"God dammit I wish Facebook would stop changing its layout."


"God dammit I wish Facebook would stop changing its layout."

DEJA VU

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW ORLEANS

A boat BLOWS THE FUCK UP. DENZEL WASHINGTON is brought in to investigate.

RANDOM FAT COP

Hello Denzel. Every single person working here is white, obese, and inept.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

I can help. I can spot clues others miss using my charming-law-enforcement-type smile.

RANDOM FAT COP

Whoa, Deja Vu. I feel like I've seen you play the exact same character before. In Inside Man, Out of Time, The Bone Collector, Fallen, and Virtuosity.

DENZEL figures out that they need to figure out what happened to PAULA PATTON, a woman whose dead corpse DENZEL falls in love with.

VAL KILMER

Hello Denzel. My team needs you for a top secret project.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Jesus Christ! What the hell happened to you? We didn't cast all of these fat guys as the cops so you'd look thin, did we?

VAL KILMER

Nevermind that. You know the area better than we do, and we have a device that lets us look 4 days and 6 hours into the past. It's, um, a camera, from, er, space.

ADAM GOLDBERG

We really should have come up with a better explanation BEFORE asking him to join.

DENZEL looks through a monitor exactly 4 days and 6 hours into the past. He then shines a light into the monitor and everything breaks.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

What the hell is going on? I shined a light into this monitor and Paula Patton saw it. What is this device?

VAL KILMER

Alright, it's actually a time machine and this movie is way stupider than we hoped.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

That doesn't explain why shining a light into a video monitor sent the light into the past. If light goes through, wouldn't all the light we're reflecting go back in time, making Paula able to see all of us?

ERIKA ALEXANDER

Uhhh. Science gobbledygook time paradox universes wormhole string theory.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Oh. Well, can we send a note back?

ADAM GOLDBERG

No, no objects can go back. The device works by making a wormhole to the past. It's like folding a piece of paper to make the distance between two points shorter.

VAL KILMER

Whoa, Deja Vu. I feel like I saw the exact same explanation in Event Horizon.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

We should send a note anyway.

ADAM GOLDBERG

No, don't be ridiculous.

(pause)

Okay, fine. We'll send information to your partner in the past so he can stop the killer.

ERIKA ALEXANDER

Whoa, Deja Vu. I feel like I saw this exact same concept in a movie called Frequency.

The NOTE works out poorly, getting DENZEL'S PARTNER killed. DIRECTOR TONY SCOTT also manages to work a car chase into the ridiculous plot.

ERIKA ALEXANDER

Wait, your partner actually did get killed in our version of the timeline. That means that it was sending the note back that actually caused that to happen.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

That makes sense! Someone left a note on Paula's fridge telling me I could save her! And my fingerprints were all over the house!

ERIKA ALEXANDER

That means that the version of the past we're watching already takes into consideration the idea that you eventually go back in time, but the explosion wasn't stopped.

ADAM GOLDBERG

Therefore, even the slightest bit of consideration for the internal logic of the film would make it blatantly obvious that there's nothing we can do to prevent the explosion, even if you go back in time.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Good idea! Send me back in time!

ADAM GOLDBERG

Even though I've already explained that this could destroy the universe, I will comply.

EXT. NEW ORLEANS - PAST

DENZEL WASHINGTON finds PAULA PATTON in the past.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

I'm from the future and I've fallen in love with you based on information rather than interaction. I came back in time to save you and live happily ever after.

PAULA PATTON

Whoa, Deja Vu. I feel like I saw the exact same preposterous storyline in Somewhere in Time.

Despite the fact that everything that occured in the movie indicates DENZEL can't change the past, he DOES.

JIM CAVIEZEL

Can I go back in time and not be in this movie?

END

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