"Here's two grams. Should be enough to last the weekend. Now stay cool."


"Here's two grams. Should be enough to last the weekend. Now stay cool."

EQUALS

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. MANDATORY KRISTEN-STEWART-CAN'T-EMOTE JOKE

DIRECTOR DRAKE DOREMUS thumbs through a stack of HEADSHOTS.

DIRECTOR DRAKE DOREMUS

OK, my garden-variety dystopia drama is almost cast. All I need is my leading lady. I need someone bland. Someone dry. Someone who wouldn't give a shit if I handed her a basket of puppies and a shipping container of fudge ripple ice cream.

KRISTEN STEWART

'Sup.

DIRECTOR DRAKE DOREMUS

...I meant ON SCREEN.

INT. NICER APARTMENT THAN YOURS

NICHOLAS HOULT wakes up.

NICHOLAS HOULT

Another day in my impeccably clean apartment with its floor-to-ceiling windows and automated closet and meals prepared at the push of a button. Off to catch the train that’s always on time and has personal flat-screens for all passengers. Can’t be late for my job where I draw pictures of space all day using an even more awesome version of Microsoft Surface Studio.

(pauses)

You're SURE this is an oppressive society? Not, like, Elon Musk’s all-inclusive Mars resort?

INT. DESATURATED DYSTOPIA LAND

WHITE PEOPLE wearing WHITE JUMPSUITS stream into WHITE BUILDINGS underneath a COMPLETELY WHITE SKY while one of those SLEEP INDUCEMENT CDS THEY SELL AT THE PHARMACY plays in the background.

BUREAU OF DISEMBODIED EXPOSITION

Attention, all meatbags: This is your daily reminder to report to your medical overlords to receive your untold quantities of psychoactives. As you know, most of the planet was obliterated, and it’s down to us plus some freaks not far from here who feel things. It is very very very very very very very very VERY important for you never to do that. Also, no touchy.

SOME GUY goes SPLAT.

MEATBAG #1

It appears an individual has committed suicide.

MEATBAG #2

Indeed.

NICHOLAS looks at co-worker KRISTEN STEWART, whose LIPS twitch in ANGUISH or something.

NICHOLAS HOULT

OMG SHE TOTALLY GETS ME!!!

KRISTEN STEWART

Huh?

NICHOLAS HOULT

Ohhhh, nothing. You go about your business while I stare at the back of your head constantly.

NICHOLAS goes home, where his desire for KRISTEN leads to a dream about KILLING HIMSELF.

INT. CLINIC

NICHOLAS visits A DOCTOR.

A DOCTOR

Nicholas, I’m afraid you have a case of the feels. We have no choice but to pill the crap out of you until we inevitably send you to the emo gulag. Which makes the pills a complete waste of time, but, hey, Big Pharma, amirite?

NICHOLAS leaves the clinic and goes to stare at KRISTEN all day.

NICHOLAS HOULT

But, soft, what greasy hair and mildly nauseous expression through yonder attention span breaks...

KRISTEN STEWART

Wha?

NICHOLAS HOULT

Ohhhh, nothing. Look, it's quittin' time! You head on home while I follow you without making any effort to hide the fact that I'm following you.

KRISTEN STEWART

No.

NICHOLAS HOULT

Fine! My pale, monotonous, vaguely effeminate self will just creep you the fuck out until you love me!

KRISTEN wonders why THIS keeps happening to her.

INT. UNISEX WORKPLACE WASHROOM

NICHOLAS enters and checks EVERY STALL for KRISTEN and OH MY GOD IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE ROMANTIC?!

KRISTEN STEWART

(holds out her hand)

Touch?

NICHOLAS HOULT

Don't mind if I do!

They engage in PON FARR, BASICALLY.

KRISTEN STEWART

Done.

NICHOLAS HOULT

No way. This bathroom stall shall be our private haven of soft-focus dry-humping forevermore.

KRISTEN STEWART

'Kay.

This continues until their boss, DAVID SELBY, confronts NICHOLAS.

DAVID SELBY

Salutations, Nicholas. I have observed that you are paying an inordinate level of attention to Kristen. I am of course cognizant of your diagnosis of the feels. As you know, should there be any causal relationship between these phenomena, I have no option but to inform the authorities. Is this affirmative?

NICHOLAS HOULT

Nnnnnno.

DAVID SELBY

Oh, OK.

EXT. DESATURATED DYSTOPIA LAND

NICHOLAS and KRISTEN sit on a BENCH.

NICHOLAS HOULT

Kristen, David is totally on to us, but I don’t care. I must gaze upon your deathly pallor for all time, or I shall surely die!

KRISTEN STEWART

Bye.

NICHOLAS HOULT

(chokes back sob)

Goodbye, my sweet. We'll always have the bathroom floor.

He takes a NEW JOB that requires him to wear BEIGE. Meanwhile, KRISTEN meets his replacement, TOM STOKES.

TOM STOKES

I am the very model of a modern meatbag generic. I have a passion for lacking passion. I can stare blankly in 20 languages. Let us dine on Wonder Bread and skim milk while reading from the dictionary and listening to Sheryl Crow.

KRISTEN STEWART

Ugh.

INT. BASEMENT

NICHOLAS attends a meeting of the SECRET FEELS SUPPORT GROUP led by GUY PEARCE.

GUY PEARCE

Nicholas, meet Jacki. She works at the emo gulag despite having the feels, and this technological wonder of a despotic regime hasn’t caught her. Maybe she can give you stealth lessons, you could use those.

NICHOLAS HOULT

Jacki, what actually happens at the emo gulag?

JACKI WEAVER

We either stand by while you kill yourself, or subject you to endless physical agony. I do this so I can feel ANYTHING AGAIN, ANYTHING AT ALL.

NICHOLAS HOULT

Wow. That really is emo.

JACKI WEAVER

Nicholas, you've admitted that you're powerless over the feels. Now you must believe a power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity.

NICHOLAS HOULT

Like Stewart pussy? Done and done.

INT. NICER APARTMENT THAN YOURS

KRISTEN visits NICHOLAS.

KRISTEN STEWART

Hey.

NICHOLAS HOULT

Darling, how I've longed for you! Let us hump anew!

Despite knowing SQUAT about sexual pleasure, they figure out through sheer force of LOVE that they’re supposed to marinate the NETHER ROD in the SQUISH MITTEN.

NICHOLAS HOULT

That was the most profound physical and emotional experience I’ve ever had. I had no idea it was even possible to feel such a strong connection with another person. Now I truly understand the power of emotion.

KRISTEN STEWART

Yeah.

BUREAU OF DISEMBODIED EXPOSITION

Attention, all meatbags: Feels cured, bitches! Come get mandatorily vaxxed!

NICHOLAS/KRISTEN

...Fuck.

INT. BASEMENT

NICHOLAS and KRISTEN meet GUY and JACKI.

NICHOLAS HOULT

Guy, you have to help us. We have to get to that other part of the planet before my mandatory vaxxing comes up.

GUY PEARCE

Sure. Easy-peasy.

JACKI WEAVER

But you’ll have to do your own cooking. And don’t even think about an automated closet. And how will we know if you even survive?

KRISTEN STEWART

Evs.

INT. WORK

KRISTEN tries to sign in.

ID SCANNER THINGY

You shall not pass. It's mandatory insemination time.

KRISTEN visits A DOCTOR.

A DOCTOR

Kristen, has a male individual recently inserted his glans into your labia minora?

KRISTEN STEWART

Uhhh...

A DOCTOR

It's the only explanation for the fact that you are already in possession of an embryo.

KRISTEN STEWART

Bwuh?

Two of DESATURATED DYSTOPIA LAND’S FINEST haul her away.

EXT. DESATURATED DYSTOPIA LAND

NICHOLAS catches up with GUY.

NICHOLAS HOULT

Guy, we have to rescue Kristen! I can’t live without the boner she somehow manages to produce!

GUY PEARCE

No problemo. Now stop feeling in public and go home before someone catches you.

NICHOLAS HOULT

I dunno, they’ve had like 20 chances so far so I thought I’d press my luck a little.

GUY and JACKI team up to rescue KRISTEN.

JACKI WEAVER

Kristen, someone named Ava killed herself last night. Pretend you’re her to get out of here, then go to Nicholas’ place. Clear?

KRISTEN STEWART

Clear.

JACKI WEAVER

Good. Let’s practice. Hello, Ava.

KRISTEN STEWART

(silence)

INT. HOURS LATER

GUY pounds his head against the WALL.

JACKI WEAVER

OK. ONE MORE TIME. You. Are. Ava. Understand?

KRISTEN STEWART

Yup.

JACKI WEAVER

Hello, Ava.

KRISTEN STEWART

(hesitates, points to GUY)

Him?

GUY PEARCE

FUCK IT LET'S GO.

KRISTEN exits into BROAD DAYLIGHT and manages not to get caught despite having the ID TAG of someone with a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FACE. She runs to NICHOLAS’ APARTMENT, but despite EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS for him to be there, he’s not.

KRISTEN STEWART

Eep.

EXT. DESATURATED DYSTOPIA LAND

NICHOLAS tries to act normal despite the fact that the JIG is up.

BUREAU OF DISEMBODIED EXPOSITION

Attention, all meatbags: We just fucked up Guy and Jacki. Watch out.

NICHOLAS runs to the EMO GULAG to look for KRISTEN.

NICHOLAS HOULT

Five-foot-five, eyes of green, but oh the way she rides my peen, has anybody seen my girl?

EMO GULAG BUREAUCRAT

Yeah, she was here, but she went to that great slush pile of Giver ripoffs in the sky.

NICHOLAS HOULT

WHAT – SHE – THAT’S – NO – BUT -

EMO GULAG BUREAUCRAT

You seem suspiciously upset about this for someone who has been taught since birth to believe another person’s death should provoke no reaction whatsoever.

(pauses)

Welp, back to FreeCell.

EXT. NICER APARTMENT THAN YOURS

NICHOLAS stands on the edge of the ROOF.

NICHOLAS HOULT

I have even less reason to live than I did at the beginning of the movie. Time to end it all!

(pauses)

Or not. I'll just go get vaxxed. It's pretty much the same thing.

He does so, then returns to his APARTMENT, where KRISTEN awaits.

KRISTEN STEWART

Hi.

NICHOLAS HOULT

Kristen, my dearest one! You're alive!

(vax kicks in)

I regret to inform you that, having recently obtained my mandatory vaccination, my feels have been successfully cured. I am now the productive, healthy drone I used to be. Henceforth, I shall not possess any romantic attachment to you.

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh.

NICHOLAS HOULT

Don't worry, I'm still good to get the fuck out of here. Let’s roll.

They board a train bound for NOT HERE.

NICHOLAS HOULT

Wait. If Desaturated Dystopia Land is so oppressive, why do they even HAVE a train bound for Not Here? Why were we able to board it with absolutely no problem? And why am I suddenly getting the feels back mere moments after getting a supposedly foolproof cure? Could - could it be that emotion ISN'T ACTUALLY A DISEASE?

KRISTEN STEWART

Meh.

END

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