The Abridged Script
EXT. LOS ASSGELES, SMELLIFORNIA, UNITED TAINTS OF ALLRIGHTWHOCUTTHECHEESEICA
YOUNG MATT DAMON sits with a NUN atop a HEAP OF FECES as they gaze skyward at the orbiting Utopia that is ELYSIUM.
Sister, why is life on Elysium so awesome, while life here is so much congealed puke?
Our world is a metaphor, child. A great and wonderous metaphor that deftly critiques the social inequality of the early 21st century by magnifying it eleventy-two million times.
Besides, although Elysium may seem beautiful to us, just imagine how beautiful WE look... to THEM.
Are you fucking high? We live in filth, breathe dirt, and for lunch today I had dogshit with a side of crotch rot. Meanwhile up in Elysium they have no disease, no crime, no hunger, comprehensive Wifi... plus I hear they get triple loyalty reward points on EVERYTHING.
TRIPLE points? Assholes.
(reaches into bag)
Here, take this locket with a picture of Earth, so you never forget where you came from.
...In case I ever forget that I'm from EARTH?? You do know this is the version WITHOUT aliens, right?
YOUNG MATT plays with YOUNG ALICE BRAGA so that later on, he has a reason not to let 90% of humanity continue to suffer in abject misery.
INT. MATT'S HOUSE, BALLSWEAT HILLS, LOS ASSGELES - YEARS LATER
GROWN-UP MATT prepares for his CRAPPY DAY at his CRAPPY JOB in his house made of CRAP.
It's amazing sometimes when I think of how nothing has changed since I was a kid. Elysium remains perched above us, its gleaming spokes like a kaleidoscope of middle fingers aiming their fuck-yous square in our face. While planetside, we are still not allowed to own anything colourful or shiny.
He goes to wait for a BUS because OH DEAR GOD WHAT NIGHTMAREISH HELLSCAPE IS THIS, MATT DAMON IS TAKING PUBLIC TRANSIT FOR GOD'S SAKE, HOW IS THIS NOT RATED ULTRA SUPER X, THINK OF THE CHILDREN
Where the fuck did all the paved roads go? Did we pawn them to pay for our tattoo habit?
PROTAGONIST DETECTED. ACTIVATE PETTY HARASSMENT MODE.
Hey c'mon, I have sarcastic charm! This model has sarcastic-charm receptors, right?
NEGATIVE. ACTIVATE POLICE BRUTALITY MODE.
(breaks Matt's arm)
AAAARGH DAMMIT I HAVE REC-LEAGUE FLOOR HOCKEY TONIGHT YOU BASTARD!!
INT. CRIME LAIR, YUCKY CORRIDOR, LOS ASSGELES
WAGNER MOURA, playing a techno-rebel with tons of videoscreens named SPIDER because MISTER UNIVERSE was already taken, loads a bunch of DESPERATE RABBLE onto his SHUTTLES.
Don't forget to get stamped with your fake DNA signature! That way when your graffitti-covered shuttles make their illegal landings on Elysium and you stumble out in your peasant rags, everyone will be TOTALLY fooled.
JODIE FOSTER is welcoming a fresh batch of RICH ASSHATS when an AIDE approaches.
Excuse me, Madame Secretary of Defence, but there are three unauthorized shuttlecraft approaching and apparently we have no defences. Which I guess makes you Secretary of Jack Shit, but anyway, what are your orders?
Jodie, are you sure you know what you're doing?
Vye yes, I am protektink
our hab-i-tat from...
No, I mean what the fuck is with all the accents.
I am to be demonstrating
my cosmopolitan nature,
gained from living in this
Oookay. This movie is going to be an utter fucking debacle, isn't it? Excuse me a moment, I left something in the airlock.
(launches self into space)
Back on EARTH, SHARLTO COPLEY gets his orders and fires some MISSILES towards the departing shuttles.
There, I'm sure one missile per shuttle will do it. Although maybe I should wait to make sure they hit their targ
TWO SHUTTLES get BLOWN THE FUCK UP but one of them hits on the genius idea of DODGING! It makes it through the ATMOSPHERIC BARRIER thanks to the barrier NOT EVEN FUCKING EXISTING and LANDS ON ELYSIUM!
(rushing from shuttle)
Must get my sick child to a medi-table!
Must cure her!
Huh. So the rest of the movie is the main character trying to achieve what an incidental character just pulled off in five minutes. Weird.
POOR MOM and POOR KID are CAPTURED and sent home with the others, along with no hint whatsoever of any special punishment for commandeering a medi-table, so WAY TO GO ELYSIUM YOU HEARTLESS FUCKING ASSHOLES.
INT. HOSPITAL, STENCHO PARK, LOS ASSGELES
MATT goes to get his BROKEN ARM HEALED and his NURSE just so happens to be...
Alice, what a coincidence!
Oh, not really. When we were picking shifts I chose "any time Matt Damon is in trouble". So I'll see you back here...
...about eight scenes from now. Toodles!
INT. PAROLE OFFICE, SKIDMARK ROW, LOS ASSGELES
MATT dutifully reports to his ROBOTIC PAROLE OFFICER that has been painstakingly engineered to do all the complex interaction of a SCREEN.
ROBOT PAROLE OFFICER
PROTAGONIST DETECTED. ACTIVATE REPRESSIVE CYCLE OF INJUST SOCIETY MODE.
(rotates head to "frowny" side)
Why the fuck did anyone even build you?
INT. FACTORY, MONTESHITTY HEIGHTS, LOS ASSGELES
MATT arrives for his CRAPPY JOB at the factory run by RICH WILLIAM FICHTNER.
You can tell I am rich because of my nice suit, perfect hair, neural memory chip, and oh yeah I have the word "riche" LITERALLY CARVED INTO MY FACE, because subtlety went and fucked itself senseless a half hour ago. God, there's probably dollar signs etched on my nuts.
It's weird how you're not even attempting to get me to spend my meagre paycheck right back at you. This world should really be one giant McDonaldland.
No, silly, us Elysiumites may be maniacal profit-whores, but it's not like there's ever been good money in selling cheap crap to poor people... hm, wait a sec.
Get a goddamn Wal-Mart down here NOW.
INT. ELYSIUM - FUTURISTIC POLITICAL CHAMBER THINGIE
JODIE is being questioned by PRESIDENT SUCKBAG McLIMPDICK.
Why don't we start with why you had someone on Earth fire missiles towards us, instead of someone on Elysium fire missiles AWAY from us.
I had to
Okay if I hear one more of your fuckdiculous line readings I'm going to hurl. Hearing concluded!
INT. ELYSIUM - A CORRIDOR
JODIE meets up with WILLIAM FICHTNER and presses the BUTTON that activates the corridor's RAVE MODE.
I see, the flashing red lights and constant noise will make sure nobody else hears this. Of course, I can barely fucking hear you either. I assume you want to orchestrate some kind of coup?
Hmm, assassination isn't really my thing. But I could write a devious program that hacks into the Elysium central core, clicks the drop-down menu on "GIVE ALL POWER TO", and selects "JODIE". If I do this for you, can I have lots of money?
INT. MATT'S FACTORY JOB
Frustrated with the lack of advancement opportunity, MATT tries using a blast chamber to promote himself to DOCTOR MANHATTAN but only succeeds in getting RADIATION POISONING.
YOU HAVE FIVE DAYS TO LIVE. TAKE THREE ASPIRIN AND CALL ME IN A WEEK. HAR. HAR.
Huh? Why isn't there a medi-table in this facility? Then you could heal me and have me back at work in mere minutes, instead of days of me sucking at work until I die, then wasting more time finding a new guy and training him.
Sorry, Matt, there are strict regulations that place being evil even above our own self-interest. Here, have some coffee, which I dropped my 14-carat gold watch into, just to ruin your coffee.
INT. WAGNER MOURA'S HQ
MATT wakes up on a TABLE.
What the hell happened? I was at work...
MATT'S THIEF BUDDY
Hi Matt! Remember me, your thief buddy that you used to thieve with back when we were buddies? Anyway, you fainted and the plot needed a way to get you here, so I exist.
You're in bad shape, Matt. The radiation poisoning is weakening your bones and draining all your energy. The good news is, I've given you a neural memory chip, and a clunky metal exoskeleton!
Great, now I have triple the weight to support with my no energy. Plus, this doesn't reinforce the bones themselves, and it's only attached as strongly as your hand-held power drill could make it. One decent impact and it'll either rip loose or snap all my bones in half.
All true. But for the purposes of this movie, you are now Wolverine.
Thanks, I guess. Anyone care to explain why you also attached a constant readout to the back of my head that I cannot even fucking see?
Oh that's not for you. That's in case someone standing behind you in line wants to play Candy Crush.
So now I've helped you, you can help me. I want to steal data from Fichtner's brain-chip, to help me smuggle people onto Elysium.
Have you tried NOT sending up overtagged junkheaps stuffed with smelly hobos? Maybe offer a shower along with the fake DNA stamp? Or hey, how about hiding on a legitimate shuttle?
(sees blank stares)
Fine, let's do this.
EXT. VOMIT KNOLLS, LOS ASSGELES
MATT, his THIEF BUDDY, and some of WAGNER MOURA'S GANG lie in wait for WILLIE RICHTNER.
Ah, off to topple a government with the evil program in my brain-chip. Really, the only way this could go wrong would be if I recently pissed off an employee with connections to a heavily-armed street gang possessing advanced technology, but how contrived would THAT be.
He gets in his SNAZZY FERRARI PLANE but is SHOT DOWN by MATT!
Oh shit! Computer, deploy exactly one of my two robot guards!
MATT uses a FUTURE GUN to TOTALLY FRAG the ROBOT GUARD!
Quick, deploy second guard! Dammit, I should REALLY have sprung for the two-guards-at-once model.
MATT RIPS THE HEAD off the other ROBOT GUARD!
Okay Matt, just let us know when you're tired of doing everything yourself. Or need cannon fodder, whichever. We'll be over here.
MATT gets the PROGRAM out of WILLIAM'S BRAIN but then SHARLTO shows up!
Now you must face ME! Me, AND my two henchmen, AND my several dozen crazy weapons that can kill at the touch of a button, which I will use against everyone except Matt. Also I have a sword! And an energy shield! Holy fuck I must have sure rolled well on the building points table.
A FIREFIGHT breaks out that KILLS WILL and all the GANG MEMBERS! Then SHARLTO TOTALLY STABS MATT!
PROTAGONIST DETECTED. ACTIVATING MINOR WOUND MODE.
While MATT writhes in pain, SHARLTO STABS THIEF BUDDY!
SECONDARY CHARACTER DETECTED. ACTIVATING FATAL BLOW MODE.
NOOO!!! THIEEEF BUDDYYY!!!!
MATT staggers over to the HOSPITAL and, being in TROUBLE, immediately finds ALICE BRAGA.
INT. ALICE BRAGA'S PLACE, CESSPOOL PARK, LOS ASSGELES
Thanks for bringing me here, Alice. The hospital's not safe, and I'm sure you can treat me just as well in this dilapidated apartment.
Lucky for you I have a terribly sick child, such that I built an entire E.R. in my kitchen.
That should do it. But just to be sure, let's get you to my bathtub where I keep the CT scanner. Then maybe some X-Rays in the broom closet, and I'll need to book you a follow-up appointment with the physiotherapy department stuffed in my sock drawer.
No, I should go before you get in trouble for helping a known fugitive. I can't let that happen!
MATT and his FULLY VISIBLE METAL EXOSKELETON proceed to craftily PARADE OUT THE FRONT DOOR and are IMMEDIATELY SPOTTED by one of SHARLTO'S FLYING ROOMBAS.
I wonder if I should warn Alice that I was just filmed leaving her house, and either the cops or Sharlto should be breaking down her door any
INT. BACK TO WAGNER MOURA'S HQ
Geez, Matt, you okay? I saw on the news how everyone I sent with you got killed by a crazed mercenary and the police are scouring the city for anyone connected to Fichtner's death. So I've been, y'know, chilling. How about you?
I have all this knowledge crammed into my head and I don't know what to do with it.
BEARDED ROBIN WILLIAMS
It's not your fault.
Piss off! Wagner, what did I download into my brain?
Let's have a look...
A-ha, it's a program that will reboot the blah blah instant-win blah can't stop the signal blah. Also there's a subroutine that would have given Fichtner top billing for the first time ever. Sneaky devil.
I'll have to trade it in exchange for my life. Off I go...
Hey, did you just put a homing device on my back? Did you, the character named "Spider", just put a goddamn Spider-Tracker on me?
(has clone saga)
EXT. PLAYA DEL RETCH, LOS ASSGELES
MATT sends a message by way of ELABORATELY DISGUISED LIAM NEESON to summon SHARLTO.
Alright Sharlto, listen up! In exchange for the program, I demand to board your ship with you, your henchmen, AND all your weapons, so you can fly me up to Elysium, get me past security somehow, put me on a medi-table and heal me!
I can't even count all the unnecessary risks in that plan. Shouldn't you demand that I bring a medi-table down here instead? In fact, shouldn't you have demanded that I have one with me right now?
Probably, yes! Anyway I've got a live grenade, and it's not like you have any leverage!
But I do! Look, I kidnapped Alice and her kid!
Shouldn't you demand that I give you the program right this second, or you'll kill them? Or at least get me to throw away the grenade?
Probably, yes! But I choose neither. Let's go!
Sweet Jesus but you two are the worst negotiators of all time.
They fly to ELYSIUM but just before landing, the HENCHMEN make a grab for the grenade! It EXPLODES but luckily confines its damage to the SHIP'S HULL and SHARLTO'S ENTIRE FUCKING FACE!!! They CRASH!!
INT. ELYSIUM - OPERATING ROOM
Ugh... how long have I been out? Surely long enough for my exoskeleton to have been removed... huh, it's still there.
Hi! My kid and I are here too, in this operating theatre, improbably.
Whoops, that really makes no fucking sense. Let me lock you in a supply closet while we regrow Sharlto's face.
What, seriously? You do realize a catastrophic trauma like that would have fried his brain...
No, we sure as fuck don't!
JODIE arrives to confront SHARLTO.
AGHAGAH SHAAHHLTO WHAAHT AH YOU DOING AH NEED THAH PROHGRAAHM AHHAHAGAHGH LET OFF SOME STEEAHHM BEHNNEHHT
At least I use the same impossibly thick accent through the whole movie, dammit!
Hang on, Jodie. I can patch you up and...
No, that not you do.
Even though I have showed zero remorse this entire time, I am now filled with remorse.
Now it's my turn to seize control of Elysium! Let's begin by destroying every means available of controlling Elysium!
SHARLTO and his HENCHMEN start merrily prancing about KILLING POLITICIANS and BLOWING UP CONTROL ROOMS all willy-nilly, not unlike trying to jack a car by SHREDDING THE TIRES and RIPPING THE ENGINE OUT.
WHERE THE FUCK DID ALL OUR SECURITY FORCES GO ARRRRRRRGHHHH
INT. BACK IN THE OPERATING ROOM
Damn, about to be lobotomized before the big finale! How did Arnie deal with this in Total Recall?
Oh yeah, he broke free.
MATT beats up the DOCTORS and heads out to confront SHARLTO!
(firing huge gun)
CORRIDOR FIGHT! I'm gonna shoot the living fuck out of your corridor!!
(firing huger gun)
AWW YEAHHH I am making total Swiss cheese out of YOUR stupid corridor!!
Now let's retreat while the judges determine who did the most corridor damage. But I think we BOTH know I OWNED this round, son!
The HELL you did, your corridor strafing was WAY technically unsound! It's HEEL, TOE, BURST-OF-RAIL-GUN-FIRE, fucknuts! Oh hey, my henchmen are dead.
INT. ONLY UNDAMAGED CORRIDOR IN ALL ELYSIUM
MATT finds ALICE, her KID.... and WAGNER MOURA!
Wagner! Did you use all this chaos to sneak on board?
Actually I landed before all that, but nobody stopped me because the one guy in charge of spotting intruders went and airlocked himself back in the first act. Then I put all the security robots into "jerking it" mode using the secret override password of HERPY DERP DERP
Nice! Okay, Alice, you and your kid find a medi-table. Me and Wagner will go look for an action-movie cliche to wrap things up with.
They race past a VOLCANO'S EDGE and an ABANDONED FACTORY before settling on a SUSPENDED CATWALK.
Now we fight! Again! And this time I've got an exoskeleton too!
My gosh, how did you recover from the surgery so quickly?
Huh? What surgery? I just put it on.
Ha ha, I've ripped off your brain display thingie, which... does what exactly?
Dunno, I can still move and talk but somehow I am defeated. Now I, too, shall swing abruptly from power-mad to death-wish!
(plummets to death)
MATT plugs in and REBOOTS THE SYSTEM with his BRAIN! Also he FUCKING DIES because this is SERIOUS MEANINGFUL SHIT, yo!
Everyone hold it right there! I finally got the robots to stop masturbating and we're here to arrest you.
END OF MOVIE DETECTED. ACTIVATE SIMPLISTIC RESOLUTION MODE.
CANNOT... ARREST... CITIZENS...
A space station full of rich douchebags and our security can't take any action against any of them? What the hell's the point of that?!
Who knows? Meanwhile, the program made everyone on Earth citizens of Elysium! Who's in charge NOW?
Well, still me, I suppose. But now I'm President of Elysium AND Earth. Thanks! I hereby decree that anyone who doesn't suck my dick on command will instantly lose citizenship and can fuck off to jail.
ELYSIUM launches its fleet of MEDICAL SHUTTLES and CURES THE WHOLE EARTH along with ALICE'S KID. Then it launches its fleets of STEADY EMPLOYMENT SHUTTLES and SOCIAL INFRASTRUCTURE SHUTTLES and PUBLIC SERVICES SHUTTLES and SUSTAINABLE ENERGY SHUTTLES and, okay, I guess first off they should send the AGRICULTURAL TERRAFORMING SHUTTLES and WATER PURIFICATION SHUTTLES, though we don't want to wait too long to send the FULL HUMAN RIGHTS SHUTTLES, but of course without POLITICAL ENFRANCHISEMENT SHUTTLES we can't... okay, hang on... um...