bear hits his head and thinks
               he’s a world-famous movie star.

                              LIAM NEESON
               And I thought we were joking about that
               Hanna Barbera thing. 

                             FRANK LANGELLA
               How the fact that you have no memories of
               childhood or parents or going to college
               or getting a job or any damn thing about
               your alleged life didn’t tip you off
               that it was fake — or at least that
               you have very, very, very severe head
               trauma — is something I guess I’ll
               never know because I’m going to kill you
               now!

                              LIAM NEESON
               Not if Diane Kruger kills you first!

DIANE KRUGER somehow sneaks up on FRANK LANGELLA despite the fact that
she’s loudly driving a loud car in a loud, echo-y parking garage…
and then KILLS HIM.

                              DIANE KRUGER
               Good thing I’m an illegal immigrant with
               no ties anyone or anything or I might feel
               obligated to call the police now.

                              LIAM NEESON
               Back to the hotel! Urgently!

INT. HOTEL

                              LIAM NEESON
               My wife and the new me are here to steal a
               bunch of industrial secrets and then blow
               up the hotel to cover it up because
               apparently they thought DIE HARD was an
               instructional video!

                             HOTEL MANAGER
               You are clearly a crazy person, but I’ve
               got nothing better to do than to check old
               security tapes to see if you show up on
               them.

He DOES.

                             HOTEL MANAGER
               There you are! Sacre bleu!

                              LIAM NEESON
               Aren’t you German?

                             HOTEL MANAGER
               Yes, sorry. It just seems like snooty
               hotel managers should be French for some
               reason, doesn’t it? 

                              LIAM NEESON
               Whatever! Just evacuate the building!

INT. FANCY-PANTS PARTY IN HOTEL PENTHOUSE

                              AIDAN QUINN
               Oh no! They’ve ordered everyone to
               evacuate! We must have been found out.
               January, you dismantle the bomb while I
               run off without you.

Everyone else evacuates, but JANUARY JONES, being cardboard, just stands
there until the bomb goes off. 

                              AIDAN QUINN
               Holy crap, I hope I get a more satisfying
               death than that.

                              LIAM NEESON
               Consider it done.

LIAM pummels AIDAN to death. 

                              LIAM NEESON
               Well, despite the major bombing in the
               middle of a major city, I shouldn’t find
               it any problem to sneak out of the rubble
               and out of the country. I guess that's
               because I now remember my life as a badass
               international hitman for some reason.

                              DIANE KRUGER
               So are you back to being an evil,
               heartless killer?

                              LIAM NEESON
               No, I’m still the nice normal family man
               I thought I was.

                              DIANE KRUGER
               But how is that-

                              LIAM NEESON
               BRAIN TRAUMA LETS US DO ANYTHING!

END.

Zeus was into some pretty kinky shit.

FADE IN:

EXT. ANCIENT GREECE

Everything is GREY and WASHED OUT because this is AN EPIC.

                           LIAM NEESON (V.O.)
               I know you all mentally erased “Clash”
               from your memories, so I’ll recap. I am
               Zeus. My son Sam Worthington killed the
               Kraken and I offered to make him Junior
               CEO of Olympus but he OMG WHY THE FUCK AM
               I STILL DOING THESE MOVIES?!

LIAM appears to his demigod son SAM WORTHINGTON.

                              LIAM NEESON
               Sam, the Gods are losing their powers
               because nobody’s praying to us anymore.

                            SAM WORTHINGTON
               Could it have something to do with your
               penchant for killing lots of your
               worshipers and raping their women, like my
               mother?

                              LIAM NEESON
               Nah, that’s not it. I need you to help
               save me and the other Gods.

                            SAM WORTHINGTON
               But the Gods killed my foster parents! And
               you sent a giant shitty CGI monster to
               kill me!

                              LIAM NEESON
               Would you please stop reminding daddy
               about how he tried to Casey Anthony you?

                            SAM WORTHINGTON
               Remember my girlfriend from the last
               movie? The one who died and who you
               brought back to life? Well she died again
               so I was thinking maybe you could-

                              LIAM NEESON
               Gotta go!
                 (vanishes)

INT. TARTARUS (AKA “ALCATRAZ FOR CGI MONSTERS”)

LIAM and his brother DANNY HOUSTON (Posiedon) meet with LIAM’s son
EDGAR RAMIREZ (Ares) and LIAM’s other brother RALPH FIENNES
(Voldemort, but with a NOSE).

                             RALPH FIENNES
               Liam, I’m still super pissed at you for
               trapping me here, so I’m going to wake
               up our father Kronos so that he can OMG
               WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO BE IN THIS
               SHITTY SEQUEL?!

                              LIAM NEESON
               Phew, I’m glad it wasn’t just me.

                             EDGAR RAMIREZ
               I hate you daddy! Whah! You love Sam more
               than me so I’m getting Grandpa Kronos to
               destroy the world! Whah!

CGI MONKEYS appear and fling FLAMING POOP at LIAM and DANNY. DANNY is
MORTALLY WOUNDED by the FIRE POOP.

                             DANNY HOUSTON
               The hell? Aren’t I a God? How can fire
               poop hurt me? This is bullshit.
                 (escapes)

LIAM is captured and EDGAR steals his LIGHTNING BOLT THING.

                             EDGAR RAMIREZ
               My toy! Mine! Whah!

                             RALPH FIENNES
                 (actual line)
               It has begun.

                              LIAM NEESON
               You mean the decline of our careers? Yeah,
               no shit.

EXT. ANCIENT GREECE

LAME MYTHICAL CREATURE #1 is a TWO-HEADED CGI DRAGON THING and it FLAME
BROILS SAM’s village with its FIRE BREATH. But SAM kills the creature
by, get this, setting it ON FIRE.

                         TWO-HEADED CGI DRAGON
                                 THING
               The hell? How can we be killed with fire
               when we fucking breathe it?! This is like
               Aquaman being killed by drowning.
                 (burning to death)
               Oh my God this hurts! Fire hurts! This is
               horrible! Now we know what our victims
               must feel like! Oh the ironyyyyyyyy!!!!!
                 (cooked, extra crispy, and served with
                 marinara sauce)

INT. GREEK GOD MUSEUM

SAM tries to contact LIAM but DANNY shows up instead.

                             DANNY HOUSTON
                 (dying)
               Sam! You have to go rescue Liam! But
               you’ll need my demigod son Toby Kebbell
               to help you! Did I say “help”? I meant
               “be completely fucking useless!” Here,
               take my pitchfork thing with you!

                            SAM WORTHINGTON
               Hasn’t it been hours since Liam was
               captured? Couldn’t you have contacted me
               a lot sooner and warned me about that
               dragon before it flamethrowered all of my
               friends?

                             DANNY HOUSTON
                 (covering his ears)
               NOT LISTENING! SORRY! GOTTA DIE NOW! BYE!
                 (dies)

SAM hops on his FLYING HORSE and finds “WARRIOR” QUEEN ROSAMUND
PIKE.

                            SAM WORTHINGTON
               Hey, you’re not the chick from
               “Chronicles of Riddick”.

                             ROSAMUND PIKE
               No, I’m a completely different actress.
               I guess Alexa Davalos was the only
               original cast member who does her own
               script reading.

                            SAM WORTHINGTON
               There was a script?

                             ROSAMUND PIKE
               Even though my character spent the last
               movie as a helpless damsel, I have since
               become a Warrior Queen. With perfect hair.
               And skin. And zero muscle tone. Gurlz
               Rule!

                            SAM WORTHINGTON
               Danny told me you’re holding his son
               Toby Kebbell prisoner.

                              TOBY KEBBELL
               Ugh! My daddy sent you? Well I hate him!
               Because all daddies are assholes! That
               means you can go straight to hell!

                            SAM WORTHINGTON
               Great, we’ll go together. See? I’ve
               already printed the directions off of
               Google Maps and booked a cruise through
               Priceline, so let’s go.

                              TOBY KEBBELL
               We’re going by boat? But can’t you
               just fly there on your magical flying
               horse?

                            SAM WORTHINGTON
               Do you know how expensive it is to fuel
               that fucker? Ancient apple prices are a
               bitch.

SAM, TOBY and ROSAMUND TELEPORT to a FOREST.

                             ROSAMUND PIKE
               Seriously, how am I supposed to fight
               mythical creatures when I don’t have any
               powers? And my armor isn’t even real,
               there's a Gucci label on it.

                            SAM WORTHINGTON
               But without you this would be a total
               sausage fest. Yay for sexism!

                           DIRECTOR JONATHAN
                               LIEBESMAN
               Uh-oh, the audience is getting dangerously
               close to actually caring about these
               characters. An action sequence should fix
               that!

LAME MYTHICAL CREATURE #2 is a POORLY RENDERED CYCLOPS and it attacks
the group.

                            SAM WORTHINGTON
               Hey penis face! Look at this pitchfork
               thing I got from Danny!

                            POORLY RENDERED
                                CYCLOPS
               Argh! A pitchfork! You could poke an eye
               out with that thing! MY EYE in fact! Even
               though I am bigger and stronger than you
               and have called in my entire Cyclops
               family for backup, we surrender!

THIS HAPPENS.

SAM and his team TELEPORT to BILL NIGHY'S HOUSE.

                            SAM WORTHINGTON
               Bill, you built Tartarus so we need you to
               get us inside.

                               BILL NIGHY
               Right after I get in some quality scenery
               chewing first.
                 (chews the fuck out of the scenery
                 until there isn't a goddamned shred of
                 scenery left to be chewed)
               It’s sad that this will be the only
               entertaining part of the entire movie.

The CAMERA focuses on the MECHANICAL OWL from the original movie just to
COCK TEASE fans.

                               THE MOVIE
               Nope! Still not going to use it! Fuck you,
               original fans!

EXT. TARTARUS

LIAM’s GOD POWERS are being sucked out of his body and transferred to
his father KRONOS, a giant LAVA MONSTER.

                              LIAM NEESON
               Oh come on, how the hell can my daddy be a
               lava monster? This isn’t even trying to
               be accurate anymore. You guys are just
               making this shit up as you go along,
               aren’t you?

                             RALPH FIENNES
               Once daddy wakes up I’m going to tell
               him I caught you looking at his Playboys
               and he’s going to be real mad and put
               you on punishment and I’m finally going
               to get the top bunk! Neener neener neener!

                              LIAM NEESON
               Ralph, I forgive you for trying to kill
               me.

                             RALPH FIENNES
               Your kind words of forgiveness have made
               me rethink being an evil bastard. I am now
               one Hallmark Card away from changing sides
               and helping you.

                              LIAM NEESON
               Just because I apologized? But haven’t
               you been trying to overthrow me for
               centuries? Why are you having second
               thoughts when you’ve finally won?

                             RALPH FIENNES
               Uhhhh...

EXT. ENTRANCE TO TARTARUS

SAM and his team TELEPORT to a door leading to TARTARUS.

                            SAM WORTHINGTON
               Why is the door to Tartarus made out of
               rotating Linkin Logs?

SAM and his team enter TARTARUS via SLIP’N SLIDE and land in a full
sized version TETRIS. But the CAMERAMAN films the scene through a BURLAP
SACK filled with SAND just to make sure we can’t SEE SHIT.

                             ROSAMUND PIKE
               Oh no! We are in a constantly shifting
               maze! How are we going to navigate through
               it?!

                            SAM WORTHINGTON
               By standing perfectly still!

That WORKS.

Then they are attacked by LAME MYTHICAL CREATURE #3, a STUNTMAN wearing
an awful MINOTAUR HALLOWEEN COSTUME.

                                MINOTAUR
               OH YEAH BABY! I’VE BEEN STUCK DOWN HERE
               FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS AND I’M READY TO
               KICK SOME FUCKING ASS! COME ON SAM! GIVE
               ME YOUR BEST SHOT!
                 (gets punched)
                 (dies)

                            SAM WORTHINGTON
               What’s the point of introducing these
               mythical creatures only to kill them off
               in less time than it takes to microwave
               popcorn?

SAM and his team reach LIAM, who is chained up and looking very CHARLTON
HESTON in “THE TEN COMMANDMENTS”.

                              LIAM NEESON
               It’s too late! Kronos has absorbed all
               of my power! I’m mortal now!

                             EDGAR RAMIREZ
               One order of Patricide with extra cheese
               coming right up!

EDGAR HARPOONS LIAM in the back. He is about to die, but RALPH switches
sides and transfers some of his GOD POWER over to him.

                             RALPH FIENNES
               Together we have enough strength to hold
               off Kronos!

                              LIAM NEESON
               But you just shared your power with me.
               Doesn’t that mean you should’ve been
               able to hold off Kronos all by yourself?

                             RALPH FIENNES
               ...

CGI MONSTERS come out of TARTARUS and kill THE SHIT out of ROSAMUND’S
ARMY because they are all wearing RED SHIRTS.

Then LIAM and RALPH kill the monsters by WAVING THEIR HANDS AROUND A BIT
while COMPUTER ANIMATORS add in the monsters LATER because LIAM and
RALPH are OLD.

Meanwhile...

INT. GREEK GOD MUSEUM

SAM and EDGAR jump into a WWF ring and FIGHT.

                             EDGAR RAMIREZ
               Let’s get ready to rumbuuuuuuuule!

SAM and EDGAR do WRESTLING MOVES on each other. EDGAR picks up a METAL
CHAIR and BEATS SAM over the head with it. Then he chugs a BEER and
crushes the can on his forehead.

                             EDGAR RAMIREZ
               Can you smell what the God of War is
               cookin’?

EDGAR demolishes every single MARBLE STATUE in the place using SAM’S
SKULL.

                             EDGAR RAMIREZ
               I hate you Sam! Because Daddy Liam loves
               you more than me! What makes you so
               special?!

                            SAM WORTHINGTON
               Because I can take a million blows to the
               head while my hair stays perfectly
               coiffed?

Upon hearing this news, EDGAR’S brain EXPLODES.

SAM takes back LIAM’s LIGHTNING BOLT THING and uses his FLYING HORSE
to get to KRONOS, who is wearing a POLYESTER JUMPSUIT, ORTHOPEDIC SHOES,
and using a WALKER with TENNIS BALLS on the legs.

                                 KRONOS
               Sammy! My grandson! You don't call, you
               don't write, I mean it’s the least you
               could do.

                            SAM WORTHINGTON
               Sorry Grandpa Kronos. I've been busy.

                                 KRONOS
               Too busy to call your grandpa?! Kids these
               days! Now help me get into my AOL and set
               the timer on my VCR. And have I told you
               about my bad hip? Oh and my bad back? Oh
               and my high blood pressure? Oh and my-

                            SAM WORTHINGTON
               OMG ENOUGH ALREADY!

SAM flies into KRONOS’ LAVA MOUTH without GETTING BURNED and throws
his GOD SPEAR down KRONOS’ THROAT, euthanizing him.

Then SAM meets with LIAM.

                              LIAM NEESON
                 (dying)
               I love you son, and I hope you can forgive
               me for that whole raping your mom
               incident.

                            SAM WORTHINGTON
               You motherfucker.

                              LIAM NEESON
               I sure was.
                 (dies)

                             RALPH FIENNES
               I am mortal now and all my power is gone.
                 (actual line)
               Perhaps I might be stronger without it.

                            SAM WORTHINGTON
               You do realize that without your cool
               superpowers you’re just a senile old
               fart with no money, skills or work
               experience, right? Have fun dying of
               starvation, asshole.

SAM finds ROSAMUND and shoves his TONGUE all the way down HER THROAT.

                             ROSAMUND PIKE
               Whoawhoawhoa- what the hell was that?!

                            SAM WORTHINGTON
               I’m the hero! That means I get to make
               out with you!

                             ROSAMUND PIKE
               No you fucking do not! I offered to make
               you king in the last movie and you dumped
               me for Strawberry Fields! Who was dead,
               mind you! Girls don’t just forget shit
               like that, Sam!

                            SAM WORTHINGTON
               Look, I’m a demigod, okay? Forcing
               myself on women is basically my entire job
               description. That and having major daddy
               issues.

SAM meets with his son JOHN BELL.

                               JOHN BELL
               Hey dad, why was this movie called
               “Wrath of the Titans”, when it only
               had one Titan in it?

                            SAM WORTHINGTON
               Good question. Why is that, movie?

                               THE MOVIE
               Because
                 (gives the AUDIENCE the FINGER)

END

"PER-SON-AL CHECK-ING. See Gary, you just have to enunciate."

FADE IN:

EXT. EASTERN EUROPE

Under COVER OF DARKNESS, an elite TEAM OF AMERICAN MILITARYMEN
infiltrates a WELL-GUARDED MANSION without DETECTION. The team CAPTURES
one of the WORLD’S MOST WANTED TERRORISTS under the DIRECTION of the
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

                            OSAMA BIN LADEN
               Well this movie is already completely and
               totally unrealistic. Turn this shit off!
                                                                 CUT TO:

INT. MOSCOW BALLROOM, THREE WEEKS LATER

PRESIDENT HARRISON FORD gives a ROUSING ANTI-TERRORIST SPEECH to a room
full of AMERICAN AND RUSSIAN POLITICANS while eating a DOUBLE BACON
CHEESEBURGER and DRINKING A MOUNTAIN DEW.

                             HARRISON FORD
               And that, my friends, is proof that
               America will never negotiate with
               terrorists! Unless of course a few of them
               were to take my family and my staff
               hostage, but what are the odds that would
               happen LITERALLY 10 minutes after I give
               this speech?
                                                                 CUT TO:

EXT. MOSCOW AIRPORT

                              GARY OLDMAN
               We would like to board Air Force One to
               film a piece for the Russian news.
               Here’s my I.D. Please take no notice
               whatsoever that our cameras double as
               rifle scopes.

                          RANDOM SECURITY GUY
                 (scanning I.D.)
               Hmm…I see you are listed as “Gary
               Oldman,” aliases “Lee Harvey
               Oswald,” “Dracula” and “Drexl
               Spivey.” I’m sure that should mean
               something to me and fill me with doubt as
               to whether to let you on the plane.
                 (pause)
               Here are your tickets, enjoy the flight.

INT. AIR FORCE ONE

                             HARRISON FORD
               Ok, this is a 1990s Harrison Ford action
               movie. I’m sure I must have a daughter
               whose only purpose will be to have the
               terrorists threaten her life to force my
               hand later -

                            LIESEL MATTHEWS
               Hi Dad!

                             HARRISON FORD
               I can imagine my wife will require me to
               save her multiple times and will prove to
               be completely inept.

                             WENDY CREWSON
               As all women are.

                             HARRISON FORD
               Do I have two top lieutenants, one of whom
               will probably die and one of whom will
               probably survive?

                          WILLIAM H. MACY AND
                             PAUL GILFOYLE
                 (eating onion rings and drinking
                 Slurpees)
               Reporting for duty, sir!

                             HARRISON FORD
               Good, now all that’s left is another
               trusted lieutenant actually working for
               the terrorists.
                 (crickets)
               Anyone?

                            XANDER BERKELEY
                 (silently crushing a Mickey Mouse
                 figurine)

                             HARRISON FORD
               No? Oh well, I’m sure you will reveal
               yourself at the stupidest possible moment.
               Now let’s do this!

                              GARY OLDMAN
               I guess that’s my cue.
                 (fashions bullets from the metal of
                 the Vince Lombardi trophy, hijacks
                 plane and takes passengers hostage)

                            WILLIAM H. MACY
               Quick Harrison, we have to save you! Get
               into this escape pod that does not
               actually exist on the real Air Force One
               in order to advance the plot.

                             HARRISON FORD
               Ok, but being the President AND Harrison
               Ford, you must know that I will have to
               save everyone in this movie
               single-handedly. Gonna be hard to do that
               from the ground.

                            WILLIAM H. MACY
               One man, save everyone on this plane
               single-handedly? That would be like if FDR
               flew to Germany and personally punched all
               of the Nazis to death.

                             HARRISON FORD
               No, that would be like if FDR flew to
               Germany and personally punched all of the
               Nazis to death WHILE saying, “Heil THIS,
               motherfucker.”

                            WILLIAM H. MACY
               Does that mean this movie is going to have
               some pseudo-badass catch phrase too? I
               should have known.

                             HARRISON FORD
               Don’t worry about it. Just walk away and
               assume I got in the escape pod.

INT. COCKPIT

                              ELYA BASKIN
               Gary! The pilots managed to land the plane
               before we could take control of the
               cockpit. Now I will have to get it back in
               the air before running out of runway. This
               could statistically never happen.

                              GARY OLDMAN
               Of course it couldn’t. Now get it back
               in the air anyway.
                                                                 CUT TO:

EXT. GERMAN AIR FORCE BASE

                            RANDOM AIR FORCE
                                CAPTAIN
               A Boeing 747 needs at minimum a mile of
               runway to take off. They have like 100
               feet. Don’t bother trying to shoot out
               an engine or anything, comrades, it’ll
               never happen.
                 (Catches glimpse of Harrison Ford’s
                 face as plane careens by)
               DAMMIT!!
                 (plane takes off)
                                                                 CUT TO:

INT. CARGO HOLD

                             HARRISON FORD
                 (drinking a Sam Adams)
               Surprise! I didn’t escape in the escape
               pod. Let me call the vice president to let
               her know.

                             PAUL GILFOYLE
               Wait, “her?!” The vice president is a
               woman? But I thought we established that
               all women in Harrison Ford movies are
               completely inept!

                              GLENN CLOSE
               Who says I’m not? I am going to spend
               most of the movie completely
               misinterpreting the Constitution instead
               of doing anything that might help, like
               remotely interfering with the plane's
               equipment and giving the terrorists no
               choice but to land.

                             PAUL GILFOYLE
               That capability doesn't exist in this
               movie.

                              GLENN CLOSE
               Yeah, I kind of figured that.

                             HARRISON FORD
               See what I mean about
               “single-handedly?” Let me do something
               useful like dump some fuel off this bitch.

There are FIVE WIRES attached to the FUSELAGE. They are colored GREEN,
YELLOW, RED, WHITE and BLUE. HARRISON FORD needs to cut TWO WIRES and
leave THREE INTACT in order to START THE FUEL DUMP. Please GUESS WHICH
THREE he will leave intact. TAKE YOUR TIME.

                             HARRISON FORD
                 (actual line)
               I’m counting on you, red, white and
               blue.
                 (cuts green and yellow wires)

The PLANE CRASHES! EVERYONE DIES!
                                                                 CUT TO:

INT. COCKPIT

                              GARY OLDMAN
               This movie just went 40 seconds without an
               action scene. Let me rectify this by
               killing some people.

                             DONNA BULLOCK
               I am a pretty blond woman who is kind and
               friendly. I am also in a Harrison Ford
               movie. I am confident I will survive until
               the end.

                              ELYA BASKIN
               Gary! Air Force One is dumping fuel! Could
               it be that a rogue hostage initiated this
               fuel dump from below deck?
                 (pause)
               Nah, I’m sure the plane entrusted with
               carrying the President of the United
               States leaks fuel all the time. I’m not
               going to worry about it.

                              GARY OLDMAN
               Neither am I. I will just convince Glenn
               Close to refuel us in midair.

                             DONNA BULLOCK
               That is completely unrealistic and
               therefore will obviously happen in this
               movie.

                              GARY OLDMAN
               Actually Air Force One really does have
               the capability of being refueled in
               midair.

                             DONNA BULLOCK
               You mean…this movie is actually going to
               include a detail…that is…accurate?
                 (head explodes)
                 (dies)

                              GARY OLDMAN
               Ha ha, I broke a Harrison Ford movie rule!
               Now refuel this plane or else!

                              GLENN CLOSE
               We will NEVER negotiate with terrorists!
                 (pause)
               Ok, fine.

INT. CARGO HOLD

                             HARRISON FORD
               While the plane is being refueled, we will
               open the exit ramp and parachute to
               freedom at the extremely safe altitude of
               15,000 feet over an unknown area of
               Eastern Europe.  What a great plan. Hey -
               not so fast, actors recognizable to the
               audience!

                            XANDER BERKELEY
                 (burning a wad of 20 dollar bills)
               I will stay to protect you, sir.

                             HARRISON FORD
               Actually Xander, you’re not that
               well-known. You can go.

                            XANDER BERKELEY
               But uh…I, um…well you see…
                 (interrupted by hijackers)

                            RANDOM HIJACKER
               I should stop them by depressurizing the
               exit ramp even though that should have
               already happened when the exit ramp
               actually opened.
                 (opens door)
                 (multiple people fall to their deaths
                 off the exit ramp)

                             HARRISON FORD
                 (almost falling to his death off the
                 exit ramp)
               Let me grab hold of the edge of the plane
               and hang on for dear life. No matter that
               the plane is traveling at about 600 miles
               per hour and at that speed, my arm would
               be ripped from my socket. I have Harrison
               fucking Ford’s arms!

WILLIAM H. MACY pulls HARRISON FORD to SAFETY. The HIJACKERS actually
HELP HIM because, well, come on – wouldn’t EVERYONE save HARRISON
FORD?

INT. COCKPIT

                             HARRISON FORD
               All right Gary. You got me. Let’s dance.

                              GARY OLDMAN
               I want you to release our terrorist leader
               that your soldiers captured at the
               beginning of this movie. I chose the most
               ridiculous way possible to force you to do
               this. What would I seriously do if you
               released him? Sit back and watch the
               in-flight movie until we land in
               Washington D.C.?

                             HARRISON FORD
               You don’t have to worry about that
               because I will NEVER! NEGOTIATE! WITH
               TERRORISTS!
                 (begins singing “God Bless
                 America”)

                              GARY OLDMAN
               Please?

                             HARRISON FORD
               …laaaand that I loooove…

                              GARY OLDMAN
               Pretty please?

                             HARRISON FORD
               …and guiiiiide her…

                              GARY OLDMAN
               FINE! Well I will just threaten to kill
               your daughter then to force your hand.

                            LIESEL MATTHEWS
               Don’t let him kill me Daddy!

                             HARRISON FORD
               Fuck! I forgot about that. All right,
               release the terrorist.

The TERRORIST is RELEASED in the most EXTREMELY TIME-CONSUMING WAY
POSSIBLE in order to give HARRISON FORD enough time to GAIN THE UPPER
HAND!

There is A LOT of AIMLESS FIGHTING. PAUL GILFOYLE is SHOT, but SURVIVES.

                            WILLIAM H. MACY
               Aw, come on!!

INT. CARGO HOLD

                              GARY OLDMAN
               You may think you’ve retaken the plane,
               Harrison, but I have your wife! I will
               throw her off the exit ramp if you don’t
               still let our leader go free.

                             HARRISON FORD
                 (tackles Gary)
               I TOLD YOU! I WILL NEVER NEGOTIATE WITH
               TERRORISTS!

                              GARY OLDMAN
               But you just fucking did!!!

They WRESTLE WUSSILY.

                             WENDY CREWSON
               Gary dropped his gun! But I can’t shoot
               him because he is so close to Harrison
               that I might accidentally hit him instead!
               I suppose I could walk up to Gary and
               shoot him at close range, thereby ensuring
               that I hit the right person.
                 (remembers role in movie)
               Never mind.

                              GARY OLDMAN
               The whole movie has been building to the
               scene of the two of us kicking each
               other’s asses…and this is it? The only
               thing that would make this lamer is if
               Harrison chose this exact moment to utter
               his ridiculous catchphrase.

                             HARRISON FORD
                 (slowly pulls chili cheese dog from
                 jacket pocket and begins eating it)

                              GARY OLDMAN
               Goddammmmiittt-

                             HARRISON FORD
                 (strangles Gary with original American
                 flag stitched by Betsy Ross)
                 (actual line, but you already knew
                 that)
               GET OFF MY PLANE!!!!!!!!!

                              GARY OLDMAN
               By doing so would I avoid having to be
               present for the next 45 minutes of this
               movie? Yes? Ok, see ya.
                 (dies)

                             HARRISON FORD
               Wait, there are still 45 minutes left in
               this movie?

INT. WHITE HOUSE

                              GLENN CLOSE
               Our crew retook the plane! Now we can
               throw that terrorist back in prison.
               Please try not to get him killed while
               doing this guys, the entire world is
               watching.

The AMERICAN and RUSSIAN MILITARYS KILL the TERRORIST on NATIONAL
TELEVISION.

                              GLENN CLOSE
               Well that should sit well with his
               supporters.
                                                                 CUT TO:

INT. AIR FORCE ONE

                            WILLIAM H. MACY
               The terrorist’s supporters have sent
               fighter jets after us! And we have no one
               to pilot the aircraft! And Harrison, if
               you say that you have flying experience so
               help me –

                             HARRISON FORD
               Luckily enough for all of you, I am a
               heavily decorated Vietnam War hero. This
               should not translate AT ALL to me being
               able to fly a 747, but it obviously will.

It DOES. Air Force One SUCCESSFULLY EVADES the ATTACKING FIGHTER JETS
and THE MOVIE ENDS!

ACTUALLY, it KEEPS FUCKING GOING.

INT. COCKPIT

                             HARRISON FORD
               Oh no, my crack flying skills have left
               Air Force One too badly damaged to land.
               We are ultimately going to crash in the
               Atlantic Ocean. How we are already over
               the Atlantic after leaving Moscow just a
               couple of hours ago makes no logical sense
               whatsoever.
                 (catches reflection in cockpit mirror)
               Oh yea, that’s right.

                              GLENN CLOSE
               Not to worry, I will send one of our
               fighter jets after you and its soldiers
               will rescue you via zip line. Yes, I said
               zip line. Oh and there will only be enough
               time to rescue about 4 of you before the
               plane crashes, so if there is a hidden
               villain now might be the time to reveal
               yourself.

                            XANDER BERKELEY
                 (peeing into a Starbucks cup)

                              GLENN CLOSE
               Ok, but don’t say you didn’t have your
               shot.

EXT. EXIT DOOR

                             RANDOM SOLDIER
                 (on zip line outside exit door)
               I have direct orders from the government
               to rescue the President first! THE
               PRESIDENT FIRST! And ONLY THE PRESIDENT
               FIRST!

                             HARRISON FORD
               No, my family first!

                             RANDOM SOLDIER
               Ok.
                 (rescues family)
               Now ONLY THE PRESIDENT NEXT!

                             HARRISON FORD
               No, the injured Paul Gilfoyle next!

                             RANDOM SOLDIER
               Ok.
                 (rescues Paul Gilfoyle)
               Now I’M GODDAMN SERIOUS, THE PRESIDENT
               NEXT!

                             HARRISON FORD
               No, my loyal patriots William H. Macy and
               Xander Berkeley first!

                             RANDOM SOLDIER
               Actually I seriously only have time to
               rescue one more person.

                             HARRISON FORD
               Shit, never mind.

                            XANDER BERKELEY
               Wait, sacrifice myself for you? Are you
               kidding me?
                 (shoots random soldier)
                 (shoots William H. Macy)

                            WILLIAM H. MACY
               Goddamn you Paul Gilfoyle!
                 (dies)

                             HARRISON FORD
               Wait, it was you working for the
               terrorists?? Now that you mention it, this
               scene does smell of “stupidest possible
               moment for traitor to reveal oneself,”
               so it looks like you won “Harrison Ford
               Movie Double-Cross Bingo!” The prize is
               death by plane crash, enjoy!
                 (beats shit out of Xander Berkeley,
                 gets off plane via zip line)

                            XANDER BERKELEY
               You know, I would be super pissed but in a
               few years I will be on one of the fucking
               coolest shows on television and you’ll
               be making “What Lies Beneath.” So in a
               way I did win!!
                 (plane crashes)
                 (dies)

                             HARRISON FORD
                 (flapping in breeze on zip line)
               Let me pretend I didn’t hear that and
               float along for another 10 minutes to drag
               this movie out even longer.

                         ANOTHER RANDOM SOLDIER
               Will you hurry the hell up? If you don’t
               make it on this plane a woman will become
               president! A WOMAN, FORD!

                             HARRISON FORD
               Holy shit! That may be the only thing too
               illogical for a Harrison Ford movie! Here
               I am.
                 (pulls himself onto plane)

                             WENDY CREWSON
               Oh honey, I’m so glad you survived! And
               let me make sure to say this right in
               front of our teenage daughter - I totally
               agree with you about that “woman being
               president” thing. Isn’t that just the
               silliest thing you ever heard?

                             HARRISON FORD
               Actually a black president would be the
               silliest thing.

                             WENDY CREWSON
               Wait, "black?" What is this word of which
               you speak? That word does not exist in a
               Harrison Ford movie.

                             RANDOM SOLDIER
               But...I'm black.

                             HARRISON FORD
                 (pause)
               GET OFF MY PLANE!!!!

END

"OMG are those genuine Vibram soles?" "Why yes! I got custom treads too, look!"

FADE IN:

INT. A HOUSE - JAKARTA, INDONESIA - DAWN

                               IKO UWAIS
               Witness my twofold morning ritual of
               intense physical training and quiet
               meditation! The training will prepare me
               for the gruelling action scenes later on,
               while the meditation will prepare me for
               the lack of any other kind of scene.

                             PREGNANT WIFE
                 (lying serenely in bed)
               Good morning, Iko.  I'm so content being
               your Reason To Live that I don't even need
               my own story.  Interestingly, the only
               other female character in this entire
               movie also does nothing but lie in bed. 
               Girl power, this ain't.

INT. SWAT VAN - LATER THAT MORNING

SWAT SEARGANT JOE TASLIM is SWAT BRIEFING his SWAT TEAM, which includes
IKO.

                               JOE TASLIM
               Listen up, team.  I know I said we were
               going on a coffee run, but instead we're
               about to raid a twenty-plus-storey
               apartment building in the scuzziest part
               of town, owned by the most feared ganglord
               in the city, and inhabited by over 400
               violent criminals.  Surprise!

                               IKO UWAIS
               I'm not worried.  I practice the deadly,
               knife-wielding art of Silat, which fuses
               the elegant discipline of martial arts
               with the visceral satisfaction of shanking
               a punk.  It is a far superior style, and
               it will give us the edge we need.

                               JOE TASLIM
               Actually all the criminals know Silat too.
                You may not have noticed, but this entire
               universe we inhabit is one giant showcase
               for the Silat style, which is why I had to
               dagger-punch my barista in the throat this
               morning.
                 (mutters)
               No-foam, my ass.

                               IKO UWAIS
               So you're saying our notoriously corrupt
               police department is sending us on a
               virtual suicide mission without any
               explanation, and we're not even the least
               bit suspicious?

                               JOE TASLIM
                 (shrugs)
               You got a more efficient pretext for
               setting up two hours of non-stop action,
               you go right ahead.  No?  Okay then, let
               me finish the briefing.
                 (to group)
               You should all know how to distinguish the
               Big Boss's two main henchmen, named Andi
               and Mad Dog.  Mad Dog is, spoiler alert, a
               master of Silat; whereas Andi, by
               contrast, is a Silat master. 

INT. BIG BOSS'S OFFICE

We see RAY SAHETAPY, the BIG BOSS, flanked by YAYAN RUHIAN and DONI
ALAMSYAH, who are presumably ANDI and MAD DOG.  The camera lingers a bit
while we try to guess WHICH is WHICH.  The actors help out by NOT DOING
ANYTHING FOR A GOOD WHILE.

                             DONI ALAMSYAH
               Maybe one of these five prisoners knows
               which one of us is Mad Dog.

                              RAY SAHETAPY
               Then I will KILL THEM ALL!  For as long as
               I'm the only one who knows, I maintain my
               evil hold over you both!

He SHOOTS FOUR of the PRISONERS and then HAMMERS the last one to DEATH,
because it is a sign of SUPREME EVIL to save an over-the-top violent
finishing move for one arbitrary foe.

EXT. CRIMEDOMINIUM

                               JOE TASLIM
               Now we must use our SWAT training to
               outwit one half-asleep douchebag watching
               TV!  You twelve guys sneak up on him,
               while the rest of us watch from an
               unhelpful position.

                         HALF-ASLEEP DOUCHEBAG
                 (being subdued)
               YOLP!

The SWAT TEAM SNEAK INSIDE and SUBDUE a few more guys!

INT. EXTREMELY FILTHY HALLWAY

                               JOE TASLIM
               So far this is going pretty well.  Don't
               you agree, Commanding Officer and Failed
               Duke Nukem Impersonator Pierre Gruno?

                              PIERRE GRUNO
               Yeah, it's looking good OH FUCK I JUST
               SHOT A KID!  And this has directly led to
               our being discovered and our plan going to
               shit!  How meaningful that our moral
               failure has caused our tactical one also!

                               JOE TASLIM
               Yes, what a resonant tragedy!
                 (pause)
               It sure would suck if it turned out later
               that the criminals were waiting to ambush
               us all along, wouldn't it.  I mean, then
               that scene of gunning down a child would
               just be gratuitous.

                              PIERRE GRUNO
               I agree.  THAT better not happen.

                         WRITER/DIRECTOR GARETH
                                 EVANS
               Oops.

Suddenly GUNMEN appear and START SHOOTING!  The COPS RETURN FIRE!!  LOTS
AND LOTS OF SHOOTING HAPPENS!!

                               JOE TASLIM
                 (over gunfire)
               KEEP FIRING MEN!! WE NEED TO USE UP ALL
               OUR AMMO NOW, SO THAT THE REST OF THE
               MOVIE CAN BE ALL HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT!!

INT. ANOTHER BUILDING NEARBY

TWO EVIL SNIPERS take up position in their MAGICAL M.C. ESCHER ROOM that
allows them to shoot at ALL FOUR SIDES OF THE MAIN BUILDING ALL AT ONCE.
 They start GUNNING DOWN ALL THE COPS!

                              SWAT COP #4
               Nooo, they shot SWAT Cop #2 in the eye and
               exploded his brain!  Get up, SWAT Cop #2!!
                Don't let your lack of brain stop you!!
               GET UP DAMMIT!!
                 (is shot)

INT. FILTHY CRIME-PARTMENT

                               IKO UWAIS
               Damn, the gunmen have us pinned down. 
               Wait, I know, I'll blow up a refrigerator!
                By the Crystal Skull Principle, it'll
               save us!

                               JOE TASLIM
               Oh come on, that movie was bullshit-

The FRIDGE EXPLODES, FRAGGING pretty much THE ENTIRE FLOOR and EVERYBODY
ON IT EQUALLY, so GOOD PLAN THERE IKO.

INT. BIG BOSS'S OFFICE

                              RAY SAHETAPY
               Hm, those cops may be more trouble than I
               thought.  That explosion caused almost
               three dollars' worth of damage.

                             DONI ALAMSYAH
               Maybe you should have one of us check it
               out.

                              YAYAN RUHIAN
               Yup, sure sounds like a job for "Mad
               Dog"...

                              RAY SAHETAPY
               Oh, nice try, assholes.  BOTH of you go!

INT. BLOWN-TO-FUCK ROOM 

                               IKO UWAIS
                 (reviving)
               Cough, cough.  Well at least a handful of
               us survived.  Joe, you take the healthy
               guys down that hall, and I'll push the
               terribly injured guy through this hole in
               the ceiling.

JOE TASLIM, PIERRE GRUNO, and ANOTHER COP head out but have to TAKE
COVER from MACHETE THUGS!

                           HEAD MACHETE THUG
               Hrm, I sense there may be cops nearby! 
               I'll tap my machete menacingly along this
               hallway, getting ever closer to the corner
               around which the cops MIGHT JUST be
               hiding... closer... CLOSER... now I'm
               right at the VERY EDGE... JUST HALF A STEP
               AWAY FROM LOOKING AROUND THAT CORNER...
               AND...
                                                                 CUT TO:

INT. UPSTAIRS FILTHY HALLWAY

                               IKO UWAIS
               Come on, Injured Cop, we need to find
               somewhere to hide before the Big Boss
               comes up with some devious plan to capture
               us.

                              RAY SAHETAPY
                 (over loudspeaker)
               Attention everyone!  I have just hired Iko
               Uwais as our new superintendent!  Please
               take any and all complaints directly to
               him!

                               IKO UWAIS
                 (wincing)
               Oh, fuckballs.

                            MACHETE THUG #5
                 (rushing in with dozens of other
                 machete thugs)
               ARRRRGH MY FREEZER HAS BEEN BROKEN FOR TWO
               MONTHS NOW!! WHEN IS SOMEBODY GOING TO FIX
               MY FREEZER GODDAMMIT!!!

                            MACHETE THUG #11
                 (attacking)
               ALSO THE LOBBY FURNITURE IS IN DIRE NEED
               OF REUPHOLSTERING, IT HURTS ALL OF OUR
               PROPERTY VALUES, WHAT THE FUCK MAN!!!!

                               IKO UWAIS
                 (fighting)
               Oh so you don't like the decor!  I think I
               will remodel this floor using YOUR HEAD!! 
               I SMASH EVERYTHING IN SIGHT WITH THE SIDE
               OF YOUR FUCKING HEAD!!  Because it a sign
               of SUPREME HEROISM to save an over-the-top
               violent finishing move for one arbitrary
               foe!!

IKO SILATS THE MOTHER-FUCKIN' SILAT out of the MACHETE THUGS!
                                                                 CUT TO:

INT. LOWER, JUST AS FILTHY HALLWAY

                           HEAD MACHETE THUG
                 (in exact same pose as five minutes
                 ago)
               ...AND... HERE I GO ABOUT TO TURN THIS
               CORNER... hey, I hear something upstairs!
               Let's go!

                               JOE TASLIM
               Phew!  That was TOO close, we almost had
               to fight together as a three-person unit. 
               Let's split up to avoid any risk of that
               happening again.  

INT. ELEVATOR

DONI ALAMSYAH and TWO THUGS are heading downstairs.  Suddenly DONI KILLS
the TWO THUGS!

                             DONI ALAMSYAH
               I should probably concoct some kind of
               cover story for when Boss Ray asks me why
               these guys are dead.  Or, fuck it, I
               won't.

INT. HALLWAY CONTAINING 130 GRIEVOUSLY WOUNDED OR DEAD MACHETE THUGS,
AND ALSO FILTH

IKO UWAIS is ATTACKED by the HEAD MACHETE THUG and ANOTHER FIVE DOZEN
MACHETE THUGS!

                            MACHETE THUG #37
                 (attacking)
               GRRRR MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR BLASTS HIS
               STEREO ALL DAY AND NIGHT!! WE REALLY NEED
               SOME KIND OF COMPREHENSIVE POLICY ON THIS
               SORT OF DISRUPTIVE BEHAVIOUR!!!

                            MACHETE THUG #28
               ARRGH I AM WOUNDED!  Fine, I'll sulk in
               this doorway and not even bother trying to
               fight any more.  So there.
                 (pouts)

                            MACHETE THUG #61
                 (attacking)
               AAGHAGHG I HAVE NO PARTICULAR BEEF ABOUT
               ANYTHING, I JUST WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY
               ARNIE-SCREAM FIGHT STYLE!!
               AGHAGHAAAGHAGHAHG!!!

                               IKO UWAIS
               YOU ALL DIE SUCKERS!!  Too bad for YOU
               that I already read the entire IGN
               walkthrough of this level!!  This is how I
               know EXACTLY which direction to face next
               EVEN BEFORE my next opponent reveals
               himself!!  That, and of course, Silat.

IKO ANNIHLATES the remaining MACHETE THUGS, deciding to throw the LAST
THUG AND HIMSELF out of a TWELFTH-STOREY WINDOW!!  However a FIRE ESCAPE
breaks his fall, because SILAT.

INT. YET ANOTHER RANDOM DILAPIDATED HALLWAY OF FILTH

                               IKO UWAIS
                 (woozily)
               So... woozy... from fall!  Must... find...

                             DONI ALAMSYAH
                 (appearing)
               ...your BROTHER?!!?!?!!???

                               IKO UWAIS
               GASP!  Indeed, shockingly, my own brother,
               now entrenched on the opposite side of the
               law!  When have we ever seen such
               conflicted loyalties except for Infernal
               Affairs and Desperado and every John Woo
               movie ever made and never mind.

                             DONI ALAMSYAH
               I just killed two thugs, risking my life
               and position in this gang, so that I can
               tell you I will never risk losing my
               position in this gang, so don't even ask.

                               IKO UWAIS
               But I promised our Dad I would bring you
               back.  C'MONN!!!!!!

                             DONI ALAMSYAH
               No.

                               IKO UWAIS
               Okay.  See you later.

INT. ALLEGEDLY DIFFERENT FILTHY HALLWAY BUT Y'KNOW I WOULDN'T BE
SURPRISED IF SOME OF THESE HALLWAY SETS ARE DOING DOUBLE DUTY

                              YAYAN RUHIAN
               A-ha, I have you now, Joe Tarsim!

                               JOE TARSIM
               But I have YOU in an Indonesian standoff! 
               Which is like a Mexican standoff, except
               you have a gun and I have a knife.  But
               it's still totally a stalemate, right?!

                              YAYAN RUHIAN
               Oh, I won't shoot you.  Instead we will
               fight to the death in this small
               apartment, which, like all our rooms, has
               a giant huge space cleared out in the
               centre for us to fight in.

They FIGHT!  JOE SMASHES YAYAN'S HEAD TO A PULP FORTY-TWO TIMES, but not
before YAYAN SMASHES JOE'S HEAD TO AN EVEN BLOODIER PULP SEVENTY-NINE
TIMES!!

                               JOE TASLIM
                 (weakly)
               For what it's worth, I think YOU'RE
               definitely Mad Dog.
                 (dies)

INT. BIG BOSS'S OFFICE

                              YAYAN RUHIAN
               Look, Boss Ray, I've brought you the
               corpse of the main hero cop.

                             DONI ALAMSYAH
               Nah, that ain't the guy.  You'd think if I
               was really trying to protect my brother, I
               would say "Yes, that is the guy", but I
               just cannot be bothered to put any effort
               at all into this whole warmed-over
               conflicted loyalties subplot. 

                              RAY SAHETAPY
                 (suspicious)
               What do you mean "brother", Andi?

                             DONI ALAMSYAH
               A-HA!  So I'M Andi and HE'S Mad Dog! 
               GOTCHA!  HIGH FIVE!

                              RAY SAHETAPY
               OH FUCK YOU AND YOUR HAND TOO!
                 (stabs Doni's hand)

                             DONI ALAMSYAH
               ARRGH!  Yayan, help!

                              YAYAN RUHIAN
               Why would I?  I got the cool character
               name.  Screw you.

INT. HALLWAY AND BONUS POINTS IF YOU CAN GUESS ITS DOMINANT
CHARACTERISTIC

                               IKO UWAIS
               There you are Pierre; and Other Cop, you
               survived too!  I saw Joe get dragged off,
               so it's just us left.  Except Injured Cop,
               who I left in a wall somewhere.

                               OTHER COP
               So what's our plan now?

                               IKO UWAIS
               Since our earlier plan of charging in
               blind failed catastrophically, I say we
               charge in blind!!

                               OTHER COP
               AWRIGHT!!

IKO, PIERRE, and OTHER COP BARGE into the MAIN DRUG LAB!!  FIGHT TIME!!!

                              PIERRE GRUNO
               I can't really fight, I can just throw
               heavy things!  I appreciate everyone
               accommodating this limitation of mine,
               though, and not dodging or anything.

A GUARD JUMPS onto THE LONGEST TABLE IN ALL OF INDONESIA!!!

                             DRUG GUARD #48
                 (running)
               OH BOY A REALLY LONG TABLE!! I LOVE
               RUNNING ON TABLES THIS IS THE BEST EVER
               WHEEEEEEEE!!!!

                               IKO UWAIS
               FUCK YOU, I AM THE BEST TABLE RUNNER!! I
               WILL JUMP ON THE OPPOSITE END AND RUN
               RIGHT BACK AT YOU!!!

                             DRUG GUARD #48
               ARRRGH, THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE TABLE
               RUNNER!! ANY MORE THAN THAT UNNECESSARILY
               CLUTTERS THE VISUAL DINING EXPERIENCE JUST
               ASK MARTHA STEWART YOU FUCKHEAD!!!!

They FIGHT and IKO TOTALLY CRUSHES THE GUARD'S SKULL FIFTY TIMES OVER
WITH HIS +10 TITANIUM-LACED KNEECAPS OF SKULLCRUSHING!!

                               IKO UWAIS
               Now to get the Big Boss!  Off you go guys,
               I'm right behind you!
                 (they rush off)
               Or not.

IKO instead finds a bound DONI getting BEAT UP by YAYAN!  

                              YAYAN RUHIAN
               Welcome, Iko.  It's time for our big Silat
               battle.  First, though, feel free to untie
               your brother so he can help you.  Thirsty?
                I've got Vitamin Water if you'd like
               some.  Maybe a quick massage and steam
               bath before we begin?

                               IKO UWAIS
               Why are you being so helpful?

                              YAYAN RUHIAN
               I thought I would mix things up a bit and
               give the VILLAIN progressively more
               difficult challenges, instead of the hero,
               as is usually the case.

They FIGHT and BEAT SO MUCH EVER-LOVIN' CRAP OUT OF EACH OTHER that
YAYAN getting STABBED IN THE NECK with BROKEN GLASS is just a SAVE
CHECKPOINT.  Finally IKO and DONI WIN!

INT. FILTHWAY WITH TINY SPOTS OF HALL

                               IKO UWAIS
               Phew, that was one exhausting fight.  And
               there's still the Big Boss left to defeat,
               so there must be even more awesomeness in
               store!

                              PIERRE GRUNO
                 (appearing)
               Actually, I'M evil too...

                               IKO UWAIS
               Woah, TWO more villains!?  This'll be some
               showdown! 

                              PIERRE GRUNO
               ... and I just shot Ray Sahetapy dead, and
               I'm surrendering.

                               IKO UWAIS
               Oh.  That's kind of a letdown.  But we
               still have to fight our way out, right?

                             DONI ALAMSYAH
               Not really.  I'm in charge now, and all
               the machete thugs are dead anyway.  It's
               all over.

                               IKO UWAIS
               Oh.
                 (pause)
               But, wait, what about the "redemption" in
               the title?  Who got redeemed?

                             DONI ALAMSYAH
               Well, I'm going back to a life of crime
               and drugs, so it's not me.

                               IKO UWAIS
               And I'm exactly as heroic as when I got
               here.  Plus, I'm leaving without
               fulfilling the one promise I made at the
               beginning, which was to bring you back
               with me.

                              PIERRE GRUNO
               Dude, it's just a word they added to the
               title for copyright reasons.  Don't sweat
               it.  Besides, it could come in handy if
               the producers follow through on their
               plans to turn this into a trilogy.

                               IKO UWAIS
               Trilogy? Well I guess as long as they
               don't call the next ones "Reloaded" and
               "Revolutions" we should be OK.

END

Christopher Plummer's annual prostate exam had come at a bad time.

FADE IN:

EXT. LONDON

We are introduced to a TRAVELING THEATER TROUPE, who clearly do not know
how to handle DRUNKS, which makes their setting up in front of a
NIGHTCLUB a little suspect. 

                            ANDREW GARFIELD
               Greetings, one and all! Allow me to
               introduce the members of our humble
               company.

                          CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER
               Hello. I'll be taking periodic breaks from
               acting to remind everyone that I would've
               made a much better Dumbledore than Michael
               Gambon.

                               LILY COLE
               And I'm supposed to be his 15 year old
               daughter. Good luck explaining those
               erections to your girlfriends, guys.

                              VERNE TROYER
               Hi, I'm playing a dwarf who can't act.

                             COLIN FARRELL
               They're filmin' midgets!

                              VERNE TROYER
               Shut up, you're not in this till later.

                               TOM WAITS
               And, in the casting decision of the
               century, I will be playing the Devil.

He leaves to GARGLE a LITER of HAMMERITE PAINT.

INT. CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER'S QUARTERS

LILY is pining for a REAL HOME that isn't pulled by a HORSE. CHRISTOPHER
decides to cheer her up.

                          CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER
               Come here, dear. I must tell you the story
               of how I sold you into slavery.

                               LILY COLE
               Sounds great.

                          CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER
               It all started thousands of years ago,
               when I looked exactly the same as I do
               now, but without the beard. I made a deal
               with the Devil, someone who none of us
               should ever hope to meet.

                               LILY COLE
               I dunno, man. If I met Tom Waits, I'd be
               pretty psyched. But okay, you made a deal
               with the Devil. So it's like Faust?

                          CHRISTOHPER PLUMMER
               Yes, but on lots and lots of drugs.
               Anyway, he granted me immortality. He even
               helped me win the love of your mother, for
               a time.

                               LILY COLE
               How long?

                          CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER
               About fifteen minutes, if you know what I
               -

                               LILY COLE
               Hold on, I think we've arrived at the
               first plot point.

EXT. SOME BRIDGE

The TROUPE STOPS after spotting a SHADOW on the WATER, which, for some
reason, makes ANDREW temporarily go FULL RETARD.

                            ANDREW GARFIELD
               Look, there's someone dancing on the
               river!

                               LILY COLE
               ...Really? Aren't you supposed to be the
               voice of reason?

                            ANDREW GARFIELD
               No, that would be Verne Troyer.

                               LILY COLE
               God help us all. 

They rescue HEATH LEDGER, who was HANGING beneath the BRIDGE, with
MARKINGS on his forehead that will go COMPLETELY UNEXPLAINED. 

                            ANDREW GARFIELD
               So, does anyone know CPR?

                               LILY COLE
               I don't think so. What should we do
               instead?

                            ANDREW GARFIELD
               Throw him in a box and leave him
               overnight?

                               LILY COLE
               Sounds about right.

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS.

EXT. RUNDOWN FACTORY 

HEATH LEDGER wakes up, understandably confused.

                              HEATH LEDGER
               Um…help?

                               LILY COLE
               Oh hey, you're still alive.

                              VERNE TROYER
               Who knew putting a metal pipe down your
               throat prevented compression of the
               jugular veins?

                            ANDREW GARFIELD
               Who are you?

                              HEATH LEDGER
               The only note in my script says that my
               accent should be different for every line.
               

                               LILY COLE
               You're doing a good job so far. Want to
               join us?

                              HEATH LEDGER
               What is it you guys actually do?

                               LILY COLE
               Well, we put on a stage show to entice
               people into going through this mirror,
               which leads them into Christopher
               Plummer's mind, where they can choose
               between the pleasures of the flesh or
               spiritual enlightenment, hopefully tipping
               the cosmic scales in Christopher's favor
               so that he can win a bet he made with Tom
               Waits. Or something.

                              HEATH LEDGER
               Sounds perfectly normal. Hey, how about I
               lie to the public for you to raise money
               on fraudulent pretenses?
                 (pause)
               Not that I'm good at that or anything.

Somewhere in the midst of all this, TERRY GILLIAM is trying frantically
to cover the GAPS that HEATH left in the footage when he DIED.

                          HEATH LEDGER'S GHOST
               Nonsensical animations can't save you now,
               my friend.

                             TERRY GILLIAM
               Well goddammit, I'm going to try
               regardless. Maybe the audience will be
               distracted by all the pretty colors.
               Besides, I have a computer now.

                          HEATH LEDGER'S GHOST
               Yet somehow those cardboard cutouts you
               used to do were more convincing. 

                             TERRY GILLIAM
                 (sadly)
               I know. But look, I can totally pull this
               off and make it look smooth without doing
               anything contrived or obvious. 

HEATH wears a MASK for most of the rest of the movie.

                          HEATH LEDGER'S GHOST
               By the way, I never asked you, how did you
               come up with the title?

                             TERRY GILLIAM
               Well, I thought "The Trippy Acid Fantasies
               of an Old Drunk" was too forward.

INT. FANCY SHOPPING MALL

The TROUPE has redesigned their STAGE, under the guidance of HEATH, to
attract a more UPMARKET CLIENTELE. 

                              VERNE TROYER
               Blackface, transvestitism, underage
               nudity, Heath Ledger and a shitton of
               fruit: welcome to the mind of Sir
               Christopher Plummer! 

                              HEATH LEDGER
               Come, ladies, all you must do is step
               through the mirror to experience the magic
               of the Imaginarium!

                              MAGGIE STEED
               You mean we don't have to spend three
               hours singing in an airship first?

HEATH leads MAGGIE into the IMAGINARIUM, where he turns into JOHNNY
DEPP.

                              JOHNNY DEPP
               And now we know what Maggie Steed's ideal
               man looks like. Awkward.

                              MAGGIE STEED
               Oh my, it's Johnny Depp. Throw in a boat
               ride and I'll give you all the money I
               own. 

                              JOHNNY DEPP
               Done and done. 

JOHNNY steals the old lady's EARRINGS for good measure.

                              JOHNNY DEPP
               I'm having the strangest sense of deja vu.
               

MAGGIE emerges from the IMAGINARIUM, in RAPTUROUS BLISS, and women begin
clamoring to enter. CHRISTOPHER stands still amidst the MAYHEM, as it's
obvious by now that he's on enough LSD to put HUNTER S. THOMPSON into a
COMA.

                            ANDREW GARFIELD
               The unbridled satisfaction and contentment
               of all these women doesn't have sexual
               connotations at all.

                               LILY COLE
               Don't think too hard, or you'll realize
               it's all taking place inside an old man's
               mind. 

                            ANDREW GARFIELD
               Thanks for that. 

Unfortunately, some RUSSIAN MOBSTERS recognize HEATH and chase him
through the MIRROR. 

                              VERNE TROYER
               Russian villains, huh? There's a new one.
               I guess Terry used up his originality
               quota on all the unconvincing CGI. 

HEATH turns into JUDE LAW this time.

                                JUDE LAW
               Apparently I'm the dream man of the
               Russian underworld.

The THUGS chase JUDE around for a bit as CGI STUFF HAPPENS, finally
cornering him. Fortunately, ANDREW comes to the rescue and summons a
squad of TRANSVESTITE POLICEMEN.

                             RUSSIAN THUG 2
               Piz'da! A combination of law enforcement
               and homoerotic undertones! The natural
               enemy of all Russians!

                               TOM WAITS
               It's alright, guys. You can help me gather
               wood to stoke the industrial furnace that
               is my chest.

                            ANDREW GARFIELD
               Oh hey, Tom Waits, where have you been?

                               TOM WAITS
               Getting my Giant Robotic Babushka license,
               why?

EXT. RUNDOWN FACTORY

ANDREW and HEATH emerge from the IMAGINARIUM safely. ANDREW finds an
article in The Mirror (GET IT?) about how much of a SCUMBAG HEATH is.

                            ANDREW GARFIELD
               Guys, check this out. Heath is actually
               kind of an asshole.

                              VERNE TROYER
               Wait, Heath, you're a bad guy? I thought
               Tom Waits was the bad guy?

                              HEATH LEDGER
               Well, you know, good and bad are ambiguous
               concepts in this movie and all that.

                              VERNE TROYER
               Ehh, not really. I mean, Christopher made
               a deal with the Devil. It doesn't get much
               more unambiguous than that.

                              HEATH LEDGER
               Look, I'm going to complete the Scruffy
               Mustache & Goatee Trilogy, and none of you
               can stop me!

HEATH grabs LILY and fucks off into the IMAGINARIUM, where he turns into
COLIN FARRELL. 

                               LILY COLE
               My dream man!

Everyone in the AUDIENCE with GOOD TASTE cringes.

                             COLIN FARRELL
               How about we combine two of the Lonely
               Island's most popular singles and have sex
               on a boat?

                            ANDREW GARFIELD
               Colin, you sick bastard, she's only
               fifteen.

                              VERNE TROYER
               Again, this is all happening in an old
               man's mind. An old man who is her father.
               Terry Gilliam, what the actual fuck.

Another DREAM SEQUENCE OR WHATEVER occurs.

                            ANDREW GARFIELD
               How are we supposed to feel any sense of
               suspense if the rules of this imagination
               world are never explained?

                             TERRY GILLIAM
               It's whimsical fantasy, I don't have to
               spell it all out for you.

                            ANDREW GARFIELD
               I'm just saying, all these sequences of
               people falling from things and nearly
               dying would have a lot more impact if we
               knew that they actually meant anything. 

The DREAM SEQUENCE OR WHATEVER culminates in LILY surrendering to TOM,
allowing him to WIN the BET. 

                               LILY COLE
               Who decided the Devil's weakness was
               betting, anyway? I should've just hidden
               behind a slot machine. 

                               TOM WAITS
                 (sadly)
               I can't even set foot in Vegas.

                               LILY COLE
               Like they're not all headed straight to
               you regardless.

                               TOM WAITS
               Good point. You know what, I should've
               remembered how collecting souls is like
               collecting anything else: once you've got
               everything you want, you kinda lose
               interest. How about this, Von Trapp: you
               give me Heath, and I'll give you Lily
               back.

                          CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER
               That doesn't even make sense, but you've
               got a deal.

                               TOM WAITS
               Well, it's been a pleasure doing business
               with you. The Game.

He LAUGHS, and heads home to eat a bowl of HOT GRAVEL.

                          CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER
               So, all that remains is to exit the
               Imaginarium and be reunited with my happy
               family, free of the weight that's been on
               my shoulders for the last 16 years.

                             TERRY GILLIAM
               Lol, not so fast.

Lots of STUFF happens that MAKES NO SENSE.

                          CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER
               Could you just please tell me what the
               fuck is going on? Spin a top, or knock
               over a chess piece or something.

                             TERRY GILLIAM
               WHIMSICAL. FANTASY.

CHRISTOPHER eventually finds VERNE outside a RESTAURANT, where LILY and
ANDREW are eating, apparently MARRIED with a CHILD.

                          CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER
               So what is this, a hallucination, a
               fantasy, a dream, another dimension, what?

                              VERNE TROYER
               I don't know. And I don't think Terry does
               either. 

                          CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER
               So this is the ending?

                              VERNE TROYER
               Yeah, pretty much.

                          CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER
               Well fuck me sideways.

END.

Yup. This is accurate.

FADE IN:

INT. MOVIE THEATER- OUTSIDE AUDITORIUM

HUNDREDS of CATTLE, stand outside the theater, waiting for ADAM
SANDLER'S new movie: Jack and Jill.

                          FANS OF ADAM SANDLER
               Adam. Sandler. Adam Sandler. Adam.
               Sandler. Sandler. Adam. Adam Sandler.

An usher walks out of the theater. He has no eyes, and yet he stares at
the duo, piercing their souls.

                                 USHER
               The theater. Is empty. You may... now
               enter. Please. Ignore the remains.

                          FANS OF ADAM SANDLER
                 (rushing into theater)
               Adam Sandler! Adam Sandler! Adam! Sandler!
               Sandler! Adam!

INT. AUDITORIUM 

THE DRONES enter. The entire theater is empty. The silver screen bears
the words "ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER."

We sees the remaining horror from the previous screening. Hundreds of
people are stuck to the ceiling. Their skin is peeled off. They squirm
with their mouths open, seemingly trying to scream in horror and
uninmaginable pain.

But they can't, all that comes out is an unending silence. Maggots crawl
all over them and out of every orifice. The parts of the ceiling that
isn't covered with the bodies of the patrons feature their rotting
intestines, spilling blood all over the ceiling. Gravity seems to have
shifted, as none of the remains of the previous patrons has fallen.

A bright fire consumes the ceiling and is pulled into the silver screen.
The remains are gone. THE DRONES sit down. 

The lights go down, and the film starts.

INT. SOME HALF ASSED STUDIO

We're introduced to a bunch of real life twins, to introduce the fact
that this film is about twins. BECAUSE EVERYONE WHO WATCHED THE TRAILER
IS AN IMBECILE AND CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS FILM IS ABOUT.

                                TWINS #1
               Hey guys! We're twins!

                                TWINS #2
               YES WE'RE TWINS! TWINSY TWINS! LISTEN TO
               OUR LIFE STORY!

                                TWINS #3
               IDENTICAL TWINS! CAN'T YOU TELL?! ISN'T
               THAT WACKY?!

                            ALL OF THE TWINS
               TWIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNSSSSS

This brief and useless part is over, but the people involved will never
be able to live down the shame from merely appearing in this film for
five seconds.

INT. COMMERCIAL STUDIO

ADAM SANDLER is directing a commercial for Pepto Bismal with REGIS
PHILBIN as the sponsor, DANA CARVEY as a puppeteer, TIM MEADOWS as a
fellow worker with SANDLER, and NICK SWARDSON as Sandler's assistant.

                             NICK SWARDSON
               Holy five second cameos, Sandlerman!

                              ADAM SANDLER
               Alright, let's get everything out of the
               way. I'm a commercial director, Dunkin
               Donuts wants me to do a commercial for
               them starring Al Pacino because they have
               a new thing called Dunkachino which sounds
               like Pacino, and my annoying identical
               sister is coming for Thanksgiving like she
               does every year.

                             NICK SWARDSON
               Wow. This scene had all that information
               in like the span of the minute. It's like
               we're actually trying to spare the
               audience from enduring this movie for a
               long time.

                              ADAM SANDLER
               It won't matter. 30 minutes of this movie
               feels like watching all of Gone with the
               Wind at a frame per second.

INT. AIRPORT

ADAM SANDLER goes to pick up his identical sister, DRAGGY SANDLER.
DRAGGY SANDLER is played off as extremely obnoxious and annoying.

                              ADAM SANDLER
               Heyyyyyyy sister.

                             DRAGGY SANDLER
                 (sound of an alarm clock)
               OH MY FUCKING GOD ADAM! THANK GAWD! THAT
               FLIGHT WUZ TEWWIBLE!

                              ADAM SANDLER
               Wow. It really hurts to watch me be that
               annoying.

                                AUDIENCE
               Imagine how we feel.

                              ADAM SANDLER
               Well it could be worse. I could have
               another role in the film that's just as
               annoying.

                             DRAGGY SANDLER
                 (sound of Gilbert Gottfried imitating
                 this voice)
               OH BUY THA WAY! HERE'S MY PET BIRD!

                             BIRDY SANDLER
               I'M A FUCKING BIRD!

INT. THANKSGIVING TABLE

ADAM SANDLER, DRAGGY SANDLER, A couple of ADAM SANDLER'S FRIENDS, his
MOVIE DAUGHTER, his ADOPTED INDIAN SLUMDOG LOVECHILD, and KATIE HOLMES
as Sandler's movie wife sit down for Thanksgiving dinner.

                           FRIEND OF SANDLER
               JESUS CHRIST? KATIE HOLMES? Even YOU are
               above this shit. Why the fuck are you
               here?

                              KATIE HOLMES
                 (drugged out of her mind)
               Tom. Tom told me. To do it. Need. Need
               more money. For Xenu.

DRAGGY SANDLER talks VERY LOUDLY and makes MORONIC COMMENTS to further
establish the point that she is ANNOYING AND STUPID.

                             DRAGGY SANDLER
                 (sound of a thousand sonic
                 screwdrivers amplified)
               OH MAYH GAWD DID YOU GUYS KNOW WE'RE
               IDENTICAL TWINS?! ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL!
               LOOK AT US, WE'RE TWINS!!

                              ADAM SANDLER
               I fucking hate you.

                              KATIE HOLMES
                 (starting to overdose)
               Adam. Adam that's not. Not nice. You. You
               should. Apologize.

                              ADAM SANDLER
               Wait a minute, Why? She's an annoying
               bitch, clearly stupid, and shouldn't even
               be allowed out and about in public! I
               mean, nobody is that stupid!

                         ADOPTED INDIAN SLUMDOG
                               LOVECHILD
               According to my calculations, an estimated
               ticket count of 9,430,100 people were
               stupid enough to pay to see this film.

                              ADAM SANDLER
               You're not being stereotypical enough.

                         ADOPTED INDIAN SLUMDOG
                               LOVECHILD
               Oh. BEEF JERKEY IS GOOD AND I DRIVE CABS.

                             DRAGGY SANDLER
                 (sound of a bunch of vuvuzelas being
                 played by crying toddlers)
               WHATEVER!!!!! ADAM YOU MAKE ME SAD!!! I'M
               GOING TO STAYYYY!

DRAGGY SANDLER decides to stay until ADAM and his FAMILY go on a cruise
on New Year's, much to the dismay of ADAM and the AUDIENCE.

EXT. CALIFORNIA

DRAGGY SANDLER, ADAM SANDLER, and the family decide to go around and do
everything DRAGGY wants to do. This includes going to a costume store,
embarassing herself on THE PRICE IS RIGHT (and managing to bring DREW
CAREY down with her), and riding a PONY.

                              ADAM SANDLER
               Well at least nothing can go wrong with
               her riding a pony.

                             DRAGGY SANDLER
                 (sound of a Twilight midnight
                 screening)
               BUT YOU FORGET SANDLER! I AM FAT!

The implied massive weight of DRAGGY causes the horse to plummet to the
ground. This is supposed to be funny.

                         ADOPTED INDIAN SLUMDOG
                               LOVECHILD
               The audience does realize they're going to
               have to kill the pony because it's legs
               are now broken, right? This is actually
               pretty dark.

Finally, they go to the movies, and ADAM SANDLER realizes he's just like
DRAGGY SANDLER.

                              KATIE HOLMES
                 (foaming at the mouth)
               Oh. Does that mean. The movie. Is almost.
               Over?

                              ADAM SANDLER
               Nope. This scene meant absolutely nothing.
               The movie still has another hour.

INT. SANDLER HOUSE

ADAM SANDLER sits down with himself.

                              ADAM SANDLER
               I must find my sister a man so she can
               leave me alone. I got it! I'll set her up
               a date using Craigslist to get her
               somebody! Although for some reason, we'll
               play this off as me being immoral.

He sets up the post, with his ADOPTED INDIAN SLUMDOG LOVECHILD catching
him in the act. DRAGGY gets a date.

                             DRAGGY SANDLER
                 (sound of a Dell computer trying to
                 kill itself)
               OH MY GAWD! I GOT A DATE ISN'T THAT
               LOVELY! I WONDER WHAT I'M GOING TO WEAR!

                         ADOPTED INDIAN SLUMDOG
                               LOVECHILD
                 (to Adam, actual line)
               I know what you're going to wear. IN HELL.

                              ADAM SANDLER
               Fuck. That was actually scary. Maybe it'll
               have me force to deal with some sort of
               dilemma.

                         ADOPTED INDIAN SLUMDOG
                               LOVECHILD
               No. This sequence means nothing too.

DRAGGY'S date shows up. It is a cameo that should absolutely be ashamed
of himself, even if he's been doing this over and over for SANDLER.
That's right, NORM MACDONALD is in this.

                             NORM MACDONALD
               Eh, all right let me get this shit over
               with.

DRAGGY SANDLER comes down the stairs to meet NORM.

                             DRAGGY SANDLER
                 (sound of dubstep being played through
                 a microphone getting feedback)
               OH MAY GAWD MY DATE IS NORM MACDONALD!

NORM finally realizes the HELL PIT he's found himself in. He skips the
date. He should have committed suicide.

                             DRAGGY SANDLER
                 (sound of a million Chihuahuas
                 barking)
               WAAAH!!! ADAM! NO ONE LIKES ME!!!! I'LL
               NEVER GET A DAAAAAAATE!!! WHY CAN'T I JUST
               DATE YOU!!!

                         ADOPTED INDIAN SLUMDOG
                               LOVECHILD
               Did we really just have a straight up
               incest reference in a PG-13 film for kids?
               And they won't let Shame get an R rating?
               Fuck this shit.

                              ADAM SANDLER
               Fine Draggy. You can go to the LAKERS game
               with me.

                             DRAGGY SANDLER
                 (sound of every KIDZ BOP CD being
                 played at the same time)
               REALLY ADAM?! THAT'S SO NICE OF YOU!

INT. CGI LAKERS GAME (YES YOU READ THAT RIGHT)

ADAM and DRAGGY show up at an obviously greenscreened arena. Across the
way they spot AL PACINO sitting down next to JOHNNY DEPP.

                               AL PACINO
               Johnny?! What are you doing here?

                              JOHNNY DEPP
               Hey! What? Sorry. I'm high off my ass.

                               AL PACINO
               You and Katie have the right idea.

                              ADAM SANDLER
               Hey! Al! Please can I talk to you about my
               commercial that I want you to do?

                               AL PACINO
               Yeah, whatever. I don't really want to do
               it.

AL PACINO takes a look at DRAGGY SANDLER and falls in MOVIE LOVE.

                               AL PACINO
               Yeah, Ok. I'll think about it, but GOD
               DAMN YOUR SISTER IS HOT.

                              ADAM SANDLER
               That really doesn't sound too convincing.

                               AL PACINO
                 (whispering)
               Please kill me.
               INT. RESTAURANT

ADAM'S friends throw him and DRAGGY a birthday party. At the party, is
AL PACINO, who totally tries to nail DRAGGY.

                               AL PACINO
               I must say YOU ARE HOT.

                             DRAGGY SANDLER
                 (the sound of a cat peeling its eye
                 out)
               Yeah, I'm not really attracted to you.

                               AL PACINO
               You would think I'd be able to take a
               hint. Instead, I WILL TRY TO WOO YOU. Come
               back to my house with me.

They do. They decide to play golf inside PACINO's house. During this,
DRAGGY accidentally breaks PACINO's Oscar. This is probably the greatest
unintentional metaphor ever.

INT. SANDLER HOUSE

Back at the Sandler House, DRAGGY meets WALKING MEXICAN STEREOTYPE, who
is the GARDENER for ADAM SANDLER.

                            WALKING MEXICAN
                               STEREOTYPE
               Heeeeyyyyy Draggy! I think you're really
               ugly. JUST KIDDING! Oh fuck. There is no
               possible way I can make this more
               offensive.

                             DRAGGY SANDLER
                 (sound of nails on a chalkboard with
                 skin peeling off)
               WELL WE COULD GO TO THAT MEXICAN FAMLY
               REUNION YOU'RE HAVING WHERE WE CAN EAT
               CHILIS AND TACOS, BEAT A PINATA, AND DANCE
               TO MARIACHI MUSIC WITH ALL YOUR FAMILY
               THAT IS APPROPRIATELY NAMED EITHER, JUAN, 
               JUANITA, OR JOSE.

And they do. Later, AL PACINO arrives at the house.

                               AL PACINO
               WHERE'S DRAGGY?!

                              ADAM SANDLER
               Absolutely not here.

                               AL PACINO
               WELL I'M GOING TO BUST IN HERE AND LOOK
               FOR HER BECAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE LYING.

                              ADAM SANDLER
               I'm pretty sure that's illegal. And that
               you're breaking and entering.

                               AL PACINO
               It doesn't matter. I wanna FUUUCK! YOUR
               SISTER!

                              ADAM SANDLER
               You know, I could take this as an
               opportunity to blackmail you into being in
               my commercial or else I'll file a
               restraining order, but we need to DRAG
               this out! Heh, Get it?! DRAG!

                                AUDIENCE
               Fuck you.

AL leaves, and DRAGGY comes back upset.

                             DRAGGY SANDLER
                 (the sound of squirrels being forced
                 to fuck with spikes in their
                 genitalia)
               ADAM! IT'S NOT FAIR! I SCREWED UP MY DATE
               BECAUSE I NEEDED TO SHIT AFTER ALL THAT
               MEXICAN FOOD!! I'M SO UPSET!

                              ADAM SANDLER
               Fine. You can come on the family cruise
               with us to Europe.

DRAGGY cheers. The AUDIENCE jeers. They wish they had a few beers,
instead of having to wait for the film to end on New Years.

EXT. CRUISE

On the cruise with his family and DRAGGY. ADAM calls AL so he can do his
commercial.

                              ADAM SANDLER
               Look Al, you must do my commercial.

                               AL PACINO
               Only if I can Pacino your Sandler.

                              ADAM SANDLER
               Fuck. I can't get my sister to nail Pacino
               because she doesn't like him.

The AUDIENCE prays he doesn't do what they know he's going to do.

                              ADAM SANDLER
                 (imitating the sound of cell phone
                 interference)
               SURE AL, I'LL DEFINITELY GO OUT WITH YOU.

AL PACINO picks up ADAM SANDLER, who is dressed as DRAGGY, who is really
ADAM SANDLER IN DRAG playing the TWIN of HIMSELF, who is not interested
in AL PACINO, but ADAM SANDLER in the disguise of DRAGGY SANDLER will
pretend SHE/HE is interested in AL PACINO.

INT. AL PACINO'S EUROPEAN GETAWAY HOUSE

AL puts the moves on ADAM PLAYING DRAGGY. The date goes on "perfectly."

                               AL PACINO
               You're so fine. Oh by the way your brother
               sucks. He's a talentless hack and a con
               man.

                              ADAM SANDLER
                 (imitating the room of the foley
                 artist for Transformers 3)
               Is that really the thing you want to say
               to the sister of the guy you're insulting,
               WHO YOU ARE TRYING TO NAIL.

                               AL PACINO
               Oh no. I was talking about Adam Sandler
               himself.

                              ADAM SANDLER
               NOOOOOOOOOOO!

ADAM SANDLER reenacts THE WATERBOY on AL PACINO. Suddenly he has an
epiphany.

                              ADAM SANDLER
               Oh no! I've been mean to my sister for all
               of our lives! I should go apologize.

INT. CRUISE

ADAM SANDLER arrives back on the cruise to find DRAGGY, but she is
nowhere to be found. KATIE and the family find ADAM still in drag.

                              KATIE HOLMES
                 (nose bleeding)
               Oh. That's why. She left. And went. Home.
               To California. You were impersonating her.
               For. Your own. Gain.

                              ADAM SANDLER
               Wait a minute. She left the fucking
               cruise? WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
               FUCKING OCEAN!

INT. BAR IN CALIFORNIA

DRAGGY is spending NEW YEAR'S alone at a bar with other friends that
includes BRUCE JENNER, JOHN MCENROE, and DAVID SPADE IN DRAG.

                             NICK SWARDSON
               Were these people blackmailed?

                             DRAGGY SANDLER
                 (sound of an angry castrato playing
                 Xbox Live)
               WAAAAAH!!! I'M SO ALONE ON NEW YEARS!

                              ADAM SANDLER
               Not so fast! And time for the ending
               speech!

ADAM takes out a note.

                              ADAM SANDLER
               You know, I learned something tod-

                         ADOPTED INDIAN SLUMDOG
                               LOVECHILD
               FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING SACRED JUST END
               THIS FUCKING SHIT ALREADY.

                              ADAM SANDLER
               Alright. Let's be identical twins again,
               Draggy.

                         ADOPTED INDIAN SLUMDOG
                               LOVECHILD
               You're not identical twins if you're the
               different genders dumbass.

                              ADAM SANDLER
               Go drown in a pile of rupees.

                            WALKING MEXICAN
                               STEREOTYPE
               And you can taco me so you're not alone
               for the rest of your burrito!

                             DRAGGY SANDLER
                 (sound of Fran Drescher getting an
                 orgasm)
               WOW! THANKS GUYS! YOU'RE THE BEST!

                               AL PACINO
               And I'll do your commercial Adam.

He does.

                               AL PACINO
               That was terrible. Burn it.

                              ADAM SANDLER
               What? It's a simple little commercial.

                               AL PACINO
               I don't mean the commercial. I mean this
               film. Burn it. Please save what litte of
               my reputation is left.

                              ADAM SANDLER
               You want to save your reputation? From the
               guy who was in 88 Minutes, Righteous Kill,
               and Gigli? Yeah right.

END