"Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is 'Suppressing an Erection'"


"Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is 'Suppressing an Erection'"

THE DUKES OF HAZZARD

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. HAZZARD COUNTY

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT and JOHNNY KNOXVILLE are on the run from SOME FILTHY REDNECKS.

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT

Ye-haw!

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE

Ye-haw!

NARRATOR

Welcome to the movie, folks. I'm here to narrate the film sporadically as a throwback to the TV series we're exploiting. Otherwise, I add nothing now, ya hear?

They speed away from the REDNECKS and jump over a closed road. After they land, they swerve to avoid hitting a mac truck.

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT

What the hell is a mac truck doing in the woods?

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE

Heading toward a closed road, no less.

Suddenly, they CRASH.

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT

That was fun!

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE

Yeah! Let's go do it with shopping carts in a mall parking lot!

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT

Maybe our ridiculously hot cousin would like to join!

They go to a RESTAURANT that won't be seen again for the rest of the movie.

JESSICA SIMPSON'S TITS

(through forced southern drawl)

Heya boys. Let me jus' wait up on this here table here and I'll be right up bein' with ya thurr.

CITYSLICKER RACECAR DRIVER

I'm a celebrity originally from Hazzard, but I've forgotten about my roots. This may be some kind of social commentary, but almost certainly not. Nice shorts.

JESSICA totally KICKS HIS ASS. Actually, she knocks him onto the floor so that he has a better angle from which to look up her shorts.

JESSICA SIMPSON'S TITS

I'm not just a piece of ass! Oh wait, my sole purpose in the story is to constantly be a piece of ass. But that's my choice!

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT

Don't objectify my cousin without her prior endorsement!

A FIGHT breaks out. The bar is destroyed. BURT REYNOLDS enters.

BURT REYNOLDS

Curse you, Seann William Scott and Johnny Knoxville! Even with the sheriff of the county in my pocket, I can't seem to stop you from being a thorn in my side!

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT

You know we drove a car onto private property and caused hundreds of dollars worth of damage to construction equipment, right?

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE

And then we left our illegal moonshine next to the car and walked away.

BURT REYNOLDS

If only there was something I could do...

INT. THE FARM

Everyone heads back to the FAMILY FARM and meets up with WILLIE NELSON.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE

Wow! Willie Nelson! You must be here to add some real southern credibility to this movie full of rich Hollywood assholes trying to act like good ol' boys!

WILLIE NELSON

How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?

(pause)

Someone's gonna lose a trailer.

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT

(beat)

Wow.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE

This movie isn't even trying to be entertaining, is it?

Suddenly, BURT REYNOLDS sleepwalks onto the farm and frames them for selling moonshine, which they were doing. He confiscates the farm.

BURT REYNOLDS

Apparently, in Hazzard County, breaking the law results in forfeiting your land instead of, for example, jail.

After an overlong re-creation of a scene from SUPER TROOPERS, SEANN and JOHNNY uncover a plot by BURT to strip-mine Hazzard County.

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT

I can't believe he was planning to destroy the town right under our noses! How did we not see this?

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE

You do realize we're being upstaged by a car, right?

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT

We have to stop him! And also, I have to win the race today, because that's extremely relevant!

SEANN forces the audience through yet another car chase and beats the CITYSLICKER ASSHOLE.

CITYSLICKER RACECAR DRIVER

I am beaten! Truly Hazzard county is the heart of the United States!

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT

Ye-haw!

WILLIE NELSON

Hey, what's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 45 pounds!

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE

What an awkwardly malapropos one liner!

The TOWNSPEOPLE follow them toward the COURTHOUSE. Meanwhile, DAVID KOECHNER and JESSICA SIMPSON'S TITS discover a blockade.

JESSICA SIMPSON'S TITS

Leave this to me. I have the ability to turn any man in Georgia into a pathetic, spineless, drooling moron.

DAVID KOECHNER

So, you make them drool?

Suddenly, SEANN busts through the blockade, dozens of police cars chasing him.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE

Faster, Seann! In Georgia, even if the cops know who you are, if you outrun them they have to forgive you! It's the law!

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT

Georgia is very much like Grand Theft Auto.

They arrive at the COURTHOUSE, followed by the TOWNSPEOPLE.

JUDGE

All opposed to leveling Hazzard County, say aye.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE

Just barely made it! Alright townsfolk, time to object and beat Burt Reynolds!

TOWNSPEOPLE

Object? Why? Hazzard County sucks. Didn't you just watch the movie? Even though your stereotypical hick qualities have been glorified by the film, those same qualities in us have been condemned and mocked, painting the entire town as being full of worthless idiots for laughs.

BURT REYNOLDS

What reason has the audience been given to care if this place is blown off the map other than knowing that, if it is, they won't have to endure a sequel?

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE

Oh.

JUDGE

All opposed to anyone making another movie that makes the audience actually want MORE screen time for Jessica Simpson, say aye.

EVERYONE

Aye.

JESSICA SIMPSON'S TITS

More screen time? That's so sweet! Thanks everybody.

END


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