Kids today don't appreciate just how far video game controllers have come since the 90s.


Kids today don't appreciate just how far video game controllers have come since the 90s.

EXISTENZ

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. UNINTERESTING ROOM

DAVID CRONENBERG is sitting at a table.

DAVID CRONENBERG

Hi, I'm David Cronenberg. The last film that I both wrote and directed was Videodrome, and what I've done here is to basically do the same movie, but much more pretentiously and without all those messy details that made it good. Hopefully, this will make me a more Respectable Director. Well, here goes nothing.

(pause)

I hope that last sentence doesn't come back to bite me in an ironic fashion.

INT. ANOTHER DULL ROOM

JUDE LAW

Hello, famous virtual reality game designer, tell me about your new game please. I'm sure it will be awesome since it puts capital letters in places they're not supposed to be.

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

My new game that I have designed is indeed the most incredible game ever. People will kill, and have killed, over this marvellous game.

JUDE LAW

In that case we should try this astonishing new game and revel in the delights and wonderment that will surely follow as we play the game.

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

Truly we should, for this game makes heroin feel like last month's cottage cheese.

They plug into JENNIFER JASON LEIGH's new game called eXistenZ, which is based on VIRTUAL REALITY and is therefore very DEEP and METAPHORICAL.

INT. A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT DULL ROOM

JUDE LAW

Wow, this is something else.

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

Yes, it's as though we're in a whole new dull room, can you believe it.

JUDE LAW

It's just so dull and yet in a whole new way.

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

The next stage of this fucking cocktacular game is to do something mildly gross with my own flesh.

AUDIENCE WHO HAVE NEVER SEEN ANY DAVID CRONENBERG MOVIES

Yuck! How daring and far out!

AUDIENCE WHO HAVE SEEN AT LEAST ONE DAVID CRONENBERG MOVIE

Hey, that was in the other movie of his I saw.

AUDIENCE WHO HAVE SEEN A FEW OR MORE DAVID CRONENBERG MOVIES

Not this crap again.

INT. WILLEM DAFOE'S BORING PLACE

JUDE and JENNIFER have gone to visit WILLEM DAFOE, who overacts desperately.

WILLEM DAFOE

(overacting)

My God, there must be some way to wring interest out of this lame material.

DAVID CRONENBERG

Hmm, he might succeed, which would disrupt the tone of the film. I'd better kill him off.

WILLEM DAFOE

(being killed off)

Ah, poop.

INT. YET ANOTHER DRAB ROOM

JUDE LAW

I've lost track. Did we leave the game? Or are we still in the game?

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

Actually it could be.... EITHER! How would you TELL?

JUDE LAW

Oooooo, deep.

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

We could be... in the GAME, or we could..... NOT be in the game.

AUDIENCE

Yeah, but since both worlds are so goddamned boring, who gives a flying fuck?

IAN HOLM and DON MCKELLAR appear, using godawful fake accents that are also impossibly hard to understand. DON MCKELLAR fires a flamethrower in a very dull way.

JUDE LAW

Wow, these stupid characters could be... REAL... or they could only exist in the... GAME.

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

Ooooooo.....

AUDIENCE

Oh, fuck this shit. We're gone.

DAVID CRONENBERG

No, don't go yet, you'll miss my lame-ass twist ending that I tacked on to try and hide the fact that I really have no ending, or for that matter no story whatsoever.

AUDIENCE

Fuck you.

They LEAVE.

DAVID CRONENBERG

...or DO THEY?!!?

FUCK OFF

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