The Abridged Script
The FINAL FLIGHT OF THE OSIRIS plays. Everyone LEAVES.
INT. LOG CABIN
THOMAS JANE, JASON LEE, DAMIAN LEWIS, and TIMOTHY OLYPHANT enter and enjoy extended protagonist banter. A very FAT GUY enters the cabin.
Hi fellas. I will proceed to fart incessantly. This is a very good way to start a serious movie.
Welcome to our cabin. My friends and I possess psychic abilities and other powers given to us by a retarted bald kid when we were very young. No, seriously.
I am funny guy in the group. I will now use words that only have meaning in our small group - this will make us feel like your own personal gang of pals and instantly endear you to us. Or confuse you and put you to sleep.
I'm very boring, and I seem kind of stupid. Ironic for someone with superior mental powers, eh?
I seem the least quirky of the group, so I am probably the main protagonist. The four of us have psychic abilities and other bizarre stupid powers.
Suddenly, the FAT GUY craps a large slug out of his ANUS.
(falling out of seats)
Ha ha ha ha! Holy fucking shit! That's hysterical!
DIRECTOR LAWRENCE KASDAN
What? No, this is scary.
Really? Didn't it occur to you that it's a bad idea to have your movie rely on a plot point that's been in not one, but two episodes of South Park?
DAMIAN LEWIS is attacked by a RIDICULOUS LOOKING CGI monster, who takes him over.
Bwa ha ha ha! Stop! Stop! I can't take any more!
INT. SECRET GOVERNMENT TRAILER
MORGAN FREEMAN attempts to act menacing with TOM SIZEMORE.
We've been chasing these aliens for many years now. They seem to have infected a huge number of people here in Maine. We'll probably have to slaughter all of them to prevent the infection from spreading.
Wait, aliens? We've got psychics, buttslugs, and now aliens and a secret government agency? Don't you think we're pushing it a bit?
Wait until you see the inexplicable bullshit about Damian Lewis' mind.
INT. DAMIAN LEWIS' MIND
DAMIAN LEWIS sits in a locked portion of room which represents part of his mind while the ALIEN roams around and looks at his files, which represent his memories. Then DAMIAN runs out and grabs some files then runs back into his locked room, the ALIEN on his tail.
Is this symbolism? Why are things limited by their physical ability to move inside this guy's brain? What the hell is happening here?
EXT. THE WOODS
DAMIAN LEWIS (EVIL VERSION) snowmobiles away in a wholly unintimidating manner.
DAMIAN LEWIS (EVIL VERSION)
Pip pip, gov'na! I sure would fancy an infectin' of the water supply! Cheerio!
He speeds away.
The world is in trouble! There's only one person who can save us now.
The retarded boy who we met when we were young who gave us special powers and allowed us to come of age with the aid of a superhuman mental link.
THOMAS JANE grabs DONNIE WAHLBERG and takes off toward OTHER PARTS OF MAINE.
Where's Damian Lewis, boy? Come on, where is he?
The water supply? Did he fall in the well, boy?
(more cryptic driveling)
The evil alien plans to infect our water supply, thereby ensuring our planet's doom? We've got to stop him! I need to call Damian Lewis!
He uses a gun as a phone to talk to DAMIAN in his locked room. The AUDIENCE gives up and goes to sleep.
DIRECTOR LAWRENCE KASDAN
Wait wait! Don't go to sleep yet, you haven't even seen the most ludicrous part!
INT. WATER SUPPLY
THOMAS and DONNIE enter to see DAMIAN fucking with the water supply. Suddenly, DAMIAN turns into an ENORMOUS UNTEXTURED COMPUTER MODEL. In response, so does DONNIE. They FIGHT.
Wow. Somebody actually made this movie.
DONNIE wins, but is killed in the process. Everyone is safe!
We did it, Damian! We saved the world from having to die the most absurd death imaginable.
Yeah, except that all those people back at the military camp still have to die. Besides, Morgan Freeman implied these things keep coming back, so really nothing has been accomplished.
Nothing's been accomplished? We got Donnie Wahlberg killed! He was one of the New Kids!
What did any of this have to do with the god damned dreamcatcher?