"Yeah, yeah, it's amazing. Now take the picture and give me the peanut, lady."


"Yeah, yeah, it's amazing. Now take the picture and give me the peanut, lady."
This script is a contribution from a hopeful author. Please rate the script at the bottom and leave constructive feedback, it's extremely valuable.

EAT, PRAY, LOVE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK

JULIA ROBERTS mopes around with pal VIOLA DAVIS.

JULIA ROBERTS

I am a successful and wealthy writer. Despite this, I am unhappy.

VIOLA DAVIS

And I am your down-to-earth best friend. As the sole voice of reason in your life, I am the only person who will ever make a clever observation about your blind self-obsession.

(immediately disappears forever)

JULIA ROBERTS talks to her overgrown man-child husband, BILLY CRUDUP.

JULIA ROBERTS

I want a divorce.

BILLY CRUDUP

Waaaaah!

JULIA ROBERTS gets a DIVORCE, then goes to a PLAY where she watches JAMES FRANCO act badly.

JAMES FRANCO

Julia, I know I have no talent or personality, but I'm really handsome! Also, I'm attracted to you for apparently no reason at all.

JULIA ROBERTS

Now that I've set a World Record for Fastest Divorce Ever, jumping into a committed relationship with a man I've just met seems like a great idea!

JAMES FRANCO

Yay! Your marital problems are over, and you've found a new boy toy! Happily ever after, right?

JULIA ROBERTS

Actually, I'm still unhappy. The only way to fix this is to dump you, quit my job, and spend a year traveling to exotic destinations, which thankfully I can afford. God, my life is miserable.

EXT. ITALY

JULIA ROBERTS meets fellow foreigner TUVA NOVOTNY.

TUVA NOVOTNY

Let's be friends, eat good food, and get fat!

JULIA ROBERTS

Great idea! This will make me relatable to real women everywhere.

JULIA ROBERTS eats one SPAGHETTI NOODLE, one bite of PIZZA, and one molecule of ITALIAN ICE.

ITALIAN EXTRAS

Thanks for portraying the richness and variety of our culture in exactly three stereotypes.

JULIA ROBERTS' WAISTLINE expands from Size 2 to Size 2.01.

JULIA ROBERTS

Healthy women shouldn't be worried about their body image. That's why I'm happy, even though I am so totally obese now.

(pause)

Oh wait, I'm still unhappy. But at least I've learned to EAT!

DIRECTOR RYAN MURPHY

Level unlocked: India!

INT. INDIAN COMMUNE

JULIA ROBERTS meets fellow American RICHARD JENKINS.

JULIA ROBERTS

I'm still feeling miserable about my ex.

RICHARD JENKINS

The ex-husband you divorced, or the ex-boyfriend you dumped?

JULIA ROBERTS

They're kind of interchangeable, so take your pick.

RICHARD JENKINS

Okay, then. Here's where you'll find your next step in your journey of self-discovery.

JULIA ROBERTS

Hmm, will I have to learn about myself by helping people who are suffering from crushing poverty or afflicted with society's ills?

RICHARD JENKINS

Nah, mostly you're just going to meditate.

JULIA ROBERTS

Thank goodness! For a minute there, I thought I was going to have to think about someone other than me!

JULIA ROBERTS meditates, meaning she concentrates really hard on NOTHING. This goes on for WAY TOO LONG, until she talks to RUSHITA SINGH.

RUSHITA SINGH

I am a 16-year old Indian girl who yearns to go to college. Instead, my parents are forcing me into an arranged marriage.

JULIA ROBERTS

That's sad.

RUSHITA SINGH

Hopefully my plight will make you finally understand how fortunate you are. Really, Julia, you're the fucking poster child for first world problems.

JULIA ROBERTS

My wedding gift is: I prayed for you to be happy in your forced marriage!

RUSHITA SINGH

Gee, thanks. A plane ticket out of here would have been nice, too. Hell, even a cheap set of china...

JULIA ROBERTS

Actually, if you refer to your script, you'll see that you're supposed to be extremely grateful to me just now.

RUSHITA SINGH

Are you shitting me? What kind of colonialist bullshit...

JULIA ROBERTS

And, back to me.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROOFTOP

RICHARD JENKINS

Time for my big reveal! I am a former alcoholic who nearly killed my own child in an accident, causing my wife and son to leave me. I have spent years trying to forgive myself.

JULIA ROBERTS

I broke the heart of a self-centered, immature spouse. I have spent months feeling sorry for myself.

ROBERT JENKINS

Oh yes, yours is sooo much worse. Stay up here and forgive yourself.

BILLY CRUDUP appears in a vision.

JULIA ROBERTS

I'm sorry you're still desperately in love with me.

BILLY CRUDUP

Wait, aren't you technically just imagining that I'm hopelessly in love with you, even though you kicked me to the curb? That's a little arrogant.

JULIA ROBERTS

Whatever! I feel better now, and I've learned to PRAY!

JULIA ROBERTS is rewarded with a MAGICAL FUCKING ENCOUNTER with an ELEPHANT.

DIRECTOR RYAN MURPHY

Level unlocked: Indonesia!

EXT. INDONESIA

JULIA ROBERTS meets CHRISTINE HAKIM.

CHRISTINE HAKIM

I'm an Indonesian doctor/medicine woman, but I can't afford a house of my own.

JULIA ROBERTS

White lady to the rescue!

JULIA ROBERTS writes a bunch of LETTERS to her FIRST-WORLD FRIENDS.

JULIA ROBERTS

Dear friends, my birthday's coming up! Instead of buying me presents, I'd like you to donate money on my behalf.

JULIA'S FRIENDS

Seeing as you're a few thousand miles away, we weren't actually planning on getting you anything. But now that you've made us feel guilty...

(they all fork over cash)

JULIA ROBERTS gives the money to CHRISTINE HAKIM, then visits spiritual teacher HADI SUBIYANTO.

HADI SUBIYANTO

Julia, I will guide you in this final step of your journey. Instead of payment, I want you to transcribe these scrolls of ancient wisdom. All I ask is that you never, ever take them from my home.

JULIA ROBERTS

What in my history of self-centered, self-important behavior makes you think I would obey you?

JULIA ROBERTS takes the SCROLLS out of HADI SUBIYANTO'S HOUSE and PHOTOCOPIES them.

JULIA ROBERTS

See? I did what you wanted, but I used superior Western technology to accomplish it in 10 minutes! Aren't you grateful?

HADI SUBIYANTO

Did it ever occur to you that the process of copying by hand is what makes these works valuable? Or that I was trying to teach you wisdom through a laborious task? Or that your attitude towards indigenous people is kind of fucked up?

JULIA ROBERTS

Nope, never gave it a thought. And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go hang out with some rich Europeans!

JULIA ROBERTS goes to a PARTY and meets JAVIER BARDEM.

JAVIER BARDEM

Hello, darling. Seeing as we've just met, how about some romance, darling?

JULIA ROBERTS

Hold on, why is an impulsive relationship with you any different than the relationships I traveled the world to escape?

JAVIER BARDEM

Because I have an accent and overuse the word 'darling', darling. Also I'm still upset about my own long-ago divorce, so I can add my emotional baggage to yours!

JULIA ROBERTS

Wow, that doesn't sound like a recipe for disaster or anything.

JAVIER BARDEM

Darling, I love you!

JULIA ROBERTS

No, Javier! The whole point of this overly-long journey is that true happiness comes from loving yourself. I don't need a man to complete me.

(pause)

Haha, just kidding! You're what I need to complete me! Blah, blah, blah, LOVE!

END

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