EAT, PRAY, LOVE
The Abridged Script
EXT. NEW YORK
JULIA ROBERTS mopes around with pal VIOLA DAVIS.
I am a successful and wealthy writer. Despite this, I am unhappy.
And I am your down-to-earth best friend. As the sole voice of reason in your life, I am the only person who will ever make a clever observation about your blind self-obsession.
(immediately disappears forever)
JULIA ROBERTS talks to her overgrown man-child husband, BILLY CRUDUP.
I want a divorce.
JULIA ROBERTS gets a DIVORCE, then goes to a PLAY where she watches JAMES FRANCO act badly.
Julia, I know I have no talent or personality, but I'm really handsome! Also, I'm attracted to you for apparently no reason at all.
Now that I've set a World Record for Fastest Divorce Ever, jumping into a committed relationship with a man I've just met seems like a great idea!
Yay! Your marital problems are over, and you've found a new boy toy! Happily ever after, right?
Actually, I'm still unhappy. The only way to fix this is to dump you, quit my job, and spend a year traveling to exotic destinations, which thankfully I can afford. God, my life is miserable.
JULIA ROBERTS meets fellow foreigner TUVA NOVOTNY.
Let's be friends, eat good food, and get fat!
Great idea! This will make me relatable to real women everywhere.
JULIA ROBERTS eats one SPAGHETTI NOODLE, one bite of PIZZA, and one molecule of ITALIAN ICE.
Thanks for portraying the richness and variety of our culture in exactly three stereotypes.
JULIA ROBERTS' WAISTLINE expands from Size 2 to Size 2.01.
Healthy women shouldn't be worried about their body image. That's why I'm happy, even though I am so totally obese now.
Oh wait, I'm still unhappy. But at least I've learned to EAT!
DIRECTOR RYAN MURPHY
Level unlocked: India!
INT. INDIAN COMMUNE
JULIA ROBERTS meets fellow American RICHARD JENKINS.
I'm still feeling miserable about my ex.
The ex-husband you divorced, or the ex-boyfriend you dumped?
They're kind of interchangeable, so take your pick.
Okay, then. Here's where you'll find your next step in your journey of self-discovery.
Hmm, will I have to learn about myself by helping people who are suffering from crushing poverty or afflicted with society's ills?
Nah, mostly you're just going to meditate.
Thank goodness! For a minute there, I thought I was going to have to think about someone other than me!
JULIA ROBERTS meditates, meaning she concentrates really hard on NOTHING. This goes on for WAY TOO LONG, until she talks to RUSHITA SINGH.
I am a 16-year old Indian girl who yearns to go to college. Instead, my parents are forcing me into an arranged marriage.
Hopefully my plight will make you finally understand how fortunate you are. Really, Julia, you're the fucking poster child for first world problems.
My wedding gift is: I prayed for you to be happy in your forced marriage!
Gee, thanks. A plane ticket out of here would have been nice, too. Hell, even a cheap set of china...
Actually, if you refer to your script, you'll see that you're supposed to be extremely grateful to me just now.
Are you shitting me? What kind of colonialist bullshit...
And, back to me.
Time for my big reveal! I am a former alcoholic who nearly killed my own child in an accident, causing my wife and son to leave me. I have spent years trying to forgive myself.
I broke the heart of a self-centered, immature spouse. I have spent months feeling sorry for myself.
Oh yes, yours is sooo much worse. Stay up here and forgive yourself.
BILLY CRUDUP appears in a vision.
I'm sorry you're still desperately in love with me.
Wait, aren't you technically just imagining that I'm hopelessly in love with you, even though you kicked me to the curb? That's a little arrogant.
Whatever! I feel better now, and I've learned to PRAY!
JULIA ROBERTS is rewarded with a MAGICAL FUCKING ENCOUNTER with an ELEPHANT.
DIRECTOR RYAN MURPHY
Level unlocked: Indonesia!
JULIA ROBERTS meets CHRISTINE HAKIM.
I'm an Indonesian doctor/medicine woman, but I can't afford a house of my own.
White lady to the rescue!
JULIA ROBERTS writes a bunch of LETTERS to her FIRST-WORLD FRIENDS.
Dear friends, my birthday's coming up! Instead of buying me presents, I'd like you to donate money on my behalf.
Seeing as you're a few thousand miles away, we weren't actually planning on getting you anything. But now that you've made us feel guilty...
(they all fork over cash)
JULIA ROBERTS gives the money to CHRISTINE HAKIM, then visits spiritual teacher HADI SUBIYANTO.
Julia, I will guide you in this final step of your journey. Instead of payment, I want you to transcribe these scrolls of ancient wisdom. All I ask is that you never, ever take them from my home.
What in my history of self-centered, self-important behavior makes you think I would obey you?
JULIA ROBERTS takes the SCROLLS out of HADI SUBIYANTO'S HOUSE and PHOTOCOPIES them.
See? I did what you wanted, but I used superior Western technology to accomplish it in 10 minutes! Aren't you grateful?
Did it ever occur to you that the process of copying by hand is what makes these works valuable? Or that I was trying to teach you wisdom through a laborious task? Or that your attitude towards indigenous people is kind of fucked up?
Nope, never gave it a thought. And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go hang out with some rich Europeans!
JULIA ROBERTS goes to a PARTY and meets JAVIER BARDEM.
Hello, darling. Seeing as we've just met, how about some romance, darling?
Hold on, why is an impulsive relationship with you any different than the relationships I traveled the world to escape?
Because I have an accent and overuse the word 'darling', darling. Also I'm still upset about my own long-ago divorce, so I can add my emotional baggage to yours!
Wow, that doesn't sound like a recipe for disaster or anything.
Darling, I love you!
No, Javier! The whole point of this overly-long journey is that true happiness comes from loving yourself. I don't need a man to complete me.
Haha, just kidding! You're what I need to complete me! Blah, blah, blah, LOVE!