FADE IN:

INT. DIRECTOR MIKE JANN’S HIGH SCHOOL

MICHAEL PATRICK JANN walks down the hallway. A hot, popular girl comes up to him.

POPULAR HOT CHICK

You suck. Dweeb. Ha ha.

DIRECTOR MIKE JANN

God dammit. I’ll show them.. I’ll show them all.

INT. GYMNASIUM

Superficial idiot girls run around, making fools of themselves in front of the camera, which is the camera for a documentary for no real reason except that the director liked SPINAL TAP and WAITING FOR GUFFMAN.

KIRSTIE ALLEY

I’m actually talented, doncha know.. see? I can put on this fake accent there that I stole badly from Fargo, doncha know. I’m funny, ya see.

KIRSTEN DUNST

I’m a very nice person. I have a hard life. I visit sick people. I donate to the salvation army. I give blood. I love my mother. I love life.

She smiles innocently.

AUDIENCE

I like her.

DENISE RICHARDS

I don’t.

DENISE clubs a baby seal and takes a SHIT on the grave of a war hero.

AUDIENCE

Boo. Your one dimensional meanie-ness irritates me.

A beauty contest ensues, in which mockeries are made of people who participate in them. The mockery is somewhat subtle and surrounded by darkly comic events.

AUDIENCE

Awww, this is so sad.

DIRECTOR MIKE JANN

No, no it’s not.. it’s funny.. I’m making fun of them, see?

AUDIENCE

…

DIRECTOR MIKE JANN

It’s satire.

AUDIENCE

Sure, if you say so. Dweeb.

DIRECTOR MIKE JANN

GOD DAMMIT! LIKE MY FUCKING MOVIE! LAUGH!

Suddenly, a RETARD shows up and makes general retarded motions and sounds retarded and smacks into a wall and wets himself.

AUDIENCE (cont’d):

Oh I get it! This IS a comedy! Ha ha!

The RETARD continues the antics, while SATIRE happens in the background. Eventually, DENISE wins the pageant! We sort of care, though it’s such a small town of idiots that we really don’t.. except that we want KIRSTEN to win because she’s got a HEART OF GOLD as well as NICE TITS.

WRITER LONA WILLIAMS

(after winning second place in a beauty pageant herself)

Umm.. she doesn’t represent me.. really. I’m not bitter.

After DENISE has won and the main line of action has been resolved, we think the movie is over… but it isn’t.

EXT. PARADE IN THE STREETS

DENISE gets onto a large SWAN drenched with gasoline. It EXPLODES. Some SHIT happens that sucks for the shallow people in the film.

WRITER LONA WILLIAMS

HA HA! FUCK YOU! DIE! FUCKING SHALLOW BITCHES! GO TO HELL!

DIRECTOR MIKE JANN

YEAH! FUCKERS! THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO PANTS ME AND RUN MY UNDERWEAR UP THE FLAG POLE! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU ALL!

The AUDIENCE wipes off some of the liquid angst that has spilled onto them from the film.

KIRSTEN goes on to win another pageant. We think the movie is over again, but it isn’t.

EXT. THE OUTSIDE OF A COSMETICS HQ

The place is closed down, nobody wins. EVERYONE LOSES.

DIRECTOR MIKE JANN

THAT’S WHAT YOU FUCKING GET! HA HA! Maybe you should be less shallow and care about important things like dull satire films.

The Beauty Queen With a Heart of Gold gets back on the bus. We are then treated to cliche epilogues about all of the characters in the film, and eventually KIRSTEN does win because she becomes a news anchor!

AUDIENCE

Hooray! She deserved it because of her spunk and perseverance! As well as her excellent tits!

END