Here are questions I actually get asked, and their answers.

Are you the guy that writes the Abridged Scripts for Total Film Magazine?

Yeah, that’s me. I’ve been running the site since 1998, and Total Film saw it and hired me to do monthly super-short abridgements for them. Those are generally shorter, different versions of the scripts on the site.

This one movie I saw totally sucked ass, please make fun of it.

Maybe. Sometimes movies are so overwhelmingly shitty that there’s little point in writing abridged scripts for them. I don’t think anyone expects, for example, an Olsen Twin movie to be any good, so why bother saying it isn’t? Of course it isn’t. It cost five bucks to make and took two days of shooting.

I sent you an e-mail and you never replied. You’re a dick.

Yeah, sometimes I don’t have much to say other than ‘Thanks d00d’ or something equally idiotic. I try to reply if I can, but sometimes I don’t. Trust me, I read it, and I was very appreciative.

I’m looking for the full-length script to so-and-so. Can you direct me where to find it?

Check up your ass. Do Not Ask Me For Full-Length Screenplays. If you’re too dense to figure out I don’t have anything to do with them, I can only hope you never breed. If you ask me to find some script for you, expect a nasty reply or (more likely) none at all. So don’t waste your time.

I’d like to perform one or more of your scripts for a program at my school. Can I?

It’s actually pretty funny how often I get asked this. I guess since the scripts are mostly dialog, they’re ideal for short drama scenes in schools where teachers don’t mind kids saying stuff like “asshat” and “cockmonkey”. Anyway, the answer is yes, go ahead. Please e-mail me and let me know, but you don’t have to wait for an answer to start (I just like to know). If you want to perform a script (or many scripts) for either noncommercial or educational purposes, feel free to go right ahead and do it. That means your local improv group, school drama club, college speech class, whatever. If you aren’t doing it for school AND you’re charging money, e-mail me and ask (I’ll still probably say yes). And yes, if you need to remove swear words or change the names back to the character names from the movie, go right ahead.

Here is all you have to do in return: first of all, credit me somewhere. Written by Rod Hilton, based on work by Rod Hilton, inspired by the internet ramblings of Rod Hilton. Whatever. Just put my name somewhere. If you want to print my URL, that’d be swell too. What I’d really like is a scan of the program, or a digital video of the performance, or an MP3, or something. This isn’t for legal reasons, I just get a real kick out of seeing people act this stuff out. You can, of course, feel free to ignore that request. Definitely do the name thing, though. Bonus: if you do record it, I’ll post it on the site and link to your page if you let me know.

I want to mirror your stuff. Do you mind?

If you want, feel free to nab one or two of them and link to me (also, please keep the byline). To be honest, I’d rather you just link to the script itself on my site.

I’ll make a link to you if you make a link to me.

I really hate the barter-link bullshit webmasters get into. If you like my site, link to me. By the same token, if you let me know of your own site and I think my visitors would like it, I’ll link. If I feel like updating the links. Which I won’t.

And the most frequently asked question is…

The rating on each script, is that the rating of the movie or the rating of the abridged script?

People, look, I know I’m a jackass, but I hope I’ll never be such a jackass as to rate my own work. Those are for the movies, not the scripts. All of the scripts are shit.

Here is a list of questions I never get asked. I expect to get asked them, so I will answer them here as well as provide the fake answers.

What the hell are abridged scripts?

A movie shortened to a few pages and written in screenplay format. The purpose is to save you time so you don’t have to see the movie but can still talk about it to your friends, co-workers, and mistresses.

Why do you hate all movies?

All movies suck.

Seriously, you can’t hate all movies, can you?

Sure I can. Watch. See, I’m hating them all right now. It’s quite easy.

Do you write all of the scripts?

I write most of them. Sometimes other people send me scripts they wrote. I try not to accept submissions anymore, for a number of boring reasons.

Do you only write these things for new movies?

I kinda write them for whatever movie I see and want to review. Sometimes I write a script for a movie if enough people bug me to write it.

Why’d you get the ending all wrong in this script?

I’m an asshole.

When do you update?

Whenever I get around to it. I do have a life, you know. Okay, not really, but I like to do other things on my computer than work on my web site. You should definitely check every single day and rack up hits for me to make sure you don’t miss an update.

How come sometimes I’ll check your site and it’s covered in PHP errors?

Against the better judgment of experience, I do my php writing and testing live in the site. Most of those errors will be fixed, so don’t e-mail me, please.

Got it, don’t tell you about php errors… what about typos?

Please tell me about typos. I am the worst proofreader alive.

Your site looks terrible in my favorite web browser.

Your favorite browser sucks. Get a real one.

Did Leonard Maltin really write that “Message From Maltin”?

Uh… yes.

You know, you criticize Maltin and others for rating movies in bizarre and apparently random ways, but your ratings are even worse.

Yeah. I’m a hypocrite. That’s not going to be a problem, is it?

My child recently saw a PG movie. S/he Googled the name and found your abridged script, but it was filled with sexual innuendo, cursing, etc. Why don’t your scripts reflect the MPAA rating of the film they’re for?

I hate your children, and I secretly hope that seeing a swear word or boob joke will send them over the edge, into homicidal maniac territory.

That’s pretty irresponsible of you.

Blow me.

How rude!

Sorry. Please blow me, madam.

You already said you suck at proofreading, but some of these errors you make are fifth-grade level. Do you even attempt to spell-check the stuff you write?

Mo. Not Isually.

That was a stupid joke.

Shut up.

Seriously, did you think it was funny? I mean, come on.. I ask you if you proofread, and you make grammatical and spelling errors. Oh, ha ha.

Fuck you, this is my FAQ and I can write whatever I want.

Why are you arguing with yourself then?

Good question.

This FAQ is too long, you know. Nobody’s going to actually read it.

Yeah, you’re probably right. I can say whatever I want here, I suppose, since nobody is reading it. PEOPLE WHO ARE DIFFERENT THAN ME SHOULD DIE!

Actually, people are probably going to scroll to the bottom just to see how long it is, so they most likely will read that.

Fuck.