END OF DAYS
The Abridged Script
INT. ARNIE'S APARTMENT
Look, it is very DARK in my apartment and I am holding a GUN to my HEAD. This proves I am a serious actor playing a serious character.
DIRECTOR PETER HYAMS
It also proves I know how to rip off Lethal Weapon.
Excuse me, Serious Arnie, but as your best friend, partner, zany sidekick and all-around red-shirted-Star-Trek guy, I must remind you that we have to go deal with a crazed gunman and do some action-movie stuff.
I shall do so, extremely seriously. Look, I am unshaven and grizzled.
ARNIE proceeds to DANGLE from a HELICOPTER very grimly.
INT. DISGUSTING APARTMENT
So this is where the wacko priest gunman lived. It's almost as dark as your own apartment.
This proves that this is a serious and dark thriller.
And that I can rip off Se7en.
As a police officer, I should arrest you both for interfering with our investigation; but it's so goddamned dark in here I can barely see anything. (bumps into table) Where's the door?
I am very serious.
INT. UDO KIER'S HOUSE
UDO KIER is having dinner with his wife and daughter when GABRIEL BYRNE arrives.
Hey, you're that priest from Stigmata, right?
No, although my appearance is identical, this time I am Satan. To prove it I will simultaneously fuck your wife, daughter, both aunts, grandmother, great-aunt, your daughter's prom committee, and your pet ferret.
Well this is, after all, a serious adult action thriller. Be sure to display plenty of breasts.
You got it. Do ferrets have breasts?
INT. VERY NICE HOUSE WHICH IS NONETHELESS KIND OF DARK
ARNIE and KEVIN POLLACK are checking up a lead.
TOKEN BRIDE OF SATAN
Hello. These are my breasts.
ARNIE looks serious.
TOKEN BRIDE OF SATAN
Would you like an...... APPLE???????!!!!????????
Before the deft symbolism can be taken further, EVIL PRIESTS barge in and a very serious GUNFIGHT ensues, cumulating in KEVIN POLLACK getting blown up and MIRIAM MARGOYLES kicking the living shit out of ARNIE before he and the TOKEN BRIDE escape.
Wow, Miriam Margoyles kicked Arnie's butt. He'll have to watch out for her later...
I am very disappointed, Miriam Margoyles. You must die.
But I'm one of the only characters that has lasted more than two seconds against Arnie.... wouldn't it be more strategically valuable if....
But you are also a good actress and my acting supremacy must go unquestioned.
He KILLS MIRIAM MARGOYLES. While he's at it, he also dispatches with CCH POUNDER and UDO KIER leaving him the only good actor left.
At least I didn't have to show my breasts.
ARNIE and TOKEN BRIDE have gone to PRIEST ROD STEIGER for help.
Satan will be coming after us. We must summon all our powers of seriousness and pretension.
We must defeat him before 12:01 AM New Year's Day because of the millenium.
Huh? Local time?
Umm, bullshit bullshit bullshit.
I see now.
What the fuck? That didn't explain anything. Even if our calendar accurately placed the Birth of Christ, which it doesn't, why would it be American time and not Bethlehem time, and what about the invention of leap years, and......
Quiet!! You are undermining my serious movie.
No worse than you are.
Suddenly KEVIN POLLACK arrives wearing exactly the same clothes as when he got BLOWN UP.
Hey look! I'm actually A-OK and not in any way a tool of Satan now.
There is no arguing with that. I shall entrust you with the safety of the girl and her breasts.
KEVIN POLLACK gives the TOKEN BRIDE to GABRIEL BYRNE and they all leave.
(nailing himself grimly to a cross)
INT. SECRET UNDERGROUND SATANIC GOTH INDUSTRIAL RAVE COMPLEX
ARNIE, carrying EVERY GUN IN NEW YORK, has snuck up on GABRIEL BYRNE just as he is about to have SEX with the TOKEN BRIDE.
If I can just destroy Gabriel Byrne, then I won't have to deal with his superior acting and maybe I'll have a fighting chance.
He SHOOTS GABRIEL BYRNE into so much SHIT, who recomposes himself and attacks again, only to be blown into more SHIT. The cycle repeats.
Look! It's Terminator 2!
Finally, the CGI SATAN leaves the carcass of GABRIEL BYRNE and enters ARNIE instead.
Are you okay, Arnie?
No, now I am possessed by CGI SATAN. You can tell because I am acting differently.
No, you're not.
(desperately trying to act differently)
Yes.. YES, I AM.... ARRRGHHH.... I....
ARNIE'S HEAD EXPLODES, and CGI SATAN flees back to HELL.
So remember, audience; sometimes guns aren't the answer, but right up until the last possible minute they are. Smart people are evil, and only terrible acting can save us from Hell on Earth. Merry Christmas!!
The TOKEN BRIDE and ROD STEIGER flash their BREASTS.