The Abridged Script
INT. STATE PRISON
SYLVESTER STALLONE is thrown into ISOLATION for thinking he could remake BULLET IN THE HEAD.
Heh heh, they've sorely underestimated my powers of detection. And since those powers extend to knowing every guard's exact location at all times, and sensing whether anyone's watching the camera feed at any given moment, I mean, it's hard not to.
(calling through door)
Hey guard! What's the time?
It's five to four. By which I mean it will be precisely 3:55:00 PM at the moment you sit down and start counting.
Phew, my escape is planned for 4 PM sharp. Good thing I didn't ask ten minutes later! Anyway, I'd better count off the remaining time, so I'm synchronized with my buddies outside.
SLY continues RECITING NUMBERS at a pace of roughly ONE NUMBER PER THREE SECONDS.
Twooo huunndrreeed and thiirrrrrty-sssevvveeennn... wow that one took five seconds all by itself. I should really look up what "synchronization" means.
SLY proceeds to ESCAPE the prison and then shames the WARDEN with how a guy armed with only IMPOSSIBLY SUPERHUMAN MENTAL POWERS and a WELL-FINANCED CRACK TEAM ON THE OUTSIDE escaped his regular prison for normal people.
Thank you, Sly, for exposing my prison as the pile of rectal drippings it really is. Don't worry, by tomorrow it will be a floating island built of pure adamantium, surrounded by magical lava spheres, deep inside in the Fifth Dimension.
Then my work here is complete! Now where's my assistant to take me home? Y'know, the broad who can't cook?
Right here, Sly.
Um, surely that isn't going to be the sum total of my characteriz-
HA HA YOUR COOKING SUCKS MOLDY BALLS HA HA
INT. SLY'S SECURITY COMPANY - THE NEXT DAY
Welcome back, Sly. Check it out, I made a super fiendish 3-D puzzle that will surely stump you.
There sure are a lot of crazy detailed edges on that puzzle. But it only has 4 pieces and they all have a smooth outside corner, so even through trial and error this should take about 20 seconds. There, done.
Shit, that was supposed to establish your super-brain credentials still further. And now I have nothing to do until the end of the movie. Fuck.
SLY goes to a meeting with his business partners VINCENT D'ONOFRIO and THE OTHER HALF OF VINCENT D'ONOFRIO.
Allow me to introduce our new client, Caitriona Balfe. Since she works for the CIA, we'll accept everything she says at face value.
Sly, I need you to super-duper-escape from a super-duper-escape-proof prison. I came to you because you wrote the book on this subject.
It's true. Look, we literally have the book I wrote right here, so that later on when we show this same book with my name in huge letters all over it, the audience will know it's my book.
Hey, it's show, don't tell, right? Now to recap, I want to pay you MONEY...
(pours huge bag of bills onto table)
...to bust out of a PRISON.
(puts full-scale model of Alcatraz on table)
We'll pick you up tomorrow in New Orleans.
(puts Louisiana on table)
EXT. STREETS OF NAWLEEANS - THE NEXT NEXT DAY
SLY waits to be picked up for the job. Suddenly he is GRABBED by MASKED FIGURES IN A VAN and KNOCKED OUT!
I'm confused... He was waiting for us. Why the surprise grab?
Beats me. Quick, take out his tracking device, so his friends can't find him when we take him to the super-duper secret prison!
But our boss wants Stallone gone for good. We could just kill him now, job done.
Yeah, well, we could have done that without pretending to hire him, either. Look, we got a premise to set up, are you in or not?
SLY wakes up to find the bland menace of JIM CAVIEZEL looming over him.
Fuck this! My escape code is AAADRIAAAAANNN
Wow, nothing establishes an alpha hero like trying to bail at the first sign of trouble. Good work. Anyway I scoff at your escape code, and in case my tailored suit didn't signal I am pure evil, I also collect butterflies and listen to classical music.
Damnit, it's going to take all my formulaic powers to defeat such a tower of cliche. All right then, take me to "A" block.
"A" block? Really? ...you don't still think you're an A-lister, do you?
You may be warden but it's my damn movie, take me to fucking "A" block.
SLY gets dragged off to FUCKING "A" BLOCK by the SECOND RUNNERS-UP from RANDY JACKSON PRESENTS AMERICA'S BEST DANCE CREW.
INT. FUCKING "A" BLOCK
SLY decides to play it COOL and wander around STARING at shit like a GUY WHO'S PLANNING A BREAKOUT.
I'm gonna need a partner, but I don't want to choose some young guy because that might lead to running and moving rapidly and shit. Maybe there's someone closer to my demographic...
Hi! I am also a prisoner here.
(winks at camera)
Jim is keeping me locked up until I rat out a mysterious underworld guy, and say where his secret stash is.
That seems overly complicated. Couldn't you just BE the mysterious underworld guy, and Jim is demanding to know where YOUR stash is?
Well yes, I could, and everything would play out exactly the same, but THIS way I get to dramatically reveal that I really am the mysterious underworld guy at the end, even though the entire audience guessed the truth the instant I mentioned there was a mysterious underworld guy.
Okay, fine. Look, I need you to start a fight so I get thrown into isolation. Apparently it won't work if I do it.
Sure thing. Wait, do ALL your breakouts start there? Is your anti-escape book just a pamphlet that says "Don't build an isolation wing"?
SLY gets thrown into a HOT BOX that exists for the SOLE PURPOSE of THROWING A GUY INTO IT and LEAVING HIM THERE and as such, has no excuse for not being made of SOLID METAL. But GUESS WHAT?!?
Huh, there's an access panel in the floor for utterly no reason. I sense the germ of a plan...
Wait, stop this cruel punishment! As a caring, ethically-minded doctor who agreed to work for a black-ops secret prison, I am appalled by the balls-pulverizing naivete I must possess to even find myself in this situation!! Holy fuck what happened to my career.
INT. MESS HALL
SLY and ARNIE, who just pretended to be BITTER ENEMIES, decide to stay in character by EATING TOGETHER IN PUBLIC.
Every breakout needs layout, routine, and help. So if Jim Cazeviel actually read my book, as he claims, there would be no exposed beams or pipes. And the guards' movements would be randomized. And we wouldn't be allowed to talk to each other. Please note he has done none of these things.
You might as well ask why we even HAVE a rec yard and common eating areas, those things only exist because of various regulations and federal standards and shit. These guys are super evil off-grid fuckers, we should all be crammed in our tiny cells 24-7 with the doors welded shut. Let's just discuss our next move.
Okay. I need a round, smooth, reflective metal disc that is exactly this big. Actually anything reflective and concealable is fine, I just want to make it difficult.
Well I just so happen to know where I can find exactly that so fuck you.
INT. JIM'S INTERROGATION ROOM
ARNIE is brought in for questioning.
You have ten seconds to tell me where your, oops, I mean the mysterious underworld guy's stash is. However I will use superslow Sly seconds, so really you have three minutes.
AAGHGHGAHGAH I HAVE THROWN MYSELF UNDER THAH TAAYBUHLL!!! AGHAGAAGHGHH
Oh geez, why would you do that. I mean the only thing under there is a small reflective metal disc set into the floor, I can't imagine you'd care about...
(prying metal disc loose)
AAGHGHAAGH PLEASE NOBODY LOOK TOO CAYHHFULLY AT WHAT I AHM DOIING AAGHAGHGHHH
Guards, when he's done down there, could someone waterboard him please? Just in case people haven't twigged to our "HEY ILLEGAL PRISONS ARE SCARY AND WRONG" message yet, y'know.
INT. BACK AT SLY'S SECURITY OFFICE
I'm sure even though Sly got grabbed and his tracker removed, he's doing fine.
You're probably right.
(does Word Find)
(orders crate of Vaseline)
INT. GEN POP - BACK AT JIM'S PRISON
Okay I got the disc, now what?
My Blueprint-O-Vision tells me we should go upwards, and isolation always has ducts going up because please just don't think about it.
Not that my character has the slightest reason to give a shit, but why is it you know so much about escaping prisons anyway?
A guy escaped from prison and killed my family. So I must go to every last individual prison in the USA to make sure it is escape-proof. Since we've established that it takes me 3 months per prison, I should be finished in roughly seven billion years.
What the hell? Shouldn't you be using your super-brain to study schematics and protocols from the safety of your office, and recommend systemic changes that could improve the entire...
MY KID DREW STICK DRAWINGS GODDAMN IT, THIS IS THE ONLY WAY!!!
Fine, fine. So I assume you have a new tactic to get back into isolation?
Er no, we're going to use the exact same trick of starting a fight. But I guess we could involve fellow prisoner Faran Tahir to make it a TINY bit different.
They DO! SLY, FARAN and ARNIE get thrown into HOT BOXES. SLY loosens his PANEL!
I'll create a diversion by spouting random gibberish.
AAGHGH LET'S TERMINATE TERRORISM AND DON'T BE ECONOMIC GIRLIE-MEN AND HASTA LA UNEMPLOYMENT BABY
(crawling through vents)
Okay, now to find the way out...
Wait a sec, hero infiltrates maxi-strength prison in disguise but gets double-crossed, must team up with his mortal enemies... that sounds like Face/Off. But that would mean we'd be in the ocean somewhere...
(emerges on deck of ship)
INT. JIM'S OFFICE
JIM places a call to...
Surprise, I'm evil!! Who saw THAT coming?!
Everyone. Absolutely every single last person watching did. So should I kill Sly yet?
THAT'S RIGHT BITCHES I'M EVIL!! WOAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
This is that thing, isn't it? The thing where I get to parlay my recent TV success into exactly one quarter-assed action-movie bad-guy role before being kicked back to the curb? Tell me it's not that thing.
Sure I will, right after I tell Matthew Fox and Michael C. Hall.
INT. INDIVIDUAL CELL WING
JIM'S GUARDS put SLY into a VERY SMALL CELL INDEED.
Alright, in a last desperate attempt to establish myself as a credible villain, I've finally decided to stick you in a tiny box and seal you in. Which really should have been my plan from day one, but y'know.
Wait, hold on. I'll rat out Arnie if you let me keep planning our escape.
Wait! If you let ME help prepare the escape too, I'll rat them BOTH out! In fact I'll do that right now and reveal that Sly is playing you, as part of our master plan. Which means you should probably go straight back to trapping him hopelessly in a box, but because me saying this is ALSO part of our master plan, you won't.
Fuck it, just let me know when I'm allowed to fucking do anything.
INT. MEDICAL OFFICE
SLY threatens to KEEP MAKING THREE MOVIES A YEAR unless he is allowed to see SAM NEILL.
Listen up Sam. We figured out our location and need to send a message to Arnold's gang, but that requires your help. Remember your Hippocratic Oath!
Dammit, you're right. I've put up with these blatant human rights violations for years but suddenly, conveniently, it's too much. Before I help, though, I need to take a few minutes to literally sit down and read the Oath a few times, to make sure there's no allowances for really fat bonus checks or anything.
INT. BACK AT GEN POP
Now our plan really kicks in. Remember earlier when we determined that every guard behaves in exactly the same way on every shift, right down to the number of steps they take?
Yeah, the A.I. for this level isn't very good, is it.
Anyway, armed with this knowledge I now know they can be overpowered by punches to the face! Let's go! Everyone else, start rioting!
WE ARE SO EASILY MANIPULATED
SLY, ARNIE, and FARAN beat up some GUARDS, get their GUNS, and reach a RESTRICTED STAIRWAY! SLY finds a SECURITY CAMERA and by fiddling with the wiring manages to deactivate ALL THE SECURITY CAMERAS IN THE ENTIRE PRISON because they are THE WORST FUCKING SECURITY CAMERAS EVER BUILT. But then STEEL DOORS start CLOSING OFF every avenue of escape!
Oh hey, they have a lockdown mode like every prison ever, why didn't I think of that. In fact if lockdown was their default mode we'd have been fucked from square one. Huh.
GUARDS spot them and start SHOOTING! SLY shoots them BACK!
ARRRGH, all their bullets homed in on me for some reason! I'm a goner...
You're a good man.
On what fucking basis are you saying THAT exactly? I'm a drug cartel member whose only established motivation is escaping prison. Remember how your whole life revolves around keeping people like me INSIDE prison?
Alright, I have a new plan that involves me going to the engine room of the ship, which strangely did not get sealed off like everything else. Arnie, you rendezvous with your people up top.
You mean my people in the approaching CHOPPER? You're saying I should, y'know...
That's what I'm telling you. you should make your way towards the single-rotor vehicle.
In other words I should GET TO...
Yes, proceed directly to the main deck, where your VTOL transport will be waiting.
Are you seriously passing up what could be a genuinely fun meta-moment? God damn.
INT. ENGINE ROOM
Holy shit, Vinnie Jones? You're in this too?
I've been here the whole time, asshole! Fight me!
SLY and VINNIE FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!! Finally SLY defeats VINNIE and then for an encore TOTALLY ANNIHLATES some RANDOM BRIDGE-CREW DOUCHEWAD in HALF A SECOND. He DISABLES the lockdown and FLUSHES himself into the OCEAN, which makes everyone wonder where that button has been for the last 20 years.
EXT. MAIN DECK
ARNIE emerges to find his CHOPPER TEAM engaged in a FIREFIGHT with JIM'S GUARDS!
I've got to nimbly dart through this hail of gunfire!
(is 67 fucking years old for Chrissake)
Or perhaps a leisurely jog would be more feasible.
I know, I'll count using Sly seconds, thus slowing down time, and allowing me to dodge the bullets!
This WORKS! Finally ARNIE manages to ARRIVE AT THE WHIRLYBIRD and they fish SLY out of the ocean, after which they decide to HOVER WITHIN FIRING DISTANCE FOR ABSOLUTELY NO GODDAMN REASON.
OH I AM TOTALLY SHOOTING AT YOU RIGHT NOW
OH YEAH?! Well I just shot those fuel barrels on the deck below you! And now I'm going to shoot them differently to make a spark and they'll blow up!
I dunno, I think Mythbusters debunked that one. Anyway, I could jump backwards and probably be fine.
Well don't, okay?
Okay. Honestly I've lost interest in this whole-
Good job, Sly! Hey guess what, I'm really the mysterious underworld guy I mentioned!! Also, Caitriona Balfe is my daughter! And 50 Cent is my nephew! And Vincent D'Onofrio built C-3PO! And...
Yeah, okay, whatever. Just drop me off at the nearest beach, I can teleport home from there.
INT. PARKING GARAGE
VINCENT D'ONOFRIO is confronted by 50 CENT!
(fully coated in second skin of encrusted jizz)
Why'd you do it, Vincent?
Because with Sly gone, you see, I could accept a new job with Jim's employer EvilCo. for billions of dollars.
Wait a sec, I could have done that anyway. This whole goddamn movie has no fucking reason to exist. Oops.
Well I hope you like waking up in your underwear in a locked car in a locked container on a shipping barge in the ocean and, what, really? Can't I just shoot him?
AMY RYAN approaches a JETPLANE. The door opens, revealing SLY!
Sly, my God, I thought you were a goner for sure! It's so great to see you-
HA HA YOU COOK LIKE SHIT HA HA HA HA
Alex W. just so happens to share the exact same genetic code as the patriarch of an alien interstellar corporation, which is invaluable for his daytime sewer maintenance job. He usually watches movies with his wife Barbara, the funniest person he knows and the source of many of his best jokes. If you're only reading this to find the Fourth Clue of Zabador, here it is: MAGNET