The Abridged Script
FADE IN ANGRY:
EXT. SPRAWLING CGI HELL LANDSCAPE
NICOLAS CAGE ESCAPES HELL by STEALING A CAR, because HELL is just a slightly more intense version of DETROIT, or something.
Well, that takes care of ONE of the only two certain things in life! What was the other one again?
...oh right, the reason I'm making 80 movies a year.
I can't believe I was damned for all eternity just for my poor gas mileage and mildly sluggish handling! Thank you, Nicolas Cage!
NICOLAS CAGE DRIVES ANGRY at some THUGS until they CRASH ANGRY!
Die, awful thugs, die! And be sure you do it in 3-D!!
Please just make it quick, so we don't have to see whatever stupid hair you've chosen for this movie...
Too late! It's... oh God, it's greasy mid-length bleach blonde on top with brown facial stubble! Aauugh!!
Look, my endless parade of ridiculous hairstyles is the only way I can remember which godawful crapfest I'm currently doing, all right? You're lucky I didn't go with flowing green locks and a black Fu Manchu moustache.
NICOLAS CAGE BLOWS UP the THUGS, along with his CAR.
AAAGGH BACK TO HELL WITH MEEEE!!!! DAMN YOU, NICOLAS CAGE!
Hey there, hon. What can I get you?
I'm glad you asked. You see, where the script would normally have my characterization, the writers just put "NICK CAGE DOES WEIRD NICK CAGE STUFF". So kindly add 30,000 sugars into my two-ounce coffee while I tongue-rape your face.
Well that takes care of that. Now I was wondering, who owns that immaculately polished 1970s Dodge Charger outside?
(rinsing mouth with iodine)
I'm not sure. Despite being present-day trailer trash, everyone round here drives expensive souped-up vintage cars. I suppose it could be Amber Heard's.
Which one is she?
Here's a clue; she's the only one here who looks like a Hollywood starlet. Over there, being sexually harrassed by Jack McGee.
Dammit, Jack, why do you keep sexually harrassing me?!
One, it's a tired stereotype. Two, the existence of such characters helps keep me employed. And three, it's a tired stereotype.
Although in real life I'd sue your whole business out from under you, I choose instead to throw all my money in your face and then quit! So there! See how you like having more money!!
AMBER HEARD DRIVES OFF ANGRY! Meanwhile, NICOLAS CAGE develops his character some more by SNORTING ROTTEN SCRAMBLED EGGS and ROLLING IN MONKEY FECES, then FOLLOWS ANGRY.
Oh shoot, my car died on me.
(emerging from forest)
Allow me to fix your engine by twisting the wiper fluid cap a quarter-inch. In exchange I need a lift.
With a total stranger offering such a creepy solution to my obviously staged crisis, how can I refuse?
EXT. TRAILER PARK
Thanks for the ride, Amber. I must go now, on my dark quest.
Guess since I have no reason to leave here, that's the end of my role.
What the...?!? My fiance is cheating on me, who'd a thunk it!!
Hey, I'm the co-writer, why NOT give myself a scene having sex with some random hot chick? After all, YOUR contract has a no-nudity clause.
NICOLAS beats up TODD and he and AMBER LEAVE ANGRY! No sooner have they gone than WILLIAM FICHTNER shows up in a nice suit.
Hello, everyone. I'm called The Accountant, because it's one of the few remaining ordinary job titles that hasn't yet been appropriated by some action character or other. Anyway, my mission is to be seven thousand times cooler than anything else in this movie, and I'm already overachieving. So much so, that I'm having trouble managing to fit myself anywhere into the story.
You're a demon, right? You could try to kill Nicolas Cage.
Well, that's a little obvious, but it's a start, I guess. Meantimes I'll establish my badass credentials by killing the fuck out of you!
INT. ROADSIDE BAR
PRUITT TAYLOR VINCE
Nicolas Cage! I thought you were DEAD! I remember your lifeless corpse being torn limb from limb! In fact, here's a copy of your death certificate, a newspaper article describing the incident, and an oil painting I did commemorating the event.
I sense there is something peculiar going on.
Don't worry about that. Instead, let's begin developing our romantic chemistry! I thought I'd start things off by fucking a random waitress. Cool? Okay, see you later.
INT. ROADSIDE MOTEL ROOM
NICOLAS CAGE is allegedly having SEX even though he is SITTING COMPLETELY IMMOBILE AND HAS EVERY LAST SHRED OF HIS CLOTHES STILL ON.
(nakedly grinding Nicolas)
For THIS, I took four years of acting classes.
Suddenly A BUNCH OF THUGS RUSH IN!!.... ONE AT A TIME!!!
ORDERLY LINEUP OF THUGS
We've got you now! Each of us brought exactly one thing to throw angry at you in 3D!
NICOLAS CAGE begins KILLING ALL THE THUGS!
Damn, no wonder we can't hit Nicolas Cage, we keep aiming straight at the camera.
Nick, how about you tell me what the fuck is going on?
Years ago I died and went to Hell. But my infant granddaughter is in danger from an evil cult so I came back from the dead to save her.
See, that wasn't so hard, was it?
That's what SHE said! By which I mean, I said it, two minutes ago, in my head.
Just then COPS arrive who are under the MIND CONTROL of WILLIAM FICHTNER! The MIND-CONTROLLED COPS try to kill them, but AMBER HEARD knocks over a BOWLING BALL that lights a CANDLE that cuts a ROPE that releases a SWINGING BLADE that slices a SUPPORT BEAM and drops 3000-TON ANVILS on the MIND-CONTROLLED COPS!
Oh crap! Now I'm on the hook for cop murder!
Guess you'd better stick with me now, for your own safety.
Guess so. I mean, you'll be sure to clear everything up later so that I don't spend the rest of my life hiding from the law, right?
Er... yeah, of course, it says so right here. Oops, I dropped flaming gasoline all over my only copy, I can't show it to you. We should go.
NICK and AMBER are DRIVING ANGRY when WILLIAM FICHTNER PULLS UP ALONGSIDE ANGRY.
Hi, Nicolas! How's the movie going? I'm here to kill you, I think.
You can try! However, I also stole this special Hell-gun that can destroy demons like you! It has only three magic bullets in it... but clearly, firing out of a speeding car, at a target in another speeding car, is exactly the kind of high-percentage shot I have been waiting for!
Shockingly, he MISSES! Out of pity, WILLIAM FICHTNER PLUNGES ANGRY off the side of a bridge anyway.
NICOLAS CAGE PARALLEL PARKS ANGRY in front of the CHURCH.
I think the evil cult leader I'm after might be nearby. But this church has nobody in it except for a bunch of cult-like people horribly chanting the same line of a hymn over and over again, almost like they're doing it for show while they wait to capture someone.
I'd better go in there and tiptoe around them, since clearly they are some kind of museum exhibit, and not actual people who can respond to stuff.
Surprise, we're actual people who can respond to stuff!
NICOLAS gets CAPTURED ANGRY!
This is the part where the villain should really just shoot the hero in the face, but never does.
(shoots Nicolas in the face)
Huh. Damn, he must be unkillable or something. Come on, let's take Amber Heard and scram angry.
INT. EVIL RV OF DOOM
CULT DRIVER GUY
Sure is hard to drive angry in a fucking Winnebago. I'm just saying.
I suppose I'll pass the time by doing evil things to Amber Heard.
Guess again, asswipe!
AMBER HEARD begins FIGHTING THE ONLY OTHER GIRL IN THE RV while BILLY BURKE and the HALF DOZEN OTHER EVIL GUYS sit around doing FUCK ALL.
CULT GUY #1
Hey, Cult Guys #2 through #6, think we should help?
CULT GUY #5
Sorry, what? I'm doing a Hotel Management correspondence course on my smartphone. You know, in case our whole "create Hell on Earth" plan doesn't work out, thought I should have a backup.
AMBER HEARD BEATS UP the EVIL GIRL and JUMPS ANGRY OUT THE BACK WINDOW onto the HOOD OF THE DODGE CHARGER which is TAILGATING ANGRY thanks to a revived NICOLAS CAGE!
(firing 12,000 shots from his six-shooter all rapid-style)
Woo-hoo, check out my awesome trick shooting!
Fuck, I missed Amber with every shot even though she's only two feet away. At least I managed to hit the engine underneath her though, somehow. See ya, suckers!
Dammit! This car was the best character in the movie. Maybe my old friend David Morse can fix it.
AMBER and NICOLAS PUSH ANGRY the car 400 MILES to DAVID MORSE'S GARAGE while the REST OF THE PLOT comes to a COMPLETE STANDSTILL to accommodate it.
EXT. DAVID MORSE'S GARAGE SHOP
Well well, my old friend who I saw die, impossibly back from the dead. How's things?
You are one level-headed mother-fucker, David.
So, what was Hell like?
It was pure torment. I was forced to watch my only daughter being raped, degraded, and murdered, over and over again, while being powerless to stop it. It was the greatest agony imaginable. And now HER daughter... my granddaughter... is going to be sacrificed by the same cult leader that killed her.
That's the kind of soul-destroying pain that no amount of vengeance can heal.
But as long as you'll be taking vengeance anyway, why not exact that retribution...
(dramatically removes tarp)
...in your NEW CAR!!!!
CUE: PRICE IS RIGHT THEME MUSIC
WOOOO!!! OHMIGOD IT'S SO AWESOME!!! WOO-OOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
RICH FIELDS (V/O) (AND YEAH I KNOW THEY GOT A NEW ANNOUNCER, BUT FUCK THAT GUY)
Yes, it's the 1971 Chevy Chevelle, the vehicle of choice for today's retro vigilante! And it can be YOURS, if you can simply tell me if the PRICE of this car is HIGHER, or LOWER, than what you earn in a week!
LOWER!! LOWER!!! I easily earn a zillion a day and that can't possibly cost more than ten bucks! LOWER!!
You never DID enroll in that economics course I told you about, did you.
A BUNCH OF COPS are WAITING ANGRY for NICOLAS and AMBER.
When I say SHOOT THEIR TIRES, I mean SHOOT THEIR HEADS. GOT IT?!? TIRES EQUALS HEADS!! Oh, and stick around afterwards, Deputy, I need you to give me some tire.
Since you said all that at the top of your lungs, wasn't much point to your little code, huh.
CUT ANGRY TO:
Oh no, a police blockade! What can we do?
You'd think for a guy who literally escaped Hell while also stealing the Devil's favourite gun, something like evading a half dozen police cars would be the easy part. But I'm stumped.
Just then WILLIAM FICHTNER arrives in a GIANT CARTOON MARSHMALLOW SMURF TRAIN! HOORAAYYY!!!
Actually, it's just a white fuel truck. Our CGI animation sucks assballs.
The HORRIBLE CGI SUCKS SO HARD that it drags ALL THE COPS into it! Our heroes ESCAPE!!
EXT. JUST OUTSIDE THE EVIL CULT LAIR
Why'd you help us, William?
Fucked if I know. As it turns out, I'll kill Billy Burke if you don't, and I don't care if you live or die, and basically my whole motivation is a big steaming pile of bullspooge. Just go save your granddaughter or whatever.
NICOLAS CAGE DRIVES REALLY ANGRY into the EVIL CULT HIDEOUT and then DRIVES IN A BIG FAT CIRCLE SUPER EXTREMELY ANGRY!!!
THERE IS NO DEFENCE AGAINST THIS!!!!
I won't be defeated so easily!
Yes you will.
Aha, I killed him so thoroughly that I can now use his scorched skull to drink booze from, just as I promised earlier.
I am not letting you within a zillion miles of an infant.
(takes Nick's granddaughter, leaves)
It only remains to return you to Hell now, Nick.
That's all right. I'll just escape again and have further adventures.
Are you seriously implying a sequel? Does the world really need TWO franchises where you're a damned spirit from Hell wreaking vengeance with a flaming vehicle of some kind?
Buddy, I need all the royalties I can possibly get. Wanna see my prototype of Drive Angry Birds?