Lamniformes Love Cool James.


Lamniformes Love Cool James.
This script is a contribution from a hopeful author. Please rate the script at the bottom and leave constructive feedback, it's extremely valuable.

DEEP BLUE SEA

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. OCEAN - NIGHT

A boat floats in the ocean. A bunch of teenagers screw around and accidentally dump a bottle of red wine in the water.

A very "SMART" shark sees the wine and gets pissed off and decides to attack the boat.

SMART AUDIENCE

Hey, wait a minute. Don't sharks sense blood by the smell? Then, how does this incredibly SMART shark think that the red wine is blood? That's totally ridiculous.

The SMART AUDIENCE MEMBERS get up from their seats and leave the theater.

DUMB AUDIENCE MEMBERS

Wow. That wine thing is pretty clever.

Then, suddenly, just before any of the stupid teenagers get eaten by the shark, some mysterious guy miraculously appears and harpoons the shark.

DIRECTOR RENNY HARLIN

Woooppieee!! I sure tricked you suckers! I'll bet you thought they were all going to die!! I love it! Woooppieee!!

INT. OFFICE BUILDING

SAFFRON BURROWS is mad at some suits for taking away her funding for her shark research project. One of the suits is SAMUEL L. JACKSON

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

(to Saffron)

I sense much fear in you, bitch.

SAFFRON

That's because your taking away my money to fund a project which makes sharks really intelligent and able to kill humans more efficiently!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Chill the fuck out! I must pull the plug on this research, which for some obscure reason involves Alzheimer's and sharks.

SAFFRON

Why don't you just come to the really expensive set we've built that's supposed to look like an underwater research lab, and see for yourself?

SAM, SAFFRON, and bunch of other people we've never seen in our lives, are there. They trap an enormous computer generated/mechanical shark.

SAFFRON takes a sample of its brain tissue with the help of a very expensive prop that is basically a huge needle. They suck out the brain and test for something-or-other.

Then suddenly the shark goes APE SHIT and chews off the arm of some stupid guy who was standing to close.

THEN EVERYTHING GOES TO HELL.

The shark and his three shark buddies start destroying the underwater base, just to kill all the people inside. The sharks ram into the side of the base and water starts flooding the entire thing.

DUMB AUDIENCE MEMBERS

Sweet! This is like Titanic!

CUT TO:

The SMART AUDIENCE MEMBERS are all enjoying their car ride home in peace and quiet.

BACK TO:

INT. UNDERWATER SET - KITCHEN

We now discover that LL COOL J is in this movie. He is the chef. He bakes cookies.

LL COOL J

Ahhhhhhh-yeaahh! I'm bakin' some fresh ass cookies! Check it!

He has a pet parrot that has a large vocabulary of lewd comments.

PARROT

Eat me.

Then suddenly the room explodes with water. A shark swims into LL COOL J's kitchen with the current. The bird tries to escape. LL COOL J tries to escape. THE COOKIES ARE NOW RUINED.

LL COOL J

My cookies!

PARROT

Fuck off and die.

The parrot tries to escape, and the 60 foot shark crashes out of the water and EATS THE PARROT.

DIRECTOR RENNY HARLIN

Yipppii-kiii-yeahhh! Did you see how cool that was!!? It took a team of 178 computer animators and over 62 million man hours to create that effect! That shot alone cost 78.3 million to produce! KICK ASS!!

The shark then goes after LL COOL J. He is surely dead. But since it says in LL's contract that he has to have more screen time than that, he survives, thus making this movie more EXCITING, SUSPENSEFUL and SCARY!

INT. UNDERWATER SET

All the other insignificant characters, and SAMUEL L. JACKSON, run and swim through the base trying to escape the shark. They try to come up with a plan for escape. SAM tries to motivate them with a big, academy award winning speech.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Ezekiel 25:17! The path of righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish, and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he--

THE SHARK BURSTS OUT OF THE WATER and eats SAMUEL L. JACKSON. This is very shocking to the audience and we are horrified as blood pours everywhere, and body parts fly all over the place.

Everyone else runs away.

INT. UNDERWATER SET - LATER

Mostly everyone is dead now. Except SAFFRON is still alive. She goes into a room half filled with water and SURPRISE! The shark comes in also!

SAFFRON

Shit. I'm screwed now. I better try to electrocute this shark since it's been established in the Jaws movies that one of the only ways to kill a shark is by electrocution.

She reaches for some live wires which are just beyond her grasp. She's not tall enough to reach them.

INT. WRITER'S MEETING - DURING SCRIPT DEVELOPMENT

STUDIO EXECUTIVE

This girl we got to be in this movie is pretty hot. I wonder how we can work it into our script so that she will take off her clothes.

WRITER

I got it! We'll throw in some bull- shit about insulating herself!

STUDIO EXECUTIVE

You're a genius. This is gonna be one great movie.

INT. UNDERWATER SET - RESUME

Saffron peels off her wet suit, folds it up, and stands on it so she can reach the wires.

She is now wearing a matching bra and panties from Victoria's Secret. She is also lubed down with baby oil. All the 14 year old boys in the audience suddenly wake up.

14 YEAR OLD BOYS

This babe is def, yo! I can't wait to get the DVD!

She kills the shark and puts her wet-suit back on.

14 YEAR OLD BOYS

Nevermind.

They go back to sleep. The last remaining shark continues to hunt everyone.

EXT. SURFACE OF UNDERWATER SET

Finally everyone is dead, except for LL COOL J, some other no name guy, and Saffron. They finally arrive at the surface.

Then, LL COOL J gets attacked by the shark and is halfway down the sharks throat as he screams and yells in pain.

DUMB AUDIENCE MEMBERS

Noooo!! You're too fly to die!!

LL stabs the shark in eye with a little cross that's hanging on a necklace around his neck, and it lets him go. He doesn't die, but actually helps the other guy kill the shark.

LL COOL J

Yes! We kicked that sharks BOO-TAY!

NO NAME GUY

Nice job LL.

LL COOL J

Thanks, Homey. You da bomb!

CRITICS

This movie's a bomb.

Fade up, LL COOL J's obligatory soundtrack rap song.

LL COOL J'S RAP SONG

Yo, I was swimming in the water and ran into a shark! I was really scared cause under the water it's very dark! SHARK FINS!! Yeah! I'M TALKIN' SHARK FINS! AHHHHH-YEAHHH!

There is now a full blown riot in the theater as everyone tries to evacuate as quickly as possible.

END

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