The Abridged Script
INT. JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT'S APARTMENT
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT begins furiously masturbating to porn which is cropped in a way to prevent DON JON from also being porn.
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT (V.O.)
Ay, welcome to my directorial debut 'n shit. So in this'ere movie I'm addicted to porn. But I'm not some fairy about it, I get plenty of gash too, alright? I just like porn more, because real girls don't let me cover their faces with jizz at the end, imagine that.
Now I'm going to make a couple references to porn-watching that all of the guys in the audience will pretend not to get while their girlfriends watch their reactions. Fuck I hate it when they cut from the girl's tits to her snizz getting pounded and you get a huge close-up of some dude's anus. And you hate that too, so we're friends now.
INT. NIGHTCLUB - NEW JERSEY
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT, his friends ROB BROWN and JEREMY LUKE, and a FUCKTON OF AXE BODY SPRAY enter a nightclub with SLEEVELESS T-SHIRTS.
Check out that girl, white shorts. She's a 9, bro.
No bro, she's a 7. Check out that girl, pink dress. She's a 9, bro.
No bro, she's an 8. Check out that girl, blue skirt. She's a 9, bro.
No bro, she's a 6. Check out that girl, black tights. She's a 9, bro...
This goes on for FUCKING ETERNITY. Until eventually...
...no bro, she's a 7. BROS! Check out that girl, red dress! She's a 10, bro!
ROB BROWN & JEREMY LUKE
She IS a 10, bro! Sexual attractiveness confirmed, approval to bang granted!
This suffices as a meet-cute, so JOSEPH goes over to talk to the girl in the red dress and discovers she's SCARLETT JOHANSSON.
Mmmmhmm, so youa just some musclehead idiot that the movie's goin'a laugh at the entire time, huh? The Pain and Gain school of screenwriting, whateva.
No wait, I'm not just some stupid gymbro, I have real character depth, and flaws!
Like what, honey?
I'm a raging misogynist.
Yeah, mmhmm, really breaking the mold there. Whateva.
I'm addicted to porn?
...yeah okay, we can work wit dat.
They start a relationship. It starts out alright, but then SCARLETT insists on JOSEPH dressing like a grown man and bettering himself through night school, what a CUNT.
INT. JOSEPH'S PARENTS' HOUSE
JOSEPH introduces SCARLETT to his parents, GLENNE HEADLY and TONY DANZA.
Look, fuck you fucking fuckers, I'm a real actor now because I say fuck a lot and my character name isn't actually fuckin' "Tony" for once.
What is it?
"Jon", just like my son. But his friends call him Don. And mine call me Tony.
And I'm "Angela", believe it or not.
It's pronounced "Angelur."
They eat together and GLENNE takes to SCARLETT while TONY violates personal boundaries that are never mentioned again.
JOSEPH'S FRIENDS come over to have a deeply intellectual conversation about the compatibilist position on free will.
Bro, want to come out and pull some trim tonight?
Yeah, bro. Tits protein ass reps creatine lifting sexual assault!
Nah, bros. I'm going shopping for drapes with my girlfriend that I don't live with. I'm in love, and that means you guys can go fuck yourselves until we break up.
Holy crap, you are subjecting your relationship to the IKEA test this early? You're doomed, we'll be back in a couple scenes.
INT. JOSEPH'S APARTMENT
JOSEPH finally meets all of SCARLETT'S CRITERIA for intercourse, so they have sex.
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT (V.O.)
Alright look, don't get me wrong, I love crushing pussy. I mean, nothing's better than straight-up pounding that bitch's vag until it looks like a fuckin' roast beef sandwich, but it's still not better than porn. Am I endearing myself to the audience yet?
JOSEPH goes into the living room and pulls up some porn on his laptop, which makes a loud startup noise. He then proceeds to comb through hundreds of video clips to find the perfect one, all with his back turned to the bedroom SCARLETT is in. He also don't use Incognito Mode. Dude, are you new to this?
To the surprise of exactly 0% of the males in the AUDIENCE (and 8% of the females), SCARLETT catches him.
Oh my gawd were you lookin' at poan? That's disgustink! It's demeaning and sets unreasonable expectations in relationships!
I'm pretty sure we want to draw a parallel that romance films like Titanic are "porn for girls" but we aren't going to dwell on it since we're not doing a late-90's open mic act, so let's move on.
So why were you lookin' at it? Do I not satisfy you, what with me looking like an overripe vegetable poured into clothes purchased at the children's section of Walmart?
No baby, that's not it! It was a joke, a buddy e-mailed it to me to be funny. And then I clicked it as a joke, even though I saw that the address was pornhub.com/xxx/?id=jenna-jameson-gets-bukkake-double-fisted-munging-peter-north-cum-omelet-alabama-hot-pocket&view=fullscreen&volume=max!
Yeah, alright. I'm sure you'd get outta bed post-coitus and check your e-mail on your laptop, even though you have an iPhone. I believe you, baby.
You do? A carbon copy of Pauly D just outsmarted you, are you sure I'm the one who needs to go to night school?
INT. NIGHT SCHOOL CLASSROOM
JOSEPH, sexually frustrated after being caught looking at porn in his own home, wisely decides to start looking at porn in a crowded public classroom instead.
Is that porn? What are you even planning on doing with that, you're not going to start jerking off in the middle of class, are you?
Wow, a brutally honest female! Accordin' to romantic comedy conventions, I will learn who I am through you. But there's no way I can learn about myself by interacting with you unless I can also be fucking you, so I need a way to break up with Black Widow back there.
I found your poan. We're troogh, ass-hole.
That was easy.
(sucks face with Julianne)
They start a relationship. It starts out alright, but then JULIANNE insists on JOSEPH changing his hairstyle and bettering himself through giving up porn, what a SAINT.
You should probably stop watching porn.
This from the woman who is so addicted to weed that she gets too high to pay attention to the class we take together?
Look, unlike Scarlett, I don't have a stupid Joisy accent and I'm older, so this is sage wisdom instead of me being a bitch like her.
Yeah, fuck that bitch. We should have a whole scene where all I do is say fuck that bitch, so the audience is sure she's the villain. She's literally Hitler, especially compared to my charming, likeable self.
They go back to JULIANNE'S HOUSE and JOSEPH takes a bath that clearly spills water all over JULIANNE'S wood floors and anyone else who noticed that is officially AN OLD PERSON.
Joseph, stop watching porn. If you give into the cliches of the genre we're trying to pretend we aren't and truly fall in love with someone, real sex will be as good as porn.
"Real Sex"? That shit is terrible, you never see nothin' but boobs, fuck HBO.
No I mean actual sex. See, internet porn's extremely graphic nature and high availability have been shown to have serious effects on the minds of young males with regards to their attitudes and beliefs about sex and gender, but my alluding to this with one line of dialogue will be the extent of our treatment of the subject.
Oh my gawd, my eyes are opened. Porn is completely one-sided, but sex with someone you truly care about is great because it's a two-way relationship! I just have to stop being so self-absorbed and actually treat you like a human being!
And in the spirit of that revelation, let's stop putting all the attention on you for a moment and focus a bit on my own growth. See, I cry all the time because my husband and son both died only a year ago, so--
Whatever, my arc is complete. My load shot, so to speak. So we're done. G'nite.