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Epic

EPIC

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. OLD HOUSE

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

Sigh, here I am. For my Mom's sake, I've come to live with my lame-ass Dad in this podunk forest town. This is going to suck, unless while I'm here I get involved with a race of mythical creatures I never even suspected - okay, if I see Robert Pattinson anywhere, I am fucking BAILING.

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Hi honey! Are you here to join me in my work, searching the forest for an advanced race of tiny people? And by "advanced" I mean "about twelfth century by our standards"?

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

Tiny people, riiight. If nature is so full of one-inch-tall humans like you say, why have we never seen them? Especially in this day and age when David Attenborough has shoved super-hi-def slo-mo cameras into every termite mound, wasp hive and scrap of undergrowth on the face of the planet?

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Because they move too fast, like flies! The world would appear in slow motion to them, at least on the rare occasions where the movie remembers that that's a thing.

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

We can't see them because they move too fast... like flies. So that explains why we've never seen flies either, I guess. Dad, you're an idiot.

INT. ROYAL...PLANT OR SOMETHING?

Tiny royal guard COLIN FARRELL is addressing tiny queen BEYONCE KNOWLES.

CGI COLIN FARRELL

Your Majesty, my intel suggests bad guys will try to kill you at the upcoming MacGuffin Creation Ceremony. I suggest we move it indoors to be safe.

CGI BEYONCE KNOWLES

Geez, lighten up. Sure, if I die without passing my Gaia-esque powers on to a successor our people and indeed the entire forest will be destroyed by the forces of evil, but you don't have to take it all so SERIOUSLY.

CGI COLIN FARRELL

So, no indoor ceremony then. Can I at least talk you out of the massive ceremonial float which makes you the most obvious, exposed target imaginable?

CGI BEYONCE KNOWLES

Nah, let's keep that, it goes well with my shocking disregard for my own safety. I want the works, huge float, honor guard, trumpets and how the flying FUCK have humans never spotted us yet?

They go and have the CEREMONY. Crappy soldier JOSH HUTCHERSON shows up after it's started.

CGI COLIN FARRELL

Look who finally decided to show. Sheesh, get your act together.

CGI JOSH HUTCHERSON

Maybe you should cut me a little slack, since in the opening action sequence you left me DANGLING FROM THE TALON OF A CROW. That slowed me down just a tad.

CGI COLIN FARRELL

Hey, I'm just trying to toughen you up! I promised your late father I'd look out for you!

CGI JOSH HUTCHERSON

Look out for me? Again: DANGLING FROM THE TALON OF A CROW. That's it, fuck this army, I'm out of here!

(leaves)

CGI COLIN FARRELL

So, what's the penalty for desertion around here? Nothing? Alrighty then.

BEYONCE chooses a flower pod to be the vessel of her magic spirit. But then tiny insect lizard demon thing CHRISTOPH WALTZ attacks with his ARMY!

CGI BEYONCE KNOWLES

Uh oh! Colin, get this random little girl to safety while I draw off the bad guys!

CGI COLIN FARRELL

Sure thing, Your Ma-- wait, WHAT?!

CGI BEYONCE KNOWLES

Don't worry, I can look after myself!

(shot full of arrows, falls a thousand feet)

INT. OLD HOUSE

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

All right, I give up. I know I promised my mother on her death bed that I'd get my dad to stop being crazy, but it's been the better part of a day and he still hasn't changed, what more can I do?

She goes to leave, but accidentally lets the dog out and has to chase it into the forest. She comes across a dying BEYONCE, who gives her the pod and shrinks her down to tiny-person size.

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

AAAAHHHH, FERNGULLY REFERENCE TOO OBVIOUS TO EVEN BOTHER WORDING CLEVERLY!!!

BEYONCE dies, and COLIN shows up.

CGI COLIN FARRELL

Oh look, we're making first contact with the mysterious race of giants. I'll have any reaction whatsoever to that later, for now we've got to get that pod safely to Steven Tyler's place. Yes, he's in this for some reason.

But then up pops a CHRIS O'DOWD SNAIL and an AZIZ ANSARI SLUG.

CGI CHRIS O'DOWD

Hold it! We're the official Pod Guards, and we have to come too. We're basically Roy Trenneman and Tom Haverford as a comic duo, which SOUNDS like it would be hilarious. Yessir, we're very entertaining indeed on paper.

CGI AZIZ ANSARI

You need us along to keep the pod moist, which we apparently do just by being in its general vicinity? It doesn't make any sense, but it does tether the comic relief to the plot quite nicely.

CGI COLIN FARRELL

Oy, these guys. Tell you what, we're going to do everyone a favor and just leave you out of the script from here on out.

CGI CHRIS O'DOWD

But-

(SILENCE!)

CGI COLIN FARRELL

Now that we have to lug those two jokers along as well, we'll need another bird. Let's go.

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

Let's go... on your bird? So we can't all travel on the one bird, so we'll get on your one bird to travel to a place where we can get a second bird.

CGI COLIN FARRELL

Exactly. Now come on, this is a really important and sensitive mission, so let's hurry to the seediest backwater of the forest and get the help of the single most unreliable person I know.

They go and find JOSH, who is seconds away from being MURDERED BY GANGSTERS.

CGI COLIN FARRELL

Wow, I'm really doing a bang-up job with that whole "looking after Josh" thing, aren't I?

(rescues Josh)

Hey man, the queen's dead, we need your help and your bird.

CGI JOSH HUTCHERSON

The queen's DEAD? Woah, I fully appreciate what a big deal that is and take it completely seriously.

CGI COLIN FARRELL

Um, if you're sure, but be aware that "taking stuff seriously" is in fact the resolution of your character arc. You really ready to be done yet?

CGI JOSH HUTCHERSON

Oops, good point. I'll just immediately revert to my jackass persona, nyuck nyuck!

They all FLY OFF. On the way they have to briefly BATTLE SOME BAD GUYS.

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

All right, who are these guys anyway and what's their problem?

CGI JOSH HUTCHERSON

Well nature, see, is constantly at war with itself...

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

Oh yeah, humans figured that much out. How an ecosystem is an infinitely complex series of checks and balances, and any shift in the equilibrium can have far-reaching-

CGI JOSH HUTCHERSON

Woah, stop. This is a kid's movie, we're just going to boil it down to "good guys who cause life versus bad guys who cause death", okay?

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

But, aren't death and decay natural and necessary facets of the cycle of-

CGI JOSH HUTCHERSON

Nope! Death is evil. And uh, so are crows, bats and moles, randomly.

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

Not exactly trying to encourage the budding ecologists out there, I see. And how does Man factor into the evil threat to forest life?

CGI JOSH HUTCHERSON

Man? What's Man?

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

Holy crap, this is a family movie about "nature in peril", and it's NOT a heavy-handed message about the Evils of Man? Is it my birthday or something?

They show up at STEVEN TYLER'S place.

CGI STEVEN TYLER

Welcome to the Tree of Knowledge, where we have magic scrolls detailing every event that's ever happened in this forest since the beginning of time! To store that much information, this tree is naturally the size of the entire planet, or rather it ought to be but isn't.

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

Every event? Even when someone, like, eats a grape, or blows their nose?

CGI STEVEN TYLER

Everything.

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

...What about, say, when you go to the bathroom. Or take a shower. Or, well...

CGI STEVEN TYLER

EVERYTHING.

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

Yikes. Oh well, at least it's just scrolls, not footage or anything.

CGI STEVEN TYLER

Did I mention these are magic scrolls which project life-sized holograms?

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

...Oooookayyy, nightmarish premise aside, this doesn't help us. We're not after past events, we need instructions on what to do with this pod.

CGI STEVEN TYLER

Uh, that's in here too, for whatever reason. Says here that you just need to let the pod bloom in moonlight tonight. You'd think that's something that, say, the official Pod Guards would know, but apparently not.

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

And how do I get back to normal size?

CGI STEVEN TYLER

It says if you stay with the pod until it blooms, you will "get back that which you gave".

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

How very cryptic. I'm going to just assume that means I'll be unshrunk, even though the audience can clearly see that it really has some other, more life-lessony-

CGI STEVEN TYLER

Nope, that's exactly what it means. I guess we just worded it weird to be all "ooh, mystical". So that's it, just stay with the pod.

CGI COLIN FARRELL

You too, Josh, I order you to guard the pod.

CGI JOSH HUTCHERSON

Got it!

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

No sweat!

FIVE SECONDS pass.

CGI JOSH HUTCHERSON

So, feel like wandering off?

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

Sure!

While AMANDA and JOSH go outside to HANG OUT, CHRISTOPH and his ARMY steal the pod!

CGI JOSH HUTCHERSON

Oh. Whoops. Okay, we can fix this, let's just dress up as bad guys and invade their lair Mordor style! Oh, but wherever will we find bad-guy costumes?

CGI COLIN FARRELL

Are you kidding? Some of them just wear, like, dead rats. I think we can swing it.

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

Even easier, let's just go and swipe the ones my Dad found during his research.

CGI COLIN FARRELL

So your dad found miniature weapons, suits of armor and bird saddles and that never tipped anyone off that maybe he was onto something?

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

I don't know, I guess we figured he was prying them off of Warhammer figurines or something.

They go to the house and grab the outfits, but JASON spots them.

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

Oh my God, some of those guys I've been trying to find! Quick, I'll use the vacuum cleaner to try and suck them up and imprison them!

(pause)

Wow, that... that's just awful. I'm a terrible, terrible person.

AMANDA, COLIN and JOSH manage to GET AWAY and go sneak into CHRISTOPH'S FORTRESS.

CGI COLIN FARRELL

All right, guys, you go after the pod. I'll cause a diversion and hopefully every single bad guy will abandon their post to deal with a single intruder.

(throws off disguise)

HEY EVERYBODY, LOOK AT ME, I'M A DISTRACTION! EVERYONE BE SUCKERED IN BY THE GUY DELIBERATELY DRAWING AS MUCH ATTENTION TO HIMSELF AS POSSIBLE! BRRRRBLBLBL, WAAAGH!

(runs)

CHRISTOPH'S WHOLE ARMY chases COLIN, leaving the all-important pod guarded by ABSOLUTELY NOBODY. AMANDA and JOSH make off with it, and on their way out they see COLIN fighting with CHRISTOPH!

CGI COLIN FARRELL

So since your hated rivals need the pod to stay alive, why didn't you, oh, I don't know, DESTROY THE POD?

CGI CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Because, if it blooms in darkness instead of moonlight, instead of a good guy queen, it'd make a bad guy prince, weirdly gender-specific as that is! With that kind of magic, we'd be unstoppable!

CGI COLIN FARRELL

Oh come on. We've established over and over that if the queen's magic isn't passed on, the good guys are screwed. Hell, we've been queenless for a matter of hours, and you've already destroyed half the forest! You've already won, you idiot! And you're protecting the one thing that can be used to thwart you so that, what, you can ultra mega win with a cherry on top?

CGI CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Hey, if I just wanted a regular win, I could have killed Beyonce any time. Or I could go kill the new queen tomorrow. Either one would have qualified as "the queen dying without an heir". You guys should be thanking me for killing your queen on the one day in a century it doesn't automatically mean the good guys lose forever.

CGI COLIN FARRELL

Wow, when you put it that way, that's a pretty pathetic weakness we've got, isn't it? It's a wonder we didn't die out thousands of times already. Oh, by the way, you should know that I didn't come here alone.

CGI JOSH HUTCHERSON

Oh, great. Good job defeating the entire purpose of a diversion, asshole!

CHRISTOPH chases after AMANDA and JOSH while his army KILLS COLIN, but they get away with the POD.

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

All right, we just need to get this pod anywhere where there's moonlight and where the bad guys won't find it.

CGI JOSH HUTCHERSON

Ooh, I know: let's take it to the exact same place the bad guys just stole it from!

(pause)

Okay, maybe we DESERVE to get wiped out.

They take the pod back to STEVEN, who places it underneath a SKYLIGHT which seems to exist for THIS SPECIFIC PURPOSE. But then CHRISTOPH and his ARMY show up on bats, and fly around blocking out the MOONLIGHT!

CGI JOSH HUTCHERSON

Oh no! Bird soldiers, let's go fight them, because filling the sky with even MORE flying objects is helpful in this situation!

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

And while the bad guys are preoccupied fighting you, I'll sneak the pod outside into the moonlight! If I'm halfway intelligent. Which I'm really not. No, the best plan I can actually come up with is to get my dad over here to use Science to draw off the bats.

CGI JOSH HUTCHERSON

And by "the bats" you kinda mean "the evil demon army with death powers".

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

Well sure, their dark magic has been shown to skeletonize birds and uproot trees, but I'm sure Dad'll be fine.

CGI JASON SUDEIKIS

(bats in hair)

AAAHHH, THIS IS BECAUSE OF THE VACUUM CLEANER THING ISN'T IT

(flees)

CHRISTOPH, however, makes it inside and goes after the pod. But he is stopped by COLIN!

CGI CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Oh, BULLSHIT. The last time we saw you, you were being dogpiled by a bajillion monsters. You DIED. You are DEAD.

CGI COLIN FARRELL

Nuh uh! Missed me! Missed me!

CGI CHRISTOPH WALTZ

No fair, cheater!

COLIN and JOSH push their swords against CHRISTOPH'S DEATH STAFF until CHRISTOPH gets thrown outside and eaten by a tree? What? Then the pod BLOOMS IN THE MOONLIGHT and BEYONCE'S SPIRIT comes out of it.

CGI BEYONCE KNOWLES

So, next queen'll be, let's say, the one flower kid who's had any lines or screen time in the entire movie, what a shock. Have fun, kid, and remember not to slip in the shower or anything otherwise your entire race is doomed!

(passes on powers, vanishes)

CGI COLIN FARRELL

You know, if she'd still been alive during that, as was the plan, that would've been fucking surreal.

Then the NEW QUEEN magics AMANDA back to NORMAL SIZE!

CGI AMANDA SEYFRIED

Awesome! Oh, and it's okay, Josh, you can still sorta be my love interest even though I could now use you as a noseplug.

(pause)

All right, I am staying WAY the hell away from this movie's fan fiction.

END.