The Abridged Script
EXT. UNDERNEATH A HOVERING SPACESHIP THAT’S THE SIZE OF A CITY BUT SOMEHOW DOES NOT EVER CAST A SHADOW ON ANYTHING
A series of INTERVIEWS is spliced together in DOCUMENTARY STYLE.
This huge spaceship filled with aliens…
…just kind of showed up one day…
A GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
…and so we stuck all the aliens in a slum…
…and left them there without food, medicine, jobs, education, or hope…
…because no one saw anything wrong with that.
A MAN CARRYING A DUCK
After all, they’re not really PEOPLE like you and me. Oh, and in case you don’t get it yet, this is all taking place in Johannesburg.
As in SOUTH AFRICA.
Just like APARTHEID.
DO YOU GET IT YET?!
INT. GENERIC OFFICE BUILDING
CUBICLES as far as the EYE can SEE.
Yeah… so the winner of our “Most Boring Company Name Ever” contest is, uhh… Multinational United so I’m gonna have to go ahead and ask you to, you know, start using that name on all your TPS Reports.
Oh, and I’m promoting my son-in-law Sharlto to head up the alien eviction program.
Yippee! I can’t wait to tell my wife whom I love with all my heart! I have so much to live for!
(turning to documentary cameras)
Starting today, we’re illegally evicting all the aliens who live in District 9 and shipping them to the even shittier District 10.
DIRECTOR/CO-SCREENWRITER NEILL BLOMKAMP
See, I told you that’d be so much easier than trying to work all these details into the dialogue.
EXT. DISTRICT 9
The eviction BEGINS, and Multinational United brings its entire MERCENARY ARMY along for the ride.
All right, what’s the most callous and evil thing you can think of to do to these aliens?
Set fire to their babies while we make jokes about abortion?
Okay, that should establish how thoroughly we’ve dehumanized these aliens. Now let’s send these bastards to District 10.
Is that the one Katniss and Peeta are from?
Hey, we were using the whole district thing way before Hunger Games made it cool!
Great, you're not just an asshole bureaucrat but a hipster one, too.
Meanwhile, in an alien house.
After twenty years, I’ve finally collected enough of this miraculous superfluid to restart our mothership!
Subtitles, really? Fuck me. What is this, an art flick?
Pay attention, kid! This fluid is the most spectacular substance in the universe. With it, we can return to our home planet!
Wow, what’s it called?
Wow, that’s some fucking lazy bullshit writing right there.
Would you rather we just call it “the fluid”?
Yes, somehow that is actually better. Hey, should we be discussing all this in front of the documentary cameras?
Uh, I think we’ve abandoned that whole mock-umentary thing.
SHARLTO busts into the house with a full documentary crew.
You were saying, dad?
Eh, just stop worrying about it. Neill Blomkamp clearly has.
(to documentary cameras)
Hey, look, that alien has a canister of fluid I’ve never seen before. Let me point it at my face.
THE ALIEN’S FLUID erupts into SHARLTO’S MOUTH, which is a LOT LESS DIRTY than it SOUNDS.
Well, I’m sure that’s nothing to worry about.
No sense in reporting it to anyone.
(vomits black oil)
I’m going to head home to the wife.
(several fingers and his left ear fall off)
INT. SHARLTO’S HOME
SHARLTO walks into a SURPRISE PARTY for his promotion.
Are you okay, honey?
Of course! I love you so much! I’d never expose you to some unknown alien pathogen that’s literally making parts fall off my body!
SHARLTO collapses and gets HAULED OFF by MNU SECURITY.
INT. MNU SECRET LAB
SCIENTISTS discover SHARLTO’S ARM has mutated into an ALIEN ARM.
Hey, since only aliens can fire alien weaponry, I wonder if Sharlto can fire one of their super-guns now!
Cool. Let’s cut him up and use him for spare parts.
Dude, isn’t he your son-in-law? And wouldn’t it be easier just to hire the aliens as mercenaries and pay them in catfood?
Bah, next you’re going to say we should dissect one of these guns and retro-engineer it with a normal human trigger rather than wasting 20 years trying to use it as-is.
You’re right. That’s crazy-talk.
SHARLTO is strapped to a table WIDE AWAKE while SCIENTISTS begin to DISSECT HIM. For some reason, he does not TAKE KINDLY to this. Using his newfound ALIEN STRENGTH, he breaks free and ESCAPES!
(smacking his forehead)
Sedation! I knew I was forgetting something.
EXT. DISTRICT 9
SHARLTO, being HUNTED BY MNU SECURITY, takes refuge in the FIRST ALIEN HOUSE HE SEES.
It’s me again. Coincidence be damned.
You’ve got to help me! I’m turning into one of you!
The fluid! You must have ingested some!
Wait, the same fluid that powers your spaceship also transforms humans into alien?
Of course. Why wouldn’t it?
Because gasoline doesn’t turn people into brontosauruses.
Well, this one does, and it can also fix you back. Plus it eliminates soapy buildup and makes julienne fries.
Mmm, fries! Let’s blast our way into MNU headquarters and steal the fluid back!
You got it. Fortunately, there’s a crazy human warlord living in District 9 with a stockpile of alien weapons that he can’t even use.
And he never thought of the whole “hire alien mercenaries” thing either, huh?
INT. NIGERIAN WARLORD’S HUT
EUGENE KHUMBANYIWA is camped out with his GUNS and THUGS and PROSTITUTES.
Serious? We’re filming an allegory about the evils of apartheid and all the black people are criminals and scary as fuck?
Hey, we had a black guy back at MNU headquarters. He was nice.
DIRECTOR NEILL BLOMKAMP
Of course, he had the face of a six-year-old boy so as not to frighten the ladies.
Fine! If you wanna dive into scary black people stereotypes, let’s go all out. I’m a fucking cannibal witchdoctor who’s gonna eat your flesh to steal your power! Boogita-boogita!
EUGENE tries to chop off SHARLTO’s arm and EAT IT. But SHARLTO grabs an ALIEN SUPER-GUN and starts BLOWING PEOPLE AWAY.
Don't fuck with me! I'm a loose cannon on the edge!
It was bound to happen. I'm a family man who's getting too old for this shit, so there was really only direction for your character to go.
INT. DISTRICT 9: THE VIDEO GAME
Using alien weaponry, SHARLTO and DADDY ALIEN blast their way into MNU headquarters and down to the SECRET LAB. They find the FLUID and blast their way BACK OUT AGAIN.
INT. DADDY ALIEN’S HOUSE
Yea, daddy’s home! Now we fly back to our home planet, right?
Right after you make me fully human again.
I’m sorry, Sharlto. After seeing all the evil experiments they’re doing in MNU’s secret lab, I can’t wait around to fix you before I fly home.
SHARLTO freaks the fuck out, bashes DADDY ALIEN with a crowbar, and steals his SHUTTLECRAFT. He tries to FLY to the MOTHERSHIP, but MNU MISSILES blow him out of the SKY.
I did not think that through.
MNU’s PRIVATE ARMY storms District 9 to capture SHARLTO! But EUGENE KHUMBANYIWA’s PRIVATE ARMY picks exactly THIS MOMENT to attack too! CHAOS ENSUES!
Meanwhile, BABY ALIEN is left ALONE in a CORNER of the crashed SHUTTLECRAFT.
Nobody puts baby in the corner.
BABY ALIEN presses a BIG MAGIC BUTTON that wakes up the MOTHERSHIP and, let's say an ALIEN SUIT OF BATTLE ARMOR, why not? SHARLTO jumps in the ARMOR and inspires the movie IRON MAN.
ARMORED SHARLTO gets shot at by an MNU SOLDIER, then blows him into GOOEY LITTLE BITS that fly into the CAMERA.
Wow, that was awesome in a really gory kind of way.
ARMORED SHARLTO does the exact same thing SIXTEEN MORE TIMES!
Everybody tired of that yet?
DADDY ALIEN runs for the SHUTTLECRAFT, which is then tractor-beamed up to the MOTHERSHIP.
But what about all the humans up on the mothership?
It’s been 20 years. There should be like a million scientists living up there and pulling that thing apart by now.
We thought that would be rude.
Oh. Okay, then. I’ll be back for you, Sharlto! In, like, three years!
I bet you say that to every human you leave your fluid inside.
The MOTHERSHIP flies away.
The mothership is gone, but the aliens keep reproducing…
…at least humanity has learned our lesson…
A GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
…we would never do this to a human population ever, ever again.
Um, if I could just—
FULLY ALIEN SHARLTO
Holy shit! No fucking way we’re going there. End the movie! End the movie!